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abusive relationship- men and women need you advise

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by hope123456789, Feb 3, 2010.

  1. Cool1

    Cool1 New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Somewhere your story is very similar to mine. The only difference is he doesnt have ny ex-gf or so and no he does not make the house dirty or other things.But yes he keeps quite and yells and shouts.Drags small issues to big ones. Unnecessary issues,telling parents and trying to discuss smallest issues like a major deal.I hate this attitude.Now coming to solution I will relate only my experience.

    I have realised that its all because of his male EGO,his arrogance. If we fight and I back answer, he will get mad like anything.Trust me he tries to raise hands on me. So now I try and keep quite.I am no saint and sometimes I do shout back.This causes a lot of rift but I am mentally prepared for it.So the only thing you can do is donot argue.Yes keep quite and drink all his comments .Get an attitude where you dont care what he is saying. Behave as if you dont know anything.Once he is done, behave normally.Act as if nothing happened.
    He will do this for few days or months but once he sees no effect on you,he will learn his lesson.
    This weekend I fought with my husband.Went back to him and said all possible things,apologised, etc etc. All because I lost control and shouted back at him.Normally I dont but sometimes I do lose it(I told you I am no saint:))
    He is not talking to me and as in your case I have apologised to him for his mistakes too..Still no use.Its a matter of time..(happened after 6 months so no complaints)

    Parents will always ask you to continue,adjust, destiny etc.
    But I beleive its nothing.Its we (the wives ) who have to make things work out.Its our lives which gets affected. Before walking out try all possible ways.Then when you leave, you will know that you have tried enough.I know it hurts. I am saying this because I am sailing in the same boat.

    Wanted to add this also: WHen I tell him I will leave he says "Please do so" ... I know he means it:-( But one thing is sure, I am not going to leave coz he wants me to.I do it when I want it..So dont take such comments of his so seriously, you will lose your health. Cheer up!!!
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2010
  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Cool1

    Sorry to budge in here..just a question...since how long you have been married and follow this approach of yours? do youhave a certain time where you would say I giveup?? or are you planning to carry it on..till one day you have a baby and then all doors close out..as at that time it becomes tougher:hide:

    I am not saying just separate or get divorced...but atleast after all the hardwork you are putting in and still if a man says he doesnt care whether you are around or not...some how I beleive he means it...or am I getting the point wrong???

    Some men like the idea of being married....not really the marriage...as marriage and family comes iwth lots of sacrifices, adjustments, commitment and responsibility....soon they start to realise that marriage was not as fun as they thought of it as...so they keep resisting all changes, all the approach from the wife to adjust with him or be with him...they feel as if they are being prisoned and they want a way out of this prison..but again..due to society and fear of being called as irresponsible...they cant take that step of separation...

    My thought is....lets not make this more horrible...because after certain verbal abuse, starts the physical abuse, as the abuser feels he is not doing enough toget to your point....so do wereally have to wait for that

    By the way..you are doing no good by begging n apologizing to your husband...that way you are telling him that youa re the one who is at mistake and who needs some attitude change..not him!! so does that help him anyways to change his behaviour???

    Really sometimes I feel clueless with the kind of mixed signals we women send to men! why cant we be discreet and say wrong is a wrong!! and you wont apologize if you loose your cool when he is acting all dumb. doesnt he deserve some attitude correction once in a while from you???
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2010
  3. cutekid

    cutekid Silver IL'ite

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    Hope,

    Its just the begining of ur life.Its not the end.Are u the first girl who will file for divorce in India?Just because of the society u cant take it.I am sure u must be well educated & given a chance u can be independent & self earning.Instead of leading a sad lonely life u can lead ur life with dignity & self respect back home.If he can abuse u once he can do it for life long.
    Recently one of my friend got divorced because of her hubby's abusive behaviour.they had met through internet,been married for 10 yrs & have a girl child.Just imagine what will happen if u stick here & have baby...things will be much difficult.
    Why do u cook or clean the house.Let him spoil & untidy it.U just chill,u also give him taste of his own medicine.Tell him clearly if he even dares to abuse you , u will call 911 for sure.Try to surf net ,get some help from social organizations.Have some money & imp documents in hand.I think since your parents know about it they wont be shocked.If u think it may harm them you can apply for jobs from here & take up job in some other city & file for divorce ASAP.he looks like a hopeless man and do not spoil your precious life.Be strong & take control of your life.You are still young & can start your life again.Just forget this as a rough patch of your life.Be before this ask yourself do u want to stay with such person for whole life.The decidion is in your hands.Dont worry about the society.If people have some brains then they will understand.
     
