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Abusive Husband!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by somam16, May 3, 2017.

  1. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Dear somam16, Hugs to you. I can imagine how hard it is to live like this.
    If I were in your position I would have walked out of an abusive marriage. Abusive marriage is like slow poison, it slowly kill us and it is not good for kids. But as you said you cannot do that because you are fully dependent on him. You are the best judge of your situation. My inputs are based on my thinking, so have a thought and see it can help.

    First of all, relax a bit and calm down. Pray or cry if that helps to relieve stress. Tell yourself that you will find a way out and you can do it. It may look strange, but it works slowly.

    I am sure you husband don't behave this way to his boss or colleagues or friends or a super strong person. Why ? because he knows there will be an after effect. But why he do it you? because he thinks you are inferior to him, and don't respect you. Above all he believes very well that no matter what he do you will be there with you. You need to shatter his over confidence. But how?
    By completely neglecting him .. and by building a happy world to you and your kid"
    "You attitude should be you can join us only if you behave well. else dont come to our world-you are not welcome"

    What I understood from from your message is that your husband thinks he is the bread winner and he do all the job and you are simply enjoying life by sitting in home doing nothing. So he believes it is your job to take care of home, kid and everything. These type of people don't understand that these are tough job especially when we do it without anyone help. So dont try to convince him. I have heard similar things from my home maker friends.

    What I understood is that your dh goes to office and your kid to school . What you do when they leave home.. ? Do minimum things and enjoy that time.. and do whatever make you grow and feel better. Use it as a study time and learn new things or search jobs.. etc Do all cleaning job or anything else when he is at home. Then he will see you super busy with lot to do that and it will also save you from the stress of facing him. Else he thinks you are simply sitting home and you dont have any job as he dont see what you doing or its effort. I feel that men are visual even for the hard work wife do:)" . If he ask why you do that now.. don't respond..

    I think your protest/explanation/or request for help triggers him.Never try to fight in front of kids. It affect them very badly.---- hope you understood that -

    What you have to do? Dont ask or protest or explain because it will not work. When you feel that he is into "irritation mode". just walk away from the scene ( get out of the house/ go to another room or bath room where you dont hear him talk ) .Never try to be on the scene watching him. If he comes to you dont look at him and completely ignore dont utter a word. If possible act as if nothing happened
    (He expect you to feel bad and he gets happiness that that his tantrums worked, but ignoring is the best insult one can give).
    Just show "YOU DONT CARE" . If he try to slap you.. be calm and stern..just say we are in USA if you touch me I will call 911" ?Do that (I will do.. but at least tell him) Dont say anything else..

    What you do after his 15- 20 days of silent treatment? ...Do you go to him and say sorry... ' If you are 100% sure that you didnt do any mistake and he did it.. Dont go to him asking apologies. continue silent treatment until he comes to you.. try it at least once (may be you have to wait two months still try).
    Other way is just communicate very important things like home/kids issue (you can text it if you dont want talk) and completely ignore him as his wife till he comes to you.. Then say... you feel very sad and he is not loving you and you cant take this kind of behavior like this anymore and it is affect your kid etc... in a very nice way as if he is most loving person. if you think he is in good mood.

    Do you do iron his clothes during his silent treatment mode? stop it.. just ignore it if he complains? just do normal things. Do him service only when he is nice. He need to realize that there will be an after effect due to his bad behavior. Make him realize it.

    Dont over do things- if you feel that you are tired and you need help ( you cant ask help from him as it will backfire)
    Dont do it till you feel you are healthy enough to do it. If he complains just say you are tired you cannot do and nonone else to help and just walk way dont wait for his reply. You cook for yourself and kid and take care of your things and dont anything special to him if behaves badly. Do normal things behave normally while completely ignoring him. Just focus you two in a separate room (don't stay near to him) and enjoy your time, go out find activities do what ever you thinks that bring happiness to you. Create a world for you and your kids even when you all live in the same house.

    Most important, try to find a job and be financially independent. Even if it is a small one That will give you more confidence. For the time being, try not to be emotional, dont take his reflux actions to heart and use your brain to take control of your life into your hands.. Now control is in your husbands hand.. Slowly take it back.

    You cannot change his behavior . Any change should come from him. But you can change how you respond to his behavior or handle these situations. Be strong.. You are strong.. belive in yourself.

    " You will never realize how strong you are until being strong the only option you have left . Be strong to let it go and wise enough to wait/work for what you deserve"
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2017
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  2. dia3

    dia3 Silver IL'ite

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    i don't undrstand why some posters r suggesting - ignore, keep quiet, go to other room, let him bark...so u think even if someoen is saying nasty words to u n if u keep quiet, it won't affect u..how humiliating it is!!

