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A Married Life Which Never Started

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by aamrapali, May 8, 2017.

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  1. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    There will always be someone more experienced with a different take on things. So I am risking putting my life out here for advice:

    This is my 2nd marriage.
    Pros:
    Financially well-settled
    Nuclear family but no kids
    Live abroad
    No direct demands regarding food, money, in-laws duty
    Intimate life no issues
    No bad habits
    No physical abuse
    No anger, temper issues

    Cons:
    100% emotional
    After having pursued me for over a year despite my strong disinterest and going against his entire family to marry me, I don't think I have ever truly felt the respect position and status of a wife and life-partner
    Everything he is has been 100% divided between two things (1) his family (2) his career
    It has been many years now and I have exhausted all options of fighting for his resources towards the woman he chased and fought to marry. I have accepted, however difficult, that I cannot force someone to like me or talk to me or spend time with me. I can conduct myself in a manner that one would want to but beyond that it has to be from the other side.
    I feel like a "keep" in this relationship for whatever we have is behind closed doors in a foreign land. I am "invisible" when his family his around as if he is guilty and ashamed of me and I am a liability.
    Everyone's life has a few major events in their time such as graduations, marriage, death, divorce, birth, property, health etc. He was not around to stand by me even as a friend or room-mate in some of these major events in my life which has not only been a huge let down but also a breach of trust (betrayal) that will this man be for me in old age?
    No "real" "meaningful" gifts, zero travel, late hours at work. Work on weekends. Zero conversation. There are more words in the 30-40 minutes he talks to his parents in an India call once a week than what he talks to me in a month. It is like silent solitary confinement. Zero social life. It is a life of existence and isolation.
    After many years of adjustment I felt it is slowly draining me psychologically and this is not a healthy environment to be in.

    Finally, my soul snapped. I have set him free if he wants to divorce, remarry and have kids. I have been through one divorce already so no energy to do it again. There is a high probability he will not do anything and continue this status quo till the end.

    We are both old enough to advise our kids on their date-lives so running to elders for advice or involving them is way beyond our age and maturity (both in our mid 40s). Remarrying and kids for me is no longer an option. It will be my 3rd marriage plus too old to have kids. I have no interest in either.

    So - where to go and what to do from here on? Do I just live one day at a time in this big luxurious bungalow doing what I do alone till death consumes me? Dragging myself to a no-motivation job and talking to one or two friends I have.

    I do work but it seems pointless now. I have money and if there is really going to be a divorce, I would ask for assets to be split. Should I just resign and at least travel and do the things I want to do and enjoy the last few years of my life?

    The age and stage of paranoia surrounding divorce and being financially independent is over. I consider myself the other side of life where it is about down-sizing and living a spiritual life.
     
    sindmani, Visalu, Shanvy and 4 others like this.
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  2. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    As you said there is no abuse.
    Many couples live like this.
     
  3. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    Aamrapali,
    Hugs to you. Do not feel sad. We are here for you. The emptiness you feel, is shared by so many. Before, I go on to preach you on what can be done to resolve your situation, do know that it is okay to feel the way you are feeling and taking a "time out" to reset everything.
    The emptiness you are feeling, is in part for youth gone, the life not turning the way you wanted it to, doubting yourself in creating happiness for yourself, and most of all having no partner to daily mundane life.

    You are saying that time to involve parents has gone, but you are still someones child and you will always be their child, you can run to them still to be loved or for just a break. The things that you can talk about with your parents, sibling, old friends, has usually things from your childhood and creates fuzzy feeling and sense of being centered. Do not give up on your siblings, kindergarten friends or parents, you are still loved by them and always will be. Plan a trip to go visit them, you might get some motivation, inspiration.

    It is true that having child might be tough now, but do you want to pursue it? You can check with your doctor. Do you want to be a foster mother, to 8 yr old? you can explore that.

    You have a job, but feel uninspired. Do not feel bad about your feeling or your job. Please do not take it for granted. In this day and age, jobs can be way more a job or means to end. They are identities for many and love for many, inspiration for many. A reason, to get up and get dressed, be in a routine for many.
    Stick to your job. Try getting a new work wad robe. Can you b friends with some women at work? Desis or non desis? Can you plan gals night out? Since, you have a nice place and a lil money to spend, why don't you start having Diwali puja and party for desis? Or, may be a card night for all gal pal from work. Most people want to socialize but have no time, or lil houses or messy houses etc. You can just make the drinks, and rest can be pot luck. But you can go all out on the decor etc.

