A Serious Warning Bell This Time - The Monster of Jealousy!

Response in a Discussion Mode!

Dear Friends,

I have already been accused of being preachy, being long and being generally unreadable. I have been replying to each of your responses individually before moving on to the next thread. But some ILites feel I write my responses in such a way that I always have the last word on the issue. And nobody is in a mood to continue the discussion any further.

So from this time onwards I am giving my responses in a discussion mode. I will just say what I think in response to your queries, some of which are quite profound.

Tell me whether you like this mode of response.

First my thanks to Jothi and Vidhi for reading the post (looks like that requires a lot of patience as I see from another post here; and may be I should start a thread on patience?) patiently and for your nice words.

Thanks Safa for bringing to us the words of the Prophet.

Now for the discussion I am moving over to the next post lest somebody should complain I write looooooooooooooooooooong posts.
sridhar

 

Vidya, Kamla and Varloo - Please Joine Me!

(It is in discussion mode; so please excuse jumbling of names and arguments)

Vidya, thanks for finding our the error in numbering the supplementary post. Have corrected the error.

Kamla, you made me think quite a lot. Suppose somebody gets something and you feel it is unfair. I am not sure the feeling you have is jealousy. It is the inherent justice in your mind expressing its displeasure. I remember a college-day example. Once the Accountancy Paper (accounts again, excuse me) was very easy. The first mark was 90% shared by some 15 persons in the class. One bright student objected to the standard of the paper. He told the Professor the question paper should not have been so easy. He even suggested a ground rule that 10% of the questions should be so difficult that only the brightest students should be able to solve it. An easy paper like this has abolished the distinction between the brilliant students and the dull ones. We first thought he was jealous as many boys had scored high marks. But then I understood his call for fairness to all. I am sure your feeling is like that.

Let me move over to the next post to make this post short.

 

Vidya, Kamla and Varloo - Please Joine Me! Part 2

Varloo, envy in a good sense... you again made me think. I find it difficult to digest this proposition. I tried hard, believe me. I think what you mean is admiration. That is somebody something very well. And you think, "how nicely has it been done. I would not be able to do this good." Well, that is admiration. But admiration is pure white. And from admiration to envy to jealousy it is a straight road, without any twist or turn. We should be careful with our admiration also. Another difference is that admiration propels us to acquire those skills; whereas envy or jealousy makes us to sabotage others skills or harm them.

To Vidya, again. that was another brilliant point . Self-pity slowly turning into jealousy! Quite possible! And that it is a new dimension. That certainly is something I never expected! You have cautioned others that what may start innocuously like sefl pity might become envy/jealousy! With this observation I need to combine Kamlas unfair observation also. Because between Kamlas experience and your friends experience there is only a slight difference. Kamla says she has the feeling when somebody gets an advantage unfairly; Vidya's friend says that she gets the feeling when she is denied something, which she ought to have got in all fairness. So it is the same feeling, and both of you have gone really deep.
Over to the next post!

 

Vidya, Kamla and Varloo - Please Joine Me! Part 3

I am not sure whether what you people describe is jealousy proper. But that sure is an uncomfortable feeling. And the root cause of that feeling is a sense of entitlement. We always feel that we are entitled to something in life. We have a perception of ourselves, our skills, our qualities, our abilities and we want something in life that is commensurate with them. But that never really happens. Because Life is not fair in the sense we understand life or the concept of fairness.

When we see someone inferior to us climbing up the corporate ladder faster than us, we have this feeling. But we do not know two things - the real worth, the real abilities of that person whom we think is inferior to us. And the real weakness in ourselves, which blocks our superiority.

