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A New look to Solve the problem with In-laws!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Change, Dec 14, 2007.

  1. Change

    Change New IL'ite

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    Hi All:

    I was reading the various posts by members on problems with in-laws etc. So just thought of contributing my few cents.. my post is long, it might take you time, but do read it and think about it.....

    Well yes i completely agree that, life for a girl after marriage is certainly not a bed of roses. The problem with in laws exists in many countries all over, no matter how developed the country is. Hopefully that should end with our generation and the future DIL's would see a differernt definition for in laws.

    It was difficult few years ago, and specially for girls who were house wives had to bear a lot from in laws. But what i see now is, majority girls are highly getting themselves educated. Most being Engineers, lawyers, doctors, MBA's..etc etc.... So then, why is it that we cant solve these issues in the light of justice.

    No matter how educated you are or how far ahead you reach in your career than your hubby, you will still look small to your in laws. When such is the scenario, i feel we should stand for ourselves. Our parents, inspite having spent loads of money to educate us, surrender themeselves in front of our in laws, considering they have given their daughter to them. So, we dont have our parents, nor in laws, and if some are lucky then they will have a supporting husband.

    Todays girls are equal to a husband in all respects and might be even more. So why still bear the nagging from in laws. Speak for yourself and let them know, that you too contribute in the running of the house, you do all things equivalent to your husband, tell them clearly and make them understand that, todays world is different. In earlier days, women used to bend, and surrender to their husbands, coz women were completly dependant on the man and he was the food provider. But today its not like that. You and your parents and relatives should get the same respect what they expect. The only airs, in laws have is, their son brings money etc etc. But in most families today this is not the situation.

    So i feel, we should speak up, make them understand our value and our position in the society. We are not mere wives or mothers or DIL's, we have our won identity. If they still dont undersatnd then, make them respect you thro your behaviour. Act like how you would act in your office for your position. If you are a manager dont many people salute you... So get the same strictness with them too, until they start respecting you and value your worth and later you can treat them as a family.

    If we educated people dont change our own family members then who will. The most of the problem arises, when right from the start, the DIL starts compromising, listens to all insults and never reacts but burns within, bears all mis talkings about her and her family.... tell me why should any human being bear INJUSTICE. If you cant stand for your injustice then who will... Why get scared of in laws... How much you need a family and husband, same way they too need a wife and a DIL to show case their image in society.. So if they hurt you, then you are responsible coz you are allowing them to hurt you.. After all what more will happen, you will have to be away from your husband for few days, but why worry you will be earning and can support your self, you need not even go back to your parents. And when they realize they will come begging at you. No matter how bad they talk about you ( saying that you are strong headed, very bold, very aggressive etc.. let them say, what will you loose. ) And as it is, when they never speak good about you, then let them say what ever when u are fighting for your rights... Who cares..
    They might tell hundreds of people, you tell the same people too.. Coz what ever they tell will always be wrong about a DIL and innocent people they agree to them, so you take a bold step and tell those people what the facts are...

    A mistake is a mistake,, no matter who does it, YOU or your IN LAWS. If we commit any mistake then we should be the 1st to realize it and appolozise and if some one else has commited any mistake then you deserve their appologies. Else the more you surrender and compromise and keep things within you, then you will be the one who will contribute in never ending In laws problem.

    Tell me, if all women of 21st century stand for JUSTICE wont this in laws problem begin to come to an end. How many an eg have we seen, of bold girls standing up for their and their parents rights.. In one Ad by Ponds, the women refuses to marry the boy coz of dowry.. what a bold move, why cant we all take such steps in our own lives and help the in laws underatnd us and in turn solve the problem...

    lets not be educated fools but be and act like educated... Change should begin from within and no where else. You are the one who is required to act and no one else. Why be scared in todays advanced world.. When god does not differentiate between any single life on earth then who are others to differentiate or hurt you. Why stop ourslves and conceal our thoughts with the fear of the society. When what has the society to do with our feelings or hurts.. How ever good or bad u are, people speak in their own perspective about you, so why care for any one.

    If you know, you are right, if your conscience is clean... then take a bold step and see GOD himself will come for your assistance and rescue. As the famous saying goes
    " GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES ".

