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Abusive Husband!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by somam16, May 3, 2017.

  1. somam16

    somam16 New IL'ite

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    Hello Friends,
    I am married to an extremely stubborn person for last 12 years and have a 9yr old daughter. My husband is a typical Taurean very short tempered, extremely stubborn and orthodox. He gets irritated very easily for petty little things and has the habit of blaming me for every little thing in this world. If I protest he becomes arrogant, verbally abusive and stops communicating for days together. If I try to explain, things become worse. He is very controlling and dominating by nature. At other times he is normal and caring but the moment we have a fight he is completely a different person, indifferent to everything, self-centered and violent most of the time. He shouts, breaks things in front of him, slams the door on our face and continues his temper for 15- 20 days or sometimes more than that. I naturally get disturbed by his behavior and if I try to calm him logically it becomes worse. He doesn't want to share any of my responsibility like teaching my kid or attending her and gets irritated if I tell him to help me in my household chores or share any other responsibility. Being in the US it is sometimes difficult to manage everything single handedly and his dominating nature hurts me more. I feel I am treated as a doormat and I am expected not to raise my voice against any of his behavior. He demeans me so much sometimes that I feel like going for divorce. My daughter is also suffering because of our relationship issues and I feel pity for her. He loves his daughter but whenever there is a fight he accuses me that I am responsible for all that has happened and pinpoints me even for his actions. Of late we had a fight and it was for a very simple issue as I asked him to help me as I couldn't manage so many things together. It is actually affecting my health, I get drained out completely at the end of the day. He was violent as usual and stopped communication for 8 days. I tried talking to him but he was adamant and behaved as if I have done something seriously wrong. 2 days back I tried to talk when he started comparing me with other ladies, abusing me and blaming me again. I was under a lot of stress as he also was penalizing my daughter by not talking to her as well. I was completely devastated and threw away the cup of tea that he was holding... little bit of the tea fell on his jeans and he started abusing me saying that I tried to burn him and also used very ugly slang words on me. I told him to stop but he was going on and then in that hit of the second I slapped him. He was more violent and also slapped me back and then he had no control on his words. After a day I said Sorry to him and also said that it was because he was using slang words that made me lose control over myself. He was least repentant and his still in the same form as before, I don't think I will be able to change him ever. I don't want to divorce him for the sake of my daughter but do not know what to do. I am trying hard to get a job but at times feel miserable. Please advice.
     
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  2. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Why he comparing with other ladies.
    Get a job soon.save ur money
     
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  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    He has lots of anger issues.how old is your kid
     
  4. RoshiniMichael

    RoshiniMichael New IL'ite

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    Hi dear
    Feeling very sorry for u as I have underwent all ur problems. This may be their born nature and whatever we make them understand its like hitting our head against the wall. Firstly apply for a job and stand on ur legs. Make him feel ur importance. Tell him that u r still with him just bcos of ur love. Instead of convincing him you stay calm and just be like nothing has happened. Only then he will feel how much u have sacrificed for him . Hope ur life will be fine soon.
    With love,
    Roshini Michael
     
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  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Ur hubby seems to have a serious control issues n jus doesnt want to do anything around d house. It's weird dat he stops talking to ur child too.

    Talking purely from a child's aspect of it, Ur child will b more affected by u staying in dis abusive marriage. By walkin out, u r showing her to stand up for herself. N not take nonsense. N dat as a gal she can be courageous n achieve watever she wants. N in the course of life, if u come across the right partner for u, she can see that u r happy again which will make her even more happy n give more faith in life. N also show that not all men r like her abusive father.

    If u wana leave, start planning now. Don't say u r staying for ur child n put ur child thru this all her life. She doesn't deserve dis.
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2017
  6. bhagya85

    bhagya85 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi dear,
    You too stop talking to him..don't ask sorry when the mistake is not yours alone. Don't even bother to meet him eye to eye.Just do your regular job and stay away from him. When you attempt to solve the issue though the mistake was not from your side....he takes you for granted..Spend time with your daughter..go out with her..finish your work and make time for yourself...Make him realize his anger doesn't bother you in anyway...If you don't feel like cooking..text him that you are sick and get food from outside..Whenever he shouts..just stay calm..IMO 'silence is the solution to lots of problems'. I understand how difficult it would be as i too face some of the your problems..
     
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  7. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Silence is the best medicine. When he starts shouting , please don't be in that area. Move to another room. Take your own hobbies and spend more time with your daughter
     
  8. WorriesTooMuch

    WorriesTooMuch Silver IL'ite

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    Yes, your husband is extremely abusive not only to you but also his innocent daughter who is not equipped to face such abuse at the hands of her own father.

    First things first, get yourself a job. You are in the US, it's not like India where there are limited avenues. Anything that earns some money will do. Save up some and then leave along with your daughter. Help is available for women leaving abusive relationships - make use of these.

    Please do not stay with this man for your daughter - she's suffering everyday and she's too little to go through so much trauma. The fear she feels everyday will create long standing problems afterward. I'm a former victim, so I know what I'm talking about. I do not blame my mother for not leaving as it was 25 years ago in a small town in India but if it was now.. I'll be begging her to leave.
     
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  9. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    Divorce.
     
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  10. peet1983

    peet1983 Silver IL'ite

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    Hey,

    Its really hard to be in a situations where there are so many fight and arguments. but still it worth to do a analyse. Is he was like this last 12 years ? and how did you manage this many years? Do he have the same behavior in his work place and the people he meets daily?
     

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