1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  5. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

abusive relationship- men and women need you advise

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by hope123456789, Feb 3, 2010.

  1. hope123456789

    hope123456789 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    I have been married (arranged) for last one and half year and my husband and I fight constantly. A month after the marriage I found out that he was still in touch with his ex gf (yes it was depressing). But what annoyed me the most was he hadn't told her that he was married and continued being in touch by giving hopes to that girl. I realized by the end of the fight that he dint wanted to hurt her and also he wanted to keep it a secret from me. Few days later I was shocked to find out that this man before marriage, was chatting on net, getting friendly with girls,and saving their pictures in a folder on his laptop. I found nearly 20 different girls who had sent their pictures to him and god alone knows why he had saved all of them (I know it sounds creepy). And he did confess that they were all chatting friends and it's an old issue.

    Now from here, our relationship started going downhill. Outwardly my husband looks like decent guy and very very nice person. But over the period of time he has turned very abusive towards me- both physically and emotionally. Anything and everything can annoy him, but he doesn't say a word and gives me silent treatment. And he has his way of showing that by being passively aggressive. He will piss deliberately on the seat, or when he gets back home try to mess a tidy home. When I get annoyed he will make it look like I am falsely accusing him and get upset and makes me apologize. If I complain he will start shoving me to wall or beat me in anger. (I sometimes wonder what I am doing with this guy?)

    he can drag the fight to any length and it goes for weeks. As we live in a very remote place in US, he takes the advantage by leaving me home alone and goes to his friends place(bachelors) in the weekends, or the clubs after he comes back from office. His bad habits of ogling at other women gets me on my nerves because I feel embarrassed when he starts looking at them at that way. He can withhold physical intimacy for months if things don't go his way. When we fight he tells me I am useless and ugly. Sometimes I feel I really don't want to have his kid.

    All the time I go back and when I try to communicate he yells back at me making it impossible to discuss. So I end up apologizing for his mistakes. And after that he will take few days to act normal and then again he will start in some other way.

    I have discussed this with my parents but they seem to cry and they say you people should adjust and all those stuff. His parents are unwell most of the times so I am not sure if they are aware. Now I am kind of sticking around in this relationship for my parents sake.

    He has discussed this with his sister and aunt. And tells them his side of story who apparently have a bad image about me.

    I am on a dependent visa so I really can't do anything much.

    Now with such a man do you think I even a hope? Will he change? Or how do I change? Should I divorce? Is it all worth ?
     
    Loading...

  2. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,431
    Likes Received:
    2,179
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Female
    I say leave him.

    Why? please re-read your post again for me, as me - a stranger and think what you will suggest this person to do.

    From your post,

    1) There is no trust, he seems to be cheating you, even though it is his ex-gf and there is no intimacy (hopefully), why the need to hide the fact that he's married and you exist, right? Bachelor life is different. Ofcourse as women, its disgusting to think of having a folder full of other women photos, but it's a guy thing. But is he still doing it or not is important., Because he is in a committed relationship now. Only you can know if he straying or not.

    (2) Physical abuse - No matter what the situation is, no one has the right to hurt another adult, that's my stand. So what he did/doing to you is plain wrong. You are not his slave, you are an adult first, an individual , only then a daughter, wife and all...No one has the right to hit you. Don't put yourself in harm's way. This will only give him the confidence and comfort that you are not going to fight or voice back. Next time he comes near to harm you, be bold and say, "I am going to call 911, if you touch me". Run and grab the phone.

    (3) Disgusting things - Pissing/Messing up your home, Silent Treatment:
    (4) Irresponsible Husband - Leaving you alone and spending time with his bachelor friends:

    I am just appalled how a guy can do all these cheap things. I am saddened to know that you are going this, but all I can say is, be bold. Are you really sure there is anything in this relationship that you can salvage? Such a guy is worth to spend your lifetime with? Please take some time and think. There is a whole lot of life ahead than to lead this rotten one.

    I know your parents are worried, but it is your life. End of the day, you are the one going through all this, not them, not us, we can just be of moral support and help you in ways we can. But you got to make the decision of your lifetime.

    But one thing I can say to you for sure - Please please, don't bring another life to this relationship. You have a responsibility as a mother to give that kid a healthy environment, not the one you are in right now. All these old "A kid will change anything" advice is WRONG. It is like a gamble, might not work always.

    So take some time and spend with your thoughts.

    Good luck lady and I pray God be with you.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2010
  3. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    592
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    I feel really sorry for you.
    Your husband seems to have a big inflated male ego where he thinks he can bring someone to the US, beat her, yell at her, insult her by chatting with ex and expect her to keep quiet and stay home.

