A Father Par Excellence Napoleon

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by chanchitra, Nov 7, 2024.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    There were posts that said sex, physical intimacy and human touch are core needs, a subconscious craving. Got me thinking:

    We often say sex is an important part of marriage. In the Indian marriage context, if the man can perform and the couple can have sex, it’s seen as enough. But is it really that simple? No. It’s not just about having sex; it’s about sexual satisfaction, compatibility, and exploration—things that are just as important. How likely are these in families where the couple lives paycheck to paycheck, with never-ending loans for every big expense? How likely is it for girls from poor families to find real sexual satisfaction in marriage, to have a husband who listens to her words and body? The chances seem pretty low.

    Living in a small place, crowded with family members, lack of privacy, maybe no fan, minimal running water, tired most of the time from kitchen work and taking care of family, a husband who returns from a physically taxing job smelly and stinky, no concept of using a deodorant or taking a shower in the evening… Or just not enough water for two showers in a day.

    Most likely she will bask in reflected orgasm (feel powerful to be able to satisfy the man and have the power). Most likely she will put up with sex than enjoy it. She won’t dread it but won’t look forward to it either. For her sex will be a means to produce a baby or two and achieve the required motherhood milestone.

    In such cases, it may be a pragmatic move on the part of the girl and her family to move sex down on the list of priorities because they have an estimate of the sexual satisfaction she can have in a regular marriage within their regular pool of matrimonial alliances.

    Though the biggest question I have is:
    If you say that physical intimacy is very important and a core need, what about these needs in physically disabled people? They are fully capable of such needs. What do we tell them? Go to the forest and do penance for control over such desires? Or, to find suitable candidates among other physically challenged people? How dare they consider marriage with "normal" people?

    Are their "core" needs also seen as valid, or just an inconvenience to society?
     
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  2. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Gold IL'ite

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    Oh wow, such a deep,deep observation and thinking. When I saw the news of the wedding , and people crying over it, all I thought was there are far more pressing issues than this. When I read the negative comments under the wedding video, I thought, I never see people raged up to this level, when there is tragic news of baby girls being abused , killed just because of their gender, or a poor woman die during child birth without getting proper medical care. Your thoughts are very profound and something I always I thought but never knew how to express!
     
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  3. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    A disabled person is not considered as a complete person in India.
    So how dare he marry?
     
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  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    The term "normal people" can come across as exclusionary and implies that individuals with disabilities are "abnormal," which is an inappropriate and outdated perspective. The issue lies in our lack of inclusivity, which prevents people with disabilities from fully enjoying their rights and opportunities in our society.

    In the context of marriage within the subcontinent, sexual satisfaction often remains an unspoken and unmet aspect. For many women, the experience of orgasm is rare, and societal norms discourage them from expressing dissatisfaction. Even in marriages considered "good," challenges such as lack of privacy and other constraints frequently make a fulfilling love life difficult, especially as couples age. It’s common for spouses to eventually sleep in separate rooms or beds, avoiding physical intimacy, including basic gestures like hugs or kisses.

    Given this context, it’s unlikely that the bride or her family would have prioritized concerns about her sexual satisfaction. However, the critical question here is whether a person with MD (muscular dystrophy) would be capable of engaging in sexual activity at all. If not, it raises significant implications for the bride, as she might remain a virgin unless she opts for alternatives like an extramarital affair (EMA) or an open marriage to fulfill her sexual needs in the future.

    While lack of sexual satisfaction is one issue, being entirely deprived of sexual intimacy is a different and more profound concern.

    We often focus on addressing the sexual needs of those who seemingly have everything, as society tends to favour the fittest. But what about the countless women whose needs go unnoticed?

    Consider women who remain virgins well into middle age due to dowry-related issues, or young widows—many of whom emerge after wars, where the sheer number of war widows leaves them with limited prospects in the marriage market. Then there are divorced women and those trapped in dysfunctional marriages, including some within our own circles.

    Society rarely, if ever, acknowledges their sexual needs or their right to intimacy, leaving these concerns largely unaddressed.
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    That’s exactly what I saw too—parents moving mountains for the love of their child.

    They’ve used every resource at their disposal to bring happiness into their lives and that of their child. They held the wedding openly, with lots of publicity, which helps reduce the chances of the girl being taken advantage of. If they’ve been transparent with the girl’s family about their son’s physical condition and prognosis, that’s all they can do. It’s not Napoleon’s responsibility to save the girl or her family from themselves.

    I, for one, am glad to see this marriage happen. It was heartwarming to watch the couple enjoy the usual cheesy pre-wedding photoshoots. Too often, when we see someone with muscular dystrophy in public, we don’t know how to react. We might hold the door open, make space, feel a pang of sympathy, and wish them well—but then quickly move on with our day. Weddings and photoshoots like this help change that. They normalize seeing people with MD as an active, visible part of society, woven into its fabric like anyone else.
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I can’t believe the number of people claiming the girl will become a lifetime caregiver, nurse, or someone stuck all day turning his body to avoid bedsores—isolated and miserable. I highly doubt Napoleon and his wife arranged this marriage to secure free care for their son. Considering all they’ve sacrificed for him—migrating to another country, giving up political and film careers—they surely understand that an untrained person cannot meet his care needs. Caregivers are provided by the state or can be hired privately at various rates (cash payments).

