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A strange life

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by GirlyGirl, Sep 29, 2015.

  1. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    I think its just the way you perceive it..

    I felt I was reading my own childhood story when reading the original post...

    1) We are 4 siblings with very strong bond. If I look back and think the reason we are going strong is possibly because the involvement from parents were minimal. We figured many things together and helped each other.

    2) I went all alone when my board exam results were decalred. I scored a 99 out of 100 in maths and a distinction in all other subject. All my teachers who also lived in the neighbourhood were super happy and going ga ga over it (they knew me as a girl next door .. not only as a student) but my mother could not get what the "noise" was all about... I find this innocent and not negligence...

    3) I too borrowed the books mostly... spent time in public library rather than buying new ones. Even today I boast that the money I spend on my son's primary schooling is much much more than what my dad spent on my entire education. I got all my scholarships in terms of school fees etc and I wear this badge proudly. I am happy my parents did not spoil me with new books when there were no means.


    4) My parents did help relatives (in the face of their own poverty) in terms of getting jobs, living under our roof till they find theirs (we lived in a one room and one kitchen setting for 8 of us), reach out to friends/ relatives / neighbours for arranging marriage funds for one of the cousins / aunts. All this .. when we did not have "our own books" .. using clothes passed on by other relatives (and some time even acquaintences)

    But if I look back it has only taught me to be more "compassionate" towards others.. I am proud my parents did what they did. There are very less people in this world who can put someone else's "necessities" as a priority over our own "nice to haves" ...

    5) We were totally left alone when choosing a college, filling a form, choosing a career or anyting .... I cannot thank them enough for this. I am independent and can travel all over the places, connect with people with confidence because they left me alone.

    I can go on and on and on... but will stop here.

    Its just the perception Girlygirl...
     
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  2. paramlav

    paramlav Silver IL'ite

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    I understand dear why don't you speak directly or convey to your sis and say them to ask your parents . Usually it's common at tat time parents use to think only about are they providing shelter food ..not emotionaly attached . I think u can ignore and enjoy the present situation and enjoy these moments will not be back rather then feeling for past
     
  3. GirlyGirl

    GirlyGirl Senior IL'ite

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    Friends, I am stuck in a strange situation. Finally, I have applied for my parents' visa. I have done everything needed from side, they just have to board the train and goto the consulate. Me and my husband requested many parents many times (since last four year) to apply for passport, but they didn't listen. Now they are trying to do everything in hurry-burry, which is very hectic and tiring for them. In worst case if visa gets rejected, they don't even have time to reapply. I came to know from my sister and cousins that my parents are telling them that this process is becoming hectic for them and they don't have any option, Since it is their duty to help their daughter during pregnancy they have applied for passport at last moment. I knew that the visa process will tire them, that's the reason I always told them to be prepared. My mother thinks that I will put responsibility of all my household chores after delivery (They think in US we have to manage everything without maid). I am tired of convincing her that you don't have to do anything, you just come and stay with me. My parents' house is very close to my uncles and aunts' houses, all houses in a row. My uncles have lot of problems in their houses, in one house son has bad habits and in other house daughter-in-law is not good or someone's husband is not working etc. Every day we will get to see new dramas there. I have seen this from my childhood, this is nothing new for us. But my parents are telling them that they have so many tensions around, on-top this i am asking them to come and stay with me. I always thought that at-least one day, when their kids are need they think will come and help happily.
    I am feeling bad that because of me they are suffering, now I want to tell them if they are not interested, please don't come here. When I asked her, if she is not comfortable travelling now, she can postpone it, but she is saying that she will come, otherwise what others would think. I am confused and not sure how to tell her that it is not compulsory that you have to come here. My mother in law is ready to come here anytime, but she thinks that I won't feel comfortable with her, It is better to have my mother during pregnancy, after that she will join. How do I tell her that my parents are not interested and it has become a burden for them. They are doing this for the sake of society. I want my mother to call my mother-in-law and tell her that they can not join me because of some reasons. I am tired of telling lies to my mother-in-law and my DH husband about my parents. I want to clear everything. Help me friends...
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    GG,you are going to have a baby. You are bringing into this world a child, and you and your husband are the parents. To be the parents of a child - to watch a little human being and pause to wonder that it is a part of you - it changes you. It deepens the marriage bond. It is hard to describe properly in words.

