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A New look to Solve the problem with In-laws!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Change, Dec 14, 2007.

  1. Anushiv

    Anushiv Senior IL'ite

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    ‘Silence is Gold', remain silent & by silence you can achieve what you want! This is the mantra taught by my mother who was in the joint family for more than 25years.
    I follow her footstep. Like any normal in-laws, my in-laws too have spoken/ accused not only my parents, grand parents, great- grand parents...but they have pulled down my whole sect down! However, I remained ' quiet'. I know they were talking non-sense. I don’t want to argue/talk back/prove my self through words but through silence. My silence will torture them; it will take not my peace of mind but theirs. Being an educated person, we should deal the situation through mind & not through emotions or sentiments!

    Getting respect / self-respect, it is all in one's hand. Well, out of an anger/frustration/depression they will definitely kill their D-L through words...they will wait for our side defends but that it will never happen in my case. When their son is back from his work, they will be awaiting to complain about me. But my husband knows his wife well, he has more trust & confidence in me. As I mentioned earlier, after all they are also human beings. Being old & weak, they feel in secured, suffer from inferiority complex, they are jealous of my well-being & help-less. By remaining silent, I am able to understand their feeling but my silence...is a mystery to them. It is a mask to me, a thin wall protects me, they are unable able penetrate’ what I am thinking with in’. That gives them a fear & nowadays they are double careful while talking with me because I have more inner strength & will power than they do.

    To conclude, women...when ever a storm arises in our house. I will remember Swami sukbodhanananda’s speech. He had once said that if someone/somebody talks ill about you just close your ears do not take those words, problems will arise if only you take it personally.

    Well, this is how I deal with my in-laws. Many may not accept & agree with me but it works !
     
  2. Change

    Change New IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies,

    So nice to read different view points. Thanks for all your posts.
    Well neither can a in law problem be compared to a hostel ragging nor can it be considered a battle which is won by silence and inner peace...
    True it might work for some and in fact since decades women have been doing it...
    But what i wanna say is, when will the injustice end ? When will women be treated like humans ? When we worship Lord Shiva and Goddess Laxmi, do we differentiate among them coz they have gender difference ? Does any one ever look down upon goddesses coz they are female gods ? No. When god has not created any distinction then why do humans torture women and set rules which have to be followed by them.

    It was all fine when it was century's ago. The male dominance was extreme and a women was taken care off compeltely by the man. The dominance and rule of then can still be accepted. But today, things are different, women earn equal salaries, run the house. What do u accept, you being saluted at office and being treated like a door mat in your own house ? And more so when what u are today is coz of the efforts and spending of your parents, then why should you hear bad things about them ? Isnt that bad on your part being educated you are letting down some one and letting others hurt them ?

    Today we women have reached this level in society only coz of the efforts of great people like Basavanna ( Kannada saint ) and some others who fought for the rights of women. How could you forget "sati" where in the women was put in the fire, while she was alive, only coz her husband died ? Injustice was so much that time, but due to great people and revolutionaries..today we are able to live for ourselves..

    Those days, women accepted Sati, coz they were illeterate and also accepted all injustice coz they were dependant.. But look at women today, what are we ? Then how can we accept all the injustice....

    Mom's advices are great, but also we should not forget that those acts of theirs were for their time, 20 to 30 decades ago, how can we implement the same now ? Times have changed, women have changed, self esteem has changed...All is so differernt in todays society...

    Why do you think USA is so advanced, coz here people do not pull each others legs or feel jealous, if wife does well in her career. Infact they take it as a matter of pride. Since so many hands work selflessly, they contribute towards the growth of the country.. each one enjoys life to the fullest, may it be a man or a women...

    I read in some indian book i dont remember which said that " Atyachar karna paap hai aur atyachar sehana Maha paap hai" meaning--"its bad to hurt and do injustice to others and its worst to bear injustice and hurts done to you"
    You dont truoble others and also dont let others truoble you too...

    Some in laws force their DIL's to forget their parents and brothers and sisters, they are not even permitted to visit their parents.. Today if we can talk, walk, undersatnd, react, work , earn , then is it not coz of our parents ?? Diid our In laws do all this for us ? So its like, breed and grow the chicken and sell it some day to be cut and eaten by some one ? Do you want such a respect for yourself ? Than what would be the difference between animals and we understanding humans ?

    While getting you married to their son, in laws are all so good, etc etc what happens when u enter their house. They are not doing any charity to us or our parents by marrying us, they need DIL and a child bearer to continue their family hence they get their sons married. When we offer so much to them dont you think they should respect us and our parents.
    Tell me, todays girls in what way are they a liability to the husband or the in laws ? You just live with them under the same roof.. except that, you are not eating their money, or u didnt take money from them to educate urself...you earn your money, and in fact support their family to run.. When you give so much then cant they give a little respect, that too whiich is free of cost ??

    In Ramayan, while Sita gets married to Ram, Dasharat -Ram's father tells sita's father that he will ever be indebted to him coz he has done kanya daan and that is the most sacred daana's of all... So when these in laws talk great things about culture and Ramayan and mahabharat etc etc why dont they follow what is said in there ?

    Every women initially is Sita, but situations force her to change to some one else. And such sitautions are arised by in laws. You enter the family considering as urs, but the very 1st day u are shown a corner..they talk great things of family etc, but treat their own family member as untouchable etc...