    At first glance, the idea of such a marriage may make us recoil. But when we step back and view it calmly and positively, it might simply be a situation where both sides are getting something they want and are making compromises they’re willing to make. If the girl’s family values a USC and a comfortable life, is that so wrong? After all, don’t many girls explicitly look for grooms settled in the U.S.? Isn’t the exchange of money still a significant part of marriage arrangements in many parts of India?

    There could be countless reasons why the girl’s side agreed to this match. Perhaps she has a medical condition that hasn’t been disclosed publicly.
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Let us not vilify these individuals either. It’s a unique terror to lie awake at night, wondering who will care for your disabled child when you’re gone. These parents, both the boy’s and the girl’s, are doing the best they can with the resources and limitations they have.

    As for the transactional nature of the marriage, LOL, many marriages begin as transactions. Love and companionship often develop later. Or not.

    We don’t know if this is exploitation. There’s no information so far to indicate that it is. Why are we burdening these parents with the responsibility of setting the "right example" for society?? So many marriages occur where neither the boy nor the girl is prepared for the commitment, yet they’re pressured into it by their families. These ill-prepared unions often harm both partners, but no one audits those parents or those marriages!

    Again, why are we singling out these parents for judgment? I don’t understand the wholesale criticism of their decisions and this wedding. Extravagant and unconventional weddings happen all the time. If this unusual arrangement works for these two families, why hold them accountable for any "message" it sends to society? Will society step in to care for the disabled child once these parents are gone?

    How about let women have the freedom to choose what matters to them. If a woman values financial security or U.S. citizenship over sex, that’s her choice. Not everyone views sex, marriage, and related life goals in the same way, and that’s perfectly fine.

    This statement is full of assumptions. Napoleon and his wife seem like experienced parents who would have considered these possibilities. They likely understand that if the girl is unhappy, their son will also suffer. This public wedding, held in Japan (not the USA or India), seems like part of a bigger, long-term plan and a strategic one. Not India wedding maybe because many places are not wheelchair accessible, not USA wedding as the girl would then have to get a fiancé visa which invites lot of scrutiny.

    What if it all works out? What if the parents know what they are doing?

    For instance, the girl might supervise professional caregivers rather than being a full-time caretaker herself. It’s also possible that the parents have thoughtfully put systems in place—life coaches, counselors, or other professionals—to help the couple navigate this unique marriage.

    What if the girl pursues a state college education in the U.S., builds a career, and grows personally? What if, through IVF or IUI, she becomes a mother and fast-forwards into the busy parenting stage like so many others, where spouses often don’t have much time for each other?

    Rather than assuming doom, why not allow for the possibility of a reasonably happy and sustainable arrangement?
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2024
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Precisely. Not all marriages are story book like. Some involve compromise that can seem painful to the observer but for the person in the marriage itself, the marriage is worth it. They are happy despite the circumstances. I know of two cases where the woman (one widowed, one divorced) had to give up her son from first marriage, sever all contact with him, to get married a second time. The young me was very shocked at the injustice, but now decades later, all seem to be happy enough. Each woman had two kids from second marriage, resumed some contact with the now-grown son, and life goes on. Not ideal by any measure, but a bearable enough life.
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    That’s where being a bit rich can make a difference. Caregiving tasks, such as preventing bedsores, can be handled by hired professionals. Emotional support, too, can be provided by trained experts—life coaches, therapists, or other specialists—available 9-5 or even just a few hours a week. The range of physical and mental caregiving responsibilities that can be outsourced is astonishing, and with proper planning, life becomes significantly easier for immediate family members. It may not be effortless, but it doesn’t have to be a nightmare either.
     
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  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Mom and dad may grow older and eventually pass on before the disabled person. Expecting the not-disabled sibling (NDS) to shoulder this responsibility is neither fair nor practical. Often, the NDS grows up carrying the weight of their parents’ dreams and aspirations, compensating for the milestones their disabled sibling could not achieve. While deeply loving their family, the NDS may feel a sense of relief in moving out and building a life where the primary focus isn’t their sibling’s care.

    Social workers driven by passion (the "white saree with blue border" category) often dedicate themselves to serving the poor and needy on the streets. For those who are disabled but live in the comfort of their affluent homes - swimming pool and wheelchair accessible, elevators etc - paid professional caregivers are the more reliable option. Such caregivers, when supervised effectively, can provide the needed care.

    That is a hope I have for everyone involved. May both sets of parents and the young couple find peace and satisfaction with their choices. If circumstances ever change and they realize the arrangement isn’t working, may they have the wisdom, resources, and support to address the situation thoughtfully and fairly.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2024
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