1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Abuse / Lies is all that I get from this marriage!! What should I be doing?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MadhuRao, Jan 18, 2015.

  1. MadhuRao

    MadhuRao Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,283
    Likes Received:
    25
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Abuse / Lies is all that I am getting from this marriage!! What should I be doing?
    Married for more than a decade!!

    My husband is harassing me every day for something or the other. This has been the situation from the day we got married, for my parents sake I keep quite all these years.
    When we got married he didn’t have a proper job or money. He made me work and waited for my salary month after month. He used to snatch the money in the pretext of investment.
    Now that he has a decent job with decent bank balance and we own a house in prime location (I have paid maximum EMI to clear off the home loan quickly) instead of taking care of me, he is abusing me. Telling lies in front of both the families. He behaves with me abusively and tells the other way to my parents and his brothers and sisters. All of them support him and bad mouth about me.
    He says I have gone ugly and old when we are alone. On the contrary he tells the family that I call him unattractive and dirty.

    In May 2014, when my father and brother came to Wish me on my birthday he made nasty remarks on me and forced my father to stay at our place over night to advise me.
    Next day, he called all his family people and made bad remarks on me and now denies making them. His family speaks equally bad about me with others.
    Everyone who knows me empathize with me but nobody believes his behavior as he acts very learned in front of them. He ran out of the house twice and shamelessly called to check if he could return when none of us persuaded him to return during the second run away.
    Being a Indian women, Indian mentality allowed him to come back thinking that he has realized and will be good to me. But now again he is abusing me, I should not question his actions. Earlier he used spy on me, shout at my coworkers and hit me also. Now, I think his brothers and sisters have ear picked, he shouts on top of this voice, makes ruckus at home so that neighbors think I am at fault. He even went to the extent of saying I am in depression and going insane to one of my good friend neighbor as we are childless.
    His sister is spreading all bad things about me in the common circle. I do not know what I should be doing with such family. I strongly feel they are conspiring something!
    My parents are very conservative and say I should adjust and keep my mouth shut. To some extent I can, but how long will you tolerate the torture.
    Our house is in joint name, some of my deposits have his nomination. He is denying to transfer the house to my name. I have lost everything thinking that he is a good man and small misunderstanding exists in every marriage and his upbringing happened in village. What should I be doing to secure my future? Please advise.
    Legal advises are most welcome!!
     
    Loading...

  2. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,747
    Likes Received:
    1,710
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    You are working and you have no child to tie you to an abuser.

    if you do not want to stay with him , you should walk out . Don't let your parents force you to choose a life of abuse.

    Seek a lawyer and see what you can do. You can book this husband in domestic violence case too.

    the nominations on FDs can be daily changed, go to bank and change the nomination. Your husband end not kNow about it. House will also go nowhere since you are the joint owner.

    you need to first decide whether you want to stay or not and take appropriate action
     
    4 people like this.
  3. noush

    noush Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    32
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    It i s clear from his behaviour that he is extremely insecure and money hungus.
    He thrives on attention and and always wants to have clear records of not doing the wrong things and blaming everything on you. he knows that your parents are conservative and hence you will not get any support from them and you will be stuck with him.

    take a bold step. if no one is helping you now in this conditions no one will help you in the future- so dont wait for anyone to come and take you out of your rut.
    YOU become selfish and take a bold step to be independent, and to have a safe and healthy future.

    you are in a much better position as you are a working lady, you do get your salary on the monthly basis. there are women who have abusive husband and also do have any financial security to take the step of moving out. You have this with you, make the most of it.
    and you are not answerable to anyone..
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    621
    Likes Received:
    1,160
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    I am really sorry to hear your plight and surprised that your is behaving this way especially when you did everything in your power to support him and yourself when times were tough.

    I agree with the suggestions that noush and armummy gave, and you should NEVER let that sort of pressure of "for my parents' sake, for my childrens' sake, for society's sake" let yourself be brainwashed into accepting an abusive partner or relationship.

    You're a capable, educated, confident and self-sufficient woman. You don't have kids with this guy. You're already far better off than you realize to put an end to this crap!

    You deserve better than to be deprived of living a happy life entirely just to appease others who aren't even going to have to live with this kind of abuse. Worse, can you imagine having kids with this guy and him doing those things to you in front of them, or even abusing them? Can you spend the next decade with this guy?

    Also sounds like you're having a hard time convincing other people with whom he's clever at putting on a dignified face. In your place, I'd consider putting a few hidden cameras and audio recorders in strategic locations and don't let him become aware of it. Keep it running for a period of time (2-4 weeks?). You can get some pretty nifty kits these days that aren't too expensive and can store the videos locally on their hardware or can be connected via wifi so they send the video directly to your computer or mobile. It's important to have that as evidence anyway should you find yourself considering a legal action or divorce.

    Somehow, this almost reminds me of a couple of friends I've had (one in high school and two others in college) who exhibited such extremities of behavior (extremities occurred differently between their close family members with whom they lived and when they ere outside)...and two of those wound up being diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, but one was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.

    Is there any way for you to get professional counsel on this (legal as far as your assets and payments have gone), or consider going to a marriage counselor or perhaps...a psychiatrist? Let them be aware that he's pretty good at putting up a facade in front of others so they don't let that throw them off in their assessment.
     
    4 people like this.
  5. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,633
    Likes Received:
    4,991
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    First of all collect all the proofs. Maybe have a secret voice recorder to record his abuses. Since he is a multi-face person, it will be difficult for you to divorce him. He will deny saying things and will have full support of his family. If he hits you call the neighbors or the police. Have some proof. Once you have the proof, hire a good lawyer and file for divorce.

