1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

A Major Vent

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sweety127, Apr 12, 2023.

Page 1 of 3
  1. Apr 12, 2023 #1
    sweety127

    sweety127 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    358
    Likes Received:
    445
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi all
    I had left my six year old daughter at my SIL place for a week as I had to attend to my husband who was hospitalized for a surgery. I stayed in hospital for few days with my infant and a cousin. Recently my daughter opened up about some unpleasant moments she experienced at SIL's place. She told SIL's son who is 15 years old misbehaved with her. When I told her to explain in detail, she told that he touched her inappropriately when no one was there in the room. She told she felt so bad about his smell. MIL came into the room it seems and he went away silently. This has happened only once when SIL's daughter had gone to her grandparents place. Else my daughter and SIL daughter are always together. My little daughter boldly brought this up with SIL and the boy maintained his stance that he did not do anything. He even promised and created a scene in front of his mom so she told both of them to say sorry to each other and shushed it off
    Daughter and MIL came back.. daughter told me everything and I shared the details with MIL who was also shocked. Then as days went by my daughter forgot everything. She now wants to go and stay at SIL place as exams are over. When I instructed and made her recollect what happened in the past she told ok I don't want to go. When SIL and children come to visit us I am fuming in anger...Everybody acts normal but I am devastated. Even my daughter talks to the boy saying 'Anna anna..'
    I loved the boy as my own son. The daughter inspite of being just 9 years old fiercely defend her brother always. She puts my daughter down, spoils mt daughter's stuffs, never shares anything but still my daughter keeps running behind her. My stupid people pleaser husband would do anything for SIL and family though he was shocked when I shared the details. After few days he acts as if nothing happened...Now I am filled with hatred towards my SIL, her over smart children, my husband, MIL. I wish them bad..I would like to confront the boy but don't kbow how as he has layers of containment around him to save and defend him.

    I feel like moving out of my home and stay separately with my kids.

    If I die I cannot imagine what will happen to my daughters. I am scared of their future with predators like these preying inside one's own family. I can't share these details with my FOO. My otherwise well behaved child has become so cranky nowadays...How do I deal with a situation like this? Should I forget and move on? Or should I have a huge fight with that family staking my marriage?
     
    sweety127, Apr 12, 2023
    sweety127, Apr 12, 2023
    #1
    Loading...

    Similar Threads
    1. Aratimenen

      Major Venting Alert!! Annoying Mil

      Aratimenen, Oct 26, 2016, in forum: Relationship With In-Laws
      Replies:
      5
      Views:
      2,778
      Cutie1991
      Nov 1, 2016
    2. DGcreative

      A major vent

      DGcreative, Nov 6, 2013, in forum: Relationship With In-Laws
      Replies:
      28
      Views:
      3,900
      DGcreative
      Nov 11, 2013
    3. smritisinha

      Major Vent

      smritisinha, Dec 29, 2012, in forum: Married Life
      Replies:
      80
      Views:
      10,676
      cinderella06
      Jan 9, 2013
  2. Apr 12, 2023 #2
    lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,082
    Likes Received:
    1,419
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    this is serious. you need to have a calm talk with your spouse. I am shocked . Your daughter is just a kid. Cannot blame on current reaction. But how is your dh so cool. My Dh has a ugly side on such scenarios, he might go and really break that boy's neck or beat him up really bad.

    Train your kid to make a scene next time it happens. since you cannot cut relations forever you have to make your kids smart in dealing and make them more bolder. teach her self defense even if it means putting her in similar self defense classes.

    this is not VENT. THIS IS SERIOUS. how is your dh so cool. sorry if i sound over emotional. this is the reason why some men take advantages and vice versa also when parents do not step in young age.
     
    lavani, Apr 12, 2023
    lavani, Apr 12, 2023
    #2
    drdiva, MalStrom and sweety127 like this.
  3. Apr 12, 2023 #3
    sweety127

    sweety127 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    358
    Likes Received:
    445
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you lavani for resonating with me. This is make or break situation for me...
    My H loves our daughters a lot..no doubts but he loves SIL children as well. I trust my daughter completely but for H he still cannot digest the fact that the boy is capable of doing something like this.. H simply tells if you are so concerned don't go there that too not out of concern but out of irritation that I keep talking about it again and again..
    I have told him that I something like this happens another time I will create a mess out of the situation.

