A year after my letter to Srikkanth

Malathijagan · Jun 27, 2007

Hello Sriniketan,
As you rightly said we are in a thrisangu Sorgam. Some times it seems very scarry at the way the modern kids are behaving and some times these same kids make us look at them with admiration! All we can do is pray for a good society in the future. And nowadays we need to be frank with the kids if we need to keep track of them .
Thanks for your views.
Rgds

varalotti · Jun 27, 2007

Dear Malathy,

First hats off to your candour and then again hats off to your composure. Encouraged by your frankness I am also tempted to share my views very openly. Let's face it, Malathy. Sex is a very natural urge in youth. It is the time when testosterone and oestrogen levels will peak. Boys will like to have a peep always. There was definitely a time when I was a boy and had similar tendencies.

My view is there is nothing per se wrong in a boy watching an obscene picture. The thing becomes a problem only when watching these things become an obsession. Then it affects their productivity, their thinking and even their habits.

Those urges are nature's way of preparing them for parenthood. I would rather just leave it as such and not even mention it.

But you have handled it in a very matured fashion. My suggestion to you as your friend is just forget the matter and never raise the topic in future.

Regards,

Malathijagan · Jun 27, 2007

Dear Akalya,
Thank you for having responded to this post.

My point would be this. We all should probably accept that teenagers will watch intense pornography in this age of internet. There is no getting around it. They get pleasure out of it and with the hormonal river at that age, it is just not going to be controllable. You should just hope that they do it in private with deference to elders.

What you have said is very true. We should all accept teenagers of today as they are. Modern technology has made many more things available to the modern day youth which was not available during our growing up days which when applied in a wrong way corrupts the young minds. I have heard mothers of VIIIth class students complaining that they suspect their kids visit **** sites. In such a situation when a suspicion has arisen in one's mind, it is best that it is frankly discussed with their wards so that they do not seek information through wrong channels. Today's kids prefer to have a heart to heart talk rather than take advices. I do agree that they should give deference to the elders. But I have clearly stated in my thread that it was I who went into my son's room and he was caught unawares. But basically he is a wonderful kid and what I have discussed in my thread is only a small part of our discussion We had a helathy talk for a full 3 hours on various topics which gave me a clear picture of his views and perceptions on various matters. Quite a lot of parents have a negative quality of jumping to conclusions with very little facts and knowledge.SoI wanted to share my experience with such parents and to let them know thatwe need to handle adoloscents very carefully and gently. For that we first need to acknowledge that these problems exist and then to accept that our children are not an exception to the rules of nature. Then it becomes easier for us to handle them in a way that is beneficial to both parents and kids. after having performed our duty let us leave it upon that Supreme Being who will surely take care of our children.
Regards

Malathijagan · Jun 27, 2007

Thank you Sridhar for having given me a friendly suggestion. As I have myself mentioned I was in two minds to post it here. But I have come across quite a lot of parents who have created a lot of problems for themselves and for their kids by handling things in an improper manner. In fact my kids used to come home and narrate to me about their friends' problems at home even as they were in school. It used to make me wonder how parents could behave in such a manner with their own kids. And as the times are fast changing, I thought it fit to share my experiences so that atleast some parents acknowledge that this is a problem faced in every house. With tolerance level amongst the youth going very low, we as parents have to be extremely careful in dealing with them in a most sensible manner. In our days it was totally different and we wouldn't even talk back to our parents. And as you "She" episode is a standing example for the modern generation we should also prepare ourselves mentally to deal with new situations.
As you have suggested I would certainly like to forget this matter and would never like to raise this topic with my son again. If I talked to him openly, it was just to indicate to him that I was aware of his adoloscence and was just trying to comfort him and at the same time warning him of the limits that should not be exceeded. Even though the kids of these days are smart, they have no fear and so behave impulsively sometimes. So it is our duty to put them on the right track.
Thank you and regards

sudhavnarasimhan · Jun 27, 2007

Dear Malathi,
That was so thoughtful and mature of you to share this with all of us,....shows how you trust us all and feel that we are such good friends here that we can share our innermost thoughts which we would not open to our own family even!
I don't know about sons....but i have a daughter who is 20 now.....well dont ask , but i did worry for her so much that i was totally a nervous wreck. That too since she had to move away and be in the campus and would get to visit only on weekends.
But it is almost 2 years now and i always wonder how she coped with the peer pressure and learnt all the necessary things needed, and how to say NO and when to say No....also the way she shared all the little details. I had to tell her so many times that it is difficult for me to digest all the things she is exposed to! But her one answer was that she saw me as her BEST FRIEND and to whom else can she share or ask anything! That made me aware that i have to grow up and take charge now and be able to guide her!
But if we let them share and not condemn them , then in the long run all the values we would have instilled in them from childhood will guide them.....this was actually the advise a elderly german friend(married to a hindi professor) told me couple of years ago....and i can see now in my daughter's case to be so true!
So i feel what you did was the right thing by asking him directly .....like i already said, we should have a steel heart to digest what they have to go through in this modern era!
thanks malathi for sharing , it made me also share what i am going thru here with my only daughter!:2thumbsup:

Malathijagan · Jun 28, 2007

Dear Sudha,
"shows how you trust us all and feel that we are such good friends here that we can share our innermost thoughts which we would not open to our own family even!"
That was what I liked about Indus Ladies. Some how we could relate to ourselves in a bond even without having seen each other!
Even though sometimes we feel a little delicate and sensitive while talking to our kids, I have always felt that it goes a long way in expressing our concerns and thoughts as well as understanding them better. If Love cannot work , then nothing else will and that is my strong belief. Thank you for having shared your experiences with your daughter.

