1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  5. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

A big fight happens between you and your MIL. How will you patch up with her now?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sujanags, Dec 21, 2009.

  1. sujanags

    sujanags Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,205
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    105
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    Issues happen in many places in different context. What's the next step is what everyone questions. So, here is the situation for you.

    Assume that you commited a very small mistake and it could have started with a very small speech and ended up in a very big fight. During the fight, MIL could have hurted by pulling all other things like complaining about your parents, that you are not respecting her, any qualities that they don't like in you. Similarly you might also have complained about her, talked to her direct face to face with all anger which was burning all the time (inside like tandoori). So a big cold war started and finished. Now definitely MIL will not come and talk to you.

    Your mind will be re-winding and keep on playing all the words that she shouted about you or your parents and very upset.

    If she had pointed your mistake very carefully, may be that long speech would not have started and lead to a fight. Even then the fight started and when she shouts, atleast you could have left it and ignored instead of shouting back. There is a saying that "When there is a quarrel or fight, both sides are wrong". So, now problem is there in both sides.

    From her side, she will be unhappy the way you shouted and feel very bad about you now. Age factor will not allow her to come and talk to you. Ego could also be a reason.

    What will you do now? How will you patch up with your MIL after a big fight to take you life peacefully from there?

    From my side, during such situations, I will hold her hand and ask Sorry. She could have hurt me very much but this emotional touch makes her to realize what she did is wrong.

    This will differ from person to person. So, please start writing your comments/replies.
     
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2009
    Loading...

  2. icyspicy

    icyspicy Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    226
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    There was a huge fight the same way u just posted in ur thread...tht fight led to her dropping me at my parents place she jst told her son "leave her for 2 months in her paretns place so she trains herself"It was a very tiny argument but both our anger lead to my dh scolding me and talking very bad.

    They dropped me at my parents place in august,for 2 months i was there,our marriage came till the extent of divorce,they went to india and threatened separation if i dont cum there and get tested with a psychiatrist,all these game were played on me and my family,all their relatives were supporitng my mil,they came bak in august ending,1 month passed ,me and my parents kept quite and waited for their response cos v dint want to break the marriage so soon without any proper reason.

    My dh has unstable mind many times i tried calling him to meet to talk abt our life and the misunderstandings,he forcefully met me but it was of no use he blamed me and my parents for everything,he said he needed time in bringing me bak,days passed and it was nearing 2 months,then finally my dh decided to bring me bak and wanted to keep a reconciliation meeting btwn his and my parents,unfortunately at the end of tht meeting he again said he was unsure to bring me bak,v felt cheated and left the place,told him to decide wot is to be done,after 2 weeks he wanted to bring me bak again,he sent many mails asking for 1 last chance in marriage,my parents reluctantly agreed and sent me bak.

    Now i am with my dh,my mil is in india and sadly will be cuming bak soon here to live with us,me and mil r not in good terms,from the time i came bak to the house,she is trying to take revenge by making me slog in the kitchen,tryting to insult me in front of her relatives she sumhow wants me to leave my husband ,she dosent let me and my dh stay togeter even for few minutes,she is trying hard to get me out of the house but im adamant in staying.This is how my relationship with my dear mil.U guys have any tips or advice please feel free to wrtie to me.Take care.
     
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,862
    Likes Received:
    5,086
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Sujana.. whatever happens in my case I try getting back on track & maintain platonic relationship of a hi n bye with them as soon as my mind comes to rest from the pathetic happenings.

    I also confirm with my DH before each restart if they're fine with my calling them or they still have something left to pour out... till the time he says ok fine.. go ahead I hold on calling them.

    Yes as a wife & DIL you have to leave your EGO when you leave parent's place & live there until your self respect is at stake... if thats shaken give a clear message across that I dint like it... however resume talks... cos everyone knows that until there's a personal problem between husband & wife the marriage shall go on.
     
  4. Cool1

    Cool1 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    159
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    This time when I had gone for a visit.I was properly shouted at and embarassed in front of every one by my In laws.I hated them so much.After coming back I saw my husband showing unnecessary temper on me and that very incident taught me one thing.Treat everyone individually.I called up my MIL after 2 days.Spoke to her as if nothing happened.They were very cool after that.My husband became normal and we never bring up that topic. Its been only 2 months to this.Do this.Forget the ego...GO to her and try talking to her.Her ego might stop her but apparently she will give in.Its the age factor.

