A solution for my brothers life - wife behaves very indifferent

padmavathy · Jan 10, 2007

Dear all.,

I wud like to share an suitation from my cousin bros life and like to know ur views..,

My cousin brother is a very jovial and a fun loving person.,he can makes his surrounding very happy with all his jokes and humour., he got a good job In US., so his parents decided to get a good girl for him.,After all searches., they found a girl from trichy,and my aunt lives in chennai.,

She(bride) was a gold medalist from college., was working in a good company,closed knit family and has a younger sister., all were very satisfied and decided to fix the girl., since my cousin was in US he cudn come to engagement and all theIR talking was thro phone., and it was the same case with my aunts family since trichy was far..,marriage was done the very next month.,
U can ask me where the problem is..,but the real story starts now..,

After the marriage the girl dnt speak very well with the inlaws., she was very quiet and dnt even come out of her room., everyone thought that she might be missing her family..,and then the couple went to US.,
The girl had a very huge mood swings., She gets depressed very often and for everything..,from the day one of thier marriage my brother found that she was not very normal with people., she used to have a world of her own.., my brother tried to cheer her up by all means., but after few hours., she become very dull and unhappy..,
If they have a fight., she used to shout like a hysteria patient and utter very bad words or she wont speak to him for weeks..,and my brother has to convince her badly.,if she is in a bad mood she wnt even responds to the guests who come to the house., so my brother stopped inviting people too..,and moreover thier love life was very bad.

My brother was too tired of this behaviour after 6 months or so., so he decided to send her back to India and told the things to her parents..., but the day before the flight., she took 15 sleeping tablets and tried to commit suicide.,,but luckily he saved her..,

My brother got very frightened by this incident.., so he took her to the Pshycatist and they diagonised Border Personality Syndrome., something like Multiple personality in Chandramuki..,She took a treatmnet for that and stopped it after 3 months or so..,
Then my cousin brother has a sister., so his sister marriage got fixed., so he waited for his sister marriage to get over., my bros wife dnt even behave very well in the marriage..,My cousins parents talked with thier sampanthis(girls parents)due to thier request and pleads they decided to give her a second chance as she too pleaded she will behave well., so they went to US., but after reaching here., the same story repeats., not much change in her behaviour., If my bro asks for Divorce she says she cannot give divorce and cant live without him and if he comple him she will again try for suicide..,

Now its almost 2 and 1/2 years have gone in this marriage., my brother is in a dilemma of what to do., he says he cant live with her life long.,his social life is worsened for her abnormal behaviour.,
He is planning for Divorse.,but his wife is not agreeing with this.,
Since he is basically a soft hearted and a loving person.,he is unable to take bold decision,
We tried telling him to take a firm decision ,Iam sure no other man will put up with this nonsense for 2 years or so., I have been to thier house and seen things with my eyes. She has no good relations with her Inlwas, sister in law and members from her husband side.,

I wud like to know ur comments and advise on this issue., I hope it wud be helpful for my brothers life.

Thankyou for ur patience in reading this.,
Padma

Kamla · Jan 10, 2007

Dear Padma..

I am so very sorry to read about your cousin brother. That to say he has a problem is an understatement.
This is very serious. Many lives and their happiness are involved in this. Besides, it is too late in the day for any outsiders to solve this serious problem which has gone very far.
Your cousin brother's wife needs immediate medical treatment. The young couple need the support of their respective family members. It is not something that can be solved by you requesting for advise and help on a public forum like ours. Advise him accordingly and they should immediately make a trip back home and put an end to this continuing disturbing saga that their lives has turned into before something untoward happens. Your cousin is still young and can build his career even if he puts his job in jeopardy at this time. But if he does not take rectifying action now, he might not even have a life (so to say) to lead.
Best wishes.

L, Kamla

aishu22 · Jan 10, 2007

Hi Padma,
I'm so sorry to hear about ur cousins state and felt more agonised about his wife's problem.I'm not an edlerly person my age or by experience, but giving you a small suggestion on humanitarian grounds.

Also i have seen a real life example:
My cousin sister had the same issue after her first baby died during delivery.It was a baby girl weighing 3.2 kgs.But due to some problem, the doctor was unable to save the ababy's life.She went into depression. she will not even know if it was day/night.she will lokk out of the window and sit for hours together in the rest room.Suddenly she will shout hastily and say that shes feeding the baby and none shud disturb her.
But her hubby took a good medical help from one of the best hospitals in mumbai and also showered with all his love, affection and care.Never he thought about divorcing her even though his parents insisted on it.
With god's grae and medical help my cousin recovered from the depression.Now they have a girl named vedika aged 6 years.My cousin sis and her hubby are happiest couple on earth.

