Puzzled about in-law - DIL relationship

ILs choose bride based on family backround, money bride can bring in and external apprearance.

Once married, free money from DIL is additive. External appreance, which once they probably were proud of, will scare them after marriage since they assume that their son loves his wife for her external appreance only. ILs will become be constantly worrying about losing their son to this beautiful bride. Family background: They are going to claim that they have never seen such a nasty family before and the way the bride was brought is itself a proof for that (which is basically is, bride refusing to be a maid, inspite of bring in wealth).

This is my observation of bad ILs. So, it won't apply to good ILs. How to differentiate good ones from bad before marriage? That is a million dollar question! :drowning Good luck.

 

First of all, Janice, congratulations on your impending marriage.

Second of all, there are many things that can go wrong in ANY relationship. A MIL-DIL relationship is no different. After all, don't many NON-ARRANGED marriages, where the partners fall in love with, and pick, each other, end in divorce? Why is this? So it is with arranged marriages, where MILs pick out their DILs, but later on have issues with the same women that they (the mothers) themselves chose to be their sons' partners.

Furthermore, I would caution you from drawing any conclusions / generalizations about marriages or the MIL-DIL relationship, based solely on the messages that you read here. This forum is not representative of every Indian marriage and many women come to this forum with the explicit intention of sharing their problems, seeking advice and support. So, you rarely hear about other happy arranged marriages that are characterized by excellent MIL-DIL relationships. This is like visiting a divorce forum and then wondering if every marriage is doomed to fail because so many women are posting about their marriages ending!

I would also opine that you not jump to conclusions about your future in-laws based on what you read here. While your PILs may have reservations about accepting you - a foreigner - as a DIL, this does not necessarily mean that they would be evil or mis-treat you. They may actually be very good people who, despite initial misgivings, may be very good to, and accepting of, you as their son's chosen bride.

As for you being 'scared' about marrying into an Indian family, can you be sure that if you marry into your own kind, that you are guaranteed 'good' in-laws? There are good, bad and the downright ugly in every race / nationality, so it isn't as if ALL Indian families are evil, and out to ruin their DILs' happiness while every non-Indian family is loving and accepting of their DILs. In fact, MIL-DIL tensions seem to cross racial and cultural lines. Just google for 'difficult MILs' and the top websites you see will all ones where the majority of the posters (and their problematic MILs) are not Indian women!!! So, please do not enter your marriage with any preconceived notions, based on what you read here, as this is not at all fair to your future ILs or to your own self.

Good luck and best wishes for a very happy and prosperous married life to you! :thumbsup

 

Janice.. keep every word that Maya wrote.. in your mind... dont start in a marriage with pre-concieved notion.. take it as it comes....

In most of the ladies store/ section you must have read -- "goods once sold will not be exchanged or taken back - Strictly".
This applies to when they pick it on their own and not necessarily forced on to them .....
So its a strong female mentality of re-exploring/ comparing things once they get ownership to it.... u wud have rarely seen guys in exchange queue!!!!!

 

I think maybe you are wondering.... every culture has mil-dil problems, but why are Indian mil-dil problems so severe?

I have a couple ideas about this.

1. In Indian culture, SONS are obsessed over by many parents. Especially oldest sons because they are expected to take care of the parents no matter what. That often means the son is expected to fork over money once he is earning. But when a hot young woman enters the picture and the son starts to love her, be it through arranged or love marriage, the son's mother gets especially insecure. Unlike in many cultures where parents are content with the fact that spouse comes first, Indian mothers often believe that they should be FIRST in their son's life. This goes against the natural flow of nature, hence the son finds himself between a rock and a hard place... how to placate his jealous/insecure mother and how to live his life happy with wife. Because usually, the only thing that placates the mother is treating the wife bad. Men who have grown up hearing that 'parents happiness comes first' might be tempted to allow their mothers to rip into their wives, just so mom stays happy. When his wife protests the abuse, husband again has to make a choice whether to let it continue or to stop it. Either way, somebody gets their feelings hurt. If husband stops it, then wife lives happy. If husband joins in the abuse, well... see point number 2.

2. Why do mom's feel so emotionally/financially dependent on their sons? Well... refer back to answer #1. Suppose that same new wife gets abused by her mil, her own husband doesn't seem to love her or stand up for her, and all her dreams of married life come crashing down. Her quest for true love is shattered. But then, wife gets pregnant and has a son. As we all know, kids love their parents unconditionally when they are young. Suddenly the wife is getting the type of love and attention from her kid that she always longed for from her husband. As her husband continues to cling to his own mom, the wife turns to other avenues to get her emotional fullfillment (i.e. her kids). This need for love can turn into a deep rooted obsession. Many times the mother will begin to feel posessive over the son, as if she has full rights to decide everything in his life. Many times these Indian husbands will lavish their parents with gifts but pinch pennys for their wives. Or worse, they will fork over all the money to their parents and save nothing for their own future. This is where the financial dependence angle comes in. When the son starts to earn money, not only can the mother get love out of him, but also all the material stuff she was deprived of during marriage. If husband has blown all of retirement savings on his parents, the mother will also look to son to take care of those expenses too.

You might wonder why not get obsessed over daughters? Traditionally daughters left their parents house. You see, the mothers are looking for somebody to PERMANENTLY latch on to, and the only one who historically fits the bill is a son.

