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13 Year Old Talk Back All The Time

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by manjur, Nov 6, 2017.

  1. manjur

    manjur Senior IL'ite

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    friends,
    my13 year old talk back all the time.she watches tv or phone all time. if i tell to study she argues or not listen to me. i will have to tell her to comb her hair or oil hair many times otherwise she goes without doing it for weeks.she watches same movies a thousand times but won't even fold herclothes.
    i tried to be friendly with her from childhood. but i now feels like a servant or her enemy. she tells my cooking is worst. i fear her little sister grows up copying her behaviour
    i told my husband ,and he got angry at her after
    watching her.then also she is mad at me
    i feel myself a failure. i was keen on staying at home growing up kids(as my mother was working i spend lonely childhood) .but i get this from my kid

    if anyone have daughter in this age group pla tell what mistake i didi
     
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  2. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, try to have open two way conversation with ur daughter regarding ur expectations from her as well as understand what she wants and come to middle ground
    She is in ealy teens ,so there will be mood swings . it is understandable. Little patience can do wonders from ur side. U r a good mom . Don't worry.
     
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  3. sarajara

    sarajara Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Manju!

    I am penning here after a long long time and the first post is yours.I am little relieved reading your post! I'm not alone. Now one good news for you.

    My daughter is just 9 done and running 10 and every word of yours echoes my situation!

    I had found out one thing. My daughter watches a cartoon show named" Shin chan".I somehow felt that this particular show was not interested to me becuase it sounded all noisy chatter . Especially my daughter had the luxury of the customised language to her mother tongue.

    One day i paid some attention tothe show and found that the boy in the show was really putting down his parents and their efforts with sarcasm all the time.The so called hero of the show on which the show has been titled is a school going boy with a toddler sister.

    The guy doesnt have a regard for his parents instead spits out sarcasm on each and everything they miss out.Off late there are a lot of shows that might affect the mind of the kids. Hence we need to pay attention to what they are watching.


    My daughter is a regular audience for doraemon where the kid always gets someone to do his works at home and homework and always ends up being late for school or for other special classes.Believe me or not , my duaghter is always late for her tutions or classes by atleast10 minutes.

    My DD watches lifehack videos, kitchen cleaning hacks and has a comment for all that small thing i'm putting my hands on.


    Now i am trying to regulate what she watches and it pays off. I allow her to watch little krishna, chota bheem etc.. thankfullly that doesnt have any abusive languages. two days away from shinchan and her way of talking changed.

    now she again wants to tune into shin chan because the kid cracks jokes. But i am restraining her from watching them.Hope her behaviour settlesdown soon.

    This might be the same case with your daughter, Children are kids only till they are 18 or 19.. they may look bigger in size but yet tiny at heart. Try and waatch over your lil one for a couple of days and try to change things that might be affecting her without her knowledge.

    You keep her mind occupied with good inspirational videos and have some activity or craft time together. They would soon be back to normal.

    W:thumbup:ishing you all the Best!
     
  4. Jananimudaliyar

    Jananimudaliyar New IL'ite

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    Me too in the same situation but my daughter is in 10th standard and she doesnt want to pick her book at all. I have packed the TV but my phone is there always. I just dont know how to handle her. she is bored with our advices. she wants someone else to do her chores. she is not bothered about studies at all. I just dont know what to do.
     
  5. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Handling teenage is a big headache for parents especially girls. So yes you are not alone.
    So dont thing of yourself as a failure. I feel you are overwhelmed and are tackling too many things and being too harsh on yourself.
    Was she like this always, or it it a more recent behaviour, like last 1-2 years?

    My experience has been that children need boundaries. And need consistency and firmness. You are her mother first , and friend second. she can have hundred friends but she has only you as a mother. Have confidence in your abilities.

    There may be 50 things that you feel she is not doing right. But zoom in on 2 or 3 most important things. And try to get it right. Everyone in the family has duties. And somethings like phone should be a privilege. If she doesnt do her duties, her privileges will be taken away.

