A Serious Warning Bell This Time - The Monster of Jealousy!

Dear Sridhar,
An excellent write-up on the green-eyed monster I must say. I enjoyed reading all the replies.....but am wondering what category does sibling jealousy fall into? lets take an example of 2 very young siblings. It is very much natural for those kids to develop some jealousy. Like when one parent hugs one of the siblings, the other might throw a tantrum or even come and hit the sibling or the parent who is hugging the child...the list is endless. The child might even try to harm the younger sibling physically when parents are not around. During the initial phases of the jealousy in those children's lives, the parents pitch in and make them understand that they are all one family. Then as the children grow, the jealousy will usually go away. Why does this not happen between friends and other relatives, when the jealousy starts to creep when we are much older and capable of handling situations?
I too, like others here, have started to believe strongly in the "kan-drishti" theory.....especially after having my baby. Recently, we had gone out with our close friends with our daughter. That couple do not have any children and they are married for almost 12yrs now. Its natural for any woman longing for a child to envy another one, much younger than her, having a baby. I completely understand her feelings, infact I even whole-heartedly pray to god that she be blessed with a child. But that evening, she made a comment on my daughter about how she drank the whole glass of milk in one gulp. At that time, I just ignored that comment casually..didn't even take it into mind. Later that night, my daughter started vomiting all over the bed in her sleep. And it did not stop, she went on vomitting the whole night...every half hr or so till around 5:30 in the morning. Next day morning I called my mom in India and you know the first thing she told me was to do the Dhristi Suthi podu ritual, and I religiously followed her and the vomitting stopped. I know its wrong on my part to think about such things about my close friend, she has been with me in tough times too and is a very good person...but after going thru the effects on that day, I could not stop thinking like that.
Maybe envy might lead to jealousy and in turn that jealousy might harm the other person in some form or the other.
Regards,
Sihi

 

Dear Sridhar,

Finally got the time to go through your post in detail. Yes i do have occasional pangs of envy too. But then i introspect and correct myself soon enough. My thinking is that what starts of as envy, if left un addressed, will fester and become worse and end up as jealousy. ( noone can become jealous of someone right at the start, it always starts as envy!).
I totally believe in kan Drishti. It is somewhat like Voodoo.
I know some asked you about the prescription/cure for this disease. There is none.Just that the effect of this on others varies with the degree to which one is jealous. Our own classic Mahabharatam is a great example for what jealousy can do. So also , Shakespeare's tragedies.

I do miss reading your individual replies to everyone.

Vandhana

 

Thank you, Sridhar!

Dear Sridhar,

Thank you very much for the quick reply! Though my problem cannot have any immediate solution, your words of wisdom have encouraged me to face it with a broader mind. I am sure that henceforth I will not get upset or feel sad due to my mil’s outbursts. I will treat it as some kind of defect/imperfection and try to ignore it. Your idea of ‘growing out of a relationship’ appeals to me. However, it is very difficult to love and understand people who are jealous of us. Your narration of a mil — who made her son do the household work— has somewhat relieved me, because earlier I used to think that perhaps ours is the only family where the mother is jealous of her son.

Sridhar, I am an ordinary working-woman with less amount of patience and understanding. Being an IT professional, I always think rationally and try to look for logical reasoning in any circumstance. But I cannot find an explanation for my MIL’s weird behaviour. I think I can never be like your friend who still lives with her old mil who used to ill-treat her. She managed everything with love, understanding and a lot of sacrifice. Very few people have such great inner strength to cope up with hard times. Moving abroad is an easier solution (kind of escapism) for an ordinary person like me, so that I will rarely have to interact with my mil. However, there can be no long term solution, other than what you have discussed. Thank you very much for your reply. I never miss your articles on IL. Though I have been a silent reader till now, after reading your article on jealousy, I could not control myself and openly conveyed my feelings to you.
Thank you very much!

Regards,
Aasa

 

Dear Varalotti Sir,
(oops ! sorry about that "Sir", but I just cant get rid of The Head Master Image that flashes in my mind whenever I read your posts !)Will start afresh.
Dear Varalotti,
Kindly bear with this habitual latecomer.
I have been reading all the posts in this session with great interest and trying to analyse the different thought processes that are evoked by a common subject.

There seems to be a consensus that Jealousy and Envy are synonymous, with perhaps just a shade of difference ( light green-dark green as in your post) In everyday speech we are quite justified in using the two words interchangeably. But western philosophy makes an interesting distinction between the two and I want to share my understanding of it.
"Jealousy" involves three components - A. The Subject ( the one who feels jealous), B. The Rival ( self explanatory) and C. The Desideratum ( that which invokes that feeling. It can be a material thing like a car or a relationship, like a girlfriend) A's emotional focus is on C, not on the Rival B. This fixation can stem from insecurity, low self-esteem or inability to acquire. In this state of emotion, A would not be bothered if B were to acquire anything other than that particular C. B can elope with X or Y or both and he wouldnt care a fig !But B getting C creates an atomic fission inside A. This condition of negativity is, officially, Jealousy.
" Envy " has only two components. The Subject and The Rival. A's emotional focus is on B. He would be equally bothered if B acquired C or X or Y or anything. Interestingly, in such a state, A would not bother if anyone other than B acquired this, that or the other. Thus, we may not envy Bill Gates or Narayanamurthy, but most certainly will go green eyed if Mr.Neighbour wins Rs.500 in a TV Quiz Show !
Jealousy is coveting what someone else has. Envy is not wanting the other person to have what one does not or cannot have.

Alright, enough of semantics. So whats the prescription for a cure , as most here have already wondered ? Buddhist teachings, which call Jealousy a"prajna Dosha"(Aberration of Consciousness)" prescribe total cleansing of the basic fallacy of the I- and -You Concept. Impossible for mere mortals like us !

But we can give this Pop-Psychiatry of New Age Gurus a try :
1. Write down your emotion. Honestly, frankly, brutally raw. No holds barred. No niceties. Go on and be wicked. Like Kushwanth Singh's byline, "with malice towards one and all !"
2. Read it four or five times. By the fifth time, you will find that the pungency within you is starting to wear out.
3. Leave that place, do something else, but keep the paper safe.
4. After a day or two, read it again. ( if you are mortified , all the better)
5. Tear it up into tiny pieces and discard.

( I have tried it. Works in mild case of the infection. Only !):mrgreen:

Thanks for "listening".

Manjula

 

Dear Varlotti
Thanks for that lightning fast reply.
Your appreciative words made my day ! I never expected a writer of repute to be so encouraging towards kaththu-kuttis !
Thank you so very much.

Manjula