A cautious life

Cheeniya · Jul 9, 2015

My overcautious mother!

I do not know if I am stuck with the negative attitude of cavemen who lived some 3.5 billion years back but I am certainly stuck with the cautionary signals that my mother kept hoisting during my formative years. She was known for her flair for hoisting the cautionary signal Number 10 (meant for portending Great Danger).Let me give you some examples. I stand on a small mound measuring 6 inches high and try to jump to the level ground. My mum would immediately warn me that I could end up with a fracture as happened in the case of Raju next door. I stand on a twelve inches foot stool and try to retrieve something from the almyrah and my mum’s voice would come from somewhere that Raju (the same one!) had suffered a concussion in the head through a fall from an identical stool. I am about to join a running competition with the street urchins and my mum’s voice would come floating in the air that Raju (the same one again!) suffered a ghastly wound in a similar race and required five sutures to close the wound.

I must tell you a few things about this Raju. He was our local Tarzan though he did not beat his chest as often as the original one did. He could climb a coconut tree with the ease of a tree lizard. He was a dare devil of a guy who treated the nearby Bay of Bengal as a bucket of water! In all these daredevilry, there was not a single instance of Raju getting himself hurt though my mum kept referring to such accidents by the dozen. I never had the courage to ask my mum for the proofs of Raju’s accidents and silently accepted them for I knew that all the incidents that my mum kept cautioning me against never really took place! My mother considered lying as her sacred duty when she had to utter one to prevent me from getting physically hurt.

If you think that this is a mother’s usual routine and it is no big deal, I must tell you that this routine continued till my mum’s demise at a ripe age of 96 and I was the grand dad of three school going children! My mum’s adaptibility was amazing. She had reserved one set of cautions for her great grandchildren, one for her grandchildren and one for her sons! She knew that the stories of Raju, the neighbour, were not quite relevant to me anymore for I outgrew my tendency to jump off six inch platforms by the time I was fifteen and thereafter completely erased such adventures from my curriculam. She therefore shifted these stories to her great grandchildren. While doing so, she dusted the old stories and updated them with the accident possibilities of the modern children. Being a TV addict, she was quite savvy with the latest kind of accidents that young children could suffer and Raju, the Tarzan soon became a relic of the past.

I had the singular fortune of having my mum with me throughout my career and her intuitions stood me in good stead. I steered clear of many a danger zone through her uncanny ability to forsee trouble. At the material time, it all looked like an extended version of her tendency to bring ‘Raju’ in everything I did in my younger days but in retrospect, I thanked my stars for keeping her with me. My cautious approach in the Bank earned me the nickname of ‘Overcautious Muthanna’ (Munjakradai Muthanna, a famous cartoon character of yore) and my mum was very proud of it. She never advocated any kind of bravado even if it had a million rupees in the kitty. When Banks talk of their massive ‘Non performing assets’ these days, I would think how good it would have been if they had my mother on their board!

I met Raju, the Tarzan after several years in a function. I instantly realised that it was one thing to be a daredevil in childhood and another in facing the tides of life. Raju did not seem to have done well at all for himself and his habit of throwing caution to the winds was evident from the half a dozen children that he had been blessed with. If my mum had met him then, she would have had more stories of him to tell us and caution us!

iyerviji · Jul 9, 2015

My dear Anna

Every mother is worried about her child and want them to be cautious. As your mother is very fond of you and loves you very much , she cautioned you everytime and mentioned Raju's name so that you will take care. For a mother her son or daughter is a child even after they grow up and become old.

