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A guys story !

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by oneuser, Jun 18, 2010.

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  1. oneuser

    oneuser New IL'ite

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    Hello All,
    First of all I am new to this forum so a big hello to all and I am here coz I see that there quite a few broken hearts here and myself been a broken heart before so I am trying to see if there is anything common with me here.

    I am here not for any advice nor to give an advice but to know the female perspective -- a neutral female -- for the failure of my marriage, my marriage failed and it was a bad separation. here I account some personal and intricate details of what was my marriage and I present here in all honesty only facts and no lies and would want to know a female perspective as to what I did wrong in my marriage. No blame games is what I want to do, do not want to blame my ex or take the blame for myself, but just like to know if I am I too odd for a marriage. Hope you guys/girls like my story.

    Here we go, I meet a girl A in a traditional Indian setting at her home for a prospective alliance, I was there for about 1 hour and we just saw each other for some time and mostly the time was spent with me talking to her parents and I and the girl did not had any one on ones with each other during this time. not even for a single moment

    And as it happened the match does not materialise for reasons not very important so lets ignore them. personally I didnot favor this match as I sensed the girls family is very rich compared to us say to the ratio 1:4 and thats too much for me

    so we ignore this match and move on with life and nearly six months passes and I like a girl B from my office but do not know if she likes me and since it is office so I donot take a chance to express my interest to her and life keeps moving on

    outside office I keep meeting more girls in the same traditional indian manner-- about 1 every month -- and nothing materialises and life goes on for another one year.

    Nearly after one year my parents bang in to a relative who is common to us and the girl A and he says she is still unmarried and would you be interested, at this time I was away from India on an official visit

    My parents talk to me and ask my interest, I say yes thinking I give it another try with this girl A.

    and even as I was thinking to give this match another try I get a message from my parents that the girls side is interested in marriage meaning they agreed for marriage and this at a time when I did not even had a one on one with the girl, now that puzzled me, the girl is very highly educated and from an affluent family and how could she get agreed to marry to virtually a stranger, so I become skeptical about this marriage and loose some of my interest already. but I do not agree to marriage yet. I say that how can I agree to marry some one who I know nothing about but just how she looks and I would take none of it from my parents persistance and maintain that I would take any decision upon coming to india and after a one on one with her.

    my parents agree but soon after I get news that the girls parents do not want to wait so longer till I come to india back and they need me to tell them some decision either immediately or ASAP, now this puzzles me even more, and I loose more interest and I also wonder why would some one agree to marry so soon and without knowing properly the other person, so I decide to talk with the girls family myself to find out why they are so anxious and so soon. So I call at their house and her father picks up the phone. he does not speak to me any more than expressing more anxiety, "we would want to know your decision please let us know now or by tomorrow" and the more I stay on call the more he says the same thing, I regretfuuly end the call totally annoyed with this person, and talk back to my parents and say that I am annoyed with this person and at this time I really feel no interest in this match, but my parents would have none of it, they convince me to take another chance and this time to talk with the girl herself over phone, so I take another chance and talk to the girl over phone and over chat in the internet and try to know about her, interestingly the girls never really opens up. and we do not seem to be connecting with each other, but the girl makes me know that she is too interested in me -- some kind of obsessive interest. after talking to her over one week and I know that she is not the 'one' so I tell the same to my parents. But my parents would still have none of it. They would say that I am purposefully avoiding this girl just becoz her father annoyed me the other day and they would say I need to take another chance and this time may be meet up with this girl in person. and so I give it another chance and meet her up after nealr one month time, This time I like her and due to her cooperative nature -- my first impressions -- so I decide that since she is so cooperative so I can take a plunge, so even if she is too rich compared to me or I really did not think she is very attractive ( looks wise) I take the plunge only becoz I see that she is very cooperative and after that we both are engaged.

    Soon after I got engaged I come to know that the girl B is interested in me, she smiles at me and makes gestures at me and she is doing all this only since I am back in India office and she does not know I am engaged already, in fact no one in my office knows. I need to mention here that girl B is a very attractive and also very good natured, I know about her nature too since I have been seeing her for nearly 18 months. So at this time I am very depressed coz this girl B is one I used to fancy quite and to think that now when she expresses her interest to me I am not available to reciprocate it -- afterall dont we all live for these moments -- . Now I also begin to feel concerned that as a guy engaged to girl A I must not have any more business with girl B, but my heart would have none of it and I really become very nervous on this issue. So I talk to my boss and ask him if could go out of india again, and fortunately or unfortunately he agrees and I am off out of india almost within one week after. I did this just so that I do not screw up at both ends and to keep away from girl B coz the emotions were getting stronger everyday

    and I leave India for another four months and while I am out of india I talk regularly to my fiancee in order to know more about her and to let her know about me too, in all of this I come to know that the girl B left our office for good, to pursue some other job, so I feel relieved now that I would not end up messing up my life when I am back in India. So I am back in India after four months and nearly one month before my marriage to girl A

    During this last one month before my marriage I and my fiancee used to go out for shopping and during this time I come to know more about her and as I know more about her I once again start becoming disinterested in her. And all this almost just few weeks before marriage and nearly two weeks before marriage I talk to my fiancee and tell her that I am not so excited about our marriage and I also tell her about the girl B of my life, now she sounds more cooperative, saying she too admired some body in the past and that she too felt the same way like I am doing now, but over time people tend to get over their fascinations and I too would. I just cant believe she could be so cooperative, but anyway she would not call off the marriage and would not even give any thought about calling it off. But I am disgruntled and would want to avoid this marriage but now cant do it, as I sense it is too late.

