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A Bad Daughter-in-law For A Change!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by varalotti, Mar 2, 2006.

  1. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    A Thorough Analysis, AGR!

    Dear AGR,
    You have ripped the story into shreds and have beautifully summed up the lessons.
    Some one asked why should Raji first go to her mil and not her husband? She heard whatever happened in her absence from the computer-recording. She found out that not only her mil was good but her husband was bad and was ready even to throw her out of the house. She is filled with remorse for all the ill-treatment she gave to her mil and she is filled with fear and insecurity as her husband was having an affair. Naturally she goes out to seek her only ally in the house and also uses the opportunity to apologise to her for all the wrongs.
    I know many families where the dil ill-treats her mil and the son is a silent victim (worse still, at times, even an active ally to his wife). Naturally the house will be in turmoil which is a sufficient cause for him to seek an affair.
    Thanks for the nice words and the clear analysis.
    regards,
    Varalotti
     
  2. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    I have not belied your expectations, Vandana!

    Dear Vandana,
    After writing the malathi's mil thread, I was feeling heavy as there was too much of mil-bashing and in all the cases those mils deserve that bashing also. But there are many (if not an equal number) instances of bad dils. You ask any man or woman, he/she will point out to atleast half a dozen examples in their family circles.
    Very sorry to hear about your brother's story.
    If you ask me the best thing that happened to your brother was his wife getting a job. It is better to divorce such a woman than managing a life with her.
    I know it will be a torture for his daughter. But that is some collateral damage which we can't help it. Ask your brother to remarry. I have found in almost all cases of remarriage after a painful divorce, the couple always have a happy life. And before that ,the most important thing is to give that girl a good counsel. Take her to a qualified counsellor and explain the things to her. You or your parents or any teacher whom the girl adores can do the job. Though it will be harsh on her, it is better for her to understand that her mom is not a good person and that there can be life without her.
    I am sure your brother will start his second innings afresh and do really well. I am sure all the gracious ladies will join me in a fervent prayer to Almighty God that your brother be blessed with a good family life and his girl should come out of this trauma, unscathed.
    regards,
    Varalotti
     
  3. Sharada

    Sharada Senior IL'ite

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    bad dils

    In my opinion bad dils like Raji are the exception. The mil should welcome the girl warmly - in the first few years of marriage if the girl is treated lovingly without undue criticism, usually there are no relationship hassles. If Raji had been wicked and conniving she would have kept her marital life passionate - then it would have been easier to create discord between mother and son.
    Frankly I cannot identify with this situation. Glad that it worked out well in the end. But in real life I have not seen this happen - the bad continue being bad and the good continue being criticised/harassed/taunted/tortured.
    Sharada
     
  4. Vandhana

    Vandhana Silver IL'ite

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    Tank you for your kind words

    Dear Mr.Varalotti,

    Thank youfor your kind words. This happened almost two and half years ago. Time is a great healer, and now my niece has come out of it strong and is on her way to becoming a nice young lady( she is 14). Yes the first year was very hard. A mother's rejection is very hard to take ( may be this could be the subject of your next story?). Also even after the divorce, the ex wife used to call and verbaly abuse my niece. We changed all the phone numbers and even went to the extent of getting a restraining order. We have spoken to my brother about remarriage, but for now my brother has decided against it. He feels that my niece is just coming out of one traumatic situation and it would not be good to get her into another one( we also consulted a psycologist about this). We are waiting till she is little older and more mature to handle all these complex relationships. For now, their life seems to be settling down after the turbulance.

    Regards
    Vandhana
     
  5. vidhukumar

    vidhukumar Senior IL'ite

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    Dear varalotti,
    this was a very touching story,the kind we come across in our family circles....The maturity and wisdom of the M-I-L in choosing the right thing,dealing with a bad d-i-l or leting her son have an affair, is appreciated.In a small way the d-i-l also earns my appreciation,since she changed for the better and apologised.....but somehow i can't agree to the actions of the Son!!I feel the son has a major duty of balancing between the mother and the wife from day one......he could have openly fought for his mother and changed his wife with his love.....keeping silent was his first mistake......the reason he gave was his wife threatening to run away which would create a scandel!wont having an affair with another woman create a bigger scandel??this shows his selfish and cowardly nature!
    like all your other stories,this was also food for thought!
     
  6. Shakthi

    Shakthi Senior IL'ite

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    Visu in IndusLadies Community!

    Varalotti,

    This story is more of a family drama - you gave me the feeling of coming out of director Visu's movie [​IMG] . You are becoming a Visu in IndusLadies community, I should say! Reason being, you portrayed bad M-i-ls these days and now for a change you are portraying a bad D-i-l and trying to gain a balance.

