5 Reasons why I need a divorce.....

Let me suggest you to go through this forum WELL ! Each of the reason you suggested has been a problem in atleast one member's life..

May I request you to search in the keywords from all the pointers you mentioned and read through the problems and the suggestions ??

Do that.. see for yourself wether women have handled all of the pointers you mentioned and have been successful in that ..

You will understand that " You are giving up too soon, for reasons that just needs good handling " ! I would write more a little later, but want you to go through various posts " related " to your pointers before that.

All I can write before signing off is, Hang in there.. Dont give up trying. YOUR PROBLEMS CAN DEFINITELY BE SOLVED !!

 

I'll tell you something on similar line with Preethi. Pls go through the stories of all those that went for a divorce.

Secondly, non-consumation of marriage is an issue by itself. When you are not emotionally attached to him you can never think of physical relationship.

Looks like you expected a lot and got something else. If there's something more serious, you can voice it out here.

 

All your other points can be addressed. Am irked by this non consummation after 2 yrs. This scares me the most in your case. Why? Have you tried finding out the reason? Is it more from your side or his side? Please fix that and you can work on the rest. How can there be no intimacy in 2 yrs?

 

Hi Friend,

Looking at your problems, I sense that there is this one fundamental problem in your relationship and that one problem is germinating the other problems. That one problem being "intimacy".
"If there is good sex life in your marriage, then it accounts for 10% of your happiness, but is there is no sex, then, it accounts for 90% of your problems". The basic and natural glue that holds the couples together seems to be missing in your case. I think you need to tackle it right away. You need to have serious discussions with your husband regarding this and try for some counseling that might help you in this regard. Once you begin to address this major problem, you will get more clarity on handling the other problems.

 

Girl...I didnt understand this point...You call yourself introvert...and you say being in a metro area you went out for partying/dancing/drinking...so are you an introvert or partying and going out kind???:bonk

Now before wedding...most of the single guys may/may not have touch with friends who are married/who have family..might be they all call each other or meet once in a while...single guys often share apt/expenses and thats where the story ends..not everyone makes good friends around...having said that..YES there are guys out there who have good friends and neighbours no matter whether they are single/married...

Also If you had made neighbours and he is not able to gel well...might be you cant change his 20+ yrs of nature in just 2 yrs isnt it??? give him some time..may be he would come along... why dont you arrange for game nights or short mall visits or some card games or some potlucks...here in US no one would stick around...everyone needs their own privacy..that includes your neighbours / friends too...may be they are leaving you alone as they want you both to have some time together...and might be they think you would call or meet them when ever you are free...keep at it..am sure your husband would come along!!!

By the way every women who comes on H4 to US goes through some initial period of loneliness/depression but you got to shake yourself out of it, take up some hobbies, learn some thing new , join classes...add value to your resume and who knows in future you may get achance to work..even with out that you have so many things to do being a house wife..

Now how many of the posts on IL have this problem!!!! you have to figure out a way to work aroudn things...there are people out there who have bigger issues..like being abused...being harrassed or controlled...so in comparison to those can we say you are in a better position..

OK you MIL holds your husbands' hand when she comes to US...might be she is feeling insecure..she is not gonna stay all the while right?? for few months let her have her way..whats wrong in it?? (that too when you know your husband takes your side during arguments:coffee)

NEVER expect or even think remotely that a husband has to break off his ties with his parents...can you do that???yes when the parents get old son/ daughter have to take care of them..I just dont understand...where is the humanity or atleast min. concern for elderly people here???? most of the inlaws behave like your inlaws..but we have to work a way out of all this...but not expect to snatch away a son from his parents!!!! how would you feel if you have a kid and some one snatches away and doesnt want you to be around anymore??? can you take that??? (Get your expectations right!!!)

Figure out a way to solve or deal with what your MIL does / acts...but dont try to make this as the issue for your marriage problems..

Ofcourse this is the biggest REASON...of all the ones you mentioned...Any particular reason?? did you approach him? did you try to be intimate or atleast try to hold his hands or sit closely with him??? did he try anytime to come near you?? if not...how about trying it from your end itself??? if you tried all this...why dont you try asking your husband and having a open talk with him as to what is it thats bothering him or keeping him away??? can you both go to a therapist???

Every women who comes on H4 is having this problem...you are not alone in this!! but people pick it up from there...find out what can be done and get it done...wont blame the marriage for ruining the career..if you were so career oriented you should have told your husband you can come only on H1 ...or you should have made it clear to him about your expectaitons on career before wedding itself...


If you have given all good qualities about your husband..I personally see nothing wrong in your relationship..except for the intimacy ....might be you have to start picking it up from there and work on this on how to get it fixed...and move forward...

We all point out westerners saying , women in western countries divorce husbands because the husband snores etc..etc...now out of all the reasons you mentioned I have not seen a single point which should actually make you take that decision of divorce....EVERY PROBLEM can be fixed provided we are willing to try to fix it...If you had already tried to fix it..please let us know how you did it!!

By the way in what way does that temporary separation help you???? ask yourself what are you expecting at the end of the day!! If you want to give him time to think about some thing...then yes temporary separation would help...but did you ever have a discussion with him..if yes about what??? because all the above points except physical intimacy...seem very silly and very common...

Think it over....(having said all the above..I am just assuming..might be when you started posting your problem on IL..you got more emotional and used that word divorce...)