  4. lakvishy

    lakvishy Senior IL'ite

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    Hope - sorry to say, your husband does not seem to be dependable. Later in life, when you turn back, you will realise, that you have not lead life at all. Think about it and analyse. I feel, you will have to divorce this man, if you want to lead a very happy life.

    If you are confident about yourself (academically), do return back to India, take up a job and then start about your divorce.

    Take the first step boldly, and the rest will fall in place.

    All the best !
     
  5. Cool1

    Cool1 New IL'ite

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    Hi SriVidya,
    Thank you for the concern.Thats why I think this is the best forum for women like us:)
    I know how it sounds to you.If this was every alternate day affair, I would have agreed. But its not. I know he has an ego and somehow it satisifes him to see me come.Its more like he waits for me. If I dont go and speak to him, he will come to me in a week's time. But I have very liitle patience. I know he means many things he says, but then I also said a lot more. So its mutual. The difference is in our nature. I am the sort who wants to laugh and enjoy.He is more of the analyst sort.
    If he was raising hands at me, I would have definitely taken a step. But its not. It has happened once or twice since in our 2 years of marriage we have fought to such an extent. And if he hits me I will hit back harder(Trust me on that:)).
    Its something like I know his nature and I can tackle it. In anger if I say something to his family then it goes out of control.I know it but still I did it. Just to hurt him.Now thats a real fight isnt it:)
    With time I have learnt to understand him and he has put effort from his side.
    And No I wont take it for long. The day I feel I have given enough I will definitely take a step. Its just that I am being little careful and dont want to make any hasty decision.
    Sorry for barging into somebody else's thread!!!
     
  6. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Hope,
    In India the day a daughter is born, the parents start planning for her wedding. They save for the wedding, make huge arrangements and when are successful in finding a match and they are relieved. It is like a task is over. However, when the marriage doesn't work they have to face a jolt because this something they had not planned for. For them the task is over.

    However it's your life and you have every right to be happy. I would say get out of there ASAP.
    Plan your future carefully. What you want to do next if you want to work or go for higher studies. Inform your parents, you are coming back for good. If you need financial help, plan out how much you need and ask them for it. Be prepared for any answer. If it's no, seek other avenues.Seek help. You fill find it. Don't lose hope.
     
  7. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    I think both Hope and Cool have different issues here.. Correct me if I am wrong.

    According to Ms Hope's thread, there seems to be NO love, NO affection between the couple. Her DH has a sotf cornor on his ex GF, but never showed such emotions towards his wife. He enjoys with his cyber girl friends (and who knows what is beyond this) and physically/emotionally abuses his wife REPEATEDLY and dont bother to apologise for his mistakes. Leaves her in a lonely place and enjoys with his batchelor friends always. Moreover he means it when he says "GET LOST" to her.

    On the other hand, it seems Ms Hope doesn't have any feelings for her husband, rather she is worried about her future, dependancy and about her parents. So she tries her best to bend backward to adjust with him.

    This is wrong. If there is no love in this marriage, nothing will help her win her life back. How long she is planning to continue in this abusive relationship? Does this marriage deserve all her tolarance?

    I would advice her to think wisely and act quickly.. I mean find her own path by leaving this abusive man. She deservs better:)

    Comming to Ms Cool's post.. It is somehow clear that Ms Cool is angry with her husband because of his silent treatments, egoism, and abuses, but somewhere in the cornor of her heart she still loves him, and doesn't wanna leave him because she thinks her husband may still need her. This indicates LOVE!!!

    She has a serious issue, that needs to be sorted out... But this could be worked out in a different manner, rather than fighting back, taking bunt actions like leaving him or doing something big. That may spoil the little love they have in this marriage.

    My advice for Ms Cool is to analyse the reason behind your husband's abusive and weird behaviour. Strangly sometimes the wife's behaviour could be the reason for the husband's negative behaviours (like nagging, bugging, complaining, different other issues), if so, you can be the change in your life..

    Or if your ILs play a major role in all these issues, handle them in a bold manner. You can ask helps from our Lites here:)

    Good luck both of you:)
     
  8. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    I am unable to control my instincts to write and respond to these threads. Hope, hope is your best enemy (I was told this when I was in a dilemma)! A man that is uncouth, brutal can never ever turn into a new leaf. Maybe yes you must wait for him to change and the change might eventually happen after few years.

    What makes him behave in the most uncivilized manner? Have you seen this movie the war of roses? Certain incidents you narrate looks like an extract of that movie.

