A sensitive issue

ansh12 · Mar 1, 2008

HI ILites

I have been thinking of raising this issue since long time, but was always in a dilemma that how would it be preceived? That's why I posted the article from times of India "Why do we need relationships?". The need of a companion for those who have divorced or widowed is inevitable and there is nothing wrong in getting re-married, provided certaiin things have been pondered thoroughly. here are the few things which I feel should be re-considered before going in for re-marriage.

If you are divorcee

- let the scar from the previous bad relationship heal and then find a companion. This will allow you take decision from your head rather than from your heart.
-If you have a kid, then the situation becomes a bit tricky. First of all if you a have a girl child, then you have to see to it that the person whom you would be marrying is reliable and you can trust your child with him. Secondly, your child is ready to accept a new member in the family. This is more of a problem when the child is in teens and understand that the person is not his real parent.Its advisable to remarry when either the kid is too young or is grown up.
_ If you have a son, again , you have to ensure that child will accept the other person as a parent. As, it has been seen that boys tend to be aggressive with age and are not able to accept step fathers too readily and since they are not expressive as girls so at times run astray.
-Financial aspects should be talked out clearly before re-marriage, so that afterwards its not the case of "from frying pan into the fire".

If you are a widow

-The aspect regarding the kids remain the same, but the most important point is if you can't come out of the memories of your husband , don't re-marry under pressure from parents or from peers or for the sake of children. Its unfair to you, to the person whom you are marrying as well as for your kids.

I have written thes points from my own thoughts and would like to hear many more from you.

Please do reply

Best wishes
Ansh

ShardaSuresh · Mar 11, 2009

Hi Ansh,

I was reading all your previous posts and found this interesting. Though I am married with kids, I felt that the topic does not require personal experience to respond so I am replying.

There are a lot of decent people in this world and that includes single men. Woman(even men) who chose to move on in life after a death or divorce should look for a companion for themselves. They should not seek a parent for their child.

A single parent has to meet the financial and emotional requirements of their kids. So a re-marriage has to always be from the point of view of finding a companion. In the process if the person proves to be a good parent, then that is a bonus. But for a single person, the purpose of re-marriage should be companionship.

I agree that, since the kids are going to be living with the new spouse, it is mandatory that they also get along and respect each other.

ansh12 · Mar 14, 2009

Thanks a bunch Shardasuresh for digging out an old post of mine and replying to it.

I am thankful to Malathy for allowing me to start this forum. When I request her to start a forum on "life without spouse", I had all the issue which a single woman would face, so I put few posts concerning all women without spouse. I wanted the posts to be general in nature not personal, so that it could be applicable to all. But unfortunately as the forum progressed these issues raised earlier got buried and the posts became much more personal.

I am happy that you though it befitting to reply to this post.This post was also written with the point of view that the married counterparts especially ladies should not look down upon a women if she wants to remarry. As unfortunately, In North I have seen it is the married women folk who look down upon the divorcee or a widow, if hse dresses up well. Though the things are changing, still I have come across many married women who will not miss an opportunity to belittle a divorced woman by telling her how sacrificing, adjusting they are and how she should have saved her married life without having an iota of knowledge what that lady might have gone through.

Thanks again

Best wishes
Ansh

ansh12 · Mar 15, 2009

Very true bangalorean. But don't you think, if love is there then divorce will not happen. Divorce happen when respect and love in relation ceases to exist and if you go through the post of mnay other ladies you will find that they tried their best to save their marriage but had to move out as they were not given respect due to a human being

Thanks for your inputs

Ansh

ansh12 · Mar 15, 2009

I respect your sentiments but I would agree to disagree,as your remarks are bit hurting. It seems as if all the divorced ladies in this forum did not make any efforts to save their marriage. Only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches.

At times its easy to judge but difficult to understand the situation a person has to face.

Anyway, this was not the essence of the issue. The issue was if someone loses spouse becuase of death or divorce and plans to remarry what things should be kept in mind.

Thanks for your inputs and lets agree to disagree on rest of the things

Best wishes
Ansh

ansh12 · Mar 15, 2009

Thanks for your advice, but when did you see me complaining. did I say anything about myself in this issue. You have misinterpreted the post.

