How do you handle common in-law issues?

Dear Malyatha,

I seem to have created a lot of righteous anger in you... I really did not mean to do that ... I agree with your posts, you are actually very positive, I have seen posts where you have supported the inlaws point of view too in spite of the fact that you are "stuck" with bad inlaws...

I have never claimed to have wonderful in-laws (I only gave a single incident in contrast with your friend's incident because the situation was similar but reactions were different!, so I thought it would be interesting, sorry if it was not interesting), neither did I state that adult children abroad are not taking care of their parents... I have not made any sweeping generalised statements.... I said there are all kinds of people ...

And neither is my view of the situation based on a single incident or a single couple.... I have also lived abroad and know many adult children who take care of the parents... But there are several cases I have personally seen in Mumbai, Pune, Delhi, Chennai, Hyderabad (I have travelled a lot between these cities in the past 10 years!) where the children do not know and the parents are too shy to tell the problems... I never said the children dont care...

And yes, you are right, claiming that there are all kinds of people in the world does not help those women who are stuck with bad in-laws....

But the women who have bad in-laws need to know that not all in-laws are bad, and they have the right to deserve good in-laws and expect support from their husbands. It was meant to show them that they are not at fault for doing something (like expecting the husband to make dosa!), the in-laws are at fault for their reactions... Girls in our country have such low self esteem, they think they deserve this kind of treatment, look at our own indusladies forums, there are girls who are ready to give up their lives, or suffer in silence... they are educated, have their own money but are abused, controlled by their in-laws/husbands... I personally know many women who think it is all-right for their husbands/inlaws to abuse them... Patience, ignoring them etc works to a certain extent, but what happens to the self-esteem of these smart, educated, working women, they think they somehow deserve the treatment...

So, I feel it is important to tell them they should expect better treatment and start making some changes and they do have it in them!!!

I know of a certain DIL who is funny, smart and always happy and positive in spite of many problems she faces, when she goes to her in-laws place, she acts unhappy, complains about many problems (because the in-laws dont like to see her happy!!!) and by the time she is back from their place she herself takes some time to come back to her normal self because she lives her problems there and starts thinking if she really is so depressed!!!

We girls have the right to our self esteem and self expression....

 

Dear Malyatha
I truly agree to each and every sentence that you stated. I think in most of the houses , you would find IL's to be a great example of hypocrisy. If it is their daughter, every thing is fare, if they don't visit their in-laws, if they don't look after their widowed MIL staying in the same city, don't talk to their in-laws etc etc.... But the moment it is their DIL, they would not leave a moment of happiness for their DIL if she wants to voice outs her preference.

A very good example is my MIL and FIL. My MIL's MIL (age 75+) stays alone(widowed) in the hometown. There is no one to take care of her ailment either. She recently fractured her leg, and I was shocked to hear from my FIL/MIL /SIL that "there is no point in medication, as its a result of old age". She was left without treatment and then sent back to her hometown where she stays atleast for 10 months or more in a year. Surprisingly, all my SIL's and my DH support this act of their parents and this is WISE.
However, if I visit my parents for some days out of a month, during our vacation, then its a huge problem with loads of unwanted advices accompanied with the criticism and hatredness proving how bad a DIL I am and explanations about my duties and responsibilities.

To add to this, our parents create havoc in our lives by giving good suggestions such as all IL's are same and we need to bring harmony and peace in our lives by not being assertive. Gradually, as time goes by everything will be fine......(they are scared of the fact that if we voice out our feelings, it might end upto a divorce which would result to a bad name in the society!!!)

My Dh stated one day after he finished talking to his parents over the phone how he feels claustrophobic while speaking with them, answering their enormous number of questions as to what I cook, how much we spent, how much we save, what shopping I did, if I am looking for a job etc etc....the list is endless.... The result to all this is they pick on almost every other word that my husband or I say and draw irrelevant conclusions from them and then the unwanted advices starts flowing. What surprises me is eventhough my Dh understands all these he would pretend as though nothing happend and would again start another set of conversation the next week showing how he misses his folks...............

I have tried to be assertive till now as much as possible , but the fact is my IL's have very thick skin. They keep on repeating their concerns till the time you agree upon or fight back. So, I think assertiveness would not do any good to me and I might have to confine to aggressive behavior now-on.

So, the conclusion to your questions would be "YES", whenever needed return on their note....No normal rules of respect towards elders would be apt for them.

Regarding returning back to India/hometown, I would say it clearly depends on the situation if the PIL's are unwell to the point that they cannot look after themselves and needs someone's assistance, only then one can think of returning back to assist one's parents. It goes same to a woman's parent's too. No one can just emotionally blackmail their son/daughter to leave their excelent prospects in life and come back just because they want. Period!!!!

 

I myself would profit from suggestions in this thread. I dont have many solutions to post here...

Starting to disrespect them, giving tit-for-tat is the road only to permanent damage. I think we must behave cleverly. How to go about doing that depends on the people involved, circumstances, etc. And it is something which I myself havent learnt, so I cant suggest here.

Well, giving back would prolong the argument. If the dil is a brave & witty, she can give it back sometimes.

The second option seems better. Because, their aim seems to be creating problems for us. Why to give them the space by telling them off directly?

Hmmm... this needs to be decided by both husband and wife... At one point in their life, many NRIs would return to India for good. This happens in many households. And yes, acc to our in-laws, their daughter has been cursed with wicked in-laws and so in her best interests, she must stay in US. Whereas, they themselves wouldnt harm a fly and are too old and need their son and dil (& if possible daughter & son-in-law too) to live with them...

I personally would go back if my in-laws are terribly sick... we must take the bull in the horns. We are just delaying the inevitable otherwise. Only hope DH grows up by that time...

As someone pointed out, this depends a lot on our husband's support.

HTH.
Sandhya