    About your husband....like your job, he is a good thing in your life. Let him be there. Do not try to act on your impulses now. Try to get yourself on track for now. Create the happiness that you can, by yourself. Then as a second step to your happiness, try to include husband in your scheme of things. He talks more to his family than to you- wrong. But we can't force anyone to talk to us. Men are just less emotional. They have some emotions towards their parents or children but not so much towards partners. That is for everyone. You are correct to doubt if he will be there for you, but who cares- kal ki kisne dekhi hai?!
    We came here alone, and we will go alone. Thinking about future and the moment of death, we can stop living today. Death and illness will be ugly for everyone, meaning there is no nice way to go. Very few are lucky enough to enjoy the warmth from their own children or grandchildren in their last days. Even with families, people spend days in centres. So, keep yourself healthy- physically, emotionally, and save money. There are home health care workers, who take care of elderly in their own home. And then there is Hospice for last few days. Do not worry about end now, now you are only 45- the new 35!!
    Definitely, plan a trip to Spain, Italy kinda places..I feel so great just thinking about these trips. I haven't gone there, but will love to. Please take your husband along. He might not be the best with A grade all throughout, but he still is nice to you. He might be going through some of his own emotions. But don't ask about it for now. Just plan trips to Spain, India etc.

    There are many volunteer opportunities, do explore them.

    If you want to be a mother, you can explore that with your doctor, or explore the option of being foster parent to kid that you can adopt later. You can have a lil one as foster child or older like 8 yr old. Motherhood can be very fulfilling. Or you can work with lil children as coach or teacher, that is very fulfilling also. You can tie up with some NGO or charity in India.

    Do not give up on your husband, he is a good thing in our life even though not acting like that for now. If he is also 40s, do want to use surrogacy and try for baby?

    Start working out. Get out of funk. Plan on few things and then act on it.
     
    sindmani, Gauri03, Amica and 10 others like this.
  4. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    Get rid of this fellow. He is completely useless. Use your money and new-found emotional strength to do exactly what you feel like, be it living in the country, travelling, painting, eating well, going on spiritual retreats or just relaxing at home and doing nothing at all. The list is endless. Most people would be lucky to find themselves in the position of absolute freedom you are in. From your account, this fellow is sapping the life force out of you. Don't spend a single day further in that house.
     
    MeghanaT likes this.
  5. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Just a shot in the dark but ....

    Can you starting finding things that interest you? Painting, yoga/fitness certifications, etc.
    Find things that put a smile on your face?


    When I realized I was married to someone who didn't love me (only pretended for GC), I thought to myself, let me start being productive around the house and make things better. Either he will gravitate towards me, or God will do something else.

    My ex was a monster so God took him out of my life.

    From your account, your H seems ok. Maybe your H will gravitate towards you after a while. After all, who doesn't like a burst of sunshine (i.e. coming from your contentment of hobbies).
     
  6. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, I don't have much experience to suggest much. But these are my thoughts after reading your post.

    1. You are leading a normal life many women like to have...or many women have.. so much pluses... but the minus you mentioned are not all a minus to many ... many men are like that.. they don't understand well the emotional side of women... we crave for so many things love togetherness, laughter, fun, longing.. what not..but many men don't have a clue why feel that way when we have everything. Thats why men still call women a mystery and say no one can understand the depth of women's mind.. women, including me, think the man should understand us and come to us to satisfy us emotionaly... not going to happen.. they are wired differently...may be some lucky women are there..I don't think divorce is a good option for you especially with a "good " character (based on pluses you mentioned) husband. It is better to have someone than no one..many men are so happy and talkative with their parents and friends...(mine too)

    Feeling lonely in marriage is a worst thing to face.. but many feel this way atleast once in their life . It is quite common

    2. You feel this way because you are exhausted emotionally, may be physically too. You feel very lonely... lack togetherness... lack communication.. it is quite natural to feel this way.. even when we have everyone sometimes we get a strong feelings that we don't have anyone. That's when spiritual thoughts come into our mind..
    Even I , living the American dream felt that way many times.. I felt like going to himalayas... wander around searching the unknown...etc leaving everything behind..it was a strong urge.. I felt like my life mission is something else..I told this my mom and close people.. they all said... you are so tired.. you are so weak that is why you are feeling this way..
    Are you stressed out??

    3. According to usa standards 40+ is still a good age to have kids. if you are healthy and if interested, you please explore that..

    4. I feel that that you are linking your happiness so much to dh.. try to find some activities that make you happy. Spend atleast half an hour for you.. dress well eat well .. why there is no social life.. mingle and use opportunity to talk to people even over phone... listen to music/watch comedy../ move with dance music etc.. whatever that makes you happy..
    Use every opportunity to be with you dh.. even for grocery shopping go together... hug/cuddle while watching tv.. eat together.. etc.. dont expect that he should everything to you.. just do what you likes to do.. don't hold back..You know what works for you..sometimes even when we don't talk each other we feel happy or secure...because love is there. You are young.. don't say you are getting old...

