PILS interference in naming our child

Mihika · Apr 20, 2009

Hello friends
I am a great fan of IL and have always received good support from all the wonderful ladies here whenever I have requested for help. I hope that some of you will be able to spare some time and effort in advising me again.
I am now in my 9th month of pregnancy and due in 2 weeks time. After a lot of deliberation my hubby and me have come up with a name for our child that we both like. It satisfies all our criteria IE same initial syllable as that of our older child and has a good meaning as well. Incidentally it is also the name of my paternal grandfather. Though this was not the reason why we chose the name in the first place, I must say that it makes me feel good as well.
When I revealed this to my MIL, she immediately started suggesting a whole list of names. I was confused in the beginning & told her that we already liked this name. Then she came up with the real reason. My ILS are upset because they think we are naming the child after my grandfather. I told them this is not the case , we really like this name. Anyway, they have now put the ulimatum that we can name our child anything except for this. I feel this is most unfair and quiet upset about it. I must admit that the name is special for me because it is my grandfatehr's name (though the main reason fro choosing it was because it goes so well with my daughter's name). I hate to reject it for the same reason.
My hubby in his usual style is neutral about it. i know he likes this name but he will succumb to parental pressure and ask me to relent as usual. My mom is also asking me to relax and not make such a big deal about it.
I am stressed out because i keep thinking that this is a most unfair demand and even if I agree I might never be able to forgive my hubby or his parents. Or is it my pregnancy hormones which is making me so very upset.. Anyway my ILs are here to "help" with the delivery and they are not even talking to me because of this issue...
Please please help me .. I am desperate
Mihika

nithuraman · Apr 20, 2009

Dear Friend

First of all enjoy your pregnancy.... take good care of your fetous.eat well sleep well, talk with your baby listen music ect......
Comming to frustration....you are angry because they rejected the name what you have selected. forget about your hubby because he is neutral. just tel your inlaws that you like the name so much and you want to keep this name. Tell them that you suggest a name of your choice we will call him as love name at home and in register i ll give my grandfather name. if they do not agree then forget it,you are getting two option, now select another name and register it, but when you cal your baby... cal him with your gradpa name that they cannot stop na....
In my family also this happened my sister's first baby name is bala we did not liked it but this name was selected by her FIL. We al respect him so we caould not talk anything against him. moreover he is the first boybaby.
We did not like because my brother name is balaji and wecall him as bala.inspite knowing this fact they kept this name. now we call him with different name and they dont restrict us.
So dont worry
Regards
nithu

asuitablegirl · Apr 20, 2009

Mihika,

Normally I think that compromise leads to better results, but not in this case. I feel the naming of a child should be the exclusive right of the parents. If you had offered to let your inlaws pick the name, then it would be ok for them to make demands. But no such permission was granted! You and your dh picked out the name together, decided on one you liked best, and should now stick with it.

Quite frankly, you are the mother, you should choose. You will be the one spending the most time with your baby and having to call his name everyday. I don't see anything wrong in having the same name as grandfather. What exactly do your inlaws feel is wrong about that? We all have thousands of ancestors, if we only must pick "new" names our options would be very limited!

Keep in mind, the temper tantrum they throw might last only a month or so, but babies name lasts forever. Pick the name you want.

Mihika · Apr 20, 2009

Dear friends
Thank you for your quick reply. As i said I don't have any support from my husband on this matter. So I do not know it is worth fighting for. I have already been disturbed for the past whole day and hardly slept last night ever since this issue came up. Is it really worth putting my darling child through so much pain? I really don't know why .. this thing keeps playing in my mind and I feel that it is not fair at all. On the other hand, I feel that old people are like children and it is difficult to convince them ( though they are really not that old only very stubborn).so I should be the bigger person and let it go.

Today I had a big talk with hubby regarding this and he said that he cannot understand why I am making such a big deal about this. So I told him that he & his precious parents should get their heads together and think of a suitable name for the child and totally keep me out of it. (After all what ever they decide to call my darling I will love him just as much). When my daughter was born they did the same thing rejecting all the names that I came up with. Finally i made a list of names among the ones that MIL had suggested and asked her to pick one. I was lucky that the one that she picked was the one that I liked the best too. Ironically, we were considering my MIL's dad's name last time if we had a boy and MIL was very happy about it.. unfortunately a nephew born later has already got that name so we cannot consider it any more. but it shows that she is such a hypocrite. Also my daughter's name is also that of her cousin's child... so while names from her side of the family are welcome those from my side are not:hide: hmmmmm..