You are right life is not the same after we grow up. Sad toknow Raju did not do well. Usually the children who are very naughty as a child later grow to up to be a very good kid and shine in their life. It is said that behind every successful man there is a woman and behind your success there was your mother and now your wife is there

This brings me memories of my grandmother who always used to teach good things. When we were kids she used to tell us dont fight with anyone. She used to give th examples of so many people from her native who have come up in life but since we were kids did not listen much and I never knew that I will be married to a person who is from her place

jskls · Jul 9, 2015

Nice write-up on motherly (overcautious) instinct... Just yesterday, we warned our children that if you get hurt one more time physically we are not going to let you participate in any sports.... as my younger one had 3 fractures and a surgery last year by just running behind a basketball and tripping over (not to mention about earlier injuries) and my elder one who is still recovering from a knee injury. Immediate question thrown us at was do you think there would have been Tom Brady if his mom didn't let him play when he got hurt badly at the age of 13? what can we say? there was a time when we listened to our elders without asking questions and I guess that's gone with our generation.

shyamala1234 · Jul 10, 2015

Dear Cheeniya sir,

Yes, if we are cautious in every stage of life there would not be many mistakes, atleast less mistakes. As your mother taught...we would be cautious in making big decisions in life and not many regrets later. Kids understand if we give them an example..as your mother mentioned Raju (a kind of role model to what not to do).
But we listened mother or father without questioning them as jskls mentioned and tried to do what they advised. But present generation...my kids question a lot of things, they want logic in everything they are told and if convinced only they would think about (leave out doing). Their logic is they want to do as they want to do. If they fail they would learn from their mistakes. According to my kids ,nobody would have climbed Mt. Everest if they were too cautious. Only thing we can do is to wish they would succeed.
Syamala

jayasala42 · Jul 10, 2015

Dear Cheeniya Sir,
Your snippet was very interesting and aroused childhood memories.Almost all the parents have been overcautious in those days with a tone of pessimism.But my patti ( puratchi patti kamini) was altogether different.She advised children and grandchildren to try, come what may be.She would give enormous amt of dosas to children saying'kallaik kooda jeeranikkum vayasu'( this is the age when you can digest even stones'.
'etharkeduththaalum poochchu poochchunnu thayangappadaathu'this is paatti.
she used to say'only if you fall into the water you can learn to swim'.

She had her own imaginary character 'mottai' who used to win at any cost and the story of 'mun jagrathai muththamma who always lost.
Don't do' instructions are definitely a must as a matter of caution and not as a demotivation.
My amma was a little more sensible. While teaching about doing bhakshanam and rare samayal items ,first she used to give a recipe then narrate incidents of how it can go wrong ,under what circumstances.Such instructions were in the form of fanciful characters who got into problems, when eeya chombu will melt, when sugar syrup will become too thick,how to manage with inter conversion of rasam and sambar etc.She taught us to be careful with money-when to be generous, when to be moderate ,when to be too stingy.

Yesterday my grandson sent a message as if to be quoted as a response to Cheeniya's ramblings.
“Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.”

What I feel is we can mostly win if we have a motive to win. There is a definite possibility of losing if we aim at'not losing'.
If there is a steep step, we have to be cautious when you arrive at the spot.if we are worried always about it, we are sure to stumble while crossing the step.
We have to be very careful while advising modern children , since they have too many social media to misdirect them.Raju's story may not help.

Jayasala 42

PushpavalliSrinivasan · Jul 10, 2015

Dear Mr Cheeniya,
This ' varumun kaappon' attitude was followed by mothers of our generation. But when they became grandmothers they were encouraging their grand children to test new waters. Their attitude changed according to the changes took place in the world.

there are still mothers who do not want their children to take risk which others think normal for children to explore.

PS

Viswamitra · Jul 11, 2015

Dear Cheeniya Sir,

Conventional wisdom always suggests to be cautious and most mothers of previous generation with an exception of a few always suggested to their children to be cautious. But contemporary thinking of parenthood is different. Most psychologists suggest to allow the children to climb the window sills, ladders, etc. so that they can feel the height and associated risks first hand through their direct experience.

Even though I am 61 years old, I was a risk taker from my childhood despite traditional warnings from my mother. That really helped me when I moved away from my parents at the age of 15 to go to the hostel to face the world on my own. I learned to tackle problems without being dependent on my parents. My parents were very happy to watch me grow more and more confident.

My wife continues to be very protective of our son giving the protective shield all the daughters got from the parents those days. My son kept telling her that he would experience life on his own and learn from his mistakes. Instead of 15, he left home at the age of 18 to go to college and leads fairly independent life. In the present world, it is not practical for the children to grow under the wings of the parents. Probably, they can seek guidance, when needed. Rather they take the principles they learned in their early part to begin their own exploratory life.