Life, our difficulties, the diseases we get, the partners we have, our bosses, our maids, our colleagues, friends relatives - all these things are subject to some superior, complex karmic law. To attempt to compress them into our cause-effect rationale is not a wise thing. And these attempts provoke such feelings.
In fine, it is only a sense of entitlement that causes frustration.
I think I have already quoted this example. But let me repeat. This is especially for Kamla, who gets the feeling seeing the "unfairness."
It was in 1983. I was coaching 3 students for ACS exams. They were all clerical staff in the company I worked. (I was a trainee at that time) One of them was especially dull. He will always be smiling. Will never understand or even try to understand what is being taught. The other two were okay. Of the other two one cleared ACS and got a promotion. Another person did not clear the exams but got some raise or another. This dull person continued to be a clerk. Suddenly a foreign collaboration venture came. The American saw all the people and somehow took a fancy for this dullard. This man shot to fame immediately. Promoted as an officer, had a chaffeur-driven car and was travelling in the AC compartment (a luxury those days). I was his co-passenger once and he told all the story.
By a straight calculation life is unfair. But on an overall basis, there is a method in this madness.
have I done justice to your profound questions?
sridhar

 

Vidya A thought on your uncle!

I dont think what your uncle had in relation to his pampered son, is jealousy/envy. Even relating the incident to others (with due respects to your uncle) is an expression of pride. People who have come up in their life the hard way usually say things like that more to tell others that they have come up in life.

Rockfeller had to go in a cab once. As he got down he gave a very small tip. The driver protested, "Your daughter tips me ten times more than that."
"Quite possible" quipped Rockfeller, "you see she is a billionaire's daughter; but I am the son of a poor farmer."
sridhar

 

You made me heavy, Aasa!

Dear Aasa,
I read your post a couple of times. Let me confess at the outset that I am not that competent to dole out solutions that will work out for you. The best I can do is to deepen your understanding of human nature a little bit, and who knows with that increased understanding if you look at your problem, the solution will appear to you. And IL has many great, wonderful ladies who might be of help to you.
A mother, a daughter, a father, a grandmother, for that matter every such relative is ultimately a human being. Aasa we are used to the super-human glorification of women especially while playing the role of mothers, in the popular media. Mother sentiment is the most powerful sentiment in the movie world today. And they to a great extent affect our thinking.
Though I cannot pass any judgment on your case without listening to the other side, I will help you to understand your mil. By the very nature of relationship a mil is jealous of her dil. Normally a mil would have suffered as a dil in those days. When she sees someone who has everything on the platter, her mind may be disturbed. And if the mil does not have sufficient exposure to the outside world, this feeling will be very intense. Jealousy towards her dil might at times manifest as hatred towards her own son. I know a woman, who when she wanted to punish her dil, made her son do all the house work. The dil was devastated on seeing that.

Between a mil and a fil, a fil is normally better (though some ILites have suffered from their fils too) because a fil is exposed to the outside world.

Now that your husband has an abroad posting and you are going to go along with him taking your child with you, there is no need to worry about your mil. Ignore her outbursts. Dont react. But be gentle and firm.

Many Dils have the habit of complaining about their mil to their husband. Yes, it cannot be helped. But you should not make it a practice. And if you complain about 40 things she did, then all of them will get diluted. So just tell the major complaints that too once in a way. Because you should also keep your husband informed.

While you can decide to gift anything to your bils family, dont feel obliged to do so. If you dont like it dont do it.

Aasa a final word of advice. All of us are caught in some type of human relationship or another. We feel that we are chained in a relationship and attempt to break that and get ourselves free. One thing I have learnt the hard way is that you can never go out of any relationship. Ultimately you have to grow out of an relationship. And to grow the first thing that is required is love.

I will tell you the story of my very dear friend. In her early days of marriage she suffered so much from her mil that she used to cry on days for end. Once her brother who came to visit her seeing the treatment meted out to his sister wept openly. At one point of time the mils ill-treatment was even life-threatening for her child.

But she managed everything with an extra dose of love and a super-extra dose of understanding. Today the mil is very old and is living only with this dil. She has ultimately grown out of this relationship. Her sacrfiice and growth is no less than that of a yogi doing penance in the forest. May she live long!

This is the only long term strategy that will work, Aasa.
I am sure all the 3000 plus ILites will join me in praying for a good solution to your problems. You also pray. God is sure to help you. Best of luck,
sridhar