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Accept What You Cannot Change?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by confused4sure, Jul 9, 2019.

  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Are you fine with the status quo ?
    Are you fine losing your space in your life for 6 months and maybe for ever when they move in permanently with you.

    If so ...continue the way you have been.

    If not....tell him how you feel.
    You have one life too.

    Your husband is nice to you...that s basic decency.
    You are nicer to him and his family.
    You take care of him and his family, go out and earn goodmoney, buy a house for his family, educate his brothers....you deserve more than just' nice' and gifts.

    If after all this,my husband had called me the second best mom...I would have told him to eff off .

    No mother deserves to be called second best in her own home. No woman should be made to feel and accept number 2 position in her own home .
    His mother can be number one in her home .
    She sacrificed for her kids....everyone does that.
    You sacrificed for her kids....who does that ?
    And you are number 2.

    If he can't be bothered to appreciate,the least he can do is keep his opinions to himself.
    He should have been told that because he thinks it is a compliment .
    Why are you so averse to letting him know how you feel?

    What do you have to lose?
    He has more to lose if you decide to change your extremely patient ways.

    He has nothing to lose if he makes small changes that do not make you feel like the third tyre....and everything to gain( your love and affection ).

    If you don't tell him,he won't know.

    If you choose to tell him ...do it when his mom is back in her home ...not with you.
    Do it well before it is time for her to come back.

    His time on the phone with his mom is his and so is the affection he shows her.

    But he has no business bumping you off when she visits.

    She has no business jumping on to your marital bed. Tell him to go out to the living area and enjoy coffee with her. Open the door and tell her he will join her in the living room.


    Similarly ,bumping you off the front seat of the car everytime she comes is plain disrespectful.

    Once an adult child is married ,irrespective of gender,the place next to them belongs to the spouse and should not be taken without asking.

    People should understand that there will be some changes when an adult child gets married and gets a spouse.

    Same for the marital bed. It belongs to the married couple.

    Op...men need to be told .

    If you are fine with the way things are ..then there is no problem.

    But if this bothers you...then you have to speak up and expect a little bit of disruption in normal life for some time . There are no free lunches.
    Decide if what you gain is worth what little you lose.
    Decide who has more to gain and more to lose.
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2019
    Amica, shravs3, Sunshine04 and 6 others like this.
  2. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    words from the wise one... I need to read your post few times.. to let it sink. I agree, small disruption is worth it, if I don't want to lose my space forever...
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2019
    Angela123, Joyoflife and yellowmango like this.
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...if you choose to have a talk...then from what I have learnt from this forum,prepare well.
    Prepare what you want to say...
    Find appropriate time and place .
    Say what you want to say calmly without getting emotional . You decide what you want and what you are willing to live with .
    Being calm and composed will get you better results.
    Talk about you and him without blaming his mother.
    Talk about your place in your home ,your married life ,your place in his life,his place in your life.
     
  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Your MIL's behavior is pretty gross.... even if you are not in bed with him at that coffee delivery time. A husband in bed is your personal leg-pillow and nobody should disturb that with coffee.
     
  5. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Mine gets fed his meals when at home.He is 43. I just roll my eyes until i see my brains.

    Your acceptance attitude will get you thru. Like someone said, get to a point where you do it involuntary, like you know you are accepting but you just gliding thru it. Fortunately or unfortunately, it is the only way.
     
  6. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    :BangHead:mine gets fed too.
    and not only in the home :BangHead:

    she once fed my husband pizza at a friend's kid's birthday party.
    even the kid's were not being fed at the party
    the common dialogue before such incidences "you eat the first few bites, before I eat"

    I could see all my friends nudging each other to see the show :facepalm: and whispering in each others ears :hollering:
     
  7. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    OP... thank you for thoughtful advice. I have learnt so much from this forum too....
    I would not have this confident position at home, without the collective wisdom of this forum.
    I have read, analyzed and learnt from some of the great minds and experiences here :)

    [and also learnt how not to handle, from my mom; she is emotional and very untactful; In my opinion, she could have completely ruled my dad, with few tactful words and actions :expressionless:]
     
  8. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    The car seating arrangement gets on my nerves the most... and my husband knows this too.
    he says, these are just silly things.... why do you care.

    His usual come back -
    who gets to make important decisions?
    who gets all the control on our combined earnings?
    who do I listen to in investment decisions?

    So some days, I just say, I have some other errands to run, lets go in 2 cars... and he knows why I do that... me FIL, and kids go in a car. MIL and DH go in separate car...
     
  9. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    OP... MIL is also very clever and tricky...
    anytime her importance or pedestal is gone.. she goes into depression. cries and complains to her other sons - who in turn call the other brother's and inform about mom's depression and struggles.

    After younger BIL's (2X mom's boy compared to husband :confundio1:) marriage - he told her - casually 'my wife's mom is a great lady. she went to work, got all kids through good schooling, worked hard, etc, etc...'

    this started the greatest tsunami... she was depressed.. crying everyday to my husband and older son.
    younger BIL went into depression... told her, my wife is not important. I will send her back to her house....
    you are most important to me...

    she would repeatedly tell my DH... he completely changed. I never expected him to change...
    crying sessions... shouting sessions... not one son said.. you are selfish. you are wrong.

    all three of them blamed my younger BIL...(including himself) or random blame on FIL (poor bakra in the house)
    and they would all discuss...

    mom is very sensitive.
    we should be more sensible.
    she sacrificed her life for us.

    unbelievable.
     
  10. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    If at all there were mums at the finish line, our indian men would win the olympics to run towards them.. and bring home gold year after year to eventually make a coin necklace for the mums.
    :number_one:
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2019
    SCA, Amica, shravs3 and 4 others like this.

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