I tend to agree with most responders here that the world now is different. Like Vijiakka mentioned many who took chances and were adventurous went on to become very successful. Like jskls mentioned there won't be Tom Brady or Sachin Tendulkar, if parents didn't allow them to take chances in life. Like what Syamala mentioned, the children of modern age like to take risks and correct themselves if they don't work. Like what Smt. Jayasala mentioned there is a good chance of losing if one is focused on not losing. Like what Mrs. Srinivasan mentioned there are mothers both in the earlier and new generation who prefer their children to take risks and understand the positives and negatives of such risks.

With due respect, toxic assets are caused by the greed of the bankers violating or bypassing the banking system developed through financial ratios while sanctioning the debts more than the risks they took. As a matter of fact, Banking and Insurance industry is built based on underwriting risks and obtaining rewards associated with such risks.

Viswa

Cheeniya · Jul 11, 2015

My dear Viji
Thank you for your first FB! I wrote this in loving mockery of how mothers of yore treated their children. I certainly feel grateful for all the love that made them behave the way they did. When my brother got through in the All India Administrative Exam with flying colours and was offered the Indian Foreign Service as a first choice, my mum was not happy with the idea of her son going all over the world to work in Indian Missions abroad particularly in difficult centers. My brother respected her sentiment and opted for Indian Administrative Service and reached the highest spot of Chief Secretary of Tamilnadu. Having taken this decision early in life, he never grumbled even once about it thereafter.
Sri

Cheeniya · Jul 11, 2015

Dear jskls
Children who are passionate about pursuing a certain line of activity will always be ready to throw the famous names in that line at us if and when they face any criticism from us. The fact remains that for every million children that get hurt in games, there can be just one Tom Brady. The children know it and the mothers know it too but as an argument, the example of Tom Brady always silences all mothers!

I will not say that asking questions is bad if the aim of such questions is to try and arrive at better deals. But questioning has earned a dubious distinction these days because of the dishonesty of it's purpose. In my younger days, there was no need for me to question my parents or elders because they were driven by the transparently purest motives but it is not so today. Everyone seems to have a hidden agenda!
Sri

Cheeniya · Jul 11, 2015

My dear Syamala
I fail to understand when people talk of being cautious as counter-productive in going after their ambitions. In families like ours, being materially successful is about the only ambition people have. Mine is a vast family of several cousins and aunts and uncles. I am not aware of a single one in my family who has set his eyes on climbing Everest. I always tell my children that for our kind of ambitions, a little caution is necessary. A very close relative of mine lost nearly Rs.30 lakhs in the stock market during the turbulent days of Harshad Mehta scam. As a Banker, I warned him several times to go slow in investing in dubious shares backed by Mehta but he would not listen. He thought that it was not a time for any conservative thinking when the market was booming. The crash came soon thereafter and he lost quite a sum. He had to undergo severe financial strain for the rest of his life.

Let me give you another instance from your own city. It was the tragic bike racing accident that took place in 2011 in which cricketer Azharuddin's son lost his life. According to a close friend of the victim who too was to have joined the race, this was the conversation that took place on the previous night:
“On Saturday, Ajmal had called me saying, ‘Bhai, kal subah road trip pe chalte hain, Ayaz bhai, you, your friend and I.’ I asked him what we will do on a road trip? He said, ‘We will speed race and try to break our own record of 220 km per hour’.”

“I got a little apprehensive and said, ‘It’s dangerous, there could be accidents!’

But Ajmal said, ‘Dekhte hain na, chalte hain trip pe.’”

The plan was that Ajmal and Mohammad Azharuddin’s son Ayazuddin, would be on latter’s Suzuki GSX R 1000 and Shaad would be on his friend’s Suzuki Hayabusa. But Shaad slept late on Saturday night and didn’t get up on time the next morning.

This is the latest menace in Chennai and scores of young lives are getting lost in this needless adventure. Talk of caution to them and they laugh at you!
Sri