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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sweety2016, Jul 20, 2022.

  1. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    I am currently 6 months pregnant with my second child. I have a very active 6-year-old at home. It's been a few days since I had been normal at home. Except for my daughter, I hardly talk with H and MIL. I had been suffering from a severe form of hyperemesis gravidarum for up to 5 months that I ended up losing around 5 kgs in my first trimester. Now, my appetite is returning back and I feel hungry most of the time. MIL takes care of my daughter.

    Is it fair to expect the MIL to make something for me when I return back from work in the evening? She heats milk and keeps it on the table but apart from that, she would not even ask me if I want something or if I am ok though she used to do all normal talks on kid's activities, etc.

    I hate to see her pampering her son. He WFH most of the time and she keeps attending to him by giving him water, and food at regular intervals without even being asked. I miss my parents so much. H tried to tell her to make something in the evening but she says she doesn't know what to do and that we have to tell her what we need which seems valid enough. But, I don't find it comfortable asking her.

    God himself seems so biased. Why should a girl be made to suffer so much to bring a life on earth? I got admitted thrice to the ER due to incessant vomiting. My parents visited me for a few days when MIL was at her daughter's place and left as they have had past issues and I am scared to have them both in the same house. Why can't we just live with both sets of parents in one large house? Perhaps, I don't have enough money to build such a house! On top of it, work, studies, and elder kids' homework, etc are taking a huge toll on me. I get no time or energy to pray, to talk or sing to the little one in my womb. I feel people around me are not empathetic enough. I feel sad, gloomy, irritated, and cry a lot nowadays. Is this something to do with pregnancy hormones? My first pregnancy was relatively easier
     
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  2. Tryinghard2013

    Tryinghard2013 Silver IL'ite

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    I am so sorry to hear that you are not feeling well. I feel empathetic toward what you are going through. Have seen and been in this situation where mil only cares for their own son and no one really bothers about you. I know how u must be feeling. It does make you feel depressed and lonely. And the feeling of not belonging to the family. Please keep yourself happy. Take care of yourself as it is hard to make others care abt u. Esp. With in-laws , they won’t care much about us but we need to take care about them. I don’t appreciate the cultural obligations we go through. I don’t have much advice but I totally feel what you are going through. Please take care of yourself and be strong for your little ones.
     
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  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Congrats on your second pregnancy ....take care of yourself.

    Sweety just tell your husband what you want to eat. He can say he wants to eat that.He can have what he likes for lunch and you can have something of your choice for dinner even if it is just one dish. That way you gets to eat what you want and there is no ego issues.

    Or you can keep someone to cook dinner and you can inform the cook what needs to be cooked for dinner. That way mil also gets some rest.You can convey this through husband that the cook will be trained by the time you have the baby as mil will have too much on her plate then.

    For short term...just order or pick up the dish you want on your way back from work. Just get a little more so that everyone can share.

    Taking care of a child and home are quite draining at her age . Think of it as this. You don't have to worry about your child, husband and home and can work at peace. Find a way how you can take advantage of what you have to make your life easier.

    Best wishes.
     
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  4. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you so much @Tryinghard2013 for your kind words as it means a lot to me. Many times I have even mentioned outright to my husband that I feel like a neglected child or an orphan. Though he listens, he doesn't have any solution for it as MIL is a single mother and completely dependent on him. I tried mirroring her actions like not caring whether she eats or not, ignoring her, etc but it also have a bad effect on me only. She seems completely fine and unperturbed. But, I am the person she relies on when she is sick, needs medical advice, or has to meet a doctor. I do feel guilty many a times when I expect some consideration and royal treatment from her. I wonder what must be going through that old, lonely, insecure mind of hers. How I wish she understands, that some special acts of kindness at regular intervals from her side would propel me to exhibit lifelong gratitude and care. She made a payasam for me (on my husband's insistence I think) on my birthday some days back and I could not hold back my tears looking at it. Sometimes, I feel why have I become so desperate...
     
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  5. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Gold IL'ite

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    @yellowmango thank you so much for your wishes.

    Yes, we do have a cook who prepares dinner but she comes late by around 7.00 PM. We also have a maid to take care of other household chores so that nobody is overworked.

    I go home by around 6.00 PM and if I get something healthy to eat that would be a great help to me to relieve my nausea and hunger pangs. I do purchase snacks, and bread but sometimes I just can't eat them. I crave for something different. But again that's over expectation from my side.

