abusive relationship- men and women need you advise

Hope, some guys have abusive behaviour & male ego.
Also each lady has her limits to which you can tolerate things... I strongly feel physical abuse is a big NO... in this century when u cant even hit a child to set them right, then u cant hit any lady at all.

If you're feeling saturated then come back to India... as monita mentioned most parents feel their job was over & they can rest.. but finally its your life.

Meanwhile dont say or do things that can flare him up, just wait for the next visit to india or request him to book your tickets back... if he's not ready to sponsor tht then I think take up some small time job to raise funds for your ticket..

 

Hope, drop him like a hot potato. HE IS NOOOOO GOOD! The other ladies have said it all... abusive, mean, disgusting.... you deserve better girl!

 

i think he is not in touch with his ex now but he has a soft corner for her. (now that's a long story again).

And you think there is some hope somewhere in this relationship with a guy who has no remorse to what he does to you. WAKE UP !!!!.

what are you expecting out of him and this relationship. Tell me. Are you hoping he will change for good and respect you as a human being, let alone a woman or a wife? I am frankly tell you this - It may or may not happen. But you being there is just going to make the matters worse.

Take a separation. Walk away. If he feels - He is wrong. You are worth it, he will come back.

Don't you feel that it atleast something you can do for YOURSELF. Where is your self-esteem and respect?

I feel sad reading your consecutive posts. You are sucking up and living your life for the sake of it. I can understand that you are scared to walk away. But as everyone said here, if this creature is human (sorry I am mad !!!), this separation will be shorter, he will come back. It is also a good time for you to rebuild your confidence. the more and more you prolong walking away, the more and more you are going to be submissive and finally end up in this dirty relationship for lifetime. Not only you are hurting yourself, but the innocent lives that might come into this marriage in future.

Think about it.

You are an educated girl. A smart one, why are you loosing yourself for this useless piece on earth?

 

Cool1, and Others

The email message which Alpha posted is really good, if one could reflect on that and analyse , one would know whether one is close to end game, whether one takes step or not is another thing...

I understand your concern on male ego, and when you shout back, his ego gets hurt, and when you are super abusive he feels bad, however please remember the male ego or even the female ego cannot be removed 100%, otherwise we all will become saints, that is why one has to be careful what words one chooses and picks in fights, how far one can go, its like this "kids know how to press buttons of parents, if the parents still dont budge they change their way to see how more to press"

Even if ego is kept at bay the idea of person trying to hurt verbally is to harm the ego, otherwise why will one abuse? whether its you or him?

So if you or he sees that he is indifferent and pays a hoot to the abuse, you and he will also try to use words and do things which you have never done, to piss the other person off. So how can ego be kept away for good.?

What I mean is to keep abusing someone and to expect that his or her Ego is coming in between otherwise I am not abusing is a mistake, its like pointing blame on others for our misdeed. If your DH abuses you verbally and you put your points in educated and calm way and not with a intention to take a revenge, you will see how things change, fights will become less severe and he will see a better you and try to change and feel guilty, believe me a person does not feel guilty in verbal abuse because the other person too uses the same weapon and both get locked in the cycle for ever, as no one realises its the fault. like you said you too give him nicely and dont stop....and you feel its right thing to do.....


Your marriage is on rocks no doubt, but I know when marriages fail esp in cases like where both partners have locked horns for good(and not like a extra marital affair), the blame has to be shared by both , no point saying, he is driving me to divorce or she is... its the situation, its how the relationship has evolved due to incompatibility.

 

ALPA

Awesome!!!!:bowdown very well explained...Most of the times women dont relaise that the more they are in such relationships, where day in day out, they live in fear, hope, and drag the days with nothin much to look forward to or plan for...the self esteem levels start to fall down...slowly they become like a frightened kitten who just wants to close eyes so that all this bad can pass ...but that never happens...

HOPE

As I suggested earlier...take a break from all this...go to India and think through!!! Dont think of separation/divorce if thats your worry...but atleast try to be away for few days so that see his reaction, wehther he misses you/calls/emails you??? talks about any changes etc???

Never ignore the signals of your heart !!! do what your gut feeling says...lot of times it guides us on the right path...but we ignore the follow otherwise thinking we are trying....but it doesnt work that way!!

 

Srividya valid points, I had read somewhere, most of the temproray seperation turn bad and cause split, because sometimes people do more damage to a relationship by staying seperate, lets say a spouse seperates temproray and after few months, the communication stops, no one communicates, no emotions, no calls, nothing, the next step is divorce

temprorary seperation is a one step short of final seperation and which may be right ...

 

Agreed!!! and if it shows that during temporary separation, both parties are still fighting over email/calls/talks...isnt it much more evident that things are not on the right track???

Usually if we love our spouse, we miss them, we try to call them when they are not around and even if there were some past hurtful situations where both were hurt, we try to keep those past situations aside, because now being far away from each other both of them get time to get their act together, examine their feelings towards each other and if they want to be together in the marriage!!! even if one of them doesnt want to be in the marriage, they make it more evident by fighting with the spouse even when they are apart..

So if the heart doesnt miss/ doesnt long to be there with our spouse and all we can think of is fight and hurt our spouse...then does it have any meaning to be together or far apart???

In our OPs case...doesnt it help her to take a break from all this and think through?? often it happens that we try to take it as a challenge to fix or mend things when we are around such situations...and mentally and physically we get tired, we see no solution, nothing seems to work and we give up even trying...but when we take a step back, take a break from all this and keeping ourselves away from the whole situation, helps a lot to see the marriage more clearly...she can understand herself, her husband and marriage and also think whether its really worth trying!!!

Bottom line...if the marriage has to break or to be doomed it would happen no matter whether you are together or far part!! and same vice versa...i.e if the spouses want to be together in the marriage, they would do whatever possible and be together and work it out whether they are together / miles apart!!!

 

Srividya , very well said, good post:thumbsup