A problem for which I have never got a right solution : hope atleast anyone of u cud

ArchanaPartha · Aug 16, 2012

Hi friends ,

I am new to Indusladies, and I like to share some probs in my life which seems to eat up my mind everyday , spoiling my work , happiness etc......... I was married last year , arranged marraige , my Hubby, MIL,FIL,SIL all are very nice people, my MIL 's house is far away from city and just one month after marraige my hub left his job and started a new business( this he informed me before marraige itself and said that he needed my support financially for atleast one year) , since we cud not spend for house rent with only my salary we decieded to stay in the appartment which my dad has given me , with my IL's permission my dad reformed the flat (spent nearly 1 lakh for it) and he bought all required things when i went to new home. I wanted my ILs also with me but they didnt want to leave their home, they expect us to come to their house every weekend which became a tiresome job for me since I travel nearly 5 hrs to and fro my work place from my home daily and I atke rest only during weekends even those days I dont want to miss the time . My dad and mom used to help me a lot , they used to spend a lot for us by buying us clothes during even simple festivals , they gave a large sum of money for our first anniversary , birthdays etc. Not only my parents also my sister. But from my hubby's house they don't even do 1/4th of wat my parents and my sis do for me , but inturn expect us to do. They have a feeling that I earn a lot since I am working in a IT concern. The most stressful thing i found with my MIL and FIL is they both are very dominating , to an extent that they sometimes interfere in my personal things , they feel bad when we go and stay in my moms house on some days when i am late from office , they dont tell it directly but a lot of back talking goes on the worst thing is when they compare me with my co-sister (my husbands elder brothers wife) , first of all I hate her to the core , and they compare me with her even for small things . I get really stressed by their behavior and when I tell this to my husband he argues with me and tries to prove that his people are good , to the core sometimes blames my people which I get angry as my people do a lot for us and he speaks ill abt them for small things , I once tried to discuss this with my in - laws but my MIL is basically a heart patient so I dont want her to get stressed when she comes to know abt my feelings( moreover I am experiencing that pain which I dont want that old lady also to feel) but at the same time I am not able to bear this every time. I am afraid if this will make me a mentally distorted person or something!!!!!!!! Please tell me some suggestion to get rid of this, at least I will be happy if my hubby understands this but he doesn't , that one thing itself is making me go mad with him everyday.

satchitananda · Aug 16, 2012

Re: A problem for which I have never got a right solution : hope atleast anyone of u

Hi Archana,

Sorry to know you too have the same kind of problems with ILs. However, take heart - they do not sound so bad and I sincerely feel you can deal with them.

Firstly, leave aside what your ILs do for you or don't. Don't expect anything. Expectations always lead to disappointments.

You feel bad that your parents do so much for you and your husband has no appreciation of the fact. Ask your parents not to do anything for your husband or ILs. I don't think they will listen to you (a) because they love you and are doing whatever they do for your sake and (b) many parents of daughters still feel obliged to do a lot for the sil and his parents.

As for them talking ill of you behind your back, don't bother about it - as long as they do not say anything to you directly, you can afford to ignore. Don't mention anything to your husband if it is causing tension between you. Right now there is little they can do to hurt you directly as you are not staying with them. If they say anything to you, give back in the sweetest and politest words you can. If your husband does come with you to your parents' place, let the ILs feel bad about it. How does it hurt you? If you keep complaining to your husband about his parents, you run the risk of him refusing to come with you to your parents' place. So be very careful.

meVaidehi · Aug 16, 2012

Re: A problem for which I have never got a right solution : hope atleast anyone of u

You getting angry is understandable sweetie. After you and your parents doing all this to support your family, if your husband can't respect he is badly at fault.
He told you that he would need support before marriage is good thing. And you taking care of the family expenses while he settles his business is not a favor on him either. Its what we do for our partners and family right be it husband or wife? But what your parents are doing is definitely extra effort from them which should be appreciated by him and his parents.
Tell him they are not obliged to do that and he should respect and be thankful. Also just to hide or bury his family's mistakes he can't talk ill about yours unless they are really at fault.
If you are tired, you don't have to go to their place. Let him go and tell him to understand and convey it to his family. They won't come and push you to visit everytime is not good.
When they compare you with co sis tell them well good for her. But we are two different people. And I like to be me if something is wrong tell me and if its right, i'll try to change for better not because thats the way co sis is.
Vaidehi

malarun · Aug 16, 2012

Re: A problem for which I have never got a right solution : hope atleast anyone of u

HI Archana,

A lot of hugs to you... You are not alone I am here with you :hiya...

Now coming to your issue, I feel you are also going through the same as I did… hence I take the liberty to point out your mistakes, basically they are not mistake the adjustments you need to make because YOU ARE A MARRIED INDIAN WOMEN.:hide: before I get bashing from ILs

-> First and foremost never expect your DH and his extended family to appreciate your parents even if they build a White house for you or buy you a gold mine for you... He and his family will say they are trying to show off to the world that they are rich:rant… They will never understand the love and affection about your parents… You implement this 50% of your issues will disappear…

->(Please read this pointer with sarcasm) Don’t expect any material gift from your ILs, they already did a lot in bringing up your DH a lifetime achievement:spin, just take it as if it was really hard to bring your DH who was a Kumbhakarna:rotfl (too expensive). (Now it is time for their investment to mature and get returns…:bowdown) 10 % of your issues will reduce.