    But as you say, she takes very good care of my daughter which I should be thankful for. I appreciate her for not cribbing about it and happily taking up the responsibility when I needed her the most.
     
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  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Hey Sweety, forgive me if I am wrong....you seem to be an oversensitive person like me. It is not a derogatory term...it is a fact that some people are oversensitive and overthinkers.

    If you are...then it helps to accept that and make adjustments for the fact that we are a little different frm others.

    Oversensitive people tend to overthink and assume a lot ...sometimes without communicating .We tend to keep thinking about the past and reliving the hurt .We tend to get hurt and sometimes the other person does not even know. We expect the worst and when it does not come true...we feel guilty for assuming the worst.

    Try to communicate your need the way you feel comfortable and see if it is met .If you feel the urge to eat something....message husband and see if he can do something about it. Anyways...keep something healthy that you can eat at home till dinner is made.

    As for your mixed feeling for your mil ...try doing something about it. She was horrible to you in the begining of your married life. She has also helped you out a lot later on. Write down the bad stuff she did on one side and the good stuff on another side. Cancel out the bad against the good and see how much resentment is still left .burn the cancelled out stuff and don't think about it again .You both are women and in some ways you both need each other and make each other's life easier.
    Since you have to live with each other...try to cancel out some resentments with something you are thankful for. It will help you deal with her better. Easier said than done...i know,but worth giving a try.

    If this doesn't work...then just think of her as a person who is helping you raise your child.

    Try communicating to her what you feel like having anyway you feel comfortable .You may be surprised or may be not . You will never know if you don't .

    Again....forgive me if my assumption is wrong and I am just overthinking .:facepalm:
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2022
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  7. hrastro

    hrastro Finest Post Winner

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    Looking at the other side - I will share one of my friends' experiences - very similar - MIL was taking care of the DH, cooking, maids, elder son (5 yo) and pregnant DIL - she cooked for everyone else but not DIL - because she knows - whatever she cooks might not suit the DIL because DIL is craving for her mom's cooking style ...

    The DILs mom is not alive, the father used to visit regularly - the MIL would take care of his lunch too... but not for DIL (DIL was not working, so she would cook whatever she wanted whenever she wanted)

    Finally at 3rd trimester of pregnancy, the MIL called the DILs aunts and asked them to come and stay for a couple of months at their place and cook for the DIL so that she could take rest.... the MIL's instructions to the aunts was very clear - "I will take care of my son, their son, all cooking and maids and even the new baby when born - your job is to keep DIL happy, well fed and not miss her mom."

    This made the DIL and MIL much closer than before!

    OP, Consider the possibility that your cooking style is different from your MILs
    She has already said that if she knows what you want she will make it - so be open with her, discuss with your DH and make your pregnancy happy without all the angst
     
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Sweety - Congratulations on your pregnancy. Sorry about the HG but thankfully it’s resolved. Please talk to your Gynec also about being upset etc. Hormones do it but if it goes over the top then your dr should be aware of it.

    I have an observation for you. You go home famished after 6:00 pm. Your MIL spends her day fending for her son and grand child. I think your annoyance is misplaced. Instead of asking his mom who has spent all day doing various tasks in the house to make a meal for you, your husband needs to just make something. How long does it take to chop some fruits, serve you some lemon juice and ask you a question or two about your day? The only solution to your problem is your spouse pitching in to help. Your MIL is already doing her fair share. It’s unfair to expect more out of her. Focus on getting your husband to do it, rather than him making his mom do it.
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2022
  9. AliceMargaret

    AliceMargaret Senior IL'ite

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    My sister also went through a similar phase during her 2nd pregnancy. I remember she used to vent out to me. The 1 suggestion i gave her was order the food she likes from outside and eat what she craves during this phase.
    Mils in general don't have that empathy towards pregnant dils. There may be a few exceptional cases, but in general this is the case. Speak to your parents often or try and visit them if practical. Expecting to be pampered during pregnancy is normal and with what you have been through, please make yourself the number 1 priority. Take care.
    Kind regards,
    AM
     
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  10. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    have channa soaked overnight. ask your spouse to put in cooker for sometime during the day. after you come home. lemon. cucumber , onion , tomato and that. add some spices. that can help with some hunger pangs and good protein.

    if your spouse cannot even put a cooker and switch it off. have a discussion.

    boiled eggs .

    my input is completey different from mil. reason is , i feel is. right now you might want to change your focus on how you can solve this problem of helping yourself. fighting mil is a life long batter and talking ethics right now is not going to help you but actually harm you physically more .
     
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