    So finally in an anti climax I get married to my fiancee, and all the celebrations take a while to subside -- nearly one week -- and then we are off to honey moon, and much against to my wife's expectations I was quite subdued and to speak frankly we did not had much fun therefor few reasons one I did not get over girl B and two my wife is in periods and I do not want to do it like that. and let me admit it that I was not feeling to do it with her anytime soon and I tell her about the same that I need some time to get over my past. And after this as I just go to get a meal for both of us when I return I see she is talking to her parents and in tears, I try to figure out as whats wrong she withdraws herself from me and is now in more tears and I am shocked to see this and also terrified. next thing I pick up her phone to see that it is her parents on the other side and as I say hello I listen to some threatening and disturbed voices from the other side. I was then terrified and tell her parents that I was just playing a prank on her and she has taken it too seriously and I assure them all will be right and give me just few minutes time, so that was my first day in honey moon, later I tell my wife --angrily, that she should have not talked to her parents about what I told her and now I cannot show them my face and I am really terrified to face them. I say to her that though I understand how she feels I said that all that I said to her only to let her know how I feel and to let her know that I need some time to get into our relationship.

    But my wife was a different kind of person all together than what I thought and would tell even this to her parents and this time when I am in bathroom and as I just come out of bath room, I see her again in tears and on phone but this time I am not terrified coz this is really annoying to me that she again did the same thing which I said to her that it is terrifying to me. So I really try to pretend that I did not see her talking to her parents this time and go back to bath and come out after some time, so that is second day of honey moon. and we had four more days of honey moon and I and her try to spend as much good time as possible and I never again bring up the topic of my past with her either during the honey moon or during the course of our marriage. We come back from our honey moon in a weeks time and she goes to her parents to stay there for one week and after which she joins me and we never had any good time in our marriage and eventually our marriage broke -- and there is lot more to how our marriage broke this is again some very long story , but in all one could say that the foundations of our marriage have not been very strong. Our marriage eventually broke and it was a bitter end -- I leave it to your imaginations about how bitter it was, and I loose everything in my life after that.

    And there is another fallacy to our marriage which I did not not to mention till now and that fallacy was due to me and it was my obsession with beauty in a girl, though my wife has quite decent looks and is very presentable, but I always thought she was not very beautiful. so if one would ask why did I marry her, the answer is as I told you that during the time I did a one on one with her I understood that she is a very cooperative person and liked her for that very much.


    Right now I am not really sad that my marriage failed but I miss the girl B still. So I have a feeling if I am a rotten person. I would want to know !


    Thanks
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2010
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I think you are so immature. If you liked girl B, you should have asked her out on a date and told your parents to stop pestering you about girl A. Really, it was as simple as that.

    As for bringing up your "past" during your honeymoon... PLEASE! You did not have a past with girl B!!! You COULD have if you pursued a relationship with her, but just throwing around flirty glances and smiling in the hall does not constitute a "past" with somebody. So what was the point in even mentioning it?

    Frankly, your story isn't so surprising. You married a stranger. You might as well have just jumped on a bus and pulled a random girl out of the crowd. So what did you expect? Just her being a woman and you being a man doesn't mean the relationship is going to be an explosion of love and chemistry. That is why people get to know each other before they marry.

    As for whether you are a rotten person, I guess to determine that we would have to know what you did during the marriage that made the seperation so "bitter".
     
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  3. newbeginning

    newbeginning Bronze IL'ite

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    You already spoiled A's life and now wondering about B. And tomorrow you will meet C, who is even more good looking and impresses u even more....so then u will go for C?
    Do you think that marriage is a joke or some stuff that you can buy and return if you are not satisfied?
     
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  4. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    1. How long were you married with girl A?

    2. What happened during the marriage that caused the breakdown?

    ASG is right that you needlessly confused girl A about girl B.

    Marriage is serious stuff and you dont just get to marry A, then tell her you like only B and you "may" get over B...etc. Thats nonsense, what you did is Wrong clearly.

