A friendly suggestion for those having marital problems!!!

You have to pop out a baby to appease your in-laws and parents? Well its not exactly a Christmas prezzie, Spidey LOL

You can always say NO if you are not ready. You don't have to reproduce to appease your in-laws and parents. Is this somewhere in the Section 11 (b) of Arranged marriages code or something you did not read before? LOL

 

It *is* there in Section 11(b) apparently, and I had not read the manual :bonk
The manual also states the entire world can question and badger you on that incessantly.


Anyway - I was talking abt the past when DW and I needed more time. I was adamant that whatever decision we make will only be between DW and I. And, I cannot begin to state how much of a turmoil we had to endure in the family while we were going through that.

Dont mistake me, I dont question the intention of immediate family - they were meaning well for us, but they had not realized the changes that happen in every next gen thinking and mindset. But regarding Q&A from the "world in general", I wish that people would mind their business.

But, anyway - through all that turmoil, we stuck to our guns (very tiring experience though). So we took our time to make sure we are ok with it and ready for it.

 

And Mals,
as per Section 11 (c) - quite a few elders will ask you "Why did you marry if you wont want to decide on a baby?"

ergo - one prime reason per 11 (c) for marriage is to continue the human race via your contribution in extending the family

They have an unstated code that you should try for a baby within X years after marriage. And if we needed Y years to get ready (where Y > X) then we stand in violation of Section 11
But, we are better off that we took the Y that we needed :hiya

 

I don't know what to actually say in this thread. This is a very senstive topic to me. I get very very emotional when I read about kids.I am tearing up as I type this
Yes, having a kid is very important in my life and without a kid I think my life is incomplete. I currently have a feeling am missing something in my life and sometimes I feel there is no point in me staying married . Unlike the parents the OP talked about when I explained my situation to my parents and cried my heart out and when they were here at my home and saw what kind of a person my DH is they advised me to really think hard before having a kid with such a person-they said if I am not confident enough then I should not think about having a kid till the issues in my marriage are resolved.Probably the best advice my parents have ever given me.Am glad I listened to them, the best thing I have ever done in my life.
My DH is a person who is selfish, all he thinks about is his money, his happiness, his savings...there is a big ME ME ME attached to everything he does plus a huge big fat MALE EGO. Unless he tones done I don't think I will ever have a kid. I know people keep saying 30 is a deadline but with modern medicine I think anything is possible. I don't even mind adopting a kid if I have to.

I believe the decision to or not to have a kid in a not-so-normal marriage is very case-dependant. I have come across several cases where having a kid fixed a not-so-normal marriage and having a kid ruined a happy marriage. If either of the spouse or both of them are not willing to tone down their egos, take up additional responsibility, act selflessly, ready to make sacrifices for sake of the spouse and/or kid-be it on the financial or professional front, understanding of each other's limitations/insecurities, capable of recognizing and appreciating each other's sacrifices and lending an helping hand/ear to each other then there is no point in the couple having a kid because it is ruining an innocent child's life.

In my case unless am 200% sure my DH has evolved into a selfless human being and is responsible enough and he tones down his ego ready to lend a helping hand/ear and recognizes my worth I don't plan on having a kid with him. Also In my case I need to be 200% sure that I am financially and emotionally self-sufficient to have a kid. If all the above fall in place I'll have a kid naturally or by medical intervention or just go with adoption

 

When there's no sanity in marriage, what's the use in having children. Marriage must begin for companionship, love and to have a soul mate.

It doesn't matter how old you are, but as we grow older we need a companion and not a bed mate. Our marriage must aim at giving us a companion and not a sperm donor. Children are subsets of marriage and not a vehicle to a destination called children. Marriage is a vehicle to a destination called companionship and not children.

 

Tell them you married for the sex :rotfl That ought to shut them up.

Well Spidey a lot of us need to stop contributing to the human race or there won't be any resources left for all our progenies sooner or later.

Its good to know arranged marriages are well choreographed, directed and (micro) managed by an experienced team of people with attention to detail, well defined mandates and long term roadmaps. Sounds like a well oiled machine :rotfl

 

CP well written, your points are nice. But tell me someone like your DH or lets say my wife who have this big time ego, who are selfish, who dont think of others and act responsibiliy, who dont share the same feelings of spouse. How are they going to change? how do we expect them to change?

This to me is also a very complex question. Its good in a way you are waiting to see your DH changes but given the time and personality do you think it is possible? Ego is very hard to remove. It is embedded in our personality..Some have less, some have a lot more. Even if you adopt but if marriage is not a happy one, life still will be difficult, at that time you will think of moving out. Which you can do even before the child(adoption or otherwise), I am not being insensitive so please do not misunderstand, I feel extremely proud that you are giving so much in the marriage. But for argument sake lets say you do move out of the relationship, you may be happy either single or remarried and have a kid either through adoption or natural process.

When I read your post and start to think of my wife. I do not know what to say. My son's birthday was on 4th June. She did not send me any email or anything, all she did is send a evite to some people and my email was in that. But in signature she signed both our names. I had send some gifts to my son from here through internet and also some greeting cards. And on the birthday I called to talk to my son she was blunt saying he is getting dressed have to go. Somehow I managed to tell him happy birthday and I just confirmed from her if she received all gifts from me, she said yes and he was playing also with one. That made me happy, that he was playing...

However she never sent even one picture of birthday to me yet. How insensitive, whatever be differences, why cannot you just send some pictures. Whether I dont want to live with her, whether I want divorce that all is different, if she tries to be nice esp on some genuine occassions what will be the problem. In these last 3 months I had to tell her twice to send my sons pictures which she then sent.. When I talk to her I can make out very well a big huge ego in the voice.

 

Canwait when I read such sentences I wonder , where are such marriages? how many have you seen where couples have great companion, they grow with each other, they love selflessly and have a very cordial relationship

In 2001 we were just married, my wife had come to US on work assignment, she had a colleague who was married and had no kids and his wife with him. My wife used to tell me as soon as they landed to US and were in hotel , they started fighting, the guy throwing the food plate on the floor and all. Once we all were at 6 flags theme park . All adults. All of a sudden a fight broke between them arguing whether to sit or not sit on a ride and they both got furious and walked away to home and at home she was crying , sobbing etc. Today I know they are married for 9-10 long years, have 2 kids .. At first anyone seeing their marriage will believe oh this is a horrible marriage. I was confused what is their problems..

What I mean is I have not seen an ideal marriage which is described in books

 

There are marriages Tridev. Tell me what keeps couples ticking that don't have children. Children are only a subset. First we must learn to live for ourselves and not to prove our reproducing capabilities.

 

True, what I meant was there is no perfect marriage.