    Currently, i don't see proof. It will be just his words vs your words.
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. sacredbell

    sacredbell Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    228
    Likes Received:
    137
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Many people who are active in this forum might be going through similar or even worse scenario like you. You have been married for a decade and it is not clear whether you have kids or not.

    You are educated and independent. It is up to you to decide if you want to continue with this relationship or not. Harassing mentally and physically is a criminal offence.
    You have a very conservative family background and it may be a disgrace for them to face divorce petition. Being middle aged, it may be difficult for you to find a new life partner. Living alone in our society is also a big challenge.

    You must evaluate the worst scenarios that could happen if you continue in this relationship and if you break up this relationship. Weigh them and make a decision of your own.

    However, it is very important to take control about your assets and savings asap. You can change the nominations of bank deposits anytime. Approach the Bank manager and submit the application form. Make a record of all financial transactions you make, atleast from nowonwards. If you give money to your DH, do it as a bank transfer with the reason write as a transaction note. Try to collect the evidence of your payments you made so far from old passbooks and payment receipts. In case, if you go to court in future, you may need all these things as a proof to secure your savings / assets.

    Do not let anyone to abuse you physically. You can also record verbal abuse in your mobile phone as a evidence. Verbal and physical abuses are criminal offences and you can use them as an evidence in court to protect your interests.

    Before going to court / legal proceedings, you can warn and put stop to such confronting situations. Neither you nor your DH would like to live their life in a war zone. So discuss with him and ask if he wants to continue like this or not..
     
  7. indoc

    indoc Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    642
    Likes Received:
    518
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Looks like he's a coward.. run-aways are mostly escapists..
    Did you ever retaliate his physical and mental abuse??.. if he hits you, hit him back... As @Akanksha1982 said, collect all proofs. Start with the bank: you paid EMIs.. you might transferred it from your account. Get those proofs..
    And please don't try to get character certificates of "good girl, lovely housewife" etc. from this society.. society sucks
     
  8. dsmenon

    dsmenon Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    829
    Likes Received:
    982
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Oh dear, i am sorry to hear what you are going through. From what you have written i understand that your husband has a lot insecurities.

    If you think that this is something that you cannot deal with you should call it quits. You have a job, you can support yourself. Parents may not knw your difficulty or if they knw and they don't support your decision then there is no point in making them understand. You are an adult and you should stand up for yourself.

    Regarding changing the nominee in the bank account it is not that difficult. You can go to a bank and get it done in a few mts.

    If you decide to walk out of the relationship, talk to a good lawyer and discuss about property and other aspects.

    Hope this helps..
     
  9. MadhuRao

    MadhuRao Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,283
    Likes Received:
    25
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for all the advises, suggestions.
    Behind this is his Brothers and Sisters. He believes them more than me.......He has to learn a lesson...how and when????
     
  10. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    733
    Likes Received:
    961
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    OP,

    Record what he says to you when you are alone (without his knowledge). Don't bother about his brothers/sisters now, if you are not living with them. You have to draw strong and clear boundaries with your husband first. I am not blaming you here, OP. It must be difficult to live through this daily.

    I was just wondering how would he react if you said next time "Honey, please don't say those things. You know they are not true. You can discuss any issues with me, not in front of others." Say it seriously, a little firmly, and with dignity. Do not give in to any drama. When he is maligning you in front of every one, and getting away with it, you have to tackle things very diplomatically in front of others.

    If saying this does not work, then walk away from the place. Cool off a little. Maybe call a trusted friend, who is strongly on your side. The embarrassment of being left alone in front of friends will make him check his behavior in future.

    If this also does not work, then the next step would be to call him out on it. He says something like this, just ask him in front of every one, You know you always spread lies about me to others. Do you have any proof that I said it? From now on, please go ahead and record any conversation where I am abusive to you, and show it to every one. If you still don't have any proof, then it only shows you are lying. I have had enough of this. Then leave.

    If this also doesn't work, and he starts this again, then play the tapes where he is being abusive to you in front of others. Have the recordings on your mobile always.

    The more you keep quiet and get embarrassed over his behavior, the more it continues. Let him know you will not tolerate this henceforth.

    He seems like a clever manipulator, who wants to control your whole life. Probably he did not learn the right way to treat women from his family. You should not lose your temper with him and others when he says these things. But if you deal with it this way, you do not lose face in front of others.

    Also be careful not to say this in front of in laws, as they are biased against you. Don't bother what any of your in laws say. Try to restrict your conversations with them. Do all this in front of colleagues or family friends, people who may be a little neutral or favourable to you, at least colleagues and family friends do not have a personal bias against you other than what your husband feeds them. When they find he is lying, they will not support him. Let his family say what they want. Lies have a way of being exposed. Don't even bother about worthless people. Also, don't have him to talk to your parents. You call them in his absence. Keep the conversations short, and don't discuss these issues with them.

    Make your own friends. Visit them without your husband. Do not introduce them to each other. After you have formed a bond with them, you can tell them a little or more, about your husband. They can be your support system if things go wrong.

    But first, do tie up all your money away from him.

    Chances are he will improve once you embarrass him a little in public. But proceed cautiously. See how he reacts. If he is better, you be nice. Otherwise, keep enforcing your boundaries little by little.

    A little public embarrassment can be all the lesson he needs to behave himself.
     

Share This Page