    I have started dropping my child in karate classes...I tell her to be bold and strong...voice out her opinion bravely..but she acts so timid in front of others but is all brave at home..
    The issue here is while I am boiling in anger my daughter behaves completely fine with that family..she ignores me completely when they come here or we go there...she doesn't listen to a single word of mine when they are around...my h catches that and say see she is fine you don't spoil her happy moments by your over analysis...one thing I have made up my mind with is that I will never allow her to stay at their place without my presence...that's for sure..
    What else can I do?
     
    sweety127, Apr 12, 2023
    sweety127, Apr 12, 2023
    #3
  4. Apr 12, 2023 #4
    MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,326
    Likes Received:
    7,202
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    You should immediately take your daughter to a counselor or therapist. Don’t listen to anyone who says it’s not a big deal. She has been through a serious trauma and she needs to process it.
    I would also never ever leave her alone in your SIL’s house. It’s clear your in-laws don’t want to take this seriously. You have to stand up for your child.
     
    MalStrom, Apr 12, 2023
    MalStrom, Apr 12, 2023
    #4
    Laks09, Thyagarajan, sweety127 and 2 others like this.
  5. Apr 12, 2023 #5
    lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,082
    Likes Received:
    1,419
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I agree with this. such behavior on mil and dh . not acceptable. but there is no point in beating the bush .
     
    lavani, Apr 12, 2023
    lavani, Apr 12, 2023
    #5
    sweety127 and MalStrom like this.
  6. Apr 12, 2023 #6
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,910
    Likes Received:
    30,979
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    Your feelings of anger and frustration at your family members are understandable but you have to somehow find the mental strength and discipline to wade through those all energy drainers, calm down, and take steps that will help your daughter now and in the long term.

    First, recognize that you are doing something very right as a mother that your daughter had the confidence to speak up to your SIL and to you about the incident. That is a good starting point on what to do next about it.

    You have valid gripes with each family member. But, when dealing with this incident leave the rest of the things out. None of the people including your husband are going to be of help. Don't keep focusing on their other negative qualities. Don't waste time and energy trying to convince them this is a big thing.

    Narrow your focus down to how best you can help your daughter. That and only that. This is very important. Your daughter is observing that almost all adults in her family are down-playing her experience. Without bringing in all the other family drama, you have to help her. Her wanting to go to SIL place again is maybe her way of coping with it. You making her recollect what happened and then she saying I don't' want to go, is not the best way. This will go down in her memory and family-legend as you misguided her. I am sorry that is what will happen. Her memory about the incident will get hazy with time, you will keep recollecting it, and overall you will get painted as the problem-person.

    So, what should you do? Talk with a few child therapists or counselors yourself first and see who can help best. Have your daughter meet one. Also ask these therapist what you should do about visits to your SIL's place, and steps to take when all the cousins are together.

    Stop arguing or discussing about this with anyone in your family. Simply tell your husband your daughter will no longer be with SIL's family unless you are there. Do not delegate this supervision to your husband or MIL. You have to be there if your daughter is with your SIL's family. Do not send your daughter over even if the boy is away somewhere else.

    The most important thing is for you to process your feelings and be a calm parent to your child. It can feel like a volcano is erupting in your heart when you think of how all are taking it cool, but, for the sake of your daughter, you have to be calm so you can take good decisions.

    The post you have written should ideally be, "no one is taking this incident seriously even my husband. my daughter is forgetting what happened and again happy to go to their house. what do I do?" Instead you are wasting your time being angry with literally everyone young and old in the family. Don't do that. Take steps to calm yourself down, and then go about getting the help your daughter needs.

    Also, karate or other martial arts instill discipline and confidence in a child but when it comes to defending oneself they may not help much. That is topic for another thread.