    If you married becos of "societal" pressure, then you need to commit to that girl A else you should have called off the marriage.
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2010
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  5. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Oneuser, you writing to see females perspective, rather you should get some males perspective

    This marriage was greatly screwed up by you. You did not like her in first place, they were rushing into marriage, you were doubting all that, perfect

    Then you went back and forth trying to rationalise that she is cooperative while you interested in girl B. And finally concluding that you would go ahead and marry

    Now you go to honey moon and on those days you talk to her that you were not interested in marriage and you were liking some one else. What would you expect a girl to do? May be she should not have called her parents right away, she could have talked to you to see what is that you want now.. and if she would have got some reply which she did not like she could have spoken to her parents. But not all are so matured to manage emotions or sentiments. She probably never saw it coming and her heart broke to the core to understand what to do.

    May be she had great expectations in you which you shattered on honeymoon day by telling her about your regrets..

    Your marriage broke on bitter note, well it never was healthy and most of the times seperations are bitter. Seperation is the time when each party wants to make use to get even one way or other..

    I would like to say, yes it is your fault to great extent in this failure ...
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2010
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  6. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    I feel Spidey Q1 and Q2 are all irrelevant. The background itself speaks the reason of seperation. The marriage was not supposed to be, not sure why OP and even the girls side who are so rich otherwise rushed into the marriage. That is a mystery to me

     
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  7. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    You did not have the guts to propose to a girl (Girl B) you like so much and let her go. Mistake 1.

    Then after marriage you gathered your guts (unnecessarily I might add) and told your "past" to her. Seriously, why would you do that, its not like you and girl B were romeo and juliet. Even if it were the case, I would always suggest the dont ask, dont tell policy and only speak about such sensitive stuff only if asked.Mistake 2

    thirdly your wife is a spoilt brat, running to her parents for every little thing, no wonder u had a bitter break up. I can imagine her family waging a war against you to protect their daughter. Mistake 3

    Anyway, move on and find girl B and marry her if she says yes.good luck.
     
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  8. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Oneuser,

    Sorry for the ordeal that you have been through. It must have been painful. Since you have asked for an objective and neutral assessment of your situation, here it is. I'm sorry to say this but you walked into a marriage with your eyes wide shut and brought most of this misery upon yourself.

    Everyone makes mistakes and you did too. That does not make you a rotten individual, just flawed, as most of us are. I get the impression that you were not mature enough for a marriage. What was the big hurry? Why couldn't you have taken your time with the whole business? Here are some questions for you to reflect on -

    1. When your gut was telling you that this match was not right for you, why did you go ahead with it?
    2.'The girl was cooperative' - what does that even mean? She didn't open up to you. She was reserved. She was not physically appealing to you. But she was...cooperative? and you married her for that? Is that a quality people look for when choosing a life partner?
    3. You liked a girl at work. Why didn't you pursue that further? Even if you were engaged, you could have followed your heart and broken the engagement. Isn't that the purpose of an engagement? To allow the concerned individuals to be doubly certain that they want to spend their lives together. This is not the 19th century. Neither your nor the girl's honor was at stake. You just had to call off the engagement. Why didn't you?
    4. Instead, you chose a most roundabout and illogical manner of getting out of your dilemma. You chose to escape making a decision. You lost the girl you could have been happy with and ruined the life of another.
    5. You did the right thing by telling your fiancee about this office girl and botched it by staying engaged. Again you failed to make the right choice and all because your fiancee proved herself to be...cooperative?
    6. You brought office-girl up again on the very first day of your honeymoon. Once you had made up your mind to be married why couldn't you let go of the past? You couldn't follow your heart or stand up to your parents but chose to dump all your problems on the poor girl you married on the very first night of your life together? She paid the price of your cowardice. Who else would she have turned to if not her parents?

    Why were you so desperate to get married? I am not sure you possess the requisite maturity to handle a marital relationship. You want to have it all but lack the courage to pursue what you want. You cannot run away from every difficult choice and escape every unpleasant situation in life. I would only advise you to do some growing up before you rush into another relationship.
     
  9. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Since you asked for opinions, here's mine.

    You got into this mess all by yourself.

    It was your decision and I will not blame girl A. You had time and you were an adult. You made the choice to marry this girl after being ENGAGED for a month. When you went shopping and talking to her over phone from abroad, you never thought you had this liking towards girl B and directly you were feeding girl A the dreams of her life. So during her honeymoon when you suddenly throw a bomb that you are not interested in her, is she supposed to take it with a smile and wait on till you get over with some other woman. Put yourself in her shoes and tell me what would u have done if your newly wed wife tells you on your honeymoon that she still has feelings for her ex-boyfriend? So please.

    I hope girl B is smart enough.
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2010
  10. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Gauri, this is true for many , more than half who would have got married and I am being conservative, would not have had the maturity to know what it actually entails to get married and the problems in marriage. This is from the perspective that there is no talks before marriage among parents, friends etc, related to issues in marriage. Everyone is just happy and laughing it off saying good you found your match and congrats and all but the real life lessons are either to be taught or to be learnt by ourself...

    OP went into the marriage probably for wrong reasons and so do many people who later realise it will not hold good...

     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2010
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