What im trying to onvey to you is that:

1.Please do ask ur cousin bro to attempt for a divorce.
2.Its goin to worsern her situation because she is unwilling for it.
3.Please ask him to fly back to India and take the best medical help.Depression is a unfull-filled desire.It can be cured.

My Prayers and wishes for a speedy recovery of your cousin's wife.

Best Regards,
Aishu.

meenakrishnan · Jan 11, 2007

divorce, last solution

Dear Padmavathy,
If you are seriously searching for a solution to make the marriage work, you can make friends with her(may be a tough task, I feel after reading your lr.) encourage your brother's wife to make friends here in Indus Ladies. This group is to help ladies make friends and have a good time. There are many experienced ppl to find what exactly is troubling her. We don't know her side ,no? Usually Psychiatrists hear both the sides and offer help. May be one is an extrovert and the other introvert. I pray that you find a solution without divorce. As we know, not only the two, many are involved in our marriages.Both sides parents, relatives, unmarried sis/bro, children if any etc....
In the olden days, two ppl married out of love( even gods, Rama, Krishna, Muruga, etc.).Afterwards it became commercial- family background, education, job, Jaathaka porutham(horoscope matching). Love came last.Marriage without mutual love and understanding is hell. As your brother is a jovial person, I think chances are there to bring her to normalcy .With professional help and family members' co-operation, you can change her. All the best!
Meena

leelal · Jan 11, 2007

Hi Padmavathy,

Its really sad to know your cousin brother's life.

The problem faced by your cousin brother and family is very serious unless proper solution is worked out. We have a personal friend who's life has been made miserable and void by similar incident in the recent past. Few years of marriage life has costed his life and reputation. Anywhere when there is any fault on girl's life, the first victim is the husband (on dowry harass basis )whatever be the truth.

Am extremely sorry to warn you with this. Pls tell him to focus on his personal life first...

We have few suggestions to offer for your cousin.

1. When a lady has attempted suicide few times for no reasons except for mood swings, there is a very high chance that this can be repeated. The mood swings could happen because the girl is brought up in a close knit family in south india and now spending lot of idle time in a foreign land without much friends and relatives. That fear and loneliness would trigger such syndrome.

Hence its better your cousin brother plans to relocate to india for next 6 months or so to sort out this personal issue.

2. Take proper medical attention to his wife and also bestowing his and family's maximum care would also help.

3. In India, your cousin brother will have support of his family to help in this personal issue. As his wife's family is also ready to help and support, this may be a welcome change for his wife. Slowly plan her for a more attached relationship of motherhood.

Please suggest him to focus on this personal problem to be solved amicably or divorce as last option so that he can spent the rest of his life better.

With warm wishes and Prayers for your cousin's family!!

meenaprakash · Jan 11, 2007

really sad.........

sorry, got posted twice.

meenaprakash · Jan 11, 2007

really sad.........

Dear Padma,

Divorce is the easiest solution anyone could opt for. Before that, pls think for a second. she's another woman who is in need of help, professional help. From what you write, your Cousin does come out to be a good guy but like everyone else, he too has failed to understand his wife. there may be something that's bothering this bride, something that's driving her to extreme mood swings; something that's making her soooo very scared of life that she's shattered completely. She needs professional handling immediately.

One of my friend's family had the same problem with a new bride - later they came to know that the girl just couldn't relate to the huge relatives of the boy's side - something she wasn't used to. she was worried people are snatching away her hubby all the time & she started throwing tantrums just to own him, she just couldn't understand why her hubby is so attached to his huge family crowd, etc. etc. etc. slowly with the help of the boy's sis, she came out of her make believe world & today, she's learnt to enjoy the family crowd & is suppose to be a wonderful go-getter.

there maybe something that's bothering this girl & all she needs is some support & understanding & not condemn & cut off from relationship.

I only pray things fall in place & she enjoys her life with your cousin - definitely doesn't sound that easy but with a little help & love, you could get her out of the problems. Just give a last try before you all give up - it's another girl's life that we are talking about.

Love & regards,