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A Second Class Life - Please help.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by smartwife, May 4, 2015.

  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    It works both ways. Most people who vent here find it difficult to vent elsewhere....or they find this a safer place. Venting helps .....They feel heard.

    Very often...people realize what they feel is felt by many else and that makes it easier to bear with.

    Some times people realize their life is not so bad indeed.

    Some times people get ideas to cope with their situation.

    and yes...sometimes people might become even more resentful after reading stuff on the forum.
     
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  2. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Sharing stuff with friends , coworkers , neighbors about what you ate for lunch and children, watching TV, doling out advice on the forum , Facebook, Instagram , Internet etc etcetera , everything is fine and good . Only criteria nothin should involve parents remotely . Wow the forum .
     
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  3. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks YM summarized it well.. ..the 45 min phone call to a parent in itself
    is not an issue unless it begins to affect the husband in question... I dont see that in her post. It affects her but that is something she needs to work on.

    The desire to be heard to have an empathetic sounding board goes beyond gender..men need it too ....no thinkingsmiley?
    If he chooses his mom instead of IL or happy hour at work then is it so wrong?
    My colleague at work...ahem ahem ..all white from midwest calls his mom ..driving home many times a week.. ....his reasoning....my wife either has chores for me or a performance evaluation. I need someone to talk to which dont involve both.
     
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  4. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    Do you share your thoughts with a friend on a daily basis for 45 minutes - every day?

    Of course you can and should call also your parents, same as with other relatives and friends. But the content and the frequency count. And there is also the issue regarding the power play. Do the parents still think they can rule, do the adult child the parents opinion is important? That is because of the history of the relationship.

    Why is it btw such a touchy subject regarding parents? Somehow it is seen as some kind of virtue to be in close contact with parents.
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Talking to mother is fine.Complaining is not....because it effects the couple. Mil is an important person in the family equation...the husband putting the wife in a negative light effects her relationship with mil and husband.(same goes for a wife complaining about husband to parents).The spouse knowing that the partner is complaining and ganging with his/her family isolates the other partner.

    e.g. A girl calling up her mom to ask for a recipe is fine...but to complain that he did not appreciate it and not compliment her is not right.

    The Op has not given details about why she feels the way she does....hence a popular advice to not take it too seriously and to find her own thing to do.
    As it usually happens often when op disappears,the thread has taken a new life and a general discussion about pros and mostly cons has started.

    My view is that both partners need to keep parents out of their day today life ,specially early in life when they are getting to know each other better.To see each other from their eyes and not the entire families eye(goes for both families)....and parents should stay out of day today life of young couples.
    It helps in all round growth.
    But if a couple are not effected by everyday calls...then go for it. The problem usually arises when one has objections or not comfortable with daily updates or if it causes problems between them.

    Talking to someone unknown on the forum is closer to counseling at own risk.......It can help...but it can harm too.That is why it is important to have differing views on a forum. Different voices,differing opinions give the OP a more balanced view.
     
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  6. sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    @yellowmango...by chance are you sitting next to methinkingsmiley...

    I was about to post the reply in the same line..But you said it very well..Hope that clears the confusion here.:clap

     
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  7. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    I see that people easily spend couple of hours at playground sharing as much about thier lifes and problem .

    when I ask a coworker about her day I get atleast 15 minutes update . It depends the person , if talkative then you can end up spending good 30 minutes . I can do the same with some of my very good freinds just talking about the 'maid' problem or boss problem or school problem , anything basically . For years I did during lunch hours .


    Did you open the finnish marital problems thread I requested . I am waiting for that .
     
  8. Neha11

    Neha11 Senior IL'ite

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    Lets look at the feeling of life being second class from a different angle(from the wife's angle).I think this feeling only comes up when husband and MIL telephonic conversation feels like she is being alienated from the family matters,gossip or whatever sharing is going on between them .If somebody's husband and MIL talk for around an hr everyday ,the feeling of being neglected wont creep up if the MIL would talk to her DIL for 5 mins and ask her how she was or even when her husband instead of being solely attached with his mom takes an initiative for his mom and wife to bond a little.Wife wants to become a part of the family ,wants to feel connected to his family the way he feels.
    I feel when the girl get married she wants her husband's family love her and bond with her (or atleast try to) so that she could feel at home and get close to them.Thats why marriage is not with one person its with the entire family.In laws should not consider their DIL to be like their son's sex slave and treat them like they dont care and keep her away from the family matters .Thats not building relationship.
     
  9. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    Aareee baba what power play? Whose parents are ruling them? Yes I happen to think my parents opinion matter. My parents dont tell me how I should live my life and I may not agree with them all the time or even heed all their advice but their opinion matters.....very much to me.


     
  10. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with YM. All this complaining about spouse etc is really harmful. But if I have time, I can chat for an hour every day about so many thing. Baby to puppy to what we did over weekend and where we went. Updates about old freinds to new ones.

    After exhausting all this- my mom will start about complaining Indian politics and I will start about Obama and who will be next President. I will urge my brother to watch the latest series of "Homeland" and after he watches an episode, we will analyse it :) . I will tell my mom about the pearls the ladies in "Downton Abbey" is wearing and how I am dropping massive hints to my husband to get it for me.

    Last week, I was telling her all about the "Clinton Cash" scandal. I can go on and on. 40 minutes can fly by in no time.


     
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