    You must keep your dignity, pride and clarity of mind intact. If any of these are hurt or destroyed systematically, you must make a call. You are not born to get physically and mentally abused by someone. You are born to live a life of integrity, pride and respect.

    First identify areas where you can adjust and where you cannot. Subsequently, come to a conclusion based on the stronger results.

    Hope, you cannot change yourself and so your husband. Therefore, the only resort is to weigh the pros and cons and come to conclusion soon.

    Women tend to postpone divorce because of the fear of how life will be after divorce. Trust me life only become better. First you will be free of violence, secondly you can think about yourself based on the lessons that you have learnt and finally you can find another partner. It is your life, try to settle and have a happy life when your parents are around. After their lifetime you will not have anyone that will have genuine interest in your life.

    US is not do all and die all. If you cling to the country you are allowing the other person to trample you more. First get out of an insane situation and come to terms with reality. I have read several threads where women are focused towards PR, VISA issues and many more. If you have adequate support in India, move ahead and return home.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2010
  9. deva280579

    deva280579 Senior IL'ite

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    hi ,

    i am devanathan from chennai, first of all i feel extremely sorry for u mam, because in a mens community these kind of people are spoling the other mens name. My suggestion for u is, try to be calm and polite and do the ground work for u to return to india asap, and then from here call their parents to your home and speak abt his illegal relationship and other bad things he did to u. Please dont argue or fight in that place, since u mentioned u r on dependant visa, and your ball is in his court, so try to play a safe game on this. Getting a divorce is very easy now, but changing a man is your challenge. please concentrate much on god and try to develop your mental strength, for a women i dont need to advice, try to develop his concentration on u by many ways, like affection,love.

    I will pray to god that u should be happy soon, if nothing happens please return the same beatings u got and blast him like anything.

    Regards
    Devanathan.L
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 3, 2010
  10. ALPA

    ALPA Platinum IL'ite

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    HI dear,

    if i were you i would leave this man and go, your DH seems to be a controlling person and when he gives the silent treatment in his mind he wants to teach you a lesson, i am telling you all this from an experience i have just been through and i am glad that i am out of the relationship with my BF, as you said he can drag an argument as he wants to win it and make you fell guilty and also play the blame game and put all the blame on you. below is an email i received from a a very good friend of mine who is a counsellor and he was there for me through out and this was his last email he sent me two days back, please read through it.
    i hope it makes sense to you and you can still walk out of this marriage as he is mentally torturing you and after some time you will become a piece of furniture in his life and he will treat more badly.
    i know there are many things you have to think of, but first think of oyur happiness, are you comfortable with him? no then why stay in a relationship for name sake, if a man cannot respect you means he cannot respect himself.
    You have a great life ahead of you.
    love
    alpa:cheers


    There are also many reasons why people choose to stay together, even though their hearts and their heads are telling them that they should end the relationship. Sometimes one partner makes the other feel guilty about leaving and basically manipulates them into staying in the relationship. This is a form of control and should be recognized as such. If you feel within your heart that the relationship is over, then you should leave and not let anyone use guilt to make you stay in a relationship.

    Staying in a relationship when it is time to call it quits can lead to serious consequences. Stress, tension, and anxiety can take their toll on your health and well-being. It simply isn’t worth it. If you are suffering in a bad relationship, then it is best to end it and move on. Some times people fear being alone and they continue to suffer through bad relationships out of that fear. It is better to be alone and happy then to stay with someone who makes you unhappy. You owe it to yourself to find true happiness with someone who loves, cares for, and respects you.


    Breaking up is never an easy decision to make, but when a relationship has run its course, it is better to end it than to let things drag on indefinitely. There are a number of different reasons why someone decides to end a relationship; usually the most common reason is that the initial feeling of love has begun to fade. It is however important to realize that in all relationships, after a certain length of time, the feelings of love will naturally diminish and the relationship will take on a new meaning.

    This shouldn’t be taken as a sign to end the relationship. If however, the feelings of love fade or are replaced with negative comments, statements, or actions, this could be a warning of where the relationship is headed. Though it is common for relationships to change, and the first feelings of “spring love” to subside, it isn’t healthy for those feelings to evolve into arguments, violence, or demeaning behavior. If you are experiencing any emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, then it is definitely time to call it quits.

    Along with abuse, it is also important to call it quits if you discover that your relationship is not only making you miserable, but is also robbing your self esteem. When you realize that the toll the relationship is taking on you is preventing you from enjoying life, it is time to step back and evaluate the relationship. Of course no relationship is perfect and you can expect to have ups and downs, but if things have become so negative that you no longer feel good about yourself, then the relationship is destructive and needs to end.


     

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