    Now coming to the point.Deep inside my heart I have not forgotten a single word.I remember each and every word.To an extent that I still remember my husband sitting there like an IDIOT with his brother's 1 month old child as if he was going to feed him.
    There is a lot of negativity in me regarding this incident which may go away with time. .But I still went ahead and spoke to them to get things back to normal.Not for anybody but for my peace of mind.In the long run we dont know when we need to approach whom.There is no point in being silent or anything.Just talk but maintain distance.Since then I have kept a very cordial relation with them.
    Never ever try very hard for anything.It will make us feel like a doormat..Nothing more..
    So I would suggest you to try and talk to her as if nothing happened.She will open up and end up bringing all the old topic back.IGNORE and from then on be extra careful..Its better initiated from your side since it will avoid any awkward situation....
     
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2009
  5. sujanags

    sujanags Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,205
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    105
    Gender:
    Female
    cool1,
    I agree that whenever we don't talk with MIL or don't have good relationsip with MIL, DH will not be very affectionate towards us.

    It is really very very difficult to forget everything what in-laws spoke. if we take them to heart and keep worrying, we are the ones affected.
     
  6. sujanags

    sujanags Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,205
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    105
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks ShilpaMa for sharing. Yes, DILs we need to leave ego in such cases and ask "Sorry" to set the relationship in right way.
     
  7. sujanags

    sujanags Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,205
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    105
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi icyspicy,

    I read your reply written in my thread and asking for a suggestion.

    There are many things to be patched up here and you could start the initiation. First your DH did not take you back from your parents home after some problems. You also have fear that your MIL could separate you both. All these might not even occur if you and DH need have a very good bonding. Only when you both have this bonding, he can develop a good relationship with your parents and you can share good relationship with you in-laws.

    So, you both are living alone now and will definitely have time to talk personally (which others don't get when living with in-laws).
    1. First you ask him to list down the qualities that he likes / dislikes in you.
    2. Then you write down the qualities that you like/ dislike in him.
    3. Exchange your papers and then read out the points.
    4. Please don't lose your patience when he reads your dislikes. Ask him also to stay same way when you read your dislikes.
    5. You both pick the first one from the list which you guys decided to change and start wokring on it.
    6. This will take some time but don't lose patience. It will definitely work one day. Slowly this will create a good bond between you and your DH. Once it leads to such situation, your MIL cannot separate you and your DH.
     
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2009
  8. sushmamohapatra

    sushmamohapatra Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    100
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Is that correct, that DH will not be affectionate if your not in talking terms with your ILs for THEIR mistake? I somewhat donot agree to, though I am also sailing in the same boat. But is that YOU (as a wife) are NOt affectionate to your DH if his parents are doing such rukus and nonsense acts? The answer is NO.

    Then just being in that male ego, does it give all DHs a right to behave this way with their spouses?

    I agree to the comments here to compromise and keep distance, and become a doormat, but to what extent? By compromising again and again, wont they completely break our confidence by doing all such things again and again? Wont you feel all the more depressed and frustrated, that why in first place you agreed to compromise?

    I might be wrong in my comment or queries, but yes I am in the same situation, where my dh is willing to patch betwn me and my ILs, and my ILs are saying, to forget everything and move ahead (which they had told earlier as well but did the same things repeatedly).

    sushma
     
  9. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,502
    Likes Received:
    301
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    wow i remember the day when i was totally burst all my 1 year anger flood on her no abuse but yes i demanded epxlanation my dh was shocked to the way i gave it back good thing was my fil was supporting me and next 1 week i dint go to them or talked to them but later when i went she was normal so i was normal too and that was only bigh fight happend in past 18months..i never said sorry becuase i thought its not my mistake and issue was where she dint visit my home or talk to my mom after my dads death even though they stayed at 10mins distance
     
  10. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    357
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    Icyspicy, that is utterly ridiculous, and I don't know how you tolerated such cheap talk. You know what I would have said (and think you should have said too)? "I'm not a dog to be sent to kennel class to be trained. So don't you dare refer to me like that again." :rant

    Sujana, in a fight.... I will wait for the person at fault to say 'sorry' first. If that person is me, I will step up and take responsibility. If it's the other person who said/did bad things... why should I apologize for their them???

    The way I see it, everytime we say "I'm SORRY"... we should KNOW what we're apologizing for. That is why I usually always say, "I'm sorry FOR abc defg hijkl." A good rule of thumb is, if you can't figure out what it is you're sorry for, you shouldn't be the one apologizing. JMO.
     

Share This Page