Your advice however is well taken

Thanks

ShardaSuresh · Mar 16, 2009

I think there is something missing here. I am guessing that the moderator has deleted the Banglorian's post.

Times are changing. The society has accepted that a single woman with a child can get married again and continue to be a good mother.

Regarding the woman who talk about the sacrifices they are making to stay married. Maybe they are jealous and secretly wished, they could end their misery and become single. So ignore their comments and live life to the fullest.

I don't know how serious you are about finding a mate, in case you are, I wish you luck and hope that the second time around you will find a man who deserves you.

ansh12 · Mar 16, 2009

Dear ShardaSuresh

It is a general post based on the plight of the single parents who want to remarry. It has got nothing to do with me,as I am not interested in finding a companion.But, when my parents pressurised me to remarry certainly these things did come to to my mind.

Thanks for your inputs

Best wishes
Ansh

Sabitha_K · Mar 18, 2009

Dear Ansh,

Let me first commend you for requesting Malathy for this sub-forum.I think the intention behind it is very noble and you are doing a great job by inspiring, encouraging and helping others in the same boat.

Looks like this thread has been moderated ,and so I do not know the direction it is heading now but I want to provide my inputs on your original post.I endorse every point you have listed in your post, and the outstanding among them is definitely the point where you mentioned that no one should remarry under parent or peer pressure.

But, when my parents pressurised me to remarry certainly these things did come to to my mind.
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I have also seen that in our society the stigma attached with divorce is so strong that people often feel sorry for the divorcees.I condemn this and I don't feel that ladies who have divorceed need to be looked down as objects craving sympathy.Why do some people pass comments like "You have divorced your husband.I am so sorry for you and I really sympathize and hope you find someone".Infact I feel that I need to applaud the strength of someone who has taken this decision and the socioeconomically independent stride in her instead of sympathizing.Just because someone does not have companionship does not make them less respectable or acceptable.I have known few people who moved on and are quite happy with their lives and they definitely do not long for sympathy from anyone and are in a position to offer assistance to anyone who is in an abusive relationship.There is no reason to believe unless expicitly stated that women who have divorced their husband lead a monotonous, dull and uninspiring life.

Why is that our Indian society always attaches negative connotation with divorce ? A person could be lot happier after the divorce and it is indeed a boon to be separated rather than stay in suffocating ambience breathing fiery abuses from her husband.Should they get married again ? It totally depends on the person.When a person goes through a turbulent relationship and is finally out of it, she emerges stronger and this makes her more immune to lot of other jolts in life.I have seen people who prefer not to get married because they are quite content in their lives.

According to me , it is natural to desire for companionship but then one needs to prune the elements of peer pressure associated with it and take a decision based on what one wants rather than what someone thinks they might want.It is totally fine not to get remarried as long as one is happy with the current state of affairs in one's life and don't think that a new relationship is required to set things better.

In a nutshell all I want to say is ,all the points you have mentioned are valid when looking to start a relationship afresh and should not be compromised even if someone tries to exhort giving reasons like age, loneliness , missing parent etc.

I hope this discussion takes a healthy turn and does not include any personal attacks.I have seen ShardaSuresh and you producing quality posts on sensitive issues and wish this thread to be a dicussion forum where we could exchange our views and learn to accept or disagree views but not excoriate the other person.These are my thoughts and please feel to comment or add more to it.I am actually surprised with the count of views and the responses posted in this thread.

Ansh, very good post you have compiled and I wish you all the best where ever you go.

ShardaSuresh · Mar 18, 2009

Great Points Sabitha, This sub forum is one of the least visited among the forums in IL. Maybe the IL members are not very comfortable reading or posting here. This is an example of the discrimination you mentioned.

We woman are are own worst enemies. Like Ansh mentioned we are so consumed by the efforts we make to keep our marriages alive that we develop a condescending attitude towards those who have chosen to be single.

While all of us liberal woman will be up in arms when the discrimination is against a widow, we take a back seat when the issue pertains a divorcee or a single mom.

Many years ago a woman had filed a lawsuit in the Indian courts, demanding 3 months paid maternity leave. Her company was refusing this leave because she was not married. Obviously she won the case, but I remember a lot of my friends(woman) who felt that this was sending a wrong message to the young girls.

I am sorry some of the things I mentioned are not pertaining to the topic.