    You sound like a mature sensible girl, why are you tolerating abuse ?
    Why are you taking all this crap from him. You continue to take crap, he will give it to you 365 days a year.

    Put your foot down and stop this.
    No clubs, No parties with bachelor friends, No ogling at net girls, No contact with EX. Call him to a counselor or ask him to talk calmly till u guys come to a resolution. If nothing works, calmly say that you want a separation. Let him sink in that idea for a few weeks.

    These immature guys think that girls are servants that they can bring from India. They don't understand the seriousness of marriage or their responsibilities as a husband. Give him a rude awakening.

    goodluck.
     
  4. coolphani

    coolphani Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    228
    Likes Received:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Hope...am sorry I loose it whenever I see this.

    Come out of the mindset.be confident.Trust me, even though you are on dependent visa no one can stop you from calling 911 when you need to, no one can stop you from finding a volunteer job, make new friends, find an employer to file for your H1 or whatever. Don't loose heart so easily just because you are on dependent visa

    Sorry for loosing it and Good luck with whatever you decide
     
  5. hope123456789

    hope123456789 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    nandasham,
    i think he is not in touch with his ex now but he has a soft corner for her. (now that's a long story again).
    what i don't understand is he has never been able to stop beating me from the day he started. and he has never felt sorry or apologized.
    and when i say i may leave you do like this and he says "please get lost" and he really means it!
    i have told my parents about his beatings and i don't see much support from them either but they cry cry and cry. and my dad has high blood pressure too.
    i am so fed up with my life!
     
  6. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    592
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Hope,
    When I had a huge issue with my DH and told my parents that I want to separate, they were crying so badly and my mom even went to the extent of saying "Even if your husband hits you, you cant leave that marriage.Thats your destiny" (Although he didnt hit me). But I clearly told my parents that I am concerned about my happiness first, its only after that, others happiness come. So I told DH that I will file for separation and he has to give me spousal support till the case is over.

    And you know what, he came for a compromise. We worked out our differences and I told him some stuff he should change and he told some stuff that I need to change and today we are actually happy.

    So ... what I am trying to say is, just because you in a dependent visa dont despair. In the event of actually separating from this guy, your parents will surely support you and you can take your life from there.

    But this guy looks terrible and incapable of any change.So talk to him one last time and tell him he cant walk all over you.
     
  7. hope123456789

    hope123456789 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    rosegirl, i agree he has an inflated ego. i have told my husband that it will cost him some day and for which he says "i will make sure you will not get a penny". this discourages me to fight more as he may start labelling me as a gold digger because already he has started calling me by so many other names which i am not.
    wow! and every time we fight , he calls me by something that i am not, i wonder why i please him so much. i mean every gesture of mine is interpreted wrongly.
    i don't want to give a very saintly image of myself here, as even i have been verbally abusive back on him...which is now getting backfired in such a way that he is not at any fault.
    but why is he angry with me all the time? it's like he started hating me after i found out about his affair.
    i think i will try this one last time like you have told me.
     
  8. deepshikha

    deepshikha Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Leave him as soon as possible

    Physical abuse is enough reason to distrust a guy. A man who does it once, does it forever. Please call 911 next time he hits and get him booked. Tell the police how he has battered you, remember if you continue taking this abuse, it will NEVER STOP.

    Don't depend on your parents since they seem to be incapable of supporting you. You can make your life on your own. Go back to India, get a divorce, complete or continue your education and get a job. Nothing is impossible, you have the capability to stand up for yourself and support your life. Please this guy seems to have no respect, no feeling, nothing for you, don't waste anymore time on him. Get him booked in a strong case of domestic abuse and work out a divorce.

    If your parents cry tell them very strongly whether they support you or not you are not going to continue to mess your life. Show them you are a strong girl and they will get some solace that this bad chapter in your life can be brought to an end. Please girl, life is not about getting trapped in a bad marriage for the sake of society and family. Get out of this mess.
    I hope you will get all the strength to face tackle this.
     
  9. vimala1957

    vimala1957 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    331
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    25
    Gender:
    Female
    Very very painful . How are you able to withstand all this?

    I totally go with Nandu's suggestions.

    You need to awake and stand on your own legs. Never bring a little new life to this world in this atmosphere. Parents are far off and may not know your practical problems. It is your life. You have to solve this problem asap.
     
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    954
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    If a husband tells you this...I am positive he means it. Beleive me. He has shown it with his actions, with his words, how else in the world he can show it to you that you are not needed in his life any more??

    Save your life and tears for your own self. Beleive me living all by yourself wont hurt that much as what you are going through now!!

    Think through...or else take a break and go to India for vacation and think without any influences of your husband/marriage.
     

Share This Page