How to go about this stress in married life?

rs18 · Jul 13, 2007

Dear Friends,

iam very depressed and wanting for help. with much confusion & stress iam writing up here seeking guidance .iam married for 5 years with a lovely kid . i take life as it goes but still quite few issues drop me from the track and
the reason is my IN LAWS . we stay alone and they are just half a kilometer far from us but whatever the best we decide for our future gets spoilt by them.

since my husband is the only son( 2 sisters elder & younger) they pamper him alot . but for whatever he does i remain the haunted. they scold me like anything. i have no one to support . ( lost my parents ) ours was a love marraige and i beleive that they still dislike me . they always stop us doing things we deserve . e.g i managed to buy a TV for my home after 2 years of my marraige. she seldom allows me in to her kitchen or bed room .

iam very soft spoken . i do not like to hurt anyone but this petty act of them makes me more depressed. Employed with a good company i manage taking care of all the household chores etc, helping them financially and physically. My kid stays with them back from school and she demanded 1000 rs for that.they teach her to call me by name.initially she wanted me to abort my kid stating that she needs to finsh off her responsibilities in getting her younger daughter married and they did not even bothered to invite me for the NIchiyam.My husband is a very nice person , he loves me a lot and helps me , and she often complains for this too. but he wants to help them and demands the same from me too. He requests me not to take anything to heart but just let it go.. He respects them a lot.

i can very well understand his feelings but what about my self respect . friends iam not against anyone i expect only love & care ....iam so worried that they will ruin me to nowhere , i fear that they may seperate my husband & kid from me . Pray for me .

Bina · Jul 13, 2007

Re: How to go about it ?

Sweetie - your problem is the same problem that is encountred by thousands of Indian women. The signifcant thing in your situation however is that your husband loves you and knows that his family is not being very nice. This is a HUGE plus. He is living up to his responsibilities regardless of what other parties are doing.

My suggestion would be to blindly ignore what your IL's are doing. Since your husband already knows about there bad behaviour, your complaining again and again is not going to help him deal with it either. His acknolwedgement of their bad behaviour is all that you can expect from him at this point. Perhaps someone else in his shoes, might have confronted his parents, but he is not that personality. You have to understand that. It is very tough to turn a blind eye, but the other option of constantly thinking/talking /complaining about your IL's will surely hurt your marriage. You live apart from them, have a beautiful kid, your husband loves you, thats all you need for a good strong marriage. Your marriage will be hurt, only if you allow other's behaviour to be a priority in your marriage. Be strong and open hearted and guard whats precious to you, your marriage, your kid, your husband and the best way to do that is not take to heart what your IL's are doing. Try and be a good person, encourage your husband to continue to do the moral thing, at the end of the day, both of you will know you have done your duty and like they say...thats all a good person can do. Your husband will respect you for that and your marrige will get stronger. However, if you see there is abuse at any time either towards you or your kid, you need to sit down with your husband and discuss it, not complain about it, discuss it.
I hope my little post, helps you, put things in perspective. You already are a winner because you have the love and understanding of those who matter, which is your hubby and kids
Take care of your mental health!

rs18 · Jul 14, 2007

Re: How to go about it ?

Dear Bina,

Thanks a lot . i was really carried off by your way of response. what you have mentioned is exactly right and i admit doing that. now a days iam getting more tensed and showing off anger towards my daughter too.

Your words were so comforting . Thanks again ......Stay in touch:wave

Bina · Jul 14, 2007

Re: How to go about it ?

I am glad my words helped you Ramya. But promise me one things sweetie, that under no circumstance, you will take out your anger/frustration on your daughter. Childedren need a happy, carefree childhood. Anything happening in adults life should NOT impact a child. If you don't do anything, just do one thing..please please..don't let your lil precious daughter be the victim of anyone's moods..specially not yours. Take care and hugs to your lil one