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My mind is slowly killing me. Please help

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sandhya303, May 14, 2009.

  1. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    All right, I went back and read ALL of her posts. There are multiple Sandhyas here and it gets confusing! Anyway, I remember her situation now, and, yes, I feel that she has a sense of entitlement a yard long.

    First of all, I wonder about these friends who ALLEGEDLY keep their husbands on a tight leash. They must be miserable women, because their husbands must surely resent them (wives) for controlling their (husbands') relationship with their (husbands') parents! I am surprised that some men will even agree to this... most men would have a HUGE issue with it.

    Sandhya, there is NOTHING wrong in living with NICE in-laws. It's the evil, abusive ones that have my ante up. If your MIL is really as nice as you portray her to be, then listen up. You cannot expect respect and consideration from your in-laws, if you do not show these to your in-laws! You will be a mother one day... how would you like YOUR DIL to treat you like you treat your MIL? If you REALLY want to spend time on idle thoughts and dream up insults and trespasses where NONE exist, then please think along these lines. Think of how it would feel if your DIL didn't even bother to enquire about you or your husband, esp. when he is scheduled for a surgery (however minor) and does not ever want you to live with them, even if you bend over backwards to accommodate her and continues to think badly of you even if you were good to her? In other words, imagine a DIL who treats you like you treat your MIL and then put yourself in your MIL's shoes... NOW answer honestly. Is what you are doing fair to her?

    Sandhya, one day, you too will be a MIL. Be nice.
     
    Last edited: May 14, 2009
  2. Sujimallige

    Sujimallige Bronze IL'ite

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    I am speechless after reading the opening post!!!

    Lady wake up from your slumber.You have everything.Such an understanding MIL...i would do anything to swap mine with you.Then you will know what a "Mean MIL" means...
    Seriously,there is a saying.We will always understand the value of things (or people) after we lose them.Dont let this become true for you.
    You have a great husband,understanding in laws,gud life.Be happy.
    As an added note,there is nothing wrong in having a cordial relationship with in laws.They are not something to be treated as a contagious disease.If they are reasonably good (which is so obvious from your post) you can also try to be good.
    Make courtesy calls,give them respect by calling them and informing them when you reach and when you receive stuff,talk to them when they are sick,thank them when they do things for you and simply put be nice to them.
    And there is a saying an empty mind is a devils workshop.Start doing things like reading,cooking or watching tv movies and stuff and keep yourself occupied.
    Good luck with the ttc...:cheers
    Add: Even in my case everybody tells us we dont need any stuff from abroad but still we take whatever we can afford for them.But in no way can we expect thanks from anyone.Expecting a person as elder as your mil to say thanks is a bit unacceptable for me,may be i am old fashioned.

    suji
     
    Last edited: May 14, 2009
  3. vandannav

    vandannav Senior IL'ite

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    hi

    vidhkarthik ,couldn't agree more.
    Sandhya ,you got a good MIL,wake up before its too late.


    Vandannav
     
  4. mridusudha

    mridusudha Silver IL'ite

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    Sandhya,
    Probably these are not the replies you wanted to hear!! I think you wanted someone to agree with you and say that "your MIl was wrong" adn "you were right".
    Sorry lady...I would definitely have to say "You are not thinking right here". You definitely have a very good MIL (atleast in this situation)

    Sandhya - I read your earlier posts too. I think it is you who need some help. Some psychological help. Please don't hesitate to go for counselling. Becasue I feel you are at home and keep imagining all these things between you and your MIL...This is definitely not good for you and your family..specially in the long run..lady, such tensions and stress are not good for your health. So please seek some medical help and try to get out of all these imaginary situations.

    Hope you find some help soon!!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 15, 2009
  5. sandhya303

    sandhya303 New IL'ite

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    If there are any angels on earth it is you ladies! I cannot thank all of you enough fo advising me like a sister. I am feeling so much better now. I read your posts a few hours earlier and you know what I did..I called my MIL immediately and spoke with her very nicely and told her I missed her.
    She was nice to me as well and I am feeling so light in my heart now.

    I was in fact going to have a bad weekend brooding but now I plan to spend it well with my husband instead of brooding.

    After calling her, I went out with a friend. I usually go into hiding when I am upset as I just cannot face anyone. I know I have a mental issue. I am not saying I am crazy but I do have an over sensitive mind and I tend to brood and imagine things. I want to make a change but I know it wont come easy. I am sure I will still nag all of you with more of my silly problems many times over.

    I think I really needed this. This is almost like a family away from family.
    I am so glad to have found this forum.

    Also, I plan to enroll in a few classes so that I have less time to think about these things.

    Thanks friends for making me realize that I need to be grateful and happy for what I have and that I need to step up and become a better wife and daughter-in-law. Only a close friend or family member would give me honest and frank opinions like you have.

    Thanks so much and I am praying to God that He fulfills each and every wish of your hearts. You are all very good and I pray that only good things happen in your lives and God keeps you away from the slightest of troubles.
    Thanks you soooo very much!!!
    You are my new found friends, my angels Muaaaaaahhh:)
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2009
  6. NandiniGG

    NandiniGG Silver IL'ite

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    Sandhya....

    Its just your mind nothing else.This calling incident,mil stuff its nothing but negative thoughts which comes in your mind when you sit idle or cook.

    It happens with everybody.It happens to me also a lot.Your problems with MIL are very small compared to what i have.
    Believe me i have seen girls who have much bigger problems with MIL than me also but still they don't care and keep very happy and lively.
    Sandhya even the most successful ladies have MIL problem but they go ahead.
    These thoughts are taking you nowhere,snatching your peace of mind,making you depressed,wasting your otherwise precious time.Thinking about these problems is no good for anyone at all.

