A lesson in communication skills

jpstar · Nov 9, 2008

:hiya Friends,

I seem to have a wierd problem. My words and facial expressions occasionally get misunderstood by my near and dear ones especially some ladies in my as well as my husband's families. :confused2:

My observation tells me that the main reaons for this could be:
1. I maintain a respectful distance from the male members of the family.

2. I have a strange obsession for neatness and need everything in its own place. (The easiest way to mess with me is to leave the old newspapers in a shabby pile right on the center table in the living room or leave the doors of the kitchen cabinets open, etc. )

3. It irritates me when any person shows lack of a generally expected level of discipline and since I haven't yet masterted the art of controlling the temper completely, I think the irritation shows on my face.

4. I consider it my obvious and unarguable duty to ensure that none of the family members does anything that could land them in trouble later. e.g. If someone very close to me like my Mother or MIL is all set to do something that would justifiably annoy someone else then I point that out to them. Invariably I end up irritating them in the process - to the extent that some family members now seem to consider me as someone whose strict and not-always-soft-spoken. It hurts, you know! :-(

My problem is that I am not mature enough to just let go and leave them to suffer the consequences of their own actions. Please guide me in this regard. Would building a complete control over my temper and minding my own business and relaxing my personal neatness, cleanliness and organizing standards help me? Witsend

Thank you!

Ansuya · Nov 9, 2008

Jpstar

You're probably right in surmising that some flexibility on your part should smooth your relationships with your family members somewhat. However, I don't consider your being neat, organised, strict, and not soft-spoken necessarily bad qualities. You sound like you know what you will and won't tolerate, and that you hold yourself (and those important to you) to high standards.

If anything, there's a lack of that sort of person in the world today. Many people have more of an "anything goes" kind of attitude, and while that's okay for teenagers or rock stars, I think adults should strive for more focus. I think one of the big mistakes we make in Indian society is not holding our elders, especially, accountable for their actions. Just because someone is older doesn't necessarily mean they are wiser. While I afford all elders a certain measure of respect, I won't suffer fools gladly no matter what their age is.

Having said that, I do think that "minding your own business" more would save you a lot of grief in the long run. No one likes to be told that what they're doing is wrong. If your relatives are set on a path that will land them in trouble later, as you put it, then leave them be. Unless you are directly affected by said trouble, or it is something that will have a disastrous and permanent impact (like a crime), let them make their mistakes. They are adults and have earned that right. In my opinion, you don't really have an "obvious and inarguable duty" to set people straight.

In other words, pick your battles. Yes, it may be difficult to hold your tongue or control your temper, but think about your own peace of mind. You cannot control everything and everyone around you. It will drive you mad. The upside to letting people be is hopefully, they will let you be too, and then everyone will be happy.

For the record, old newspapers scattered around the house drive me insane, too. More cleanliness and neatness in the world can't be a bad thing. But sometimes, people's feelings and general goodwill are more important that a neat-as-a-pin house. And that's a lesson I have to remind myself of every day.

Good luck in your efforts to go easier on other people, and as a result, yourself.

Ansuya

Rihana · Nov 10, 2008

I could have posted your message a few years back. I am fairly particular about things, and like you said expect a reasonable amount of discipline from others. For me, in addition to things being where they are, it is also basic expectations like "don't interfere", "follow through on anything we agree on". I also was labelled by my relatives, siblings and to an extent in-laws as "strict", "bossy", "uncompromising", "difficult", "Hitler", "hard to please" :hide:

You mention newspapers and kitchen cabinets... made me remember my own experiences. Say I tell my mom to buy a red with black boder mysore silk sari and send with a friend (coming to U.S.). She would go get a red with navy blue because black is not auspicious color. :roll::roll: We request cousins to reserve tickets by A/C 2 tier, they happily book chair-car because it is just "7 hrs journey" shakeheadshakehead. People take money from us citing a very valid need, and end up spending it on something totally opposite and frivolous.

Over the years, I have learnt the very hard bonkway, that it is just not worth it to express opinions on such things. I now bite my tongue most of the time when I feel the urge to correct or comment to anyone. Even with DH, if what he is saying might offend someone just a bit, I keep quiet. I step in only in dire situations.

Facial expressions revealing inner feelings has happened to me too. That also, over time, I have learnt to look serene and calm while inside I am RantRantRant What helped me was the realization that while I was right most of the time, after a while people just remembered the unpleasantness my words caused, and not that I was right.

I would say you already know what to do, and it will get easier with time and the times you lose control will become rarer.

Rihana

senorita2007 · Nov 10, 2008

hi dear,
You sound just like my hubby. Pleas dont be like this, others are mere mortals who cant live up to your standard. Maybe in your mind you are perfect and impeccable, but others will see you as fault finding, nit-picking, insensitive person. Dont force stuff on people. My husband is totally alienated from me and his colleagues because he is a stickler for perfection, discipline and orderliness.... He keeps a rude, long face if I dont clean the every inch of the house, keep the tap runing a little longer, leave the light on, leave the computer on etc etc......

please forgive others and draw them closer to u, dont chase them away from u.....