A Tongue-in-cheek Assessment Of France

THE AMERICAN'S GUIDE TO FRANCE :

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated
in the continent Of Europe .
It is an important member of the world community, though
not nearly as important as it thinks.

It is bounded by Germany , Spain , Switzerland and some
smaller nations of no particular importance and with not
very good shopping.


France is a very old country with many treasures, such
as the Louvre and Euro Disney.

Among its contributions to western civilization are
champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern
nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next
to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food.


One continuing exasperation for American visitors is
that local people insist on speaking in French, though
many will speak English if shouted at.


THE PEOPLE


France has a population of 57 million people. 52 million
of these drink and smoke (the other 5 million are small
children).
All French people drive like lunatics, are dangerously
over sexed, and have no concept of standing patiently
in line.


Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel,
and they kiss each other when they meet.
American travelers are advised to travel in groups and
wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier
recognition.

SAFETY


In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers
must be aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany .
Traditionally, the French surrender immediately.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English
Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier
for the French government to flee to London during future
German invasions, and for them to offload all their illegal
immigrants.


HISTORY


Charlemagne discovered France in the Dark Ages.
Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the
Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de
Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an
airport.


CULTURE


The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not
easy to see why. All their music sounds the same and they have
never made a movie that you would want to watch for anything

CUISINE

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it,
a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back.
Croissants on the other hand, are excellent, although
it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this
word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to
cheeseburgers.


ECONOMY


France has a large and diversified economy, second only
to Germany 's in Europe , which is surprising because the
French hardly work at all.
If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch,
they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks
and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of
importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons,
perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade
launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft,
miscellaneous armaments and cheese.


PUBLIC HOLIDAYS


France has more holidays than any other nation in the
world. Among It's 341 national holidays are:
197 Saints' days,
37 National Liberation Days,
16 Declaration of Republic Days,
54 Return of Charles de Gaulle-in-triumph-as-if-he-won-
the-war-single-handed Days,
18 Napoleon-sent-into-Exile-Days,
17 Napoleon-Called-Back-from-Exile-Days,

and 2 "France is Great and the Rest of the World Stinks" days.
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