17+ Years On. Cannot Forget, Cannot Bond

First of all hugs to you. I am so glad that you went to therapy and have identified the trauma and the aftereffects.

I am in the same boat as yours, except that my MIL is still alive and thankfully I dont have a SIL , my MIL more than makes up for it.
Here is what I understood from my journey
1. You don't have closure to the trauma from the people who caused it.
2. You have not received validation and acknowledgement from your husband about the trauma that was caused by him and his folks
3. You have not received an apology, and if you have - you have not yet received it in the way that YOU want.

Let me tell you what worked for me. First, I went to therapy WITH my husband. I did a couple of sessions where I told him face to face about the trauma he caused. The therapist was able to steer our conversation, so we didnt end up arguing. Outside the therapist session, we didnt talk about this topic ( from past experiences, it would just end up in huge fights). At the final session, the therapist asked me what I wanted him to do ? Obviously he cannot undo his past, so I told her "For now, I want him to say that his behavior was wrong , his mom's behavior was wrong and I want him to apologize". He did. At that moment, I felt there was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
Second, I started seeing my husband as the "one before" and the "one after". So every time I would get mad about the past, I would tell him directly " I am SO mad at the before-you, and its triggering me.. So I am going to NOT talk to you for a while ". It helped me immensely to separate the two personas out.
I also worked on myself and consciously stopped talking about the past in every argument. Its tough, considering that my MIL is still alive and sometimes my husband goes back to that "old self" to please his mom. But I think thats a problem I will have to live with for now, considering how much he has changed. I will take it.

Work on yourself, keep reminding yourself about how much he has changed, and come vent here when it becomes uncontrollable. Wish you all good vibes

 

People make mistakes whether he did knowingly or unknowingly is something you shouldn't dissect . But he has changed and you have opportunity to build a new life and memories with him. Don't hold yourself back. Take this as a new life. Keep working with the therapist on the side and make sure you have a healthy way of directing your anger

At the end if your husband is someone who can be easily manipulative then you be the armor and protect him from getting manipulated. Always there are grey areas in life. So just focus on what is important for you. Telling spouse whether they should talk or not talk to their siblings is something I wouldn't recommend. That is kind of unhealthy relationship. You have every right to protect your personal space but you cannot direct another person's life.

I personally feel you are overly dramatic like MIL calling your family followed by husband confronting them is best your husband can do. I'm not sure what you want your husband to do in this situation. If you grew up in India these are very common.
How can someone ruin your weekend plan ? Does she live close by?

 

I remember your posts from earlier, Tulipzz. I am happy that at least some things seem to have changed for the better for you. It is hard to let go of the past, but it will hinder your present and future if you keep ruminating. I understand what you’re saying about your husband’s old avatar. You have a sense that justice was not done to you and you are right. Perhaps you can ask him to go to couples counseling with you.
You have done the work on yourself with therapy. If your husband hasn’t done so, encourage him to see a therapist for himself.

 

And you dont have to trust either .
The two personas are in our mind, remember?

I don't trust my husband as much as I did either. Which is why I said, this requires some fine tuning. I had to sit with myself and first decide, what was bigger - my mistrust of him or my love for him? I realized I DID love him, and I WANTED to make this relationship work.

If the answer you get is also the same, then you will need to make your foundations stronger. 100% expect him to go back to being manipulative. But this time, you are prepared, you openly communicate the moment you see him turning and you make sure he KNOWS that you won't take his ******** anymore. That is how I deal with it.

In my case, every time MIL visits from India, or sometime even through her phone conversations, the little momma's boy DOES rear its head. So, if it's an issue I CAN ignore, I let it go. If it's a bigger issue and needs to be "dealt with", I tell my husband very firmly and without mincing words that his actions are causing me hurt and that I will not take it sitting back. I look at the little boy and his mom and say, "you no longer scare me, and you can no longer hurt me ".

Thankfully momma and sonny boy have learnt to leave me alone. But it took me 2 years to get here. LOT OF WORK.

 

@tulipzz,

You have been diagnosed with PTST and I am sure you are still continuing with the treatment. I am glad you have made this wonderful step to recover quickly.

With respect to your husband, either he is 100/100 or he is not. How can he be 100/100 but can be manipulated by the presence of his family? It looks like you would like to feel happy that he is under control now and simultaneously feel he could drift away anytime. You need to work a lot at your end to overcome this ordeal. I know it is hard to forget what had happened but reliving that in your head makes it even worse.

Whenever someone is suffering from PTST or depression, the doctors always tell their spouses to be considerate and sympathetic to the feelings of the patient and ask them not to react much to what they have to say. Is your husband doing that or he actually changed his mind understanding what you had been through? If that is the case, you need to quickly get out of reliving the past and lead a happy life with your family. There is no one in this world who can confidentlly say that they are flawless. Just imagine when you had outburst of arguments with your husband, he took it patiently despite being soft with his family. It is not his fault but his family's fault for which he took the punishment. It is really hard to be confronting people you love the most. You will recognize this better when your children become adults.

You have to remember it is not what others did to you that bothers you but how your mind reacts to those actions. So work on your reactions. When those who bother you come to know that you are still reacting they would feel as mission accomplished. Why do you give that pleasure to them? On the contrary, you should put up a bold face that none of their actions are hurting you in anyway. They will shy away once they know that you are no longer hurting. You have to convince your mind not to react anymore. Once you do that, You can confidently say to your husband that none of what they do was going to hurt you. That will be the day you would be able to live peacefully. If you are not peacefully internally, it is going to show up in your actions outside. You yourself say that it is hurting the children much. They are probably at a life time where they need a lot of love and should not be seeing a lot of confrontations. How you react to the situation is pretty much under your control. You can make the children's life wonderful by controlling your mind.

The fact that you had mentioned about your children here shows that your heart is longing for a happy life for them and your peace of mind. This is something entirely in your hands. Why think about the past and make the children feel unhappy at their prime age? They will eventually emulate what they experience as children and hence it is my humble suggestion to hug and tell them that their life and happiness is much more important to you than your own hurt feelings of the past.

I am sure you would do the right thing to recover from this soon. My best wishes are with you.

Viswa