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A New Day,A New plan and A New outlook

Discussion in 'Fertility & Trying to Conceive' started by annavarapus, Mar 19, 2010.

  1. annavarapus

    annavarapus Senior IL'ite

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    My Update: I missed this attempt too ladies.If you can go through my earlier posts you can understand what I am talking about.

    I have not yet made it through a full day without crying. I have not been able to get my babies (Embryos) off my mind for more than 10 minutes. I am not able to talk to people about anything....yet. Despite all of this, I feel like I'm emotionally healthy and doing pretty darn good. I have thrown myself into some sort of work and spent hours thinking about a new plan. I'm embracing the grieving process and trying to focus on my goals.

    We have decided to take a LONG and well deserved break from trying to conceive. This was a huge decision and very difficult one. Ideally, I'd love to be pregnant as soon as possible. Realistically, we need a break physically, mentally, emotionally and financially. The doc already gave me a preview of our next appointment. He said that my body, mind & spirit need a long break after subjecting my body to various fertility treatments, drugs that threw my body into crazy hormonal peaks and valleys, procedures, hospitalization, and two IVF procedures. He'd like us to wait few months before going forward. In the mean time, they're going to do a full work up on both of us . I told him I was thinking more like 6 months and he said it wouldn't be a bad idea. I've been having migraines since I came to know of the negative beta,mostly due to the crying. My blood pressure was super high and he thinks it's a combo of stress and hormones. I've also gained - gulp - 10-12lbs since last year! So, the new plan is to focus on getting healthy physically, emotionally and mentally! We are not planning ANYTHING for at LEAST 6 months but I'm aiming for a peaceful break. I am devoting this time to getting healthy and focus on weight loss. I'm really looking forward to this break and hope that if I work hard enough, I could REALLY get my body working and maybe have a normal period without the tensions of TTC.Infertility can be managed and I'm going to do the best I can! Who knows, maybe we'll end up getting pregnant on our own! After going through all this,I don't lose my faith and hope

    In the mean time, we're thinking about Donor egg/embryo transfer.I know this is kind of too early to think about all the options but I just wanted to write whatever comes to my mind right now.This ttc mind sure thinks a lot and gets depressed soon. We are so blessed in every way and would love to be parents someday.As I type this I am not able to control my tears and need to use the tissue again and again. This is a huge decision and we're still researching but it's something we'd love to do.

    AND THANK YOU from the very bottom of my healing heart to all of you wonderful people who have been leaving comments, wishes,advices etc.I surely look forward to visit this site.After the negative result, I thought for a while that I would stay away from these boards a while.But all your thoughts, prayers, sympathy and encouragement ,which I had so far in this journey is something which I cannot afford to lose. I am so blessed and thankful for all of you.

    I pass a huge banner on the front of a church in our neighbourhood every morning that says "It's Advent, BE STILL...." That says it all. Be still and know that I am God. I'm thinking of my break as being still and trusting God.

    No offense to anyone, but I am so tired of hearing "it's God's plan." God does not plan for us not to succeed after going through every infertility treatment under the sun, spending all of their money, time, energy and every ounce of their heart and soul into trying to conceive. I do believe God has a plan for me, I don't believe he plans for these things. The God I believe in is all loving, all forgiving. He knows what my life plan is, but he does not create it. God knows the choices I will make and how my life will turn out, but he's not planning for my failed IVF's. I do believe in the power of prayer and when I might stumble down a rough path, I know God will be there to help me through. To anyone who knows someone going through anything painful - be there for them! That's all. You don't have to find the right words or worry about upsetting them - just stop by and hug them, let them cry, watch a movie, whatever - just be there.

    I know that one day we will have a beautiful baby.This is what my DH told me today after we heard the news of our blood work.I do believe in his words and I thank god everyday for giving me such a wonderful life partner.Together we will succeed one day.I still don't believe that our doors are closed.As my post says it's going to be a different outlook from tomorrow and I am sure that the prayers will be answered soon for all the TTc ladies out here.

    I think I can call myself a veteran after having undergone 2 fresh IVF cycles researching and gathering every possible information about the whole process.I am there for everyone to clear any doubts that you might have about the process.I would to love to guide anyone who want's to be guided.Thanks ,If you have made it till the end.

