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A very Peculiar and Worrying Situation

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by jibberish135, Oct 3, 2014.

  1. jibberish135

    jibberish135 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Let me begin with a brief introduction of myself - Male - 29y - Married for 2y (Arranged Marriage) - living with my parents until two months ago - moved with my wife to a differnt city due to a job change.

    Let me begin at the very beginning.

    I am basically from city A, was working in city B when our marriage was fixed and my wife is from city C.

    After the marriage was fixed, I had requested for a sufficient courtship period (5 to 6 months) after the engagement so that me and my wife would not be complete strangers when we got married. However, for some personal reasons of my wife's family, they wanted the marriage to be scheduled within 3 months of the engagement.

    I was assured that i could visit her during these 3 months at her city and she would also come down to meet me at my city. Once i agreed for the marriage date, my wife (fiance then) refused to come down to meet me, and insisted that i travel to her place to meet her. I dint push this issue too far, and visited her a total of 4 times (twice alone and twice with my parents), and she visited me once. All of these were one day trips.

    On the run up to the wedding, there were many issues which came up. It kept increasing and one week before the wedding it got too bad to handle with my wife calling me names and the like. I immediately called her dad and asked him if his daughter was interested in going ahead with the marriage, and whoever is at fault, if we have second thoughts let us call off the wedding, since it is a lifetime commitment and we should not go ahead if she is not keen. I was told that since she is a single child its her immaturity and i should let it pass. I let it pass, and the marriage happened.(This is believe is my second big mistake, will come to the first one in a bit).

    In the run up to the marriage, a week after we got engaged, while my wife and i were dining at a restaurant, she told me that she'd agreed to get married to me only coz she was tired to dressing up for other prospective bridegrooms. She agreed coz her parents said it is a good alliance and that she would be happy with me. I let this comment pass as maybe i was too foolish not to decipher properly what was being said (I think this is the biggest mistake i have made to date).

    After the marriage, there were many pre-marriage issues that kept coming up. I was accused of many things, and sometimes i argued back, not always though. Whenever we would argue, she would scream at the top of her voice and my parents and grandma would start feeling sad that we were arguing immediately after the marriage; this made me keep quiet on many occasions.

    Honeymoon: During our honeymoon, these issues were again brought up. This time with my height. I am an inch over 6'. She insisted that i was taller and that i had not represented this properly in my horoscope. Now i can understand the heartache if its an unverifiable fact that she feels cheated on. But when you look at a guy, especially while fixing an alliance, is it not commonsensical to see the height difference between the two?
    I spend a chunk of my savings for a good honeymoon with no expense spared, and this is how it turns out.

    Money matters: She started working 6 months after we got married. She had a good job and earnt well. If i used to earn 'X', she used to earn 0.45X.
    Ever since we got married i used to spend on everything. But even after she started earning, she forced me to continue to pay for her personal expenses as well. So basically i used to pay for everything for the two of us...from socialising, to both our personal expenses, to paying for her tickets to travel to her home town to recharging her mobile phones to saving for our future and everything else.

    Paying a sum of 4k to 5k for her personal expenses may not be a big deal to write about. But how is this right? How can you force your spouce to pay for your own expenses when you're earning sufficiently well?

    Even now, when we are living alone in a different city, i pay for everything - rent to car servicing to everything else (you name it, and i foot the bill for it). She refuses to contribute any amount, even symbolically, saying that its the husbands duty to pay for everything. I think this attitude is completely wrong.

    One last important incident(s) before i wind up my long post.

    While i was staying with my parents, i had to make short tips on work domestically. She always insisted that i bring something back from these trips. I used to take back chocolates for her. I used to buy two bars, one for her and one for everyone else at home. She would be furious if i gave the others the same type of chocolate. She kept insisting and fighting with me that i should treat her as a more special person that the others at home and that the others should not get the same kind of things that i give her. Since these arguments also would get out of hand, i would concede and get the others some other kind of chocolate.

    All these things have made me very irritable and im not quiet sure if this is something thats ok to let go and live as though nothing is wrong.

    Now my questions:
    a. Is it correct to force the husband to spend on everything even when the wife is working? She keeps telling me that what she earns is for herself and what i earn is for the both of us. I find this very discomforting, and am not really happy with this. But i continue to put up with it (god knows why).

    b. What do you'll think of the chocolate incident(s) i mentioned in the last paragraph? I personally feel this is totally wrong. I am what i am only coz of my parents, and really love my younger sister. There is nothing wrong in wanting the best for everyone.

    Please share your frank opinions and suggestions.

    Many thanks.
     
    2 people like this.
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  2. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Assuming you have given a fair overview, will state it succinctly:
    You have married a selfish b.tch! (Sorry if it sounds harsh).
    you decide now - if u want to put up with it and suck up the unhappiness, or give her an ultimatum to change or tell her u will consider alternatives like divorce if she refuses
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    I didn't know households with no children buy chocolates.
     
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  4. Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    she comes across as a little immature i think !!
     
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  5. jibberish135

    jibberish135 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you for your response.

    I have been entirely objective in my post. Stated it the way things are. Cut down other incidents as the post was getting too long.
     
  6. jibberish135

    jibberish135 Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes, this is something even her parents acknowledge. Looks like if i have to save the marriage, i have to do the upbringing and instill values.
     
  7. Radhai

    Radhai Platinum IL'ite

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    peculiar situation is yet to come?
     
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  8. Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    Just have a frank discussion with her! She shudnt feel that you are ganging up on her ! Start with something u like abt her and then progress into discussing what is not going well in ur marriage! Give her examples of marriages where both husband wife contribute! Preferably from her own family, like a cousin sister or someone! Hope it works out for u !
     
  9. jibberish135

    jibberish135 Bronze IL'ite

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    I felt my situation fits both 'Peculiar' and 'Worrysome'. Is my situation not peculiar?
     
  10. jibberish135

    jibberish135 Bronze IL'ite

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    Already done that. As a kid, apparently her mom had to pay for many things for a couple of years as her dad was in financial trouble. So she keeps saying that she does not want to end up like her mother, spending on the family. I dont quiet get this attitude. If in a family one member does not stand in for the other, its not a family anymore.

    We are in the process of seeing a Marriage Counseler. I hope some perspective is injected into our marriage.
     
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