    Point is that it is time you take your husband into confidence. Share this heartache with him. Trust that he and your in-laws will not use it to hurt you? If things are normal with you and your parents, then you take care to keep some things related to parents/siblings private from DH, in-laws. But, since this is killing you, and the lies are getting harder to maintain, think about sharing it with your husband.

    About the actual situation itself - best if MIL comes. Second best is no one. Since you have already done some work towards parents' visa etc., just leave it. Stop arranging everything and managing from here. Let the rest happen as it will. Let them figure out how to go, when to go. If they don't get visa, end of story. If they get visa, before buying tickets, think deeply do you really want your mother here? Post-partum is a memorable yet stressful time... why add avoidable stress to that?

    Dear, the agony over lack of care, concern or affection from parents can change your mind's setup. Please be gentle with yourself. Don't take so much stress trying to pretend to all that you have a 'normal' birth family.
     
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  5. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear GirlyGirl,

    First of all, congratulations on being nominated to FP of the month by@Iyerviji!
    She normally picks and chooses posts she wants to share with a wider readership and she has certainly thinks your post holds points worth reading and noting.

    Having said that, it is very difficult to think that parents do not care for their children. I too like many others here think that you have nice parents else you and your siblings could not have achieved all that you have. Of course you are the best judge of the situation at your end.

    As to intense binding with your mother and father, it certainly seemed like they were not at all demonstrative about love. Well, such hugging and caring does not come naturally to many people. Even between husband and wife, especially in countries like India, public demonstration of love is almost a nil thing, atleast it was so in the past. Then you do wonder if mother loved father and vice versa!!

    It is okay for you to express your regrets on this matter and get it out of your chest. Now, having done that, you should get along with living your own life and caring and nurturing the baby that is growing within you and shower all your attention and love on that baby and nurture it to your best. Make up for all that your parents didn't do with you, knowingly or unknowingly. Spare the regrets and spread love. Nothing is as healing as letting things go. What use is it to dwell in the past and hope to change things at this late stage? They are what they are. Accept them and move on!

    As to wanting them to be with you at the time of the birth, do not force it on them for in the end, at the happy time of having a newborn, you might be ridden with tensions at home if they are not happy in a foreign locale. Much better you manage by yourself and enjoy the baby with your husband. If any consolation, I had both my babies and did not have any help at all from parents or in-laws. But the memories of bringing up my little ones are forever precious to me and tender moments to remember.

    L, Kamla




     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2015
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  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP

    Sorry, I missed your thread somehow.

    I think you have way too much expectations from your parents. Your expectations and standards of a good parent may be derived from a very fortunate friend of yours. But it seems you badly lack certain knowledge about the reality.

    What is your exact problem dear?

    You are pregnant. You have a nice husband and nice in laws. You live in the first world where all the facilities about child birth is at your door step.
    You have a decent relationship with your family of origin, at least to talk to them over the phone.
    I am sure you have some friends.

    What else do you want? Why worry over something that is not available? Instead why can't you focus on your blessings?

    It is very clear that your parents' don't want to visit you at this time. They are giving reasons to avoid this trip.
    Your repeated attempts to get them in makes them tensed. They feel as if they are compelled.
    More so, they worry about the society. That too because of you.

    OP, parents doesn't hold any responsibilities towards their children's child birth? If they are willing to help, you are fortunate. If not, see other alternatives.

    Such a mindset will help you in a long run.
     
  7. docathome

    docathome Gold IL'ite

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    @girlygirl
    Reading ur post struck a chord cos I have also felt at times neglected by my parents..this is even though v were in a nuclear setup n my dad micromonitored our education..Despite all that they did I couldn't forget being forced into medicine and being coerced into doing whatever my dad wanted.. It'll felt my mom shoulve stopped my dad from forcing us to do what he wanted even though we didn't want it..n I did talk to my parents bout it too.. But my mom said in that situation if she had opposed each decision they would've separated n my dad feels he is perfectly justified in forcing me n my sister into the medical field cos he felt it was the best thing he could do for us.. We both don't feel the same way but Iv realised he had our best at mind.. Just that it is not what I feel is the best for my children.. I guess it could be the generation gap..
    We belong to a generation where we don't want to force our will n desire on our kids.. My dad always felt if he had had someone to guide him in the right direction at the right time he would've been in a much better position cos his dad passed away at an early age.. So he did that with us n we dint like it..
    You also seem to understand that though they may have been less than perfect, they did love you.. So I feel its best to let go of the past.. If you are comfortable to discuss it without getting upset or upsetting them, It would help you to clear things with your parents.. My parents are also not too interested in helping with babies n for mine they were around for bout a week each time.. Though I used to envy ppl who had their moms for extended periods I dint have that.. But I'm a lot more confident with babies and am basically very independent cos of the way I was brought up.
    Ur parents did what they could in their situation and though it may not have been the absolute best, I don't think they meant anythin bad.. So let it go.. Once you have ur own babies ul realise that you can do only so much, rest of it has to be left out, esp if ur working. So there is no point in beating urself up for not giving ur kids the absolute best,. After twenty years if my kids ask me why I was not completely emotionally involved with them I don't kno wat answer I'll give them.. Im doing the best I can do in my circumstance n I think that's what you parents did too.. Though ur definition of it is different..
     
