A small problem

Shrikha · Aug 17, 2009

Hi Friends,

I have a problem, I thought I will be able to resolve this issue by talking it out with my DH, but its not working out. My DH is very caring, he does not seem to remember any hurtful things I have said in the past(he says so), he is loving, we are a couple with our usual fights and get backs. Neither of us can stay without talking to each other. Though he has said so many hurtful things in the past, he does not mean them. We have talked over all the past issues and my mind is a lot better now.
But this one thing does not seem to work out at all.

My DH has a lot of friends, he never stays at home on the weekends. He loves going out and returns only by night. This is happening from the 2nd month of my marriage. We had many arguments and it has somewhat reduced a little. I have already explained him that he needs to spend time with me atleast one day in a week. He says ok, and again reverts back to his habit of going out with his friends. I dont get it!!!:bonk
I stay at home as if I am one of the furnitures in a corner, I have nothing to do in the weekends. I work, even I get only two days to relax, so obviously I will feel like spending time with him right? Why doesn't he understand?:rant

Yesterday is just another example, I had planned to exchange my old gold with new ones and we both had gone to get it done. After that we had lunch outside, meanwhile he was getting phone calls and I knew something was cooking. I asked him about his plans and then he told me that he will drop me at home and go out with his friends. I was very upset, he had spent both friday(had taken leave) and saturday outside, only came home at night. He found out that I am upset and then cancelled his plan. I feel guilty for making him cancel his plans. Why doesnn't he understand that I am also there in his life and I do not have anyone to look upto. I do have friends, but everyone is busy with their lives, also I have a kid and I feel like spending time with my kid as family time. But dont you think that my DH needs to understand his responsibility.

Mine is a love marriage, wonder where all the closeness has gone after marriage. We both used to long for spending time together, but now only I do that. Through out my life I cant keep cribbing for spending time with him. When at home, he keeps sleeping, or watching tv. Is there anything wrong with me, do you think I need to change, why is his behaviour like this? I have a 10mnth old kid and I wake up in the nights to feed him, but I dont sleep during day time though my sleep is very inadequate, I wonder why my DH wants to sleep the whole time. Is there nothing left between us to share and spend time. How do I make him understand?

Please suggest something to change myself atleast.

gayathri12345 · Aug 17, 2009

Shrika,

Nice name you have got. Hmm.. let me come to point. 90% of the marriages are facing this problem.

Firstly, we forget LOVE is different than Marriage.

Love is a Dream land, it looks so colorful when you are in love, talking over fone hours together, Biking,Movies,Musti,Luncheons,Weekend meetups,Long drives etc etc.But please dont forget that Marriage is a Extension of Love. Its a land of commitments,understanding, resposibilities,trust,mutual respect,compromises . This is a naked truth Shika and yes, All we got to understand here is importance of TIME MANAGEMENT, PRIORITIZING THE LEVELS,UNDERSTANDING THE FLUCTUATIONS OF EMOTIONS plays a vital part in building a compatability between a Man and Woman in marriage and plays a great role in saving their marriage.

Through this situation, All I can see is that Your DH is facing diffiulty in setting priority levels in the relationship. As you are his spouse, you must undertsand and also make him understand this point clearly that we both should need to plan your time in a way that you give Lion's share of time to the Family(Spouse+Children+Parents) and rest of the share can qually be allocated between your intrests,hobbies,friends,relations and all.

Though He is marriaged and He is a Father, You must understand that HE NEEDS A SPACE for his own self.As you know him before marriage, You should have all about him i mean his nature and thinking. So try dealing with him based on the way he is natured and his mindset is . Dont get depressed, have a long evening chat and explain your discomfort with him, As your's is a love marriage I am sure he will understand your saturation point. If still the same continues, there is nothing much we can do except diverting your attention instead of cribbing and nagging about the things.

Start understanding intrests with in you, may be crafting,Music, Dance, Reading books...which will make your time meaning ful rather than cribbing over the issue and getting into depression shika. and Then build your network. Build aquintances with similar intrests of yours, and Give most of your time to your Kid and your intrests and I am sure some day he will undertsand and he will be tuned.

Though I am not married let me tell you that Patience,Understanding, Love,Trust,Respect and ye little amount of Compromises shall make marriage succesful.