Anyway it really feels good to hear that I am not the crazy, stubborn one to insist on naming my child in the face of opposition from elders.... I am just praying for a healthy and happy baby whatever his name.

Please pray that god gives me the strength to put this behind me and that i regain my peace of mind and can handle the stress of delivery and looking after the newborn.

regards

Mihika

Ansuya · Apr 20, 2009

Mihika

I agree with ASG on this - don't compromise, because this is your baby, and you have the right to name him, in consultation with your husband. There are a couple of issues I want to discuss here:

1) Your PILs seem to be objecting to the name you have chosen PURELY because it is your grandfather's name. This does not seem a reasonable objection to me - in fact, it seems spiteful and petty. Even if you chose the name because you wanted to honour your grandfather (and not for the other reasons you offer), it still would be okay for you to do that. He is your baby, after all. And to be fair, you did allow your MIL to pick the name of your first child, so it is not like you have a history of ignoring what they want in this regard. Now it is your turn to choose.

2) Adults who choose to use the silent treatment to force others to do what they want are, in my opinion, highly unevolved in terms of maturity and problem-solving skills (I feel very strongly about this, since I was brought up in a home with parents who used this tactic almost exclusively, interspersed with occasional shouting and bullying). This means you should not capitulate to your PILs demands just to keep the peace. If they resort to such cheap tricks to get you to give in to them, the last thing you should do is justify their behaviour by giving in to them. I know you want the unpleasantness to end, and it is very important for you to have a clear head and calm demeanour at this stage of your pregnancy. However, you should not allow them to use your present vulnerability to manipulate you. Stand firm - if they want to sulk and create a hostile environment (while they're in your house, too - the height of rudeness and classlessness), let them. You go about your business, and do what needs to be done. You don't have to behave like them, but neither do you have to give in. They are making choices in how they behave - you make your own choices, instead of playing their games.

3) As ASG points out, the name you give your child will last forever. It should be a permanent reminder of what you want, and your grandfather, and have other pleasant associations for you. This means that giving in to your PILs now to keep a temporary peace (what happens if you have a third child, for example, or have to make some other major decision that they feel they can interfere in again?) is a short-term solution that may continue to bother you for a long time to come. Put your happiness and needs first - it is your right.

4) I don't understand how you can say your husband is being neutral, when he is in fact choosing his parents' side by asking you why you are making a "big deal". The short answer to that question is, it IS a big deal. You set a dangerous precedent by allowing your MIL to choose your daughter's name, and now she is following up on that by bullying you into letting her have her way again. Your husband won't stand up to them, and finds it easier to just bend to their will. That is his choice (a rather disappointing one, in my opinion - he should be standing by you instead of taking the easy way out). You need to ask yourself how much longer you're going to allow these people to hold you hostage to their demands.

Please stand up for yourself and what you want. This doesn't have to be an upsetting process for you. Be calm, but be resolute in what you have to and want to do. If people seek to then punish you for your assertiveness by giving you the silent treatment, or other immature tactics (like turning your husband against you, for example), recognise those ploys for what they are and do not play along. Do not get upset, and do not fight fire with fire. In other words, you be polite and talk no matter what they do. Let them know dialogue is always an option, but that you will not be bullied. If they want to ignore you, then accept that. Do you really need their approval that much, that you cannot bear that they are ignoring you? You have far more important things to worry about, like your daughter and the impending birth of your son. Channel all your time and energy into these more worthwhile pursuits, and let the pseudo-children currently living in your house continue to play their games. But you be the adult, and stay out of it.