 

Dear

could you pls..pls..try to read your post again...you seem so confused...you have everything you want..but still you want something ...and what is that something you dont know!!!

Define what are your expectations!!! what you expect from marraige from husband from future...many problems in marriage are due to this...

Take a pen and paper...make haves and have nots... list what all you have on one side and what you dont have on the other...Now take what you dont have..and come up with a plan on whehter you can work on them and get them....

Remember you are a grown up and you have a very loving and caring husband...which is the most imp. need for a relationship...he even takes your side..thats another most imp need...with these 2 imp things satisfied...you can make all good out of your marriage..provided you are willing to...

Hmm...if you are feeling lonely during holiday time...come up with a group trip plan with your neighbours or friends...whoever you know..chk what are they doing...invite them over to your house one weekend and the same would be returned the next holiday....by them...or plan for a visit to the near by mall...call up your friends and family in India and get in touch with them...go out to visit the holiday decorations..you have so many options to do ..provided you take time out to come up with the list of what can be done and execute it...

So what happened why are you not able to get a job ?? you know the market is a bit down now..so is it that you are taking your frustration of not able to get a job on the marriage???? ask yourself!!! Also pls dont think that its easy to get a job in India....this recession had hit every country and things are a bit slow every where....

I am asking you this again..pls tell me what is it that you want to figure out??? whether to be in this marriage or not?? because whatever reasons you have given are not really appealing to me!! unless there is anymore reasons ....

do you want your husband to come to India and settle down there??? no you dont want that!! reason...you dont want to live with hismom under the same roof...by living far far away in a diff. country if your husband talks to his mom for an hour in a day you are not able to bear it..what if he is in India and daily he goes to his mom for sometime and comes back or if he doesnt agree to stay away from his mom what then???

Some how I am thinking you have very unrealistic expectations..you are not rational and sorry to say ...you sound a bit self centered..and you want everyone to hover around you (by the way you dont even know what you want from people thats another glitch here:bonk)am i right??? if not pls explain what are your expectations clearly...sometimes talking out penning down thoughts helps a lot to understand our own feelings.

Ok good..you dont want to keep the mother and son apart...but whats bothering you??? that your MIL is mentally imbalanced...as the age sets in most of the old people behave wierd here n there...they start acting all childish...they will cry at very silly reasons...even if your MIL was irrational...your husband clarifies it to her and takes your side..so whats your fear?? whats the problem here?? Why would people make fun of you?? why do you accuse people that they will feel sorry for you!! no way....I have seen DILs who put bed pans for their elderly inlaws...atleast your case is not that worst....by the way I dont pity those DILs..I salute them for their patience and being considerate to their inlaws.


Sweetheart..you seem really confused and clueless on what you want!!! about the job and unknown fear of nothing!!! really you have to behappy that you have everything in life..just that you have to open your eyes and see whats around..we often think grass is greener on the other side..beleive me..thats not true

 

Dear girl,

I have been married for the past 4 years now and dont have that much of experience to share with you about your woes but I understand some aspects of what you are talking about.

I have a husband who is relatively quiet. Compared to me.. i'm more outgoing and like to open up to people and things like that. He is more on the quiet side, but having said that we have had our own issues adjusting to our marriage and have come to love each other. I have given away some of my expectations of wanting him to be different and I'm sure he has let go of some of his expectations and accepted me for who i am and therefore love me for that.

While those most of your issues can be worked on, being intimate, though a single issue, can be somethign more. I had a friend who had the same problem. He husband would not want to consumate the marriage. No reason, they even went to a doctor, but he never was honest with the doc either.

My friend ultimately annuled the marriage (if you dont consummate, you dont need to divorce, it wont stay on your records.. you can annul it) I believe that your husband might have more of an issue with his sexuality. I'm not suggesting anything. Use your best judgement, seek the help of a professional cousilor etc and see how it goes. Intimacy is important, but love is even more important. If you both dont have feelings for each other, then its hard to stay strong in times of extreem stress.

I wish you all the best and pray that you make the decision that is best for the both of you.

- sapna

 

First write the top 5 important things in a marriage for you, write the top 5 important qualities in a husband, do a match.

I recently read a major percentage of women never ever find their dream man. If you are looking for a dream man, who will sweep you off your feet, it may or may not happen. Do you have a responsible partner, who will take care of you, love you and is family oriented, you are lucky.

Several of us who are divorced here, came out of the marriage because of unacceptable behavior.

If you have a son, you'll expect your son to be by your side always. You say you dont like your MIL's behavior and is embarrassing. You need to elaborate on that. Most of the elders who travel abroad try to adapt to that system. They have a child like desire to adapt and return home and talk big. This includes my parents too. They see their children having something which they did not have or cannot have. They realize that dream through their children.

At times we must treat elders like kids. Is your MIL unscruplous, sly, trying to harrass you mentally, intervenes in your relationship with your husband? I know of parents who have become permanent residents of the US because of their children.

Validate your fears, if there is something more than what is written here, you need to come out and discuss.

How interested are you in sex, how interested is your husband in it? It looks as if both of you are not interested. If it is with only one, there will be tremendous frustration and even otherwise there will be tremendous frustration that will lead to abuse. I don't read anything like this. Have you both accepted a platonic relationship? If you have both accepted it and are comfortable with that, why complain?