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  8. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear GG,

    I agree with everything Gowri and SGBV said in their responses to you. You are a grown up woman expecting a baby in the next few weeks. You have to be very calm and tranquil without any emotional drama at this point in life. Everything you think and do is going to affect your child in someway. What is the point in sweating over a small stuff about how you were raised when you were a child? Is there a definite method of raising children that every parent could adapt? Each parent and each child is so different from each other.

    With so much responsibilities on their shoulders, your parents did the best they could. With so many people at home to care, your parents expected all of you to handle things on your own after you grew up. What is wrong with that thinking? Seriously, I don't understand why you should have emotional breakdowns at 2 a.m. in the morning. What you described in your post doesn't justify something like this. You seem to have a preconceived notion about how a child should be raised. If you like to implement it, please do it with your own child instead of looking back what your parents should have done.

    You are well educated, happily married, blessed with wonderful in-laws when most women are not. Think about the children who don't even have parents and have to be raised either by adopted parents or in foster care. Be grateful for what you were graced with in your childhood than regretting your past. Don't benchmark your childhood with that of your friends and instead use that as a benchmark to raise your own child.

    Most importantly, keep your spirits high for the baby. If your parents make it to the US, please treat them with love and compassion instead of telling them everything you missed. Love begets love. Have a serious conversation with your parents about how much you love them and you will find some definite answers. You should never have a conflict in your mind that your parents have not done their parenting right yet expect them to be with you in times of need. You have to resolve it yourself internally and get to a healthy mindset.

    Let God bless you with a wonderful child.

    Viswa
     
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  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Hugs to you op.
    Don't feel guilty venting about what you feel.

    Yes ,times were different and people behaved differently. But four daughters feeling lack of affection or lack of priority is not something that can be passed of as 'that is how things happened then'.

    If people can be praised for taking care of extended family and their needs ,why can't they be held accountable for not putting the children they brought into this world,first.
    If people have so many responsibilities in life....they have the option of not adding to the responsibility.

    I am sure your parents did what they thought was enough ....but if you feel a lack of affection....then you have a right to feel so because you know best .
    Cheers and a big hug to you .Hope venting out made you feel lighter.

    You are pregnant and this is the most wonderful time of your life,please don't waste it thinking what wasn't but plan on what could be.Plan your lovely motherhood with your babies.

    If your parents don't want to come....tell your husband you think your parents are going through anxiety about traveling and both of you can jointly invite mil. If that is not possible,then plan to take care yourself.

    Delivery and post partum is stressful.Don't have unwilling people around.One wrong word from either side can spoil relations for ever.

    Cheers and enjoy your pregnancy. You have a good husband,and good in laws......and a wonderful baby in your belly. You have it all now girl.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    P.S....Agree with @minion that we tend to judge our own family,specially parents more leniently than our non blood relatives post marriage. A father putting extended family first is a good man of his time but a husband doing the same is not fair.
     
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  10. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @Gauri03,

    Even if I believe that there is some sort of undercover action going on between you and Oriana, a suspicion of covert partnership about nominations and all, I more than willingly throw a blind eye to it as lovely inputs such as these should not be missed and be read by one and all! :) Jokes aside, a lovely nomination by Oriana, Congratulations to you!

    It is difficult to envision what all can happen in the world. Most of us luckily have lived and are living blessed lives. Our OP here does raise our sympathies. All the same, like you say, the parents too must have had their own handicaps.

    However, as it was in the past and OP's present seems pleasant, it will do good for one and all if she paid more attention to her present life and enjoy the happy moments a baby brings into life and let her parents be.

    Your advise was sound and nice that you spend your precious time to add some comfort to others. A kind word goes a long way.

    L, Kamla


     
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