-> Turn Deaf to all the comments from your ILS and always paste a smile in your face :shhh:… 20 % of your issues will reduce

-> Never ever try to explain how good your parents are to your DH, he is bound to get irritated. This is because he is possessive about you, no one expect him should be important to you. I realized it the hard way:idontgetit:… Now 20% of your issues will reduce…

You can always show your love for your extended family silently… Just remember our parents are always good and you know it and you need not prove it to any fools in this world.…

When I realized these and changed myself (basically my mentality) I find some amount of peace in my life these days…

Please remember you are changing yourself just for your own peace of mind…

Thanks
Malar

ArchanaPartha · Aug 16, 2012

Re: A problem for which I have never got a right solution : hope atleast anyone of u

Hi ,

A lots of thanks to u all , (Malar,Vaidehi & satchi) .
Malar, I have already tried to be deaf as u said to all the things but even then sometimes I become uncontrollable for eg: I have mild PCOS hence taking medications for it , doctors have prescribed it for 6 months during which I ll not be able to conceive , they say my main prob is stress in job, but I cant leave my job now as I need to support my DH , but sometimes I dont understand y my ILs dont understand this , infront of my DH's cousin once my MIL compared me with my co sis telling she conceived within a month after marraige but I didnt ....... these are reallly irritating , but I deceided to speak abt this to her directly but as i said she is a heart patient and I am afraid how it will affect her !!!!!!!.... hmm anyways will try to take up ur advices..... Thanks a lot atleast I am happy that someone are here to understand my feelings thanks for that......

sridevipc · Aug 16, 2012

Re: A problem for which I have never got a right solution : hope atleast anyone of u

it happes in every one
jus ignore wat ur ils says , dont expect them to do any thing for you .............................

wat malar says is absolutly correct

smritisinha · Aug 16, 2012

Re: A problem for which I have never got a right solution : hope atleast anyone of u

Malar - Amazing reply! :bowdown:

And Archana, apart from the regular (not at all minor) issues, when it comes to having a child, can you just talk about this alone to your husband?? Talk very patiently and make him understand that since you are taking these medications (which he already knows) you would not be able to conceive for another 6 months (which also he already knows). Now tell him that all this situation crops up due to stress and hence the medications. Now if people in the family (or if he is taking all that positively, tell him about MIL directly) sometimes mentions directly in front of you that cosis conceived in one month and you are not following the "ideal" (dont mention "ideal" to him, it is just to add the required sarcasm!!) footsteps of your "ideal" (ditto as earlier) cosis. All these talking make you feel guilty and STRESSED (please stress on this word) and ask him to talk to the family directly without involving you to not pass such comments because even if they dont INTEND (also press this point so he knows you're not blaming) you feel STRESSED for a week.

See, the point here is that he has to understand that for certain things, he has to stand up for you. And especially in this case, where he is the concerned person. (Surely he is concerned for his own kids). So let him know the stress you feel (which you actually do, so its not bluffing).

ArchanaPartha · Aug 16, 2012

Re: A problem for which I have never got a right solution : hope atleast anyone of u

Hi Smriti........... I talked abut this directly to my husband the very next day after the incident but he kept mum for some days and then told me that unfortunately she has become his mother and he cud not speak abt this to her ..................even thats ok but when he mistakes my dad and mom for silly things I am not able to bear up with it...... I feel like bursting out everything .............

Anamika99 · Aug 16, 2012

Re: A problem for which I have never got a right solution : hope atleast anyone of u

Archan,

This is so typical for averagely in indian homes.
Ilove Malar's response...i just do not agree to the point that where you should not expect ur DH to praise your parents abotu what they do. If he does nto go ga-ga about him that is just fine, he shd at-least acknowldege. And not say bad about them.

Also, i think you should ask your parents not to help monitorialy or above and beyond duty in many ways. That way he will know how greatful they have been. you have been married just for a year...and it is a good begining to start showing what u like and what u do not else u will be stuck with living 2 lives forever. We do nto have to be rude, hurting..just convey in nice way. As long as you are not doing wrong or bad...do what you want.

goign every weekend to them is ok, instead of them comign and stayign with you. U can skip a weekend here and there after talking ur husband into it...with love .

ignore ignore ignore...if u do not learn now, it gets harder as time goes

apaasn · Aug 16, 2012

Re: A problem for which I have never got a right solution : hope atleast anyone of u

Dear OP,

Everyone has given good replies, please follow them.
I would just like to add that since you are working and there is so much traveling that you are doing during weekends to in laws house, make your husband do some of the household work. Then you can travel n not worry abt household jobs. Involve him in cooking and some basic cleaning.
Don't try to do everything like a superhero.
If your husband refuses tell him you have to quit the job because you cannot manage and don't want to depend on your parents always.