    Focus on those few items and dont nag her about other things as far as possible. Slowly work your way and regain the authority as a mother.

    Have no phone/TV time zone. Be firm. Discuss with your DH what you plan and get his buy-in and then inform the children. Present a united front, it is important for the child to get the message that they cannot manipulate one parent against the other. Yes it takes effort to be firm and consistent. But we need to be.

    If she is critiquing a dish you made - like the sambar is not having that flavour, the vegetables are over cooked, not spicy, too salty, or something like that then acknowledge that.
    But if is passing general statements like "your cook is the worst", do tell her she is being very mean and disrespectful. Maybe she can come to the kitchen and cook something good before passing judgement. Till then ask her to keep her opinions to herself.

    Dont worry too much, she is 13, turning an adolescent is not easy. They have their own emotional ups and downs and often take out their frustrations on mothers. That is their one venue where she knows she will be always loved. Be at it. Relentlessly. Forgive her all the time and be there for her. She will not do all the things you say but she will learn what is right and what is wrong. Things get better as they get older and become more mature.
     
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  6. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @manjur 13 eh!! Long time time flies

    @sarajara you too hope things are otherwise fine.

    I agree with @SunPa. Limits and discipline. Being her friend does not mean she can do as she likes.

    Be the firm mother and available confidante friend. The lines need to be defined without making it harsh on your daughter at 13 Manju else she will clam up.

    As parents we allow them to be kids and do not want to give them chores at 4 or 5 because she or he is kid. What we miss is the wonderful window where you teach them the teamwork, the dignity of labor and more.

    Suddenly at 13 we wake up and worry the kid is not even folding her clothes. Hugs nothing personal it is just a observation from where I stand

    It is not just tv that kids learn. They learn observing us. So next time see how you react when you are frustrated do you raise your voice. Do you bang things. We will be surprised.
    P
    Communication is the key. When you are not feeling bad and when she is not in a receptive mode sit down and talk. It is not going to be a list like did not list.
    Tell her you understand that she is learning to be assertive by talking back and though you appreciate it feel bad that it is at the wrong place and wrong situation. That as her mom, you want her to learn to be responsible for herself and when you ask her to keep her room though it is a big help for you, is more about her keeping it clean. Unless she practices she will never learn and this is the time to start. Appreciate the positives and encourage to do more. And tell her just as she learns from people around her sister will be looking up to her. Though you are not trying to load an added responsibility of being her role model, would she want to be one. Leave the choice to her but you are giving her the picture her sister is looking up on her.

    Pick your battles wisely. Have ground rules about things. Tv time, phone time or games or whatever you want her to do.

    Talk to her about what is acceptable and what will not be tolerated. And encourage her to talk about issues that are troubling her. Peer pressure and pressure and expectations are great dampers at this stage. Being realistic, being supporting and not being too critical,no comparisons helps.

    My kids say my parents did not expect us to be perfect, be the best student or anything. They wanted us to be better us, the better us than yesterday probably that worked for us.

    Hang in there.. hair pulling frustrations walk away telling them right now you are angry and do not want to talk when in anger and will get back to the issue when we are both in better frame of mind. Not only it allows us to think cooler we are teaching them managing their anger and reactions better.

    Be there be supportive yet firm and kids turn out wonderful friends for life
     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2017
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  7. manjur

    manjur Senior IL'ite

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    thankyou. sindmani patience is what i am using now
     
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  8. manjur

    manjur Senior IL'ite

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    thank you sarajara shewatchesmovies a lot
    yeswhen wehave small kid i treat. older one as big. i will see that
     
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  9. manjur

    manjur Senior IL'ite

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    thamkyousunpa i liked it
     
  10. manjur

    manjur Senior IL'ite

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    do you remember me
    my mistake is i didn't draw the line between friend and parent. i was careless
     
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