You definitely see mil-dil problems in other parts of the world, in other cultures. But as an Indian, I'm giving my honest to God opinon, that I feel nowhere on earth is the mil-dil relationship as vicious as it is in the Indian context. You don't see British folks burning their dil to death over dowry. You don't see Americans pouring acid over wives and dils the way Femina magazine reported an Indian muslim husband and mil doing. You don't see it... because it DOESNT happen in other cultures. Yes, there are mils who hate their dils in the west. But in the Indian culture, it is so pervasive... meaning it effects many people, from all sections of society. Some of my American friends deal with inlaws who don't like them. One of them was complaining about how her mil planned a family trip in such a way that my friend couldnt attend their visit to the M&M chocolate factory. Um.... that doesnt even hold a candle to what Indian mils are famous for... talking bad about a girls parents, acting posessive over sons, kicking girl out of the house, treating her like maid servant, getting involved in her personal matters, sometimes even hitting or killing her.

The problem is not just that there are problems in the Indian mil-dil relationship, it's that when there ARE problem, they are so so so bad. Indian women should not have to fear for their life or mental sanity when entering into a marriage.

Of course there are some wonderful mil-dil relationships amongst Indians. But sadly, I don't see them too often. I always hope that our generation can change things and give mils a good name.

Hope this answers your question.

 

Nice way of putting it Malyatha.
Janice, partners fall in love,get married and then go on honey moon and return divorced. So, seeing that can we sit back fearing love in the first place?
Please do not conclude, reading the posts here, that all in-laws are bad. Ladies, who need support and advise are the ones who come up to this forum so you hardly get to hear the happy life of some with good in-laws.



:thumbsup
Adara

 

Hi Malyatha,
Fantastic and comprehensive reply:thumbsup.

Hi Janice137,

Malyatha has given a good list of points.
In my opinion too, MIL-DIL issues exist across all ethnicities,nations etc.The one difference might be that in India, there is one extra issue to b concerned when son/DIL have to live with Dh's PArents. Please correct me,if i am wrong. This is one thing which is parcel of Indian culture. Other than this, many women(irrespective of nationalities/origin) go through some or the other kind of emotianal turmoil with her MIL/FIL etc.
And ,one more thing is, we here only know of women who are coming with problems. but,how many are there who come back /post stories on a regular basis about good relations with DH/inlaws etc. I am not saying that the posts here are unreal/lies. Its just that good and bad stories both exist.

So,what i would say is do not specualte too much.
and yeah,even I wonder sometime why,especially in arranged marr, the DIL is treated badly when after all everyone agreed to the marriage. I think it might be insecurity associated with the MIL that now her son is more a husband first. and I have seen this more with women who have not worked/not much exposure. they treat their DIL's in a cheap way.but,again,cannot generalise.

anyway,what I think is we should concentrate most of our energy and thinking on how to keep our husbands happy and vice versa instead of worrying too much on inlaws etc. ofcourse,if we have to live together,then i do agree it is more difficult.

All the best:thumbsup

Neha S

 

Suitable Girls, I agree with your points, especially # 2 strikes a chord. Adding my 2 cents here.

1. Mars vs. Venus - Guys are "supposed" to be the strong silent type. Especially in our culture, where they are "supposed" to be the breadwinners, I think they are not encouraged to be openly emotional or taught to express their feelings. Girls are natural at that. When the husband does not express anger at his mom or wants to talk about his mom or acknowlegde his wife's pain it drives the husband and wife further apart. When they have a child, mom talks with kids and her emotional quotient is met from them, not her spouse. After 3 odd decades of this, it becomes hard for her to accept that her kid now will not be as available emotionally and bam, the jealousy serpent raises it's ugly head. And what does dear daddy do while all this is hapenning? Just as before hides his head behind a newspaper and continues to pretend he has no clue and continues not to do anything about it!

I read this interesting book the other day by a marriage counsellor. The gist of his opinion was that women in the 19th century were less empowered than the women of today. 50 years ago, if the husband was not emotionally available or did not communicate, women accepted it as their fate and learnt to put up with it. Today's woman is empowered and has learnt to ask for her rights as a wife but the problem is that the man is still in the 19th century with nary a clue to use and express his emotions correctly. Which leaves today's woman even more unhappy than the woman 50 years ago. It's a damn vicious cycle of evil that has to be brolken and unfortunately, only us women can do that. Somehow encouraging dear hubby to be emotionally available for us while not effimating (femalizing) him in any way. tall order if you ask me!

I think the challenge for our generation is to teach our husbands' to meet our emotional needs and become less emotionally dependent on our kids. This is the only way to break the vicious cycle.

 

Question: Why should a man not be as available emotionally to his parents after his marriage? Why is it that we have such an obvious dichotomy between the sexes? While it is seen as natural for a married daughter to remain close to her parents, society is quick to taunt married sons who continue being close to their FOO as being 'Mamas' boys' who have 'still not cut the umbilical cord'.

I think part of the problem is with this obvious double standard. Many DILs are insecure by the close bond shared by their husbands, PILs and husbands' siblings, while they themselves see nothing amiss with them sharing the same strong bond with their OWN parents and siblings even after marriage. Maybe it's the very different ways in which SNILs & DILs approach their spouses' closeness with their (spouses') FOOs that causes the issues that exist between a woman and her own in-laws?