Reg India Trip

Well, to be honest, Vidh, fair distribution of days only pertains to me. My husband doesn't spend a single night under my parents' roof.

I spend around 2 months in India when I visit. So a sample distribution would be as follows (a sample, not a hard-and-fast rule). The first 3 weeks (when my husband is there) is with my in-laws exclusively. After he leaves, the next 3 weeks are spent by me and my daughter with my parents. Then, I take my daughter over to my in-laws' house when I go to visit out station relatives for a week (my daughter is currently too young to come with me, so she spends this time with her paternal grandparents). Upon my return, I pick her up and we spend the last week at my mother's place. I leave for the US from my Mom's house.

MIL has finally come to terms with my spending as much time with my own parents as with them. Ever since our relationship improved, she seems to understand me (and my need to be with my parents) better *touch wood*

 

Hi Paru,

I was pretty much in the same situation sometime back...my hubby had left to the US a month before I could start...this is wat i did...I told my hubby before hand that I would stay 2 weeks in their place n 2 weeks in my moms place...the 1st week, I stayed in my in-laws place...then I went to my moms place n was supposed to be bac in 2 weeks time...something unavoidable came up then n I had to stay on for 3 more days which made it like I was going to stay in my IL's place for juz 4 days before I left...well, my MIL didnt complain as she never does but I believe my FIL complained to my DH...well, I dont appreciate them commenting abt this in front of me...so I guess they never had the guts to do that...but my DH was asking me n I juz told him the reason...n even after cumin here, he kept telling me a couple of times n I juz told him that this is wat happened n I dont want this topic popping up again neither wud I appologize as it had no mistake of mine...well, now none of them mention this at all...ofcourse, I know they wud pull this when we go to India the next time but I know how to handle it

 

Dear Paru ,

If your husband is going to be supportive then I think everything is well with you. If your MIL is unaware of the fact that your stay extends beyond your husband's then you both could decide best because you are the one who would face her once she knows. If you feel she might just spoil the happy days for you if you tell her before hand.. keep it also in mind that she would still do it when she realises you never told her about your vacation-extension.
So take your hubby's opinion and act accordingly. You could also tell her before hand so that any mess is avoided and you have made your stand clear and do not want them to plan anything with you in mind.
If they object .. You must say you had a option of keeping it a secret but did not feel it is wrong so told them. If they objected for all your desires this way.. you would keep it away from them for simple reasons as such.

However.. end of the day it is your MIL and you know her quite well.. So do what best suites your family.
Have a great vacation and remain happy forever !! :thumbsup

 

Rihana, It's an awesome post. Well Written and explained. Good post!!!

Harini

 

Very nice thread and good points!
So now you all know that i am planning for a india trip.
I went first time with excitement (alone) and had the shock of my life, but to think positively i came to know the true colors of inlaws and how my husband changed after all the tantrums my MIL played. after that i never went until the time came when we had to go to show our kid to inlaws and parents.

now again planning a trip after few yrs half heartedly. this time the problem is dh is not coming. i am going alone with kids.inlaws and dh doesn't have a problem abt me staying in my mom's home, becos when i go to mil's place she would start all her tantrums to get back on me.
my question is how to deal with mil's calls when i am in my mom's place. how to deal with her badmouthing to all relatives abt me when i am there.
how to deal with them when i am in their house. mil would give key to my fil and he does all the scoldings, arguments and shoutings. i never used to talk a word before, just quietly listen and then come home and cry.
this goes on till 12 pm and after that he would have dinner and then only i can eat food, i cannot go out anywhere when i am there. i dont mind doing all the housework as long as they dont torture me verbally
i am thinking this time i should run away from their house if they start scolding me. or call police in india.
even my parents were scared last time but now dad says he will come and pick me up immediately if they verballyabuse me. i even told dh that i will call police if they do this. he just says they wont abuse me this time to pacify me.actually fil shouts at dh too and he too doesn't like them much, thats the reason why he cameto US.but even today he is scared and kind of conditioned to be quiet with parents. fil has inflated male ego and feels dil should be in kitchen only. thats why my dh never told inlaws that i work becos they cannot accept them and make our life miserable. i dont know how long he wants to hide abt this issue but i leave it to him.fil didn't like it when he knew that i know to drive car, i worked before marriage etc.he used to say that women shouldn't try to be a man.when he starts to scold it is like he got some fits and would go on. so no point trying to talk to him slowly or make him understand. i cannot change them, what else can i do?
i cannot avoid going to their place.

