A lesson learnt from a recent trip

juliana123 · Feb 15, 2011

Hi all,
I had been to India a few months ago, it was a real good experience to interact with inlaws as i did not have an opportunity after my marriage, I was suprised to see that my husband completely ignored me when we were staying at his parents house, usually he is a really good person, loving and caring, he has an elder brother who has married their first cousin, so i totally felt out of the family, and when I wanted to spent some time in my mother's place my MIL argued with me a lot , another point is that my MIL and co sister have their mother's home just 2 streets away ( my MIL is my co sister's aunt i.e father's sister ) , inspite of me spending equal number of days in both parent's and in laws houses, my MIL teaches a lot of stuff to my husband, .
I grave mistake I made was I was firm my plans like spending days in both the houses, still she tried her very best to not send me to my mother's house, and I am a single child to my parents, where as she daily goes to her mother's house and also my co sister does the same, I had gone to meet parents after staying 2 years abroad, she does not like two people speaking together or laughing, my MIL is little conservative , so what, she cannot tolerate me and my husband going together under one umbrella when it rains, so she told my husband to carry his neice while I went separately, I used to complain to my husband about his house and how the family members behave, then I stopped thinking that it is not going to change anything for us .My husband constantly thinks what others will say about him, but not for once does ever think about his wife's feeling,
Do you ladies experience this kind of coldness from your husband's when you are at your in -laws place ??

sitara1 · Feb 15, 2011

If your H tries to please everyone that he hasn't changed after marriage, you will be ignored. If your H doesn't care about what others think and behaves normally with you, your in-laws may create issues, both for you and your H. Tough spot. You and your H have to choose what your priority is.

My in-laws too created issues when we were visiting my side of the family, but DH didn't ignore me. As a result, both me and my DH had to face a lot of issues from in-laws. If DH had ignored me like they wanted, maybe DH would not have to face issues. But it was our decision to deal with them together.

SandhyaKK · Feb 17, 2011

Hi,

Most Mens are like your husband. They are very keen that no one around them should tell that they have changed after marriage. They feel it is a great interest. At this point none of their wife's feelings will come to their mind. This is common among Indian mens.

SuccessMinded · Feb 23, 2011

Doesn't matter what your husband or in-laws say. You should be strong about visiting your family.
Just because you are a girl, was anything less done to bring you up compared to your husband?
If this is not possible, do as I do. Go 2 weeks early, spend time with your family alone. Then after DH comes, spend time with his family in his home and have him come and spend 3-4 days with your folks. This way all are happy.

lilyflower · Feb 27, 2011

Hi Friend
I have heard this prob frm many frnds.Same thing happens with me also.My sis-in-law lives in the same town(just 5 km away)from MIL house n she comes daily.when she takes care of her parents then my in-laws praise her a lot.But i am not allowed to do anything for my parents.Even i have to think 3/4 times bfore giving a call to them.My husband also behaves like ur hubby and he cares more what all the other members r thinking.If i complain, he tells its only for 1 month then we ll go to our place.pls adjust.when we come to our place he becomes the best hubby in the world.:cheers.After 7 yrs of marriage i am habituated with this prob.U also try to adjust.Coz sometimes if my husband supports me then, my MIL starts crying and creates a scene.So better to avoid this situation.....what say???

juliana123 · Feb 28, 2011

Thank you Sitara, Sandhya for your inputs.

Hi Successminded,
I did stay for 2 months, so when my husband was there in India, I was there in laws house for a month after he returned abroad, then only I stayed with my parents, for that also I had to struggle and argue with my MIL, nothing to say about FIL in front me he spoke for me and after I left he spoke the contrary.

Hi Lilyflower,
I am sorry for you, though married for 7 years you have some problems, it is only 3 years for us, so I expect this to go on for some more years in my life, I am just learning to ignore all the problems and just live in the moment, if not i am always anxious and worried and sleepless sometimes, which is not good, so focusing on my goals and ignoring the rest. I hope this is what I can do as long as I am here. I know there are many volcanoes waiting for me when we settle down in India !!! just carrying on with life.hmmm.

hydra · Mar 4, 2011

when will this thing stop...why mil wants her married daughter at home (sil).doesnot care to think that dil is also someone's daughter.sil is there for 5 months now she is going and mil cried that now she is gonna miss them .why donot she understand that her son in law needs wife. sometimes people are so blind .