    I agree in entirety with Sharada - bad D-i-ls are definitely handful compared to M-i-ls. They turn out to be one, if they are not accepted in the family they come in. I will tell you why...a D-i-l entering a new family tries to be down to earth as possible, wanting to adjust(especially with the M-i-ls and S-i-ls) and getting to know everyone in the family. But everytime she is not understood or recognized, it soon pushes her to the breaking point. This makes her to become a bad D-i-l and then a bad M-i-l when it comes to with her D-i-l later. May be there are exceptions, but I am speaking about the majority here.

    BTW, I am happy that I got such a wonderful writer introduced to this community through your wonderful story - 'The Promise'. Till date, of the few writings of yours I have read, nothing moved me like 'The Promise'. That was simply superb [​IMG]

    Purnima,

    if you cried for this bad d-i-l story, I could imagine how much heavy at heart you would have felt on reading 'The Promise'.

    Regards,

    Shakthi
     
  7. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry to come in between you & sridhar !

    Dear shakthi,
    Do not think that bad DILs are a handfuls compared to the bad MILs. Please remember, that cycle is just starting - all my age group friends are just becoming MILs & I see that the new trend has come to stay, sadly ! Before getting their sons married, many of my friends come to me, ofcourse, you know, why ! The approach to life is changing with each generation & the present day exposure. One has to put in real effort & work hard to be a good MIL ! It is not easy at all, even if one revelutionises one's thinking ! Let me not go on & on - I too wait for Sridhar's views on the subject !
    Love,
    Chithra.
     
  8. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    I bow down to those nice words, Chitra!

    Dear Chitra,
    Your post ( I mean the first one) was so nice that I did not want to sign off a hurried reply. Let me respond to you point by point.
    Thanks for the nice words about my ability to analyse a woman's mind. Believe me, a woman's mind is far more complex than the Indian Income Tax laws which I have to analyse every day for my living. But I don't know whether my wife will agree with you on this compliment. She will have a different version, as all wives have. As they say no man is a hero to his wife.
    Yes, Chitra, Malathi and Parvathi share a lot of common traits. They hated the actions and the words of the person, and not the person herself.
    I am not glorifying women, I am just giving them the right place and showing them in proper light.
    No, Raji approached her mil straightaway. Carried over by feelings of remorse that she had treated her mil with cruelty, and bowled over by feelings of fear that her husband was ready even to throw her away she ran to the only person in the world who can give her the real support.
    When there is a bad dil, there has to be a good dil. Like the way I dress normally. A light colour pant and a dark colour shirt. Or the other way round. If both mil and dil are good, it would be very bland and there would be no story in it. If both are evil, well, let's not just think about it.
    I do agree with you Chitra, that there are many bad dils as well. For more on this, pease see my next reply to Shakthi, you and Sharada.
    I am proud and happy that your dil is daughter in love to you. The term was first coined by Swami Renganathananda, (now no more) of RK Mission.
    And all the young ladies in IL even though some of them might have suffered under bad mils, are going to treat their dils as daughters-in-love. You lead the pack.
    love and regards,
    sridhar
     
  9. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    I have to come between Shakthi, Sharada and Chitvish!

    It is comfortable for us to believe that bad dils are a handful compared to bad mils!. Honestly my personal experience tells me that nothing could be farther from the truth. In general goodness and evil are distributed almost equally all over the world with the balance tilting slightly on the good side. Bad dils and bad mils are almost equal in number.
    And I am afraid with the onset of nuclear families the number of bad dils are on the increase. Even in this thread we have heard stories of bad dils - like Vandhana's ex sister in law.
    Unfortunately the percentage of mils having computer access and mils who would come out open about bad dils are less. This creates an optical illusion that bad mils are more.
    Observing history I would say bad mils were there in the earlier times, upto even eighties. Nineties and the new millenium belong to bad dils. One way to cross check this fact is the raising number of old age homes.
    If any member has got some facts on this all of us would love to hear.
    regards,
    Varalotti
     
  10. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    Shakthi, I Owe You One!

    Dear Shakthi,
    It was you who introduced me to this site. You did a favour to me as well. Yes I still love The Promise and it is one story which is being widely circulated throughout the net.
    Thanks for comparing me with Visu. But Shakthi, any day I would prefer to be Varalotti, enjoying the love and affection of some of the world's most gracious ladies in IL.
    All your nice words would inspire me to write more and better.
    regards,
    Varalotti
     

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