    Together we will get our much needed precious "charm"one day!
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2010
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  2. VLR

    VLR Silver IL'ite

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    Priyanka
    As it is I was a little down the whole day. But reading your post has completely broken me down. I am writing this post with tears in my eyes. It must be so heart breaking to go through all this pain and finally not get the result. In fact since today morning I was thinking about this only. Why do we have to go through so much pain, anxiety and tension for holdinbg our LOs. I dont have words to console you. I was eagerly looking forward to reading your update tomorrow morning as soon as I reach office. But since I was working, I logged into IL and saw your post. I am very sorry sweatheart. Be strong ... that is all I can say dear..
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2010
  3. annavarapus

    annavarapus Senior IL'ite

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    VLR,

    I just finished reading your posts in another thread.Don't feel upset after reading my update.I don't want anyone to be.I will feel guilty if someone feels that this post is offensive/demotivating.Don't worry,I know our Lo's are taking more time than others do and they are turning a lil bit pricy too!

     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2010
  4. kinjal

    kinjal Bronze IL'ite

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    Priyanka,

    I was thinking about you this whole week, was even praying to get you a positive result. Me too TTC since more than two years now and i know how difficult it is.

    I am filled with too much emotions right now. I am emotionally week and seeing your roller coster ride on both ivf cycles im loosing hopes on my treatment. Dont have any words to express my feelings.

    Take care dear.
     
  5. meganesh

    meganesh Senior IL'ite

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    Priyanka,

    I am so sorry about the result..I dont know how to console you..
    Just take break..think slowly..definitely you will get your LO soon..
    Keep faith in GOD..never loose hope..


    -meganesh
     
  6. radhaparth2000

    radhaparth2000 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Priyanka,

    I can understand your plight. A tight hug to you and I hope you come out of this soon. I don't have any words to console you, but I am sure you definitely need a break and concentrate on other stuff. Be just confident and have belief that we all will make it one day.
     
  7. Vasumathy

    Vasumathy Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Priyanka,
    I won't read any lengthy posts in single sitting. I will read a paragraph & then move to other window & then read some more & again a move. But this the first time i am reading a big post in single attempt. You & your words made me to read it fully!

    When i logged in & saw the thread by you among the other threads, i just came here first to read it from you. Thought it must have to be a great one. Ya, its great one in another way. Stay positive & stay focused!

    At present i don't want to talk to you on TTC or IVF. May be you need some change in the stuffs you hear.

    Move ahead in your life. Hope you start your weight reduction & other things for you soon! My best wishes & hugs to you!

    I want to do something else to this thread. Will do it soon!
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2010
  8. sashi99

    sashi99 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Priyanka
    My tight hugs to you dear. Dont worry God will surely help you out. I am glad that you already started to plan about wht to do next. Thats the spirit. I sincerely pray that you succeed naturally in this break. Wishing you success from my bottom of my heart in this ttc journey.:thumbsup
     
  9. annavarapus

    annavarapus Senior IL'ite

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    @ Radha, Thanks for the hug.It sure did reach me.IL is the only place where I can pour all my emotions without thinking even a second what the outcome would be.I didn't lose my hope yet.Yes we will make it someday.For many in this TTC journey,IVF is an answer for sure.So keep your spirits up and it doesn't work for some and it really does wonders to some.I hope you fall under the wonders category.My sincere wishes to your journey ,which will be completed soon.

    @ Kinjal, Don't get worried after reading my post.I understand that we all TTC ladies need to take a rough path one way or the other.Don't lose your hopes on IVF.As I said before,It certainly blossoms many lives.One of my friends here went through 10 IUI's before deciding to go for IVF.She transferred 2 good and a 1 okay embryo on day3.As she went for multiple IUI's with no success the Dr okayed for 3 Embryos at a time.When she went for her first ultrasound she was expecting to see a maximum of 2 sacs and behold! she saw 4 sacs and always worried about losing them.She carried them till 34 weeks and they are growing up to be wonderful kids as they turned 6 months a week before.So don't lose your faith in GOD.

    @ Vasumathy,Thanks and I would be happy to make others keep motivated in this TTC thread rather than making any lose hopes in this journey.I hope you understand what I mean.

    @Seshin, Thanks for your hugs.



     
  10. Babydream

    Babydream Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Priyanka,

    Today I logged in after 2 weeks only to see your post and tears rolled in my eyes while reading your post.A very tight hug for you dear.You know what,you will definitely hold your baby very soon.Hope is very important in TTC journey dear.In this heavy situation also you are
    trying to hold yourself and stand.Don't loose hope dear,you will definitely hold your baby very soon.For now forget about everything & try to come out of this.My best wishes are with you for you.

    Take care & Be brave,
    Babydream
     

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