    Lets all, we learned people of todays century, work towards a better and peaceful life for ourselves.

    Regards.
     
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  2. pallavisurapaneni

    pallavisurapaneni New IL'ite

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    hi...
    its really very nice...i don't have any problems with my in-laws.....but still its very good to read ur whole thread...in fact its true...my mom also used to say what u have written in ur thread....once again thanks for posting such a nice thread...hope every one will learn ...
     
  3. radhee

    radhee Bronze IL'ite

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    True...very true...you have said all that have been going on in my mind...

    As new DILs, we tend to compromise a lot, but that becomes our weak point later. As educated girls, we have the capacity to earn money unlike the in-laws who sit at home and watch soaps all day and keep gossiping about others. In what way are we lesser to them? Why should we let ourselves be looked down upon by them?

    Just becos we have a tag "DIL" does not mean we have to be like a doormat. I was silent initially to whatever was going on here becos i did not want to earn a bad name among inlaws. But as you said, whether we are good or bad, they are going to keep talking whatever they like only. So now i have started voicing out, so that the message reaches them loud and clear.

    If we keep silent, they think that we are good for nothing. My MIL was surprised by the fact that one executive from the car showroom kept calling me madam. i guess she was laughing on the fact why he should call me madam, but she does not know what amount of respect i have at office and in the society. But once again, i dont want to be bragging all this to her...she is illiterate, so will talk like that only. But i have already started acting smart in front of her (may sound bad, but that is the only way to keep my self-esteem) and never allow her to say a word about me or my family. Becos if you let them say something once, they will start saying the same to others also. So the only way to put a fullstop to that, is to stop it at the very first instance. With this kind of therapy, now she knows what to say and what not to say at least in front of me. I am least bothered about whatever they talk behind me, why should i?..Only empty vessels make noise...
     
  4. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    I like the above predicament.
    However I sense a bloated self trying to assert herself too hard. I agree with most of it. But I dont agree that we need give back for each and everything. I think in buiness of life one with more smarter outlook makes the best deal.

    Be the bigger one with more wisdom and get out of this Giving back kind of relationships..
    Why cannt we just give and not care of receiving it back? Why we need whole world reciprocate to our affection and respect. If in world of 1000 acquaintainces, 45 relative and 10 close relative, we cannt allow 2-3 to behave weired, then I think we are asking too much. This is life ..If we keep giving back to every injustice in our life, chances are we have drained our energies in wrong things.

    Just imagine yourself running in 46 mile marathon. You will meet some people who will smile at you, who will cheer you up, you will meet some who will sarcastically laugh at you, Who will ridicule you, Some who dont even care to notice you.. Now tell me if you tried to give back all the negative vibes back..Are you really doing what you were wanting to do.. Wasnt running in Marathon and conserving your energies till end you main goal? So my approach to handle negative vibes is less interactive and less draining. I just continue being my old good self..And normally i have seen even the most negative people tire out and be normal. Or else atleast I am not busy in Giving back to them and wasting my mental and physical energies in wrong directions.

    I am all for standingn up for oneself and preserving self-respect. But I also choose people who can affect my self-respect. Rest all I just dont care about. At the same time, I dont change myself for people I dont like to be.So choose your enemies more wisely than you choose your friends. Because chances are you will end up becoming like them, if you believe in passionate fight.

    Just my 2 cents.
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2007
  5. sonalie

    sonalie Junior IL'ite

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    i like your posts now.
    it shows that self confidence is the key to ensuring the happiness of yourself n others around you...
    if you let yourself lose your confidence because of some minor offhand remarks, you end up being miserable and more sometimes un necessarily aggressive...

    overly submissive or overly aggressive, both stem from low self esteeme and that all ladies or men should avoid...

    come on have fun, go out for walk in the morning....take a nap in the afternoon, watch some cartoon in evening if you are not working....

    come on have fun, go for a walk in the evening, work hard and party harder if you are working...

    if your in laws are buggin you or you just feel you are being bugged by your in laws...just immerse urself in activities you like and then you wont feel the pain...and many a times you will realise that they were not even buggin you....
    kya karen, we indians are like that only and so are mil, sil and even dil, bil, fil,
    have a chill pill....
     