    .ladies, a cheater and abusive person remain the same thruout their life..he hasn't chnaged in all these yrs,,he will never change...some desi men intentionally marry housewives to dominate them..others dominate even working women...so there is not much difference

    DIVORCE him- u wil get alimony and child support so its not like u wil be on roads.....u will get money that shud be sufficient for u till u land some job.. u have wasted half of ur life bearing his verbal abuses...don't live like an insect...life is beautiful...don't let ur daughter grow up in such an abusive n degrading env...verbal or emotional abuse is equally degrading as physical abuse !!
     
  3. penpaal

    penpaal Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    It's hard to believe you have adjusted with this person for last 12 years. The sad part is he is punishing your daughter for your indifferences.

    You have to sit and think peacefully how you want to take your life forward. You should try the counseling and tell the counselor about his anger issue . He may listen to a counselor.
    Also take counseling for you, shouting and slapping him won't help you anyway. You keep your sanity .

    Do your best for you and your daughter. Try to reduce the service you are giving to him and utilise that time to take rest and do some hobby for you.
    Everyday try to take atleast 30 minutes me time and charge yourself.

    May God bless you with a job soon. Once you are bit independent think about divorce .will your parents support you? Is there anyone in family, to whom you can ask for help and support ?
     
  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    What you suggest if she cannot divorce? Quarrel all the time and makes the life horrible? She already tried all those in last 12 years and received only verbal and physical abuse back.

    I also agree that moving away/divorce is the best option for her and kid. Till then, she needs to be smart, find all the facilities she has right now, find a job, gain confidence and move out. I am sure when she is ready she will move out. Till then she need to find some peace with her life and it is better not to get more abuse. If ignoring or moving away helps instead of fighting back, let her try that. Only OP knows what works for her.

    I have noted that these kind of abusive persons are like drug addicts there will be no sense, they don't know what they talk, how they behave when they are in abusing mode. They dont even remember or agree what they did. They consider listeners as the problem makers. It is better not to face them when they are in that stage. If so the person who confronts get more abuse.

    It is better not to trigger it or not to be in the receiving end or avoid it.

    "Moving away from the problem is not a solution" in most cases

    But cases like this " moving away from the problem/maker can be a solution"

    Hope you all read the recent story ( Neha Rastogi-Abhishek Gattani case shows the many faces of domestic violence). That lady tolerated abuse for 10 years (!!, I cant imagine how ???she is an educated/ employed/ financially independent woman, her husband CEO of a firm), she took a decision to divorce only when she felt her kids life is in danger. Like that most women tolerate abuse in the hope that one day the man will change. But I feel abuser will always be an abuser. It is better to get out of married life if abuse is involved.
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2017
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  5. dia3

    dia3 Silver IL'ite

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    r
    r u real ? are OP's hand tied that she can't call a divorce attorney and seek restarining order...she can type in english, she must have a phone, even if she doesn't she can stand outside her home n any passerby can call 911 for her and then cops will help her on how to move forward ...stop giving advises like keep bearing abuse till u find a job...job or no job, OP's husband thinks of her as doormat and will keep abusing her...u go back to the medieval era u came from..instaed of telling the oppressed to take legal action asap, u are asking her to keep quiet n serach for a job asap..how dumb !!

    OP, why r u hitting ur hubby ---u can land in prison for abuse too if ur hubby reports u..i know of 1 indian woman who was reported by her hubby to cops when they were hitting each other.
    even if i was homeless or dying of hunger, i wud never take anyone's beating or abuse...this is called SELF RESPECT..is OP homeless, dying of starvation?? she is not n she even hit her hubby..OP, get some SELF RESPECT n u can divorce ur hubby n not listen to women who have absolutely no self esteem so advising u to stay put for a while !!

    This Neha's story is absoluletly her own misery...why she didn't call cops earlier....when she can drive to office, whats stopping her to drive to an attorney for divorce..these women have no self respect n keep bearing abuse because of poor esteem n think without marriage there is no life but no matter how abusive , staying in a marriage is imp for them even if tehy have to live like an insect !...if someone jumps into a pothole or decides to stay in the pothole, its not other person's fault...
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2017
  6. dia3

    dia3 Silver IL'ite

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    Silicon Valley ex-CEO's wife decries lenient domestic-violence plea deal

    read the above article--its mentioned that some are apprehensive of neha's claims that why she only recorded her husband when he had decided to walk out of marriage...she withdrew almost $943,000 /$1 million from joint checking account before filing domestic abuse charges.