Have a Happy Married Life.

ayeshanaaz · Aug 17, 2009

Hi Shrikha,

As I was going through ur post, i was wondering whether u were living my life....because I have exactly the same problem as urs. Even I had love marraige, 2 yr kid and working... My LOVEEEE to spend time wityh my DH, but he never seems to care, 4 years of wedded life, I have just been dreaming of that perfect time, when we both will spend together, apart from sleeping.

Though he is very loving and caring, but he has his own priorities and friends and lots of friends, unfortunately which I dont have. Iam always dependent on hin for my happiness and everything else. Its not dependence, actually its the feeling of sharing each & every moment of my life with him.

I have expalined this feeling to him, comminicated , fought with him, and what not.... BUT U CAN NEVER CHANGE MEN........

So finally, I have seperated myself from my dream. Now I live in reality, happy to be with him (whatever little time he gives me), i enjoy each and every moment of that time. I love him, I know .. where ever he goes, he will come back to me in the evening. So I have compromised a bit on this issue. Instead of fighting & cribbing over NO TIME, I try to enjoy whatever time he gives me.

Please go through the thread "Golden rules for Women" by Ms. Shanthi.... U will get all ur answers there.

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/6207-golden-rules-for-every-woman.html

Best of Luck dear.

saipavani123 · Aug 17, 2009

Hi Shrika,

I don't know if this method works. But i think it might work. You said its a love marriage. So he definitely loves you but he might have taken you for granted. Show him somehow that you are happier without him. I mean to say make him miss you. Like Don't stay at home by the time he comes. Make friends and stay at their home over a night. Call him and say to have dinner anywhere outside and say you had dinner with your group of friends and you are having good time with them. Take your kid along with you and in weekends make sure you tell him your plans before he does ... that is...tell him you are going with your friends here or there and tell them how much you enjoyed !! Make sure you describe him point to point what all you did on weekends with your friends . Thus show him somehow that you are happier without him and you have your own world !! then when he misses you he will for sure realize what he has lost without you!! But definitely make sure you tell your plans first...You raise the topic of weekend or something and tell your plans...... he will for sure miss you..In Short make yourself unavailable for him for a while especially when he expects you to be at home !!! . try this for a month and if it gives good results well and good.... stop it if it doesn't effect him much !! but there is no harm in giving a try right ??

All the best...

Sorry ladies if i gave some bad Idea !!!

Ratn · Aug 18, 2009

Hi SHrikha
I am pretty amazed at your hubby's behaviour! Why cant he take you with him when he meets his friends?? I agree with the last person's reply when she says that you can also make yourself unavailable for some time...try to make some friends, go out for dinner/lunch etc with them...and dont leave anything cooked at home for him. Just announce few hrs beforehand that you have a dinner with friends. Stayign overnite at a freind's mite be difficult esp with a kid...but u can try that too. On the other hand thank God that ur hubby is such an extrovert and you dont have him on your hand all the time....because trust me after years of just being with each other you long for some external company too....!
Good luck
R

SweetDreamz007 · Aug 18, 2009

Shrikha,

I have faced similar situation too, for me it was my hubby's non-stop work. I was very frustrated and had to take control of situation before it got too late. I believe every couple should have their 'alone time' and try to tweak in family time. Start having more quality time as family, enjoying your kid's company more. I am not suggesting you to let things be the way they are. I am trying to keep you sane here. I would suggest you to vent out by doing some activity which involves you and your child more often, maybe go to library, parks or some play dates for your kid. Your hubby should know that you long for his company. Ask him to be home and you plan events with your friends. Even if nothing, tell him you would like to go for shopping etc and just roam around.

Tit for Tat can work or can backfire terribly. be careful if you plan to do play his game.

I used to discuss with my hubby about him not being with me and my kid and then arrived at a win-win plan. 1 day/ evening each week we have a family event planned, like going to some rides, play some games/ sports, movies. And we both get to pick 1 pre-determined day/ evening each week to do stuff of our own. This could be a double-take too. When my hubby takes my kid out., I just chill at home. And when it is my turn to, I chill there too .

