About Parents & Siblings After Marriage

Wow indeed. Excommunicate the parents!

 

Very interesting topic. Is this different to Indian culture?

I have a friend, whose son married a non-Indian. The girl loves her husband and cares for him very much. For her nothing changes after the marriage. She takes off whenever she feels like and comes home whenever … She has to spend time with her father and mother (her parents are separated and live in different houses). Every day she goes straight to her mother’s house after work and comes home at 9 pm. Every weekend she goes to be with her dad in the morning and comes back late in the night. She feels it is her freedom and for her nothing has changed. Her husband doesn’t object because he knows that is an off the table subject; but, he loves her.

For me, being an Indian, it looks very strange. They both keep their finances separate and her parents, sister and niece are completely dependent on her financially. She has to do overtime to manage her financial responsibility. She doesn’t ask any help from her husband to support her parents or for herself. In fact she keeps her family at a high standard of living. She bought a house for her dad and has to pay for the mortgage, rent for her mother’s place, all their bills, groceries and car insurance ….

My friend lost her husband 2 ½ years ago and her son wanted her to live with him (he is the only son). My friend is financially independent; but, doesn't want to go against her son's wishes. Few months later he got married in a temple in Indian ceremony. Her daughter-in-law has no problem with his mother living with them and she is cordial to her. My friend tells me that she says “bye amma and I am home” every day. She doesn’t cook; but, makes coffee for all 3 every morning and cleans her bathroom and washes her and his clothes. They have been married for two years now. ILs, what are your thoughts? I don’t know what to make out of this.

 

Every family is different. In the both scenarios, it may be working out for them without any problems or they were able to pull through despite the problems.

If you are coming from a conventional family, you will have difficulty in accepting non conventional ones. In Indian families, especially arranged marriage ones, there are expectations from DILs. Starting with taking care of parents, have job, have kids when parents want, not visit DIL's home often etc. After marriage in the initial days, DILs start to act like the perfect DIL and later on it will become difficult when it comes to change. I was like that, probably too much of the serials I watched and my mom ingrained perfect DILs cook, clean and do all that impossible jobs in a day and don't look tired or irritated.

 

In both cases there seems to be gender equality.

1) In the first case, the lady is free to live her life and help her family the way she wants to. Just the way the guys are free to do.
She doesn't have to ask for permission to visit her maternal family or to help them financially....just like Indian sons are expected to.

In the second case,assumming the dil is working outside of home just like her husband ...she is doing very little ,just like her husband probably is doing very little.

If the mil was not living with the young couple,they would most likely be sharing household work .
She(dil) should not be expected to do the house work while her husband is not expected to do the same.....just because mil is living with them.

Ideally both the husband and wife should come back from office and share the workload with the older lady . The dil is as guilty of neglecting housework as the son of the mil.

 

My friend's son is very organized unlike his wife. If the dishes are there in the sink, he doesn't ask anyone to wash - does it himself. He even cleans the kitchen. My friend has never complained about her dil.

I am confused - between work and parents, she spends less time with her husband. It seems more like room mates.

 

In a recent thread, a sibling acquired through the practice of rakhi had gone on to a close relationship with a "brother" in the same town. This has caused much anguish to the "sister"-in-law (the rakhi brother's wife) who posts a thread here on this forum.

Married persons (both male and female) should know in what manners their continued relationships with friends, classmates, and whoever else that had been in their lives prior to the marriage, as well during the time of married life, might affect the marital relationship. And behave appropriately, in person, as well as in social media on the internet and mobile phone.

 

Those were the SodexHo coupon days.. when I got married I took out that bunch of coupons from my bag that my employer would give me monthly and my sil went 'oh..they are yours'.. I said ' yeah but we can share'.. she went extremely sad and just passively stormed away... I had no clue what just happened and gave it a shrug.

Then when my husband came home he took out his coupons and then I got it . So I took them to her to give them saying its her brothers bunch, just when I was about to hand them; my husband came in and saw the bunch in my hand and he said ' thats fine, we can use them from now as until now I never did grocery so did not know where to use'...

My sil had to smile and look happy on that note. I actually felt bad for her, honest. Felt kind of she was at loss or something.

However, I realised eventually that in my husbands culture SIL will never be at any deficit of any kind and everyone around her will make sure of that. Daughters will be kept preciously bundled. Good for her.(My DH has gifted her major properties that he bought .I used to care but I now have decided to pick battles that I can hope to win).

Although I wasn't that gifted in the 'preciously bundled' category. I was taught to fend myself ( and I am greatful for that instilling). But hey! I wasn't at a sweeping loss either.. I had doubled up on SodexHo that I can frivolously spend on grocery. Bling life!

I love my sister , so its only natural for him to love his sister ( with slight change of dynamics). My sister wont expect anything from me because she has a sister, not a brother. Also, she is proud fending herself ( ofcourse!when it comes to being there for each other in need; we cannot be stopped) Also, she dosnt feel that my husband snatched me away from her.

My sil although being 8yrs elder to my DH took quite few years to get over the fact that her brother was married. We all have good rapot nevertheless, we have managed to do OK .

This is how siblings of either side reacted in my story.

 

Congratulations to the young couple for being mature, responsible individuals raised with good values.

 

Siblings / parents need to check before planning a long visit to the married son/ daughter or brother/ sisters house. Also respect the rules of the married couples home.