    I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Husband not taking such an event seriously is something that shakes a woman to the core.
     
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2023
    Rihana, Apr 12, 2023
    Rihana, Apr 12, 2023
    #6
    Mistt, winterhue, Laks09 and 2 others like this.
  7. Apr 12, 2023 #7
    sweety127

    sweety127 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    358
    Likes Received:
    445
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you so much for the responses.. means a lot to my troubled wounded mind
    Talking about husband...he believes my daughter and says something bad had happened but he will not be able to confront the boy till he validate the facts as my daughter kept changing her version of the abuse. .one time she told he touched her only and the other time she told he sat on her ....so H had earlier asked me for 2 months time...
    I will look out for child counselors in my area...I don't know how much God wants to bombard me with...it's been only 4 months since my second delivery and I am lost completely...hope I get strength to navigate through this..
     
    sweety127, Apr 12, 2023
    sweety127, Apr 12, 2023
    #7
  8. Apr 12, 2023 #8
    winterhue

    winterhue Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    140
    Likes Received:
    338
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Ready for some tough love?
    When people go hiking or running in trails that have bear population, do you know how they warn you to immediately leave the area quietly if you see a bear cub? That is because momma bear will rip you to pieces even if you are a harmless passerby. She does not take any chances. The bear does not care whether you are Jesus Christ himself, if you are anywhere near their cubs, you are pretty much guaranteed dead.
    You are no different from that momma bear. Your job as a mother is ONLY and ONLY to protect your child using all means possible from danger, whether it is a perceived threat or a real threat. If you think the kid is unsafe in a certain place or with certain people, you don't owe ANYONE ANY explanation. As a mother, you need to first understand that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong in it. Do not wait for your husband to support you or your family to support you or even explain anything to anyone. Just one sentence "MY CHILDREN OR ME WILL NOT BE GOING TO THAT HOUSE ANY MORE". Whether the boy did anything wrong or whether your MIL or SIL think he did anything wrong is not your problem , neither should you be considering it. Your daughter's safety is the ONLY concern.

    The second point is, hats off to your brave girl for coming and telling you this! But in my opinion , I think you should NOT remind your daughter and make her relive that experience. Tell her that you completely trust her. If she insists on going to the house again , tell her that you have decided that it is no longer a safe place for her and that it is not negotiable. You don't need to convince her of anything either. Your husband should also not wait to validate anything. The kids memory of a trauma may be hazy and she is just a child. If you believe her, with no ifs and buts, it will do wonders to her self esteem when she grows up. As a person who went through child abuse myself, the knowledge that my mom has got my back ,no matter what ,is the greatest thing for a child.

    Everyone has asked you to take your child to a therapist. I suggest you yourself go to therapy too , because this is a trauma that no mom can digest . It is devastating to have to imagine what your child went through. I understand the anger, but you need therapy too.
    Lots of hugs to you, we are all here standing by you strongly.
     
    winterhue, Apr 12, 2023
    winterhue, Apr 12, 2023
    #8
    Ranchu, Laks09, Thyagarajan and 2 others like this.
  9. Apr 12, 2023 #9
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,910
    Likes Received:
    30,979
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    He believes something bad happened to his daughter, but wants "2 months time" to "validate the facts." If this weren't so sad it would so laughable.

    Write off any hope of help from you husband. Just tell him not to hinder you in the steps you take.

    And, your husband should not confront the boy. That won't help anyone. An adult "confronting" a child who is not their own child is a bad idea on so many counts.
     
    Rihana, Apr 12, 2023
    Rihana, Apr 12, 2023
    #9
    Laks09, Thyagarajan, sweety127 and 1 other person like this.
  10. Apr 12, 2023 #10
    MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,326
    Likes Received:
    7,202
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    What is wrong with your husband?
    Your daughter is just 6 years old and she already sees that he and your in-laws are not believing her. Even adults have trouble perfectly recalling distressing events.
     
    MalStrom, Apr 12, 2023
    MalStrom, Apr 12, 2023
    #10
    sweety127 likes this.
Page 1 of 3

Share This Page