    The point i wanna drive home is, gone are mom's days, its todays world and we in it, so being educated, try to solve things right from the start, so you live happily the rest of your life. Else all the yrs ahead, you will keep listening and bearing injustice. What will we answer god when he asks, how did you let others hurt your parents so much ? Being a child its your responsibilty to take care of your parents in their old age, then how could you let others hurt them ?
    We pray to god to solve our worries or sorrows, but what can god do, if we do not use our given thinking and capacity to solve them ourselves?
    If we do not help ourselves to get out of our sorrows then who will ?

    Love,
    Change..:hatsoff
     
  3. Sujimallige

    Sujimallige Bronze IL'ite

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    Wow !!! Change such a wonderful post.
    agree with u completely,particularly when u say that we should not take silently in laws scolding and bad mouthing our parents and siblings.
    Hats off to u.:hatsoff
    Hope girls read this post and understand what u r trying to tell us all.
    My gud wishes to u sweetheart,where ever u r,do have a great life.

    Suji :wave:
     
  4. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Ok Change

    You enjoy your moment of "attention" here. I have deleted my responses to your "personal" thread.

    I hope you are peaceful now.

    Thanks,
    Ria
     
  5. Change

    Change New IL'ite

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    Rai,

    I suppose you can never understand what some one is trying to say... Its not personal attention or something here...its just a thought and trying to help like minded people..

    Anyways...its your wish and will.

    Thanks,
    Change.
     
  6. kannadakasturi

    kannadakasturi New IL'ite

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    I agree entirely with all those who do not espouse silence as the response. Silence means that one validates the injustice and disrespect. That is why the current generation of women who are highly educated don't have to resort to silence. Mounam sammati lakshanam.

    Education also means liberation from slavery to archaic expectations, attitudes etc. If 30 years ago I could tell my MIL who told me that in- laws are more than my parents that it ain't so as my parents are the only family that I have known and they will be always more than them ! Well, I am proud to be born into Basavanna's legacy and I don't want to let him down after 8 centuries that men and women were created equal and that is how it will continue !
    I was way ahead of my generation to think I don't need to bear any atrocities in silence and not bow my head down to anyone unless out of respect. And that respect has to be earned.

    As the first generation of highly educated mothers we will be letting our daughters down if we don't teach them self respect,independence and courage to stand up to any kind of abuse. So for all of you out there don't bear anything in silence !

    Often times I think of my beloved mom who took all her suffering to her grave and I can only cry that she couldn't confide in anyone including her four daughters because she was expected to suffer silently. Remember a squeaky wheel gets the oil !
     
  7. Change

    Change New IL'ite

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    Hello Kannadakasturi,

    Very well said and written.. I too am a follower of basava dharma and basavanna..
    I have seen my mom suffer others cruelty and injustice, all in silence, only coz she was dependant on her husband and always thought about her childrens welfare...
    From the time i started understanding things, i took a pledge that, i will not bear injustice, no matter what...

    Why should one be the cause for their own sufferings...

    Change.
     
  8. Blondie

    Blondie Bronze IL'ite

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    Mounam ardhangeekaram ( silence is half agrrement is the literal translation). So if you are silent then you are half consenting to the treatment meted out to you. One doesn't need to be rude in expressing their feeling of injustice. Nor do they need to bear in silence.

    I totally agree with this :

    but also teach them not to loose their cool in the process :)

    Mounam sammati lakshanam (silence is the mark/ trait of good people) is only applicable when you don't agree with their view point when no percieved abuse is involved. Here you just don't care enough about the issue to let your differing opinion be heard.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2008
  9. punjabi kuri

    punjabi kuri New IL'ite

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    I completely agree with silence is not always the answer. In my case silence was definitely not the answer. I too saw my mum suffer at the hands of various people on my dad's side of the family. She had to listen to so much and bear so much bad treatment even though she was and is one of the most loveliest people you could ever meet. As a child I was a witness to all this and vowed in my heart that one day when I'm older I would never ever let myself be treated that way and if I ever saw anyone treat my mum like that then they would have me to answer to. I have children of my own and I will be teaching my children the value of self-respect and also of respecting others. But the most important thing to me is 'na mara suno na mara bolo' ..... meaning don't listen to bad things and don't say bad things.

    When I first got married I used the silence is golden method with in laws. I listened to a lot and my nights were spent crying in my pillow because inside all i had was anger and resentment towards these strangers who didn't know anything about me but dared to judge the people who have loved me since I was born and taught me and made me the woman I am today. I finally snapped when the words just got a little too deep and it started to affect the relationship I had with my husband. I had been good dil, always polite to everyone that came to the house and everyone that lived there. Always in the kitchen cooking and preparing dinner, washing dishes, taking in laws to visit relatives. Never said anything bad about their son or them to anyone inside or outside of the house..... but they still weren't happy so i decided I might as well be happy!

    After 7 years of marriage I have learned that sometimes it is better to wait a bit before reacting - I don't regret the things I said to in laws but maybe the manner in which i said could have been better thought out. I wish I had calmed myself down and said what I needed to say instead of being hot headed but not once have I sworn or said anything nasty to my in laws. All I ever did was challenge their lies and let them know that as a girl of todays generation I have total right in deciding how I want to live my life. And that is exactly what I am going to do.

    Sorry to go on for so long but this is just my humble opinion and I hope god gives me the strength to carry on this way because at least God knows I don't say anything to hurt anyone and I don't want anyone doing that to me.
     
  10. kannadakasturi

    kannadakasturi New IL'ite

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    This is to clarify that Mounam sammati lakshanam means translated "silence means approval( sammati). This is in kannada.
    When one is silent in the face of abuse you are validating the treatment by your silence.
     

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