Superstar

Visu,

It was a private message on Facebook. My dh likes to read to me all the letters from his friends from college years, so at night we sit together and he shows me their photos and mails. Couple times he got a mail from his family, and to "show me they loved me" he read the mail outloud thinking they might have wrote something nice. Unfortunately, he had not given the mails a read through before showing me, and out came some nasty stuff about me.

Also, my dh has not been truthful with me in the past in regards to his family. Reality is, my dh and his family are all master liars. Although my dh's behavior is not changing now, my deepest fear is that he will go back to how he was before when his mom and sis ruled our lives. My dh has given me all his passwords to read through their mails, just in case I get that worry again that they are up to something. He also has all my passwords. One time I logged on to his chat thing, and I saw the transcript of what his sister had said about me.

You're right Visu, I shouldn't let it bother me. I guess the reason it did for so long was, I had tried so hard for them to like me. I was so confused as to why anyone would hate me. In my whole life nobody has ever said such bad stuff about me. Especially not family members. Also why it bothers me is, I worry my dh will go back to how he was before. If you are wondering how that is, please read through some very early posts of mine.

 

Visu,

My dh has extreme anger towards his mom. She ruined his first marriage, and now that he has caught her up to her old ways, he says he wants "justice." He wants to call them and make them apologize to me, and he gets furious when his mom continues to lie to him and me. But at the same time, he holds out that hope that we can be a 'happy united family.' But Visu, I don't want that!! My life is too short, I don't want to live it with people I hate. I'm fine if he is in contact with them, but I dont want anything to do with them. Ever! Also, I don't want an apology. I don't want to hear their voice!!! I have told my dh that but he is insistant. He says apology or not he wants to confront them. Problem is, acknowleding them confirms their existance, and on most days I like to pretend they dont exist. So this confrontation my dh has in mind is making me more nervous than anything else.

Your above quote is EXACTLY how my dh acted when this first started happening two years ago. But now he is at the point of openly expressing his anger about what is happening. He is totally on my side. You know, there is nothing to fear but fear itself. Basically, I just need to gain control over my insecurities. Else I know it's going to ruin my relationship with hubby.

I bet thats what he wishes for. There's a lot of things I wished for too in life. But I cant give my husband this. I've sacrificed myself too many times before. I want to surround myself with people who love me. I don't want to talk here about everything that happened, but I never want to be in a situation where they are staying in my house again. I don't care anymore if he has contact with them, but I don't want to. Is that bad? Dh doesn't expect me to have a relationship with them, although I know in his heart he probably wishes we did.

You're right, you're really right. My dh is not the one getting affected anymore. He used to be his mom's puppet, now I'm the puppet. I'm letting my fear of them rule my life and change me into a paranoid psycho. I've got to put a stop to it, but everyday is like a battle to get over what happened, and my fear of what could happen in the future. I worry that ultimately she will come to live with us (my #1 worry), although my dh keeps reassuring me he will never let that happen. Visu, what is your suggestion of how I can get over this unfounded dillusion? Is it because deep in my mind I don't believe my dh will keep her away? I want to throw these fears out the window, permanently!!!

That is really beautiful words. I will remember that next time I think upon past issues. He gets aggravated with me when I doubt him for past incidents. But he is a completely different guy now. So much on my side, so much loving me. You are right, I should focus on who he is now. And I do! But sometimes this horrible feeling in my stomach gets triggered out of nowhere, and everything just feels upside down.

Again, you're right. I want to get to the point where I don't feel the need to read his emails. And you know, I'm not going to anymore. He NEVER writes bad about me. Only his family is writting bad. And he defends me. So really it's pointless for me to read that stuff when it's only hurting me. My dh loves me, and hence writes good stuff. My inlaws hate me, and hence writes bad stuff. But neither of that is a surprise, I knew it all along! So why do I check? It's my own stupidiy. I shouldn't. It's just hurting my feelings worse. I haven't done the email checking for a long time. Only this past week I started again because I could see them again trying to cause problems. But you know, this conversation has made me to realize, that was unneccesary for me to do. My dh is going to handle it. I pray to God everyday to give my husband the strength to keep our relationship safe from outside harm, I really hope God is listening to me!

Thanks Visu, that's really positive to hear. You are also very helpful on this site and I appreciate the advice you have given me. I really feel that through all of our personal battles in our own lives, we become stronger and more able to help those in similar situations.

Guess I'm just going through a rough week. I believe very strongly in God and my husband and also myself, and I hope that is enough to get me past these doubts and insecurities. :thumbsup

 

JPstar: You can always change back and forth. Now I would like to be Bipasha Basu. I was reading Filmfare this weekend and there was an interview with her and John. You know, she seems like such a tough, confident lady. I really admire her!

You're right Happy. People forget that God is always with us, always able to see what we've done.

RG: Feels good to know we are all in this thing called 'life' together. We both went through a tough week, what can that mean? Probably that a better week is just around the corner. Today is Monday, let's make this week a good one! :thumbsup

Sonam: My dh confronted his parents this weekend and made it SO clear that both of us did not like stuff that was said. My mil apologized to him saying she didn't mean to cause trouble. So my dh said to her, whether she did or didn't, my wifes feelings got hurt blah blah blah. After his phone chat with her, dh told me that although she is going to be nice now.... be very, very careful and cautious around her. Also said, "her thinking is not likes ours." So like you, I'm going to be skeptical. It's really the best way to be when you have been mistreated in the past. If my dh is nervous himself of his own moms intentions, just imagine how I would be feeling! You know Sonam, I feel it is sometimes hard to be the "second wife." Not because of any different way our husbands treat us.... but because of the emotional baggage our inlaws have. They either compare us to the ex, make us feel not as good as her, or they hold us to impossibly higher standards.

Sounds like I could have wrote this line. Exactly how I felt! But there's one thing I know with 100% certainty.... you can't let the insecurity beat you. If you keep letting the insecurity eat at you it will change you into a different person, a person you don't like. Try to overcome it. It could take a long time (it took 2 years for me), but eventually you will come out on top. :thumbsup