3.5 years old pressurized in playschool

Souza · Aug 17, 2013

Hi there,

Got a problem, need your advices plz....

My son is 3.5 years old. He goes to a playgroup in a reputed school. Its been 2 months since his class started. He is a very active and a naughty kid. Offlate as a mother I have noticed him behave in an unusual way.

We have potty trained him when he was 11/2 years old, and since then, he has had very rare potty accidents. But, he has been regularly wetting his shorts from 2 months in the class, ( from the time he started going to school), he refuses to go to toilet in the school, teachers sometimes don't bother to change his shorts, even though I have given them spare shorts and underwears. As a punishment for urinating, teachers make him sit in the wet shorts all through he class hours, and in the noon when I go to pick him up, they bring him in those dirty shorts infront of all parents and students, its embarrassing . I have many times tried to sort this matter with the school but they are not co-operative. The class teacher and the staff co-ordinator blame me and the kid and don't wish to take any responsiblity as they are worried about their reputation and prestige.
With no help from them, I started wearing him diaper, initially he refused to wear it, as he wasn't used to it for longtime, but got used to it.

Add to this, they give him lots of punishments for being naughty or for not writing or holding the pencil the way teacher or the school wants him to. One of the teachers even put him in a very dark room for a specified time for being naughty.

I could no longer see my son behave differently, was worried if all this could affect that little brain. Tried many times speaking to him and collect information, sometimes he would tell othertimes when questioned more he would change the topic.Finally, went to see a counsellor. He told her that the class helper, while assisting him to the toilet, would touch his private part and help him peee. Since, he is already potty trained, he doesn't like the way she touches his private part (pp), as he says she would pull pp out and would not let him hold it and it would be painful for him and that's y refused to go to school toilet. He even told the counsellor about his punishments and the teachers name who punished him.

Now the counsellor has asked me to stop wearing him diapers, speak to his class teacher and also the school counsellor and request them to take him to toilet along with other kids, never alone, and let the helper just remove the zip and rest he would manage on his own. And regarding his pencil holding style, she says he writes legibly and his way of holding a pencil doesn't look bad and as long as he is comfortable that way let the school not force him as his motor skills will be affected. Also she has requested me not to tip the school that we are seeing a counsellor outside the school and inform her the changes after a week.

Now my concern is speaking part with the school. I have spoken to them so many times, am feeling awkward to go to them and speak about the same matter again. They have not been helpful so far and am wondering if speaking again to them would do any good.

ramyav_cse · Aug 17, 2013

You have done the right thing by taking him to a counsellor. If the school teacher refuses to listen, escalate to the higher management. Also keep looking for a better school n transfer him asap. No child deserves this treatment. I would even sue them should the need be.

Souza · Aug 17, 2013

Hi Ramya,

Thanks for the reply. Escalating the matter to the Principal can be done incase class teacher and school counsellor don't co-operate, but leaving the school and admitting him to another is difficult, as the schools have closed admission for this year academic year, moreover it will be closing time of one semester now

teacher · Aug 17, 2013

OP,
For a 3.5 yr old to share this occurrence the counselor must have been very good!
If you think that the effects of this will last only as this particular behavior (not going to the bathroom) let me give you a different perspective. Control or interference (to any degree) of biological needs leave lasting impressions in children. It willlead to behavioral problems.

You have to evaluate the discomfort in tackling non responsive teachers and/or administration, and your child's sense of self worth. There is no room to be 'nice'.
Touching your child's body parts and the reason you mention is also abuse...intent or gender/role do not matter.

Do complain to the administration, do talk to the other parents and raise awareness on the role of the ayahs/helpers, do convince your child that he has the voice to say 'no' to anyone touching his private parts. If the administration doesn't respond, write to the newspapers... bring it to the attention of the public in some way.

You are not the only parent going thru this. This is an endemic problem in our schools because the are no regulations or monitoring of the 'bathroom' routine. It leaves lasting impressions on your child.

I can tell you this, if it had been my child who was made to sit in wet pants, had his private parts touched or locked up in a dark room, that school's reputation would be mud by now! You need to bring such matters out in the open and go on the offensive. Can you think of any other situation where you'll have so much at stake?

You should have gone to the admin right away!

Dinny · Aug 17, 2013

I completely agree to what teacher had to say.
Teach your child to say NO when he has to face such situations.
And there are higher authorities(management etc) to whom you can complain.

But changing the school sounds the most sane decision as of now,if possible.The school authorities might not coopearte even after a complaint.

Take care

zainabsarfraz · Aug 17, 2013

i too agree with Teacher, children should learn to raise their voice in such situations.

Vasuma09 · Aug 17, 2013

I totally agree with teacher ....Please speak to your child incharge at school if they are not responsive raise this issue to principal, dont ever had any hesitation regading this matter...How dare they put the child in dark room...making him to sit with wwet pant for the whole session is just too much..Most of the chilren starts to write only by 4 years.giving punishment for not holding pencil properly at this age is way too much..My son isalos 3.5 yrs old and he is going to school since 10 months now..He is also very active and naughty and they too had a timeout session and punishment corner at his school..and max tim is around 2 mins for punishement corner ....Be bold to raise this issue so that you can be a rolemodel for other parents who are under same situation...

Souza · Aug 18, 2013

Hi Teacher,

I have interacted with few parents of my son's classmates and few from senior classes. Though some of them faced same kind of problem, these parents are hesitating to speak about the problems faced by their kids , they are either concerned about their family reputation or fear that if they complain staffs might take grudge on the children or they are ignoring the problems and moreover even if anybody raises the voice against the school, the chances of school winning is higher than us. As the school belongs to a famous university, they have schools, hospitals, universities all over india and gulf countries and they are highly influential.

However, I don't want my son to suffer, I know hw childhood bad experiences can have a lasting impression on our mind, will give a try again speaking to the class teacher and school counsellor and give them sometime to sort the problem and in the meantime lookout for another school if its possible

Dinny · Aug 18, 2013

Souza
That should make your task easier.A reputed school/unuversity would take prompt action against such cases.I dont think they will put their reputation at stake for just a teacher and helper.
And souza you still sound apprehensive about reporting it to senior authorities.Just because other people havent reported it doesnt mean you sit and bear silently whatever they do to your child.
Worst is, it is already bringing behavioral changes in your child.
Every child has the right to fair and a good educational experience.

teacher · Aug 18, 2013

OP,
I don't dispute that taking this to the administration will be a stressful decision...but your anger at what your child has been put through should trump every other consideration. Yes, most of these places have a lot of influence and they know they can pull strings. They bank on the fact that only a very small minority of parents speak out. What will happen if you speak out? At the most you will have to take your child out of that school...won't you take your child out if there was any other form of danger? He may have to go to a middle of the range school...but you will be able to expose him to other means of learning and continue to challenge him. His learning will not stop if he has to leave this school...from what you say he is not available to learn in the classroom anyway.

The trauma of sexual abuse is intensive and life long. Children need to know that their parents will stand up for them. It teaches them that while some adults use them others can be trusted. Retaining the ability to trust is crucial for his well being and his future relationships-with friends, family, spouse, children...

I know i am being pushy here but I don't want to minimize the impact...your counselor should help as well. In fact your post disturbed me so much that I kept mulling over it. While the counselor was able to get your child to talk I am surprised at the advice. Unfortunately it is not uncommon even for professionals in the field to not want to rock the boat! I know of one parent who was advices by the counselor not to report it and another who sent a child who had been abused back to his village without addressing the trauma or tackling the predator.

You can educate your child in any environment...it will take some level of creativity on your part but your child will not suffer for it.