Absolutely No Intimacy?

shari2003 · May 14, 2016

Dear ladies,
This is not my issue, but, something that a girl in close relation had to go through. I was touched, and thought I should share this.
She is well-educated, and got married around 1.5 years back to a S/W engineer, gold medalist in his grad and post-grad courses. She was raised in very conservative circumstances and did not even know anything about intimacy in married life. Though her cousins were very close to her, she never disclosed that they never shared intimacy, no touch, hugs, whatsoever. It was so bad that they sat on two ends of the couch, slept on two ends of the bed and shared every house chore like room-mates. Slowly she started wondering if others she knew shared the same kind of life like hers. And meanwhile he had spoken to her and made her believe that sex/ intimacy is only to make babies and they would do it when they needed a baby in their life. In spite of all this, they appeared close couples to the outside world, they spoke cheerfully, spoke well to each other's families and took part in get-togethers like any other couple does.
Her world came to a shattered glasshouse when she accidentally happened to see a dirty message in his phone from his "boyfriend". She read up on the web to understand and comprehend the message she saw, stealthily looked at his phone and emails and realized that she was married to a gay, someone who dressed up in colorful female attire, wore kajal and bindis when at home and she saw all these photographs in his old box. He blew huge amounts on his entertainment, fulfilled all his desires and yet managed to keep her in the dark for more than a year.
She confronted him and all he did was cry, he cried like a woman, sobbed. She took him to seek medical attention and for counselling sessions, but, the doctors were of no help because he was so much into feminity that he could not make a comeback. He then begged with her that they should commit suicide, because he did not have the courage to face the world, she refused.. She made an escape from the country she was living to India and managed to bring him down as well.
And yesterday I came to know that they had moved joint petition for divorce. Her life is ruined, isn't it? She is a second, if her parents try to find another match for her, for no fault of hers.
What would you suggest to avoid any woman from going through such scenarios? Does educating our daughters help? As parents how can we ensure that we find the right match for our children, or, make sure they know how to choose the right one?
And above all, what advice do I give this girl, to console her?

Anusuya · May 14, 2016

life is full of puzzles, we do not know whats it stores for all of us.

Educating D wil only help them to stay away from such ppl.

when it comes to marriage we parents have lot of responsibilities to bear.

we being parents needs to have lot of patience, while choosing the match. inspite of all our efforts it's difficult to predict the nature of such ppl.

what i feel is before accepting any match we need to interact with many ppl for such background.

in past ppl used to look for match within their own circles.

in present scenario all are financially independent, and r more free to chose their match according to their needs.

as parents we can support them till the end. but its really too difficult to change the behavior of such ppl.

satchitananda · May 14, 2016

She is best off getting out of this relationship and it would be good if she clearly states her grounds of divorce exactly as they are. This might be of help to her in future when she looks for someone else to share her life with.

Next time around she needs to get to know the guy better before marrying him. Of course there can never be any guarantees. This is what comes of sweeping homosexuality under the carpet and pretending it does not exist. The stigma prevents people from coming out and they end up ruining someone else's life.

QueenBee · May 14, 2016

Only way to reduce these things from happening is by changing the mindset of our society to treat
homosexual & transgender individuals as normal human beings with equal rights. If the society is more accepting then there wouldn't be any reason to hide gender identity or sexual preference.

blossomingbud · May 17, 2016

shari2003 said: ↑

And yesterday I came to know that they had moved joint petition for divorce. Her life is ruined, isn't it? She is a second, if her parents try to find another match for her, for no fault of hers.
What would you suggest to avoid any woman from going through such scenarios? Does educating our daughters help? As parents how can we ensure that we find the right match for our children, or, make sure they know how to choose the right one?
And above all, what advice do I give this girl, to console her?
Click to expand...

really???ruined??? Yes it is not fair to her. Yes she or for that matter anyone else doesn't deserve this. Yes she and her parents will have a huge impact of this on. but ruined????

I know that you mean well. You care about her. But this kind of attitude is really not helpful to her. Her life is not ruined. its not an end. Its a setback, struggle, negative thing, hurdle and many more but not an end. Stop conveying that message unintentionally to her or her family or anyone else.

APS45 · May 18, 2016

Few more threads similar to this, sad to know the state of affairs. There are pre-marital medical check-up available, in Apollo for example - tests for potency and fertility are part of it I guess. Perhaps one shall insist on testosterone level test as well, if it is low means more feminine behaviors and appearance than masculine, that should raise an alarm. About the sexual orientation or lack of it, a psychological evaluation through specialists may be arranged through the diagnostic center which does the pre-marital check-up.

Denni · May 19, 2016

I am bit lost here. Is being a gay same as transgender? Your friends husband dresses as female with feminine characteristic whereas a gay can be as macho and manly but prefer man for sexual purposes.

He's not fit to be anyone's husband. The best option for your friend is too get divorce and move on. Just pray for her to find a real man and someone who truly can understand her first marriage trauma and accept her. Its no way her fault and she must understand that. If I am in her shoes, I would sue the guy for ruining my life!!! need to teach this loser some lesson!!!

SunPa · May 19, 2016

I think Denni is right, it appears that your friend's husband is transgender ie . he is born male but has the emotions of a female.

Best for her to divorce him and move on. There is no way things can work out in her favour if she carries on this marriage.

Denni said: ↑

I am bit lost here. Is being a gay same as transgender? Your friends husband dresses as female with feminine characteristic whereas a gay can be as macho and manly but prefer man for sexual purposes.

He's not fit to be anyone's husband. The best option for your friend is too get divorce and move on. Just pray for her to find a real man and someone who truly can understand her first marriage trauma and accept her. Its no way her fault and she must understand that. If I am in her shoes, I would sue the guy for ruining my life!!! need to teach this loser some lesson!!!
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Akanksha1982 · May 20, 2016

Ask you friend to divorce. There is no point in having kids in such a relationship.

Amica · May 20, 2016

shari2003 said: ↑

And yesterday I came to know that they had moved joint petition for divorce.
Click to expand...

She should get an annulment rather than a divorce.

.