    @DDream, don't think that people in this country r dumb..they don't take any gender's side..tehy evaluate everything...all transactions- monetary n non- monetary are retrieved by authorities as well to understand teh entire picture n they add 1 and 1 as 2 and not as 4 !

    some peopel r saying- the hubby abhishek sounds a like a real jerk and probably is a woman beater. But it also sounds like neha /his wife used some shady tactics hoping to benefit her in family court. deport both!
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Dia3, What I understood is that many women are not like you or me, who get out if marriage or file divorce if there is abuse. If you read IL forum, you will realize that many women sacrifice their life or continue in bad marriage for years for their parents, society, kids,etc..so many factors and fears there. I feel that most Indian women raised in Indian conservative background don't have the courage to do it. They go for divorce only as the last resort. You might have read that marriage cases are rising in India because many women now have the courage to move on , especially financially Independent women. I think others continue as they are afraid about how to survive.. in US it is better but OP is from India, she only can answer why she wants to continue..

    Many women under abuse have low self esteem and they don't the strength to stand for self respect . Many posts in IL forum on it. Even a post on stockhome syndrome in arranged marriage .

    If OP don't have the courage to take a bold step, she need to wait till she figure out what to do with her life. In the mean time she should avoid abuses as much as possible by reducing interaction with him. How one can reduce it? That is the the point many ladies conveyed here including me..
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2017
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  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    My point is that she continued in marriage even when she was in good status to file a divorce. If you search Google, there is already a 911 case against that husband for beating her in a public place. Some one called 911 few years back. Still she tried to help her husband instead of getting out of marriage. There was abuse for sure. Video not there audio clips reveal it well. May be due to lack of visual evidence he almost escaped. But trial is still going on...I don't know why she continued in marriage..
    Here Is the Powerful Statement a Wife Read Aloud to the Court and Her Abusive Husband
    If I go divorce case I make sure that my money is saved some where else. If we file divorce here all bank accounts will be locked and all money will mostly devided 50-50 I think.. it depends... so I dont she did something by withdrawing. Why should one give money to abuser..if wife earns more or have more money she has to give it to husband while settling divorce. I read it in somepost here.
    Anyway more experienced people can comment on it. I don't know much about divorce laws here.

    Let us see what OP has to say. OP if you beat your husband for any reason, he can also file for abuse.. so be careful
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2017
  9. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    If he is indifferent to you, you repeat his behavior to him. Don't try to explain logically, that is of no use. If possible, try not giving him a chance to abuse you - by minimizing your interaction with him as much as possible. One more thing, it is not about Taurean or any zodiac sign. This has nothing to do with zodiacs, anyone with behavioral issues will exhibit this behavior. If you can't leave him, learn to live with him, that's all I can say. There is not much use asking members on this forum because such people are tough to deal with. You need to fortify yourself, when you do, you don't need to ask anyone's opinion, you will know the answers to your problems yourself.
     
  10. dia3

    dia3 Silver IL'ite

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    my friends have a saying- marry early and repent later......OPs story is sad...i feel sorry for her child who has to see all thsi drama.
    That is why, its very important to study, land a nice job, achieve soemthing in ur career/ life , secure finances in your accounts n then marry..

    rather than marrying n bearing abuse becoz u have no financial backup to walk out or live a cozy life...i have also seen most women who stay in abusive marriage think they won't land a nice partner second time around or are weak to lead an independent life or a cozy life !..

    .i know my fiance since i was 27..he proposed for marriage within 6 months..i clearly told him, no i won't marry before 30s, i have to do higher studies, achieve my dreams, enjoy life.......i told him, i will then earn, get some hot shot career, secure my finances n marry in my mid 30s n then have kids...i clearly told him, if he is in a rush, he can marry someone else...today we both are very very successful in our career, earning in top brackets...he and i have accomplished so much..we have been dating all these years....he asked me for marriage in early 30s again n i wasn't ready even then - i knew he was teh perfect man but i still had my dreams to achieve...then he proposed sometime back again for marriage n he said now u n i have accomplished so much , seen everything, lets get married n i agreed...now we are in mid 30s n wud be marryin now...

    as far as kids are concerned, these days age is not big deal..in west n cosmopolitan cities in india, women are delivering healthy babies in early 40s also...my doctor sister had perfectly healthy preganncy and helathy baby in late/ very late 30s intentionally..she was busy with her residency and surgery positions till late 30s..,..my nephew is a very healthy energetic 4 year old now !

    so moral of teh story is - if u just make marriage the beginning n end of ur life or rely on ur husband to achieve your dreams, things will go awry...

    imagine youth wasted on the wrong person n seen horrid thngs in ur youth...n neither accomplished things on professional front n bearing abuse all these years !!..wow, what a tragic life--esp when somebody's 20s to 40s r ruined !! hope God gives peace to these people.
     
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