  6. Nandhita

    Nandhita New IL'ite

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    Dear Ria,

    'Preserving self-respect' seems to be conceptually great and can also be practiced. But can it be practised by all, in all situations. By all, I mean, we grow up with many learnings about how to behave with ILs etc. There has to be a certain level of modesty, without which our normal behaviour would be interpreted as arrogance. When I say, in all situations, I mean, if you are sharing the roof with your in-laws or if they are frequent vistors, it is very important to assert ourselves in moderation if we are ill-treated. It is difficult not to bother about their reaction, as it would affect our dialy life otherwise. There are many reasons one can give, but I think, it is most important not to be ill-treated, leave alone being understood. So each one acts depending on her situation. But the moot point is 'keep up your self-esteem', trying not to hurt others as far as possible, in that process.

    Regards,
    Nandhita
     
  7. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Nandhita

    Your point is very valid. I agree with it.
    However when I see , we have choice to allow who will affect our self-respect. I mean it in literal sense. Your point is , we cannot ignore IL's reaction, because we may be staying in same house.
    My point is, ILs are another form of ragging in life. If you have ever been to hostel. You will know what I am talking. Once you get ragged in engineering college, You are ready to take on any kind of IL. I can bet on this.
    The reason is, if we directly move from our caring homes to IL's homes. we expect them to automatically accept us and like us for whatever we are. Which usually doesnot happen. Hence we start getting offended. While the reason lie in us, Why in first place we think they are bound to treat us in a way we want.
    I have been in hostel life for 12 long years. Hence I can vouch for it. That once we remove this natural and automatic expectation that ILs will love us like our parents. We will start to appreciate whatever little they are offering in relation.

    If we end up staying with very arrogant roommate in hostel, Do you think we should allow her to mutilate our self respect , becos we are sharing the roof with her.
    I guess even with Husband or any close relation, it s important to draw lines to what extent they can affect your inner being.
    Same applies to ILs too,

    Hope this makes sense.
    Ria
     
  8. Anushiv

    Anushiv Senior IL'ite

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    Sorry to step in, I read all your post, I am happy & proud see the current trend in dealing with in-laws. Well I am married for 9 years & like any D-L, I too had/have good & bad patches with them. Yes, I agree to you all that education/employment & position helps us to gain more confidence in dealing with them. However, out of my personal experience, I believe in silence. I avoid talking back to them...I do not argue with them, this will trigger their anger more, they talk more… I remain still / unmoved. Well, this is the technique I follow to make them realize….I have more inner strength, confidence & courage.
    Ladies, next time if you have any argument just follow this method (it is very difficult to tie our tongue) but this is the simple procedure to earn good name in an alien territory.
    After all, they are also humans….later definitely; their inner-self will prick them if they are wrong!
     
  9. radhee

    radhee Bronze IL'ite

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    Hmmm...To remain silent or not to...Good discussion happening here. I would like to add my point of view here. I strongly feel that whether to remain silent or whether to speak out depends on the issue, depends on the situation, and depends on the persons involved. It varies from one individual to another. It is not possible to generalize it and say that giving back is always bad. Some situations require you to give back. For eg. If the ILs are going to talk bad about your parents, or if they look down upon your parents, will you keep listening to that silently?? If you remain silent in this situation, it means that you are indirectly telling them that they can talk whatever they want about your parents. It is like encouraging them to talk more. It is like letting down your parents. This absolutely cannot be compared with college/hostel ragging. College/hostel ragging happens only as long as you are there in the college/hostel, but ILs are with you forever.

    Again I am not saying that one should give back at every given opportunity, becos this will rob us of our peace of mind. There is many an injustice that is done to us, but only a few will affect us long-term and deep. Certain issues are light and can be just brushed away rather than talking back. But for certain issues, if you dont talk back, it will affect your self respect long term. If you don't stop such talks, then even the children might start imitating that. Why let others damage our self respect?? If you don't come to your own rescue, nobody will. Therefore, I feel that one has to show discretion as to when to remain silent and when not to.

    Cheers,
    Radhee.
     
  10. iindus_17

    iindus_17 New IL'ite

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    hi
    congrats change!!!very nice article.
     

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