Your happiness is what's important here. If your PILs could think beyond their own narrow self-interest, they'd see that.

crossiants · Apr 20, 2009

mihika,
all the very best for your delivery,a good advice leave the naming issue where ever it is right now,dont hence forth discuss it with your inlaws the more u disuss the more disturbed you will be and simply unwillingly u will hurt your inlaws in this crucial stage of pregnancy.take good care of your self,this is the final stage of pregnancy,your child is in final stages of growth,so dont take unecessary tensions,let the topis where n where it is.once the child is birn u r the lion,who care do what u wish,but for the time being dont make any issues just think about your self and the little one who is inside u seeing u disturbed.hope i have not misguided u in anyways but this is a advice i would suggets my sister.so stay calm and all the best,

Jyothisri · Apr 20, 2009

Mihika

I totally agree with asuitablegirl and Ansuya. Do not compromise and give in to your PILs. It is your right as the mother to name your child. And yes, it is worth fighting for.

Ansuya has given very good suggestions. If your PILs are not talking to you, then let them be. As you said, they are supposed to be helping you and not creating stress at this time. But they do not choose to help. Concentrate only on yourself and your children. Ignore everything else at this time.

Your PILs had a part in the naming of your first child, now they are demanding that they have a part in the naming of your second child too. When will they give you a chance? And for how long will you keep giving in to them? When you give in to their demands, however big or small, it becomes a habit for them. It's your life, it's your child. You have all the rights.

Take care of your health and the health of your children. Be strong. Wishing you the best for your delivery.

ennaye · Apr 20, 2009

Mihika,

I was going through your post and the first thought that came to mind was that your inlaws are very lucky to have a DIL like you. Your heart is in the right place for sure.

This is a minor issue. They will have no objection to naming the baby the way you want to, I am sure.

Wait till the little one comes. He/ she will weave such a web of affection around everybody that no one will be able to deny what you want for the baby. In the meanwhile don't take any tension. Be happy and care for your little one.

BTW, I may mention here that when our grandchildren arrived we let the parents decide on the name. It gives the mother such pleasure to do so.

And after all we named our children our way so why not the son and daughter in law too can do that? Now its your turn.

God bless you and the little one.

Rihana · Apr 20, 2009

Mihika,

Excellent suggestions have poured in already.

I'd like to add that it might be a good idea to turn this into a learning experience. When it comes to any important decisions, it is best to tell in-laws only when it is needed. Like, in this case, after the baby is born. I understand it is difficult since they are actually living in your house to help with the delivery. But, it can be lesson for the future, any major decisions like investments or any big decisions, best to tell in-laws the final decision in a tone that brooks no discussion and at a time when it is too late to change it.

You do have a tough situation. On the one hand, you have to minimise stress, and on the other hand, you also know that "everything will be alright when the baby is born" is wishful thinking. Your husband's stance is not of much help.

Other posters have already suggested how to stand up for yourself with minimal stress (the last paragraph in Ansuya's response).

Do not give in and do not expect things will just magically become alright.

Wish you lots of luck and tons of patience, a very short labor, and a happy time ahead with your little one and the soon-to-be big sister.

Rihana

reshsabu · Apr 20, 2009

Mihika,

Since you dont have much support from anyone else,I think you have already made up your mind to leave this issue behind.

I know that your MIL's attitude of ' we can name the baby anything except your grand-pa's name' is really sick and even immature.

Anyways, more than anything else , right now it is important that you and DH stay positive awaiting for the Big Day. Just leave this behind - it is not worth loosing your peace of mind anymore over this issue. So, stay cool , calm and positive and may god bless you with a healthy baby and pleasant childbirth experience.

Rihana said: ↑

I'd like to add that it might be a good idea to turn this into a learning experience. When it comes to any important decisions, it is best to tell in-laws only when it is needed. Like, in this case, after the baby is born. I understand it is difficult since they are actually living in your house to help with the delivery. But, it can be lesson for the future, any major decisions like investments or any big decisions, best to tell in-laws the final decision in a tone that brooks no discussion and at a time when it is too late to change it. Rihana
Click to expand...

As I read the post, the first thing that came to my mind also is what Rihana just said - Count this incident as 'Lessons Learnt'. Especially when you have in-laws who tend to interfere and micro-manage things for you, best policy is to make decisions and let them know only when nothing can be done to change it.

If I were you, I would also have tried to make sure not to have such in-laws over for "helping" with delivery... especially when your DH is the 'Mommy is always right' kinds.