Chitvish · Jun 29, 2007

Dear Malathy,
I read your post with great interest because I have passed through all these stages.
You said, you asked your son

Whats this obscenity on your laptop? I didn't expect this of you!"

Let me tell you, Malathy, all teenagers go through these stages definitely. Some do things discreetly and rarely get caught. I think, they are plain curious. When so much is talked about & displayed in the media, how will they not get an interest as to what it is all about ?
My husband is a teatotaller; but when my son had his first taste of drinks, he came home & asked me whether I had any objection. I told him that so long as he knew, where & when to stop, it was fine with me. If I had raised it to him as a big issue, accusing him how he could be so unlike his father, he would have started doing on the sly. I don't want to tell a lie that I did not feel disturbed. But I wanted him to go through the experience and decide for himself - this is where the values of how we bring up our children, come to the fore. He is a businessman & a social drinker, as he calls himself. I think if I had been harsh with him, he would not have liked it at all & felt that I was tough with him.
He also used to discuss with me about his girl friends which made me heave a sigh of relief that he shared a healthy relationship with me. Let me also reveal that we both made sure V was not around, because he would have raised his voice and commented that me & my son were hand in glove for all his "activities" !

One of my friends always complains that her husband watches on the internet, pictures of nude women, on the sly. She says, if he boldly watches them when she is around, it will not bother her ! It is this secrecy on his part that disturbs her !

These are not the days when we can have a control over our children on their day to day activities. The solid foundation we have laid in bringigng them up only can help them decide on what to do & what not to do !

Love,
Chithra.

Malathijagan · Jun 29, 2007

Dear Chithra,
Thank you very much for your inspiring reply to my post. That statement which you have highlighted was my immediate response out of an emotional outburst. And that was the reason I walked out of the room to compose myself and to get back to a practicle approach. And I have always felt that the modern moms have been fairing better in exchange of views with their wards than the fathers! As you said about yourself, all our discussions are when my hubby is away! We feelore comfortable that way! Certainly, after our discussions we have understood each other better and have become more pally! All that ends well is good. I really valued your response very much. Thankyou very much.

Cheeniya · Jun 30, 2007

Dear Malathi
It's a human tendency to expect everyone, particularly our offsprings, to have the same attitude towards life as we have! When I was somewhere in 9th Standard in Hindu High School, a big fight ensued between me and a classmate of mine when he mentioned that I was born out of physical intimacy between my parents! When this news of our fight leaked out every classmate of mine laughed at me and I felt very silly. Then my process of learning started with that classmate as my Guru and within 3 years I became as well informed on this subject as Vatsyayana!

Adolescence is a very complicated phase of life and chidlhood in some cases tenaciously resists the advent of adolescence. I was one such case and in those days, it was sacrilege for parents to talk to their children about certain 'home truths'. Today's children are blessed to have understanding and caring parents like you. Sometime ago, I read a review report about teenagers in India and I was initially shocked to read that about 80% have of them have had some practical experience of sex!

Knowledge of sex is one sure parameter by which peers judge each other in schools and colleges. To add to this complex problem, the advertisements of products that relate directly to sex flood the magazines and TV. Today's models appear to be more liberal in exposing themselves than the coverpages of Playboy Magazine of yesteryears. Therefore, this process that your son is going through is not only natural but has become essential. Even in our country, sex is being recommended as a curriculam in schools and colleges.
And remember that all of us who have gone through such a phase have grown up into mature persons with a good nature. We are not certainly grooming up our kids to become a Samiyar!

Parental guidance is not catching our children in any act that we do not approve of and giving them a dressing down. Human mind is highly rebellious and the moment we start curbing its natural learning process, it can go off at a tangent and start its own vicious learning process. I should really compliment you for your understanding of the complex learning process and your tesponsible behaviour as a mother. Children imbibe a lot of qualities from their parents and that puts a lot of demand on the parents. I always tell my two daughters that even if they are the kind of Dr.Jekyll with the tendencies of Mr.Hyde, to hide the Mr.Hyde in them if their children are around!

Last but not the least, as they say at the conlusion of long speeches, there is even the story of Adi Sankara having to learn the nuances of sex to prove the completeness of his knowledge by entering the body of the Raja of Kashi. Though this story is not substantiated, it has a definite message for all of us.

Malathi, your messages to your son on various aspects of growing are almost like and as important as the letters of Jawaharlal Nehru to his daughter Indra Priyadarshini!
Sri

Malathijagan · Jun 30, 2007

Cheeniya sir!
Thank you very much for the FB!It really boosted my spirits. As you rightly said, It's a human tendency to expect everyone, particularly our offsprings, to have the same attitude towards life as we have!
Only when we sit back and think for some time ,left all by ourselves with our higher self, that realisation dawns on us. Gone are the days when children unquestioningly followed what their parents preached them. We modern people shoud wake up to the reality and accept things as they come. I would like to borrow Kamla's words in her FB to "She episode-10"-"When a thing is marked as a taboo, it acquires much more importance in people's minds. It is better not to condemn those who opt for it. Time and experience are bound to erase what is not practical and acceptable." She had summed up her FB very beautifully.
"Human mind is highly rebellious and the moment we start curbing its natural learning process, it can go off at a tangent and start its own vicious learning process." These words of yours should be carved out on the rocks!
I don't know if my writings deserve to be compared with that of Jawarharlal Nehru but I feel honoured, such a one coming from an experienced writer as yourself!