    5. Communicate well. Your dh may not be aware of whats going on your mind.. if you don't like some thing be frank and let him know how you felt.. tell him that you are feeling lonely and you need his help

    6 when we are gloomy, people don't come to us..make sure you are healthy and are not anemic and don't have any thyroid issues

    7. I think you need a break.. why don't you plan a vacation.. with your dh.. go somewhere... if he is not ready to come with you, you go to India /anywhere and visit places you like to.. sometimes visiting temples / religious places may help to recharge..

    Whatever it is take a vacation.. I hope it will charge you...good luck
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2017
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  7. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you.

    My relationship with my family changed significantly following my first divorce. It is cold, superficial and cordial now.

    I do not think a child is a good option whether my own, adopted or foster. It is a responsibility I cannot handle emotionally at this time.

    By nature, I am not the gregarious, socializing, full of energy, upbeat person. I am quiet, calm and more on the less lively side (a consequence of the difficult journey in my life even before this marriage). So the few friends I have are who I have built over a very long period of time and are just a handful but decent to go for lunches and catch up now and then.

    I love travel. My husband and I have traveled extensively here in the U.S. - of course 100% my initiative and my planning, even if he spent for it and came willingly.

    I have lost interest in this relationship because of being treated like a liability. It is a marriage hidden behind walls. He is unrecognizable to me when his parents are in the picture. It is demeaning and not self-respecting to me. I simply do not feel like contributing to this relationship anymore - be it taking interest in cooking or planning where to go next holiday, or shopping with him, or a movie outing. His attitude since the time we married is to go along with the flow but with extreme passivity as if he could care less. This is here in the USA when his family is not around. When his family is around, even this is not there. It is 100% one-sided as if I am the only one wanting to eat, shop, travel, pray....and it is not sustainable which is how it ended now. All the things I used to do with him, I find myself unable to do anymore. It just snapped.

    I have also burnt myself out at the professional end by over-working myself to death, volunteer activities included.

    I do have some interests - am not dead yet. I want to learn stitching, embroidery, spiritual pursuits, and still like to travel - even if alone. I think my post was more about is living like this taking it one day at a time doing what I like sustainable or should I move out or .... what else.
     
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  8. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Try to make more friends
     
  9. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    I agree it is better to be alone when having no one is a reality as opposed to having someone and feeling alone.

    I am quite self-sufficient and emotionally independent. I do not link my self-worth or happiness to my husband. On the contrary, I like the fact that we are able to pursue our interests independently. We do not interfere with one another and do not step on one another's toes.

    I am not looking up to my husband for happiness but I am in his life for (1). Food (2). Sex. Period. In all our years of marriage, there has not been one day he wanted to sit by my side and talk to me even if for 5 minutes or even listen with interest when I have something to say. Or go out for a 15 minute stroll outside in the lawns. He is extremely closed and secretive and does not reveal anything. There is no sharing at all - even what normal husbands and wives share. The lack of communication and sharing is to abnormal levels. I have not come across any couple like this. Even in lukewarm no-chemistry arranged marriages, there is small talk. But none here. Only deathly silence - like in a coffin.

    There have been times I suspected if there was another woman but I doubt it very much. He is married to his work and his family. I am always alone - eat breakfast alone, dinner alone, surf, watch TV alone.

    I am very vocal and expressive and I have spent all my married years explaining to my husband how I feel. He has not budged. There has not been a change of even 0.1%.

    Even if as elders say maybe 10-20 years from now, he will realize and come around, I may not be receptive to accept the change. As they say "too little too late".
     
    sindmani, Vaikuntha and Umanga like this.
  10. WiseAgnes

    WiseAgnes Gold IL'ite

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    Ughm, OP, do you have some deadly disease that leaves you few years to live? Otherwise, you are in your 40s, do you realize that the last few years of your life are going to be next 30-40 years? Literally, you at the middle of your life, it is too early to think that you are too old and have nothing to live for
    My mom started painting at her 52 and she recently sold her work for $3000. She is 59 now
    My MIL took running as hobby when she was 57 and now, 5 years later, I train her for her first half-marathon
    My grandma got married at 62 to an amazing man and they vacation in Italy now
    The nurse who worked in our hospital quit her job 2 years ago and opened her own boxing studio. She was 45
    Do you really think you have nothing else to do with your life? If your job is meaningless, leave this job and find a meaningful one. If you want to travel, please do so. You can travel solo if you want to, you don't have to take your husband with you. Meet new people, take up new hobbies, find what makes you happy.
    As for your husband. Well, I am sorry, he doesn't love you, OP. It's a mere stereotype that men are less emotional. No, it's just a gender socialization they receive as children and teens, which tells them that being emotional means being weak. They learn to hide their emotions, but usually open up to a woman they love. Your husband is just not interested in making this marriage work.
    If you don't want to live with him, move out. This relationship does not help you anyways. You sound like a person who can be happy by herself. If you find that staying with him would be easier for you, don't move out. It is only your choice to make
     
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