Do you see any hope for me in this marriage?

Sunshine,

You need to start changing your strategy.From now on stop the cry and plead him to calm down,then you feel good yourself.If he takes longer time to cool down,let him take time and you go out and spend time with your son,but don't plead him.
If you have express something,voice your openion when he is calm.Don't start arguing even when he is in high voice.

How did the the message reached from your sister to him?.
Since you said ,he doesn't care what money you spent,then take some money and put it in fixed deposit on your son's name.

 

Hi Sunshine 123,

Hope you remember me. I had replied to some of your first few posts. I couldn't help but read this one and feel like I was writing it! I think this attitude is common among Indian men but our husbands seem to have a fatal combination of ego,control, temper, and the I-am-always-right attitude that there seems to be no scope to squeeze any sense into their heads.

Keeping busy is good, but how do you stop the mind from expecting even the most basic requirements from a marriage (respect and communication!). Just like you, I have found that the strategies I adopt to resolve the argument and eventual silent treatment only end up making him more stronger. The only way things get resolved is if I "accept" my fault and apologize...and every thing is my fault! Any communication from my side is deemed as "justification" in my husband's eyes and is "not acceptable" according to him.

The only way out as I see it Sunshine123, is to fight the urge to give-up by not being the one to set things allright. In my case, I know that DH is capable of giving the silent treatment for months at a time if I don't try hard to apologize. BUT if that is what it takes to break the vicious cycle, so be it. I would sincerely advise you to follow Priya's strategy of not giving up. I know it is super hard to do, because as women we tend to dislike a discordial atmosphere at home and would do anything to bring the home back to "normalcy". This so-called "normalcy" would eventually only be a temporary state since our minds are still under deep turmoil for having "accepted" mistakes that were never really made. Unless the husbands agree to have a better means to communicate and talk-out misunderstandings, the only way out is to not give-in easily and retain some self-respect.

Not sure if I helped, but the only way we can find out what works is to give it a try!

GoodLuck,
CarpeDiem

 

everyone has given you very good reply...let me be short..Im married for 4mnths..Mine is almost like yours.exactly the same.....very conditional..high temper...its a love marriage..i knew him for 4 yrs..but i thought he'll be better after wedding..)...........and i wonder.why i got married...Everyone tells me the same thing....Be patient..concentrate on your job/hobbies...and dont have expectations..and dont fall on him.....jus iggnore him//hel come back to you...its vvv tuff i can understand..easy to advise.itll be very very irritating..to get beaten and scolded..for everyting..we have to be patient.....someone should..be submissive....Im trying hard...to be coool...and just concentrate on my life......lets hope for the best..and good luck to you.....all these movies are bull****..and this Husband is your life..and all..forget it.....We have our own lives..Make sure.Your relationshp is smooth and good..if not great /romantic...Im very young(26 ) and inexperienced to advise..but i have lot of friends.going thru' the same....including me...

 

My post is going to be different. Sorry

Before I go about writing all the other stuff. If your partner had confined in you something hoping that would remain between the both of you, how can you justify sharing it with your sister is right? Your husband getting irritated is understandable. I would have felt the same anger when I hear it from the third person something I had shared it with my husband and trusting him with it.

Now,

1. He does allow you to spend and gives you the freedom "I will not ask what you spend and you dont ask what i spend". As many explained before, some men feel that they can manage everything. If so, all we can do is just trust him and lead a present life happily. He is not going to put in the roads one fine day is he? You trust him? Then why bother?

2. Not talking about each other's parents. I am assuming that he feels it will create unnecessary tension and he wants to avoid it. So be it. Why are you worried? He is not holding you from interacting with your parents or family is it? Just give in.. Reading through many Inlaw issues, may be you are good without it?

3. Office Issues. Again, not all men love to sit and discuss their office work at home. Also that's their world. Many would feel that it's something that should be left alone and not poked.

The issue here is not discussing office issues with you, but spending time. Be proactive. Plan something for a weekend. That he LOVES too. If hes back from work, tired give him space, engage yourself in something that you love. Sometimes they want sometime to unwind their mind after an hectic day. The last thing they need is a whining wife seeking attention right? Why don't you go to some community college and join some course? Keep yourself busy. They say, a busy mind has no time to worry. May be do something for yourself.. independently. Make it a resolution and prove it to him, that you are not dependent on and each everything on him.

Think from his shoes.

(1) He is working his a$$ off to work to give a decent life to his family
(2) He needs to balance his parents and his wife.
(3) He needs to go up the career path
(4) He needs to be an amusement park for this wife and amuse her with something always
(5) Above all, he needs some for himself.

He's human too, too much expectations from him from all sides, he can blow up too, right?

So take it easy. Value what you are blessed with. See how you can make yourself happy out of it. Make changes in you. that's all one can do. They cannot change others. Also don't except. You give your 100% in everything. Your partner will see and do what he can.

Good luck !!

 

Nandu

That was wonderful...the whole thought...yes EXACTLY my points too...I was going through my response again n again before I post it..as it might really offend Sunshine in the condition she is in...

But Sunshine...pls do think from the angle mentioned by Nandu...

From your past threads...I do see that you both do have some tensions here n there on trust issues....why did you break his trust again??? it doesnt matter how much ever small hte issue is...why did you disclose it? dont say its slip of tongue...no absolutely no....you cant afford to make mistakes after what you have gone through in the past...

You have to gain his trust for him to come to you..thats the bonding...

Pls go through everything said my NANDU and pls think over about every point in her post.

 

Sunshine..

Isnt it unfair on what you are expecting??? after what all you both have gone through this since past few yrs...

You just want things to turn around your way...it may/may not be possible all the time to just snap out of the bad mood or to trust someone who keeps breaking their promises..isnt it???

Howare you feeling now? when he keeps getting angry with youfor no reason?? so he is also feeling the same....he is totally confused on how to treat you...everytime he wants to give a chance, you totally screw it up...you expect him not to get angry...might be I am thinking he is already on that fine verge of having fed up with the marriage...he doesnt know anymore how to handle things around...

To top it, he travels 75% of his time ...so how is he going to bond iwth you and the kid?? what are you trying to make him happy...(I understand you are doing alot to keep you busy and out of the feeling of being lonely...)

I feel both of you as a couple need to do some activities together...to buildup some understanding, some trust, some love...just as a starting point...(we have some team building sessions at work usually just to make everyone comfortable and understand each others view points...such type..)

what are your hubbies interests??? does he let you involve in those? do both of you have something common? do you praise him enough? do you surprise him enough with sweet nothings? why dont you and your kid make something nice for the dad?? make an unofficial fathers day/dads day and do something for dad?? all 3 of you go out on that special day...have fun time...you got to build upthat bonding and comfort with him..

specially trust...pls never ever break it again...and i feel sorry to say this..it might be very easy to say sorry after breaking someones trust too many times...it might jsut be a harmless mistake..but remember that talks alot about that person who breaks the trust..and not everyone appreciates it all the time..(not everyone forgives the mistake all the time..no matter how small/big it is...)