Cheers,
SD

Shrikha · Aug 19, 2009

Hi Laddu, Ayeshanaaz, Saipavani, Ratn and SD,

Thanks for your fb's. I see that most of us have this problem in our lives.
Actually I have started understanding that a married life is never the same as the life we imagine it to be. I have also started compromising on a few things, but when my DH just takes me for granted, I lose all my patience and then hell breaks loose. I sure would never go for tit-for-tat options, because I can never ignore my DH even to teach him a lesson.

As laddu had suggested I think I need to get myself busy with something creative so that I do not keep cribbing about my loneliness. Thanks for the suggestion Laddu.

Ayesha, I have read those rules, and I do want to follow them, I think I need to put my best efforts. Thanks dear.

Saipavani, he does miss me when I stay in my parent's place, but once I am back with him he just gets back to his ususal way. Though he has changed a lot now in these 3 years. Along with a kid I cannot do much with friends.

Hey Ratn, I would love to trade the situation with you(had read your thread about Introvert husband) ;-)

SD, when I make plans also we have issues, he gives priority to plans he has with his friends. And that also makes me feel bad. But sometimes it does work out. I think I need to be more patient in dealing with him, cos fights are not leading me anywhere.

Thanks for the wonderful suggestions friends.

priya5474 · Aug 21, 2009

Hi Srilekha,

I read your post and couldn't stop myself from posting my reply as it seems to be a look alike situation of many married women. Infact my intial face of married life was like this. In your case the hindrance circle is friends but in my case it was my 3 SIL's family issue or health issue of one of his parent. Whenever my DH gets a week off , he will out resolving my any one of the SIL's family issues OR will be in hospital treating his father/mother OR will be attending some important family function as a formality.My DH is the first out 6 kids and my FIL died 7 yrs back.

I'm also a working women with two kids. Boy in 3rd std and Girl in PreKG. This is absolutely no abnormal situation or behaviour by men that they want to spend time at home watching TV and sleeping.

Hey , who stops you from sitting near him and enjoying the TV or having nap when he is having. May be you are busy doing household work. I give you a plan that I follow. When it is weekend , i do not sleep beyond 5.30. I try to wind up all work by 9 Am. I'm done with all my work even before my DH and kids are out of bed. So now I have all my time with them. If I need to do shoping I drag him out of bed and force him to take me. He will never start off willfully. It is my right and I take his service . I don't feel guilty.If he scolds him , I give him back and happily take him to shopping.

My DH is a gem of a person. He scolds me , loves me , fights with me...and all. But then taking up responsibilities and doing things all by himself is not his cup of Tea. :coffee

Enjoy life as it is.

But ofcourse you can cut his visit to friends house / company with friends once in 3 times .It is your right to ask him stay back with you. You don't have to feel guilty for this. I do such fights every now and then and when he obliges I give him a hug / smile or whatever as a note of thanks. Why not ???

After 9+ years of married life. I now know how to make him do things like helping me out in cleaning ceiling fans ( I would say R u doing today or should I do it on my own and I would also say don't mind if I have a fall dear ). Once or twice I did this and he got terrified and started to do cleaning of fans and some vacuum cleaning .

Moreover all these tv/sleeping attitude will be gradually stopping once your kid grows up.

This is not at all a situation to be worried about.

But one good thing is you start to keep yourself busy with your interests. I do understand DH needs to spend time with you but at some point of time when he starts spending more time with you, you will feel like you are not enjoying life . Life is just not you and your DH. You have a long way to go where in you have to spend lots of time with kids , society and many more. He is enjoying his life, you enjoy your's by doing what you like.

One fine day your DH will say that you are not spending time with him and that you are concentrating only on your kid(s). Then you take your revenge. Sounds good nah cheers:cheers

Shrikha · Aug 24, 2009

Hi PriyaDurai,

I read your suggestions and they seem to be really nice. Will surely try to follow them. Thanks for understanding my views. Felt really funny when you spoke about the revenge part :rotfl. Thanks a lot dear.

thebluemoongirl · Aug 25, 2009

hi shrikha,
though i have not faced this problem, if the friends he meets are singles, this issue is going to last until they get married and if the friends too got married may be those guys wives too would face the same problems, so all you wives can plan like all you go as couples but you ladies have to plan it before, so you both can have common friends too.