1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

A weighty matter!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Gauri03, Nov 28, 2009.

  1. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,211
    Likes Received:
    13,034
    Trophy Points:
    445
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello Ladies,

    Right at the outset, I must admit that my problem is small beer compared to the life-affecting issues some of the ladies on this forum have. Nevertheless, it is a problem and I would appreciate any insights on dealing with this issue.

    My MIL is mostly an understanding woman and I have very few issues with her, though the credit for that belongs entirely to me. Once in a while her motherly jealousy springs up and she attempts to gossip about me or my parents with either my DH or my DSIL (I say DSIL because she is a darling and one of my best friends). Neither of them allow her to get away with it and always report back everything to me! She has said some mean things about my folks to my face but I have always believed that silence is golden. I never react and so the situation settles down on its own. On my part, I have always been respectful and given her a free reign of my house and kitchen whenever she visits us in the US. In short, I have worked hard at maintaining a pleasant relationship with her.

    However, there is an issue that I have not been able to deal with. My MIL FORCE FEEDS me! Go ahead and laugh if you have to :); even I did initially. She is known as a good cook and takes control of the kitchen as soon as she gets here. She cooks great tasting but very unhealthy food. Ghee floats on top of dishes she makes and drips from her chapattis. On top of that, I have seen her stir in a tablespoon of ghee into the rice before she serves it to me. She will put a teaspoon of butter in each chapatti and roll it and give it to me and if I try to open it to check she scolds me and says I am hurting her. She uses emotional blackmail to make me eat. She literally runs behind me to shovel rice into my plate. She cries if I throw the food and I cannot be rude to her. Every time she visits the US, I gain 7-10 pounds :-(! During and after my pregnancy she fed me by the platefuls and always accused me of not being concerned about my son when I refused to eat.

    On the same note, even though I am slightly overweight and everyone including DH tells me so, my MIL insists I am thin. She keeps saying you have lost a lot of weight, now stop. After my pregnancy she stopped me from going to the gym by saying that I would lose my milk supply. I actually gained 10 pounds in the months after delivery!

    When my mum comes I struggle and try to lose the weight but by then MIL is back. They visit us in cycles and I have never been able to lose the weight completely. I have a reprieve from her this year so I have been steadily losing weight and will be at my optimal weight by the time she visits again. I am feeling positive and healthy after a long time but I am worried about her visit. This time not only will she have an opportunity to force feed me but also my son who was on breastmilk the last time she came. I work and I am very worried about what she will do to my baby in my absence. I cannot hurt/offend her for my hubby's sake. How do I deal with this? BTW, She does the same thing to DH but I am the softer target.
     
    Loading...

  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,481
    Likes Received:
    30,224
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    Your description of the situation is very well-phrased and like you yourself mentioned it is not a biggie, but that such totally avoidable situations happen is irritating.

    In my opinion, having a frank talk with MIL will not be very useful as she will use the emotional blackmail tactic after a few days even if she agrees about the importance of eating healthy food. You taking over the kitchen or helping her a lot is also ruled out as looks like she loves to cook.

    If I were in your position (I would love to have anyone cook food for me!), I would use an outsider's advice, for example, my doctor's. I would invent a believable condition that needs me to eat healthy food with some restrictions. But then, I am not very close to my in-laws, and can get away with such white lies.

    About your son, if he is only a toddler, I wouldn't worry so much about what he eats, but more on he being fed by MIL rather than trying to eat himself. If what she makes for him is not healthy, I would suggest putting it on the pediatrician and say he/she said so...

    Does she also eat such unhealthy food? At that age, most people have to take a lot of care in what they eat. You mentioned they visit in cycles - how about making the cycles less frequent?

    I hope other ladies come up with more workable solutions.

    -Rihana
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2009
    1 person likes this.
  3. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    755
    Likes Received:
    504
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    How about you tell her that during a recent checkup, you discovered that your cholestrol and blood sugar was out of range and hence you are currently under a strict diet and workout regime as advised by your doctor. Cook up a convincing story of the serious side effects doctor has warned you of if you dont totally cut off fatty stuff.

    Talk about this to DH in advance and come to an agreement that he will say the same thing to your MIL about your diet restrictions.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2009
    1 person likes this.
  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    957
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    Gauri

    Some mothers/MILs show their affection by serving/feeding food to those they love...or care about! ofcourse sometimes like your situation its a bit uncomfortable as you dont want to hurt them at the same time dont want to affect your own health..

    Tell her that you had a stomach upset and severe stomache so went to the doctor and the doctor told you to decrease ghee or oil content in food which was the reason for stomach upset...create this one day after you come back from work or when you go out for groceries or so come back and say that....(I know its lying) but I dont suggest telling right on her face as it would make her feel upset. Rather blame it on the doc and give her the reason...elders surely take docs words seriously than ours :)
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,155
    Likes Received:
    1,461
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    First when I read your post, my eyes were in tears because I can see the affection in your MIL, running behind you to eat, serving extra ghee, OMG telling you have gone down even when u are overweight, I think I will touch her feet when I get to c her.