    You have to be firm enough to control your mind.I am also not working but i sometimes have the same situation when i stay at home till evening.Infact i feel headache by evening if i stay at home the whole day.
    That's why i have made a rule of always keep myself busy.
    I do anything which is positive for my brain.I go to libray and start reading any book related to cooking,health,science,mathematics,personality developement,relationship management but not novels because i want to know new things etc.
    Whatever i read i feel happy after that that i learned new things.
    But Novels are better than sitting on internet or watching TV.
    You know why because the more you sit on internet or watch tv ...it emit harmful rays because of which you feel tired and stressful.You feel depressed that you haven't done anything but still why are you tired.It increases dark circles around eyes.But the majot harm is it produce a lot of stress.
    The other advantage of reading novels is it improves your vocabulary and help you improving language.
    But don't sit on internet or tv too much.
    The other way to control your mind is exercise.Its scientifically proven that exercise melt away stress.
    When you exercise you feel more fresh and active.Its difficult to do exercise dailty at home.Better you join some gym.
    The other advantage of going to gym is you will get swimming pool and classes(yoga,aerobics,martial art etc.) and you can make friends also.
    Believe me you will feel happy that you did constructive today to your health.
    the other way is develope hobby.whatever you love to do...just do it today.Go to michaels or joannes and see some art and craft stuff.You will get lot of ideas and will utilise your time doing it.It will save your money as well as new career avenues will be open for you.
    One of my friend make chocolates and sell it and one make cakes and decorate cakes and sell it to bakeries.
    There are lots of books available in library for art and craft.
    Other way is join some college and do some professional course or certification.You will get new target and once you enter you will not come out.You will find new doors opening for you.
    Other way is learning dance.Learn different kind of dance.It will keep you happy and active.
    or you can spend your time in grocery shopping and all outside work of home.
    So dear all i want to say is just keep yourself busy all the time doing something constructive.You will automatically feel happy and these negative thoughts will not come into your mind.
    Sandhya...you have to fight with this.You have to control your brain otherwise it will start controlling you and may spoil your relationship with your husband and your health and beauty in the long run.

    Sandhya i am telling you this with my own experience.I can understand what you are going through and why you are going through this.It happens to me also.but i fight with this.
     
  7. vidhkarthik

    vidhkarthik Bronze IL'ite

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    Am afraid you have still not understood the essence of our replies. By calling your MIL now after reading all these replies and by saying that you miss her is not going to change a thing about your thinking and about what you did in India. Frankly, you do not miss her and you do not have to miss her. You must have apologised for not calling her during your FIL's surgery. Telling her that you miss her is not the solution to the problem you have in hand. You will feel good about yourself for talking to her - Thats all. You did that for feeling good about yourself. If my DIL were to do to me what you did to your MIL ( Esp not calling and checking during my husband's illhealth) I will NOT talk to my DIL at all. I will not make it an issue..I will politely refuse to do anything with her. Am beyond surprised by the sweet and accommodating nature of your MIL that she spoke to you sweetly after all this. WOW - I didn't know they made MILs like yours anymore.

    In another post you had mentioned that your husband calling his parents frequently when his dad was ill and when you were in India was a major concern for you and you did not approve of it. Let tables turn.. If your husband is insecure and asks you NOT to call India when one of your parents are sick..how will you react?

    I fervently want you to think clearly..Thats the only reason am writing this again. Instead of feeling happy you called her, think why you did not even care to call her during your FIL's surgery? Did your parents know that he was scheduled for surgery and did they not ask you to call? Do you think what you did was right? Is it right to be so paranoid about your husband calling them twice a week? You do not have to give me the answers - I really hope you find answers for all these questions honestly within yourself.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2009
  8. harinisripada

    harinisripada Gold IL'ite

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    Please Sandhya... you are behaving like a child!!!

    All your slights and whatever your MIL did was imaginary... but the most important thing - the tangible part was - you did not do your DUTY - even those in-laws who dont share good vibes call each other and give support when people are sick - you have the good guys... you did not even call your FIL/MIL especially when she called and informed you - minor or not - surgery is surgery at their age - you were in India... I would have rushed to them to help if I was available - no sons around, you are not doing anything important at your parents place - 3-4 days out of a whole month of vacation would not have mattered much.... if your father had been sick, would you have not even called your mom for moral support???

    And ON TOP OF THAT you are complaining about the number of calls your DH makes in other posts... THINK if your dad had been sick, you would not have been OFF the phone for the whole duration of his hospital stay ...

    She has at the most given you a "few taunts over which you have not even been able to fight about" - (your own words) in the initial days of your meeting... and it has been SIX years since then where she has not given you any cause for complaint

    You have a long way to GROW UP and MATURE!!!!

    Just telling her that you MISS her is not ENOUGH...

    BE a good DIL.



     
    Last edited: May 15, 2009
  9. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    looks like all's well that ends well.
     
  10. depressed

    depressed Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Sandhya,

    Your MIL is far far better and good compared to other MILs we have been discussing in this forum [ unless you have hidden something from us]. You cannot pick every word of hers and try to find evil motives in them.

    You are lucky. Thank God for that and thank your MIL for dealing with you so maturely [ the telephone conversation shows who is more mature].

    You complain that you do not have any good shoes to wear [literally] but what if you lost your two legs ?

    I do not mean to offend you but you need to be more tolerant and understanding.

    You do not seem to treat her like your best friend and expect her to treat you like that ?

    Take care and do some soul searching.

    Thanks
    HAPPY
     

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