A New look to Solve the problem with In-laws!

hi...
its really very nice...i don't have any problems with my in-laws.....but still its very good to read ur whole thread...in fact its true...my mom also used to say what u have written in ur thread....once again thanks for posting such a nice thread...hope every one will learn ...

 

True...very true...you have said all that have been going on in my mind...

As new DILs, we tend to compromise a lot, but that becomes our weak point later. As educated girls, we have the capacity to earn money unlike the in-laws who sit at home and watch soaps all day and keep gossiping about others. In what way are we lesser to them? Why should we let ourselves be looked down upon by them?

Just becos we have a tag "DIL" does not mean we have to be like a doormat. I was silent initially to whatever was going on here becos i did not want to earn a bad name among inlaws. But as you said, whether we are good or bad, they are going to keep talking whatever they like only. So now i have started voicing out, so that the message reaches them loud and clear.

If we keep silent, they think that we are good for nothing. My MIL was surprised by the fact that one executive from the car showroom kept calling me madam. i guess she was laughing on the fact why he should call me madam, but she does not know what amount of respect i have at office and in the society. But once again, i dont want to be bragging all this to her...she is illiterate, so will talk like that only. But i have already started acting smart in front of her (may sound bad, but that is the only way to keep my self-esteem) and never allow her to say a word about me or my family. Becos if you let them say something once, they will start saying the same to others also. So the only way to put a fullstop to that, is to stop it at the very first instance. With this kind of therapy, now she knows what to say and what not to say at least in front of me. I am least bothered about whatever they talk behind me, why should i?..Only empty vessels make noise...

 

I like the above predicament.
However I sense a bloated self trying to assert herself too hard. I agree with most of it. But I dont agree that we need give back for each and everything. I think in buiness of life one with more smarter outlook makes the best deal.

Be the bigger one with more wisdom and get out of this Giving back kind of relationships..
Why cannt we just give and not care of receiving it back? Why we need whole world reciprocate to our affection and respect. If in world of 1000 acquaintainces, 45 relative and 10 close relative, we cannt allow 2-3 to behave weired, then I think we are asking too much. This is life ..If we keep giving back to every injustice in our life, chances are we have drained our energies in wrong things.

Just imagine yourself running in 46 mile marathon. You will meet some people who will smile at you, who will cheer you up, you will meet some who will sarcastically laugh at you, Who will ridicule you, Some who dont even care to notice you.. Now tell me if you tried to give back all the negative vibes back..Are you really doing what you were wanting to do.. Wasnt running in Marathon and conserving your energies till end you main goal? So my approach to handle negative vibes is less interactive and less draining. I just continue being my old good self..And normally i have seen even the most negative people tire out and be normal. Or else atleast I am not busy in Giving back to them and wasting my mental and physical energies in wrong directions.

I am all for standingn up for oneself and preserving self-respect. But I also choose people who can affect my self-respect. Rest all I just dont care about. At the same time, I dont change myself for people I dont like to be.So choose your enemies more wisely than you choose your friends. Because chances are you will end up becoming like them, if you believe in passionate fight.

Just my 2 cents.

 

i like your posts now.
it shows that self confidence is the key to ensuring the happiness of yourself n others around you...
if you let yourself lose your confidence because of some minor offhand remarks, you end up being miserable and more sometimes un necessarily aggressive...

overly submissive or overly aggressive, both stem from low self esteeme and that all ladies or men should avoid...

come on have fun, go out for walk in the morning....take a nap in the afternoon, watch some cartoon in evening if you are not working....

come on have fun, go for a walk in the evening, work hard and party harder if you are working...

if your in laws are buggin you or you just feel you are being bugged by your in laws...just immerse urself in activities you like and then you wont feel the pain...and many a times you will realise that they were not even buggin you....
kya karen, we indians are like that only and so are mil, sil and even dil, bil, fil,
have a chill pill....

 

Dear Ria,

'Preserving self-respect' seems to be conceptually great and can also be practiced. But can it be practised by all, in all situations. By all, I mean, we grow up with many learnings about how to behave with ILs etc. There has to be a certain level of modesty, without which our normal behaviour would be interpreted as arrogance. When I say, in all situations, I mean, if you are sharing the roof with your in-laws or if they are frequent vistors, it is very important to assert ourselves in moderation if we are ill-treated. It is difficult not to bother about their reaction, as it would affect our dialy life otherwise. There are many reasons one can give, but I think, it is most important not to be ill-treated, leave alone being understood. So each one acts depending on her situation. But the moot point is 'keep up your self-esteem', trying not to hurt others as far as possible, in that process.

Regards,
Nandhita

 

Nandhita

Your point is very valid. I agree with it.
However when I see , we have choice to allow who will affect our self-respect. I mean it in literal sense. Your point is , we cannot ignore IL's reaction, because we may be staying in same house.
My point is, ILs are another form of ragging in life. If you have ever been to hostel. You will know what I am talking. Once you get ragged in engineering college, You are ready to take on any kind of IL. I can bet on this.
The reason is, if we directly move from our caring homes to IL's homes. we expect them to automatically accept us and like us for whatever we are. Which usually doesnot happen. Hence we start getting offended. While the reason lie in us, Why in first place we think they are bound to treat us in a way we want.
I have been in hostel life for 12 long years. Hence I can vouch for it. That once we remove this natural and automatic expectation that ILs will love us like our parents. We will start to appreciate whatever little they are offering in relation.

If we end up staying with very arrogant roommate in hostel, Do you think we should allow her to mutilate our self respect , becos we are sharing the roof with her.
I guess even with Husband or any close relation, it s important to draw lines to what extent they can affect your inner being.
Same applies to ILs too,

Hope this makes sense.
Ria

 

Sorry to step in, I read all your post, I am happy & proud see the current trend in dealing with in-laws. Well I am married for 9 years & like any D-L, I too had/have good & bad patches with them. Yes, I agree to you all that education/employment & position helps us to gain more confidence in dealing with them. However, out of my personal experience, I believe in silence. I avoid talking back to them...I do not argue with them, this will trigger their anger more, they talk more… I remain still / unmoved. Well, this is the technique I follow to make them realize….I have more inner strength, confidence & courage.
Ladies, next time if you have any argument just follow this method (it is very difficult to tie our tongue) but this is the simple procedure to earn good name in an alien territory.
After all, they are also humans….later definitely; their inner-self will prick them if they are wrong!

 

Hmmm...To remain silent or not to...Good discussion happening here. I would like to add my point of view here. I strongly feel that whether to remain silent or whether to speak out depends on the issue, depends on the situation, and depends on the persons involved. It varies from one individual to another. It is not possible to generalize it and say that giving back is always bad. Some situations require you to give back. For eg. If the ILs are going to talk bad about your parents, or if they look down upon your parents, will you keep listening to that silently?? If you remain silent in this situation, it means that you are indirectly telling them that they can talk whatever they want about your parents. It is like encouraging them to talk more. It is like letting down your parents. This absolutely cannot be compared with college/hostel ragging. College/hostel ragging happens only as long as you are there in the college/hostel, but ILs are with you forever.

Again I am not saying that one should give back at every given opportunity, becos this will rob us of our peace of mind. There is many an injustice that is done to us, but only a few will affect us long-term and deep. Certain issues are light and can be just brushed away rather than talking back. But for certain issues, if you dont talk back, it will affect your self respect long term. If you don't stop such talks, then even the children might start imitating that. Why let others damage our self respect?? If you don't come to your own rescue, nobody will. Therefore, I feel that one has to show discretion as to when to remain silent and when not to.

Cheers,
Radhee.

 

hi
congrats change!!!very nice article.