    Here my MIL says iam obease while I weigh only 56 kgs, she will look from the corner of her eye if ever I take a second helping of any dish of (which I have cooked), she keeps saying "provision expenses are at the peek now because consumption of food is more in our house" indirectly meaning "Iam eating lot" BTW my all the house hold expenses is been taken care of my DH.

    Sorry now coming to your actual problem.

    As our other freinds says just put the blame on doctor, tell her it is compulsory to follow their advise on diet and excercise, thatz it anyway she cannot literally force the food in your mouth. so relax' and enjoy your days with your MIL.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2009
    1 person likes this.
  6. manu2345

    manu2345 Junior IL'ite

    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    13
    Gender:
    Female
    hi
    i read your post and felt how lucky you are. your mother in law cooks for you.wow! great!. if i were you i would not mind gaining weight.of course this is my opinion.
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    491
    Likes Received:
    19
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Gauri,
    First, let me appreciate the efforts you have put/are putting in to maintain a good relationship with your mil. A mil will not show so much concern to her dil if she is not in turn good and loving to her. So , first :cheers to you.

    I can understand you situation, dear. I too gained 8 pounds when my mil was here, after my delivery! Similar story as yours. But only difference is that she is more health conscious and told me to go to the gym or do some exercise to lose weight! :biglaugh My mil also did a lot of healthy dishes for me. Sometimes, went overboard and tried to force things that I do not eat into me. When I refused, all hell broke loose and we had a bad day. :hide:

    My grandma is also like that. She tries to force more and more food into everyone, even guests who visit her house. People usually are terrified and start saying NO even at the first serving, so she stops at the 2nd or 3rd serving.

    Old people have their own way, their own beliefs in their knowledge and cooking, and consider themselves the most superior. While they might be more knowledgeable than us, we too deserve our space and they must learn to respect our wishes. Showing love by forcefeeding is, alas, not a thing that could bring them closer to the dil. Once in a while forcing sweets and all is ok. But doing that daily with unhealthy food or food not liked by the dil (who is an adult, BTW) is something that must be discouraged.

    About your mil forcing things into your son - ghee is actually good for a young boy. That should not be a problem. But, if she often gives him things that are not in tune with what you people think he should be fed, just tell her that his pediatrician has recommended that he eat such a such a food item. That he must be given US-type food (bread, bagels, sandwiches, cereal, etc.). Otherwise he will be ridiculed by other kids in school/day care. He will not learn table manners, etc. Pulling this off over your kid should be easy, I guess (than doing it for you).

    For safeguarding yourself, you can do the following.
    1. Point out to the doctor as the culprit. However, do not tell false stories that you have high BP, cholestrol, etc. as they might backbite you. In case you and/or your husband run into health problems, they might complain your lifestyle and you. So, do not tell more lies than necessary. Just tell them you are following a diet plan for a good lifestyle suggested by your dietician. You must report to her every 2 weeks, etc.

    2. Have you talked to your husband about this? Make him understand your predicament and perhaps if he tells his mom to hold the brakes, she will calm down and not force feed you.

    3. Does your mil have any health complaint? Try to convince her that too much fatty food is not good for her either. Take her for a general health checkup and see what the doc says.

    4. Try spending some time in the kitchen and doing rotis yourself, so that she does not get to put in so much ghee in them.

    You must show her that though your ideas of eating are different, you still love her and like her cooking. So, even before she asks you to taste something, just try it and say "Wow! Very tasty!" Do not let her feel upset when you folks take measures to safeguard yourselves against her generous helpings.

    Good luck!
    Sandhya
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2009
    1 person likes this.
  8. Peace777

    Peace777 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    126
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    20
    Gender:
    Female
    My MIL is very similar in this aspect and tries to force feed me. I have simply learnt to keep quite and at the end of my meal, put all the left overs in front of her in a bowl, and tell her that i'll have it in my next meal.
    When she tries to serve me something else in my next meal, i simply put my leftover food forward and say that i would finish my leftovers and if i need more i'll take it myself.

    She continued to force feed me, and i continued above strategy, and would end up with a couple of bowls of leftovers. Eventually she got the point and lets me take my food on my own. If she is serving, she will stop as soon as i say enough.

    Hope it helps!
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,211
    Likes Received:
    13,034
    Trophy Points:
    445
    Gender:
    Female
    To answer some of the questions that were asked, yes my MIL has health issues. She became diabetic at a very young age (around 30) and has been overweight all her life. In fact I think now she is at the lowest weight she has ever been in her adult life. One of saddest things is that due to her over feeding she has made my SIL severely obese; to the extent that it has become a major hurdle in finding her (SIL) a good match. My SIL who has since moved to the US and is living and working independently, has been working out with a trainer but MIL comes and ruins all her efforts. So what is a mildly annoying thing for me is major life-affecting issue for my poor SIL. But we (DH and SIL included) are afraid to say anything to my MIL. She will only react badly and will cry for days and never let us forget it for the rest of our lives.

    Rihana, Sandhya, Srividya, reshsabu and Peace777, thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. The doctor idea seems like a very good one. I will remember to try it. Blessed and manu2345, I am lucky that my MIL shares household responsibilities but our working styles in the kitchen are so different that I sometimes wish she would just let me manage alone.

    cheers,
    Gauri
     
    1 person likes this.

Share This Page