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How do you interpret living separate from ILs?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ShilpaMa, Dec 21, 2009.

  1. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    There could be various reasons why we're not staying with ILs namely:
    1) Due to career aspiration.
    2) Some move out due to intolerable behaviours.
    3) Some families by default set up their son's house separate post marriage.

    Mine is case#1 where we went out with the consent of all family members even before any unfriendly event could have occured. However till date my MIL paints me as a home breaker.. who snatched her son away.
    For them distance relationship is no relationship & its equivalent to isolating them.. they're not internet savvy & need to have full control on your house & you to be called a part of family. God alone knows why did they even agree to let us go... cos during marriage they never disclosed our going to another city to their own daughter or other relatives.

    Now according to me the best setup in these days for most of the homes if affordable is to have separate apartment in the same complex or tower so that each gets their own space & support mechanism.

    Recently my SILs DH bought 2 apt in same tower (1BHK & 3BHK) to get his ailing parents close to him.. who'd gone to their native long back due to difficult relations.. to this my MIL says that its a waste of money as for the same amnt they cud have bought a bigger house and not wasted on multiple servants / maintenance etc etc... & her ILs if they were not able to cope up then shud have stayed in their native with other relatives.

    According to me multiple servant fees/ maintenance cost/ electricity bill are of a lesser value when compared to the peace of mind & equal justice to the DIL & MIL.... What do you say?
     
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  2. ashwinispace

    ashwinispace New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Let me understand properly, your MIL calls you a home breaker because you and your husband are not staying with them and Your MIL says that it is costly to take and manage a house for your SIL if her in-laws stays with them. Am I understood correctly?
     
  3. Aarthibhuvan

    Aarthibhuvan Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    In my case it was due to my husband's career. Intially when i got married we were staying to gether. My husband lost his job in India . He got a job in Dubai.

    Since his family was not that well off, we had to make a choice and a big decision. I had to stay with my inlaws along with my daughter for 4 years, till his sister got married and My BIL got a good job and settled in life.

    Now we are here in Dubai and ILs in india. Relationship is very fine and with lots of love caring and affection between us.( we and ILS)
     
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  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Ashwini.. yes thats the perfect understanding..
    Also once my SIL mentioned on call that instead of the money that they waste on annual visit to her ILs in a village where even a courier person doesn't go, she could have bought a fridge from that money....
    This despite being when her DH is highly paid & gifts her diamonds. Am sure he can very well pay off maintenaces of 5 houses in a go.

    When it comes to my MIL she herself never visited her ILs.. not even their funerals.. now when my DH has not seen annual visit to grandparents but always vacations to tourist locations he himself plans for travels... but she feels that I fill him to not to visit them.... as if she doesn't know her son.. who won't even wait for me or kids but plan his own vacations for many parts of the year while am just baby sitting.
     
  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I feel prevention is the best cure. Live seperately from day one, and avoid the million of problems that come from living in a joint family.
     
  6. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    We are staying abroad because of my DH's job. But, even otherwise we prefer staying separately. I have a cordial relationship with in-laws.But overtime, i have realised that our lifestyles are poles apart.

    Eg: I am an indoor-girl whose idea to spend a weekend is to relax, cook a nice meal, watch your fav show on TV, read a book and spend time with family. My in-laws love travelling around. On a weekend, they want to wake up at 5am and start off on a trip, visit as many friends and relatives they can and come home by 11pm. Also, my in-laws have a big social circle and the house is often crowded with friends and relatives visiting every now and then. I find this tiring - we will be busy cooking and cleaning for all the guests or we will be tired travelling all day on a weekend. To me it is too much that we miss the much needed break from work on a weekend.To me , weekend is the time to makeup for the family-time we miss on weekdays.Though I feel it is quite commentable that they have a good social circle, I am totally deprived of any privacy whenever I stay at their place. Even when me and DH have an afternoon nap, kids and family just barge into the bed room. Moreover, for every little thing in our life, everyone has 100s of suggestions and advices. Even sensitive issues like us trying to have a baby is open for discussion with MIL, FIL, SIL and her hubby.:hide:

    Now if anyone questions if these are not simple things and "cant you adjust?". Well, the answer is "Yes, I can adjust. But if I adjust to that level, I dont think I can be myself. And if I cant be myself, I cant be happy".I know my inlaws mean good and are not the monster-in-laws like many other MILs. But then, staying together with them is just not a good idea.
     
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2009
  7. ashwinispace

    ashwinispace New IL'ite

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    Hi Shilpa,

    Very strange!!

    I have nothing to say. but, doesn't your MIL thinks that your SIL will be called as a home breaker if she doesn't stay with her in-laws. I think your MIL has set separate rules for her DIL and daughter.
     
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  8. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    ASG.. exactly.. why to wait for dirtsling match when you've got the indications.
    Reshu.. I completely have same opinion if there's a major difference in lifestyle then instead of expecting anyone to change.. stay v close to each other even as next door neighbour so that no one feels crushed... also why shud these be seen as something sad/ offending/ last resort... I feel this is IN thing today.. if you can afford it.
    Arthi .. you're really blessed to have such relations around.. needless to say that you must have also put a lot for smooth sailing.. then end result overall is positive.. Congrats!

    Ashwini.. yes she's her DD & as per my MIL..who's compeletely tormented by her MIL & her MIL is also a villager (despite she also lived in same metro for 4 decades) so in her opinion that lady is incapable of putting up to living std of a metro/ DIL irrespective to what the feelings of a son is in that house for his parents. Her undestandings are beyond my comprehension:bowdown.
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2009
  9. sujanags

    sujanags Gold IL'ite

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    Shilpa,

    Unfortunately I did not get an opportunity to live separately. We (me and DH) just got one year time to live in US alone.

    I am living with my in-laws together for the past 4 years. May be in the initial years of marriage, i felt that i wanted to move separately because of issues from in-laws. In reality, you cannot implement everything you dream. so I just accepted them as they are and continuing...
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2009
  10. feduptocore

    feduptocore Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Shilpa
    my reason for living separate is 1 & 2...PILs have been living in bangalore since FIL used to work here but never thought of settling down here after retirement. They always wanted to go back to FIL house in Kolkatta... but there was family dispute and they continued to stay here. Of late after MIL father died the siblings decided to break down ancestral house and make separate flats for each of them. So then FIL almost insisted that they should move away as atmosphere in the house was not good. so now MIL lives in Kolkatta and loves to do long- distance interference but there is so much peace in her absence!!!!
    The thought of her coming to visit is scary!!!
    Really when will PILs realise that they have lead their lives and now its our time and so why cause unpleasantness.
    K
     

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