Any suggestions. i loose sleep over this.(sorry for long post)

 

vpriya,I can't believe that your in-laws can be so monsterous. Other than the working, and car-driving part (which IMO is so stupid), why are they complaining and verbally abusing you? Aren't they happy that you are not relying on their son to drive you around and the fact that you are contributing to the finances of the house?

It's good that there is no pressure from your husband to stay with your in-laws. I would suggest that you shouldn't stay more than a couple of days if possible and cut it even short if you feel uncomfortable. Simply call up your dad and ask him to pick you up.

Regarding your in-laws bad-mouthing you in front of relatives, I say just turn a deaf ear to it. Chances are that sensible relatives know your MIL's nature and won't believe it. Others, you shouldn't care for. It's not worth spoiling your peace of mind over it. Your main aim should be to spend some quality time with your parents and kids, eat good desi food, watch movies, hang-out with cousins/friends, and indulge in all the good things India has to offer

It's sad that for most ladies, planning a trip to India is fraught with so much difficulties, when in fact it should be something to look forward to. I seriously hope and pray that this time around, your in-laws see some sense and stop this unjustified behavior. Good Luck and Happy Travels!


- Just read your previous post about your pregnancy. Congratulations. All the more reason why you should try to de-stress and focus on you and your baby bean.

 

Thankyou CarpeDiem for the wishes. I think the hormones are making think of all unwanted things now. I was very depressed after all the issues with inlaws and we thought it is better for me to work so i use my brain properly.
Inlaws dont know that i am working, they think i am at home. dh didn't want to tell them so we dont have to deal with their ramblings on the phone. Fil is very insecure and male chauvanist i think. he feels competitive with his own son, so i understand how he would feel when his dil is working. thats why we keep silent and everything is smooth now. but i am worried abt the trip.
when they dont want their son to earn more and be comfortable how will they like it that dil can drive and help financially, they cannot accept it. they want their daughter and son in law to be more better than us. they dont even care for our son, thats what hit dh very hard and he changed a lot after our trip to india with our son.I am glad he changed but he cannot stop his dad from shouting at me.
All FIL's relatives are scared and dependent in a indirect way to fil and mil's relatives support her and they dont interact much with fil. as u say i shouldn't care abt what she says to others.
Inlaws live 8 hrs away from my parents home( diff state, diff language), so not feasible to suddenly ask my dad to pick up and i dont want to give him tension, he is a heart patient and very upset abt these issues already. so i want to deal alone and later tell my parents.i cannot take the guilt of spoiling my parent's health( main reason why i want to go to india and be with them and they spend time with my kids).

Priya

 

It's ridiculous that your in-laws differenciate so much between their son's and daughter's families in terms of standard of living! As I said in my previous post, care a damn as to what their relatives think - not your problem. As long as you are true in your heart, it doesn't matter what others think. I know this is easier said than done.

I think that you should not plan a long stay (max 2 days) with your inlaws and cut it even short if things get worse. You don't have to involve your father since he is not keeping too well, but ensure that you have things in your control.When he starts scolding you, simply take the kids to another room and say that you need to make them sleep or do some work or make an important phone call, etc. Don't take his words literally and give any importance to it (imagine fictitious cotton plugs on your ears). I think calling the police and going to that extreme may completely sour relations and make it irrepairable - don't know if you need to deal with all that in this situation. Hopefully they change their ways, especially now that you are pregnant.

I hope you and your kids get to spend quality time with your parents. Not sure if I have helped. Good Luck and Take Care.

 

Thankyou CarpeDiem. If it gets worse i plan to leave the next day as u say and not go back there and just take rest in my mom's place and then come back to US. My dad was suggesting that he talk to some common relatives and ask them to talk some sense to FIL. Let see what happens, as of now i just try not to think abt all that.
Thanks,
Priya