who spends money if u go to India

pebblebeach · Apr 28, 2007

Hi all,
Mine is an arranged marriage. I went to India recently for the first time after coming here. I went with lot of expectations of spending some nice time with my in-laws and all the new relatives. But all that happened put me in a confused state.
To start with, my in-laws are still young and financially sound. I have one BIL(single) who is a s/w engg. He also stays with my in-laws.
Apart from all the things my in-laws wanted us to bring, we even gave them gifts like ipod,shirts, perfumes and many more. We also bought many gifts for the relatives.
Its not just that. Whether we are inside the house or outside every time only my husband pays for everybody and everything. If any time my husbands runs out of money, my in-laws will pay and will make a note of it and takes that amount back immediately once we go back to home. If we go to visit relatives or if they come to our place, my husband has to pay for all the expenses like restaurants, autos or vehicles, cool drinks, ice creams and what not. Even if they want to pay once, my MIL won't let them, saying he will pay don't worry. Believe it or not, where ever we go, what ever might be the expense even if its not our(my hubby and mine) expense its my husband who has to pay.
Even though my BIL has a good income, while we were there he always takes money from my husband for his expenses. For 1coffee(Rs.200), car parking(Rs.100) and everything saying he doesn't has any cash on him right then. For Rs.10 worth of things he takes not less than Rs.100.
My in-laws are otherwise good, they help their relatives a lot. They also bought a car for my BIL. They gave him a separate room on his name and many other comforts even though he is earning.
My husband goes to India once in 2 years and my in-laws make him spend most of the money that he saves in these 2years on them. Its not that my husband doesn't give them any money on his own. He gave more than 10 lakhs for my FIL's business alone. Evey time he goes to India he takes them and their relatives lot of gifts.
I don't have a problem to spend money on my in-laws and for my(their) relatives. But I was only surprised by the fact that they treat my husband as their bank. Even more surprising is in return they didn't(never) spend a single Rupee on us. Its always one side road.
So all this made me wondering does this happens in case of all NRI's. Is it just common in all NRI families.

Blondie · Apr 28, 2007

Welcome to NRI club my dear....:tongue

One consolation will be to think that may be they really are in hardship that they cant spend a dollar on their son/DIL who visit once in every few years. Like the americans say just condition yourself that there is no free lunch.

Just by themselves they wouldn't go to a movie if they do it is in one's or two's
But with an NRI it is always a crowd of 10+

By themselves it is a single scoop icecream bought on the side
But with an NRI it is always in BRICKS and BLOCKS

By themselves never tip any one
But with an NRI a one 100 is not enough it has to be two

Myself never held back from spending on anyone who is willing to let me spend but the above snippets are from conversations with soulmates after their visits home.

Ladies please carry on........

hope · Apr 28, 2007

hey r u newly married hmm........ it dosent surprise me your post it happens with us all the time , well Pl in india think if u are in US money grows on trees .,literally they will comment for u what its like peanuts though they dont understand we have all expenses in $$$$$$$$

well if u let these things worry u , dont me amazed if u have a divorce soon y do u think americans have so many divorces ........
i think u should let this go enjoy ur stay india........ Pl there will never understand but tomm if u say something all will say look bahu has put seeds of hatred in our son....... if this is getting too much its ur husband who should say FULLSTOP i cant do it ne more

pebblebeach · Apr 29, 2007

Hope
But we are Indians right. So I'm not thinking about divorce nor i want to think about it in my life.
I was only surprised by the things that happened in my first visit and wanted to know whether its normal in case of most of the NRI's. Even if it is not, thats fine.

hariniuma · Apr 29, 2007

HI ,

I TOTALLY AGREE AND FEEL THAT THIS HAPPENS WITH ALL THE NRI:yes:

HARINI

sunitha · Apr 29, 2007

This is true when the son is a NRi.What if the daughter and son are both NRI's?
When the son comes down,he spends for his family and other things.If the daughter comes down,even then,only the son (that is,the girl's brother) or the parents of the girl spend for her and her family. I find this a little hard to digest that even after the daughter is married off and is well settled in life,she expects her parents or brother to spend for her and her family.Ironical,isn't it?

cool100 · Apr 29, 2007

Hi,

I think it is just not the case of an NRI but the same for Indian sons too. Even I faced the same situation before I came to US and now when I go to India. Do you believe me if I say my FIL opposes auto rikshaws a lot and when we go there he hires a city cab for his daughters..........

Guess what our SIL s shop on our account (even the vegetables too )
My MIL supports them and scolds them if they try to pay for it (I hope they just act as if they r paying) and tells them that my husband will be giving money to me for such purposes and asks me to pay those bills. At the beginning I used to say I have no money, but later I started to pay them because if I didnt pay she used to ask my husband and for a 50 rs bill she used to take a 500 note from my husband so I thought its better I pay the bill. What say guyz????????????????? any solution for this

sunitha · Apr 30, 2007

Very true. In our society,it is always taken for granted that the son takes care of his parents and his sisters throughout their life. Taking care of his parents is ofcourse his duty ,but is taking care of his well-settled sisters,also his duty?

When the DIL purchases something for herself, even something as silly as a bindi or a hair clip,the MIL always wants her to purchase the same thing for her own daughter too,who is married and well-settled...this thing irks me. Whereas,when the DIL purchases something for her own family,her parents,sisters,brothers,the in-laws can't stand it.Why is this so?

Kamla · Apr 30, 2007

Dear girls,

Whenever I read such selfish behavior of in-laws in this forum, I am so sad and worked up. Honestly, how does it matter if it is son or daughter, are they not all children of the same parents? Okay, I do not have a son, but I am more than 100% sure that my love as a mother would be same towards all my children, regardless of their sex.
How can they be so greedy and crave for all the hard earned money of their son? I understand that they brought him up and paid all the college funds and perhaps even spent on his first journey abroad hoping and praying for his prosperity and future. Every son, every CHILD, should remember that and not hesitate to support and look after the parents. But somewhere, some line has to be drawn. I am not trying to instigate all of you to mutiny against unfair in-laws! Heaven forbid. But it is possible to have intelligent and sensible talks with the husbands and they in turn should also have the same talks with their parents. If the parent really loves their child/son, they would really not want to run him to bankruptcy. After all, really, money does NOT grow on trees in the US. All of us know how high the cost of living is here and how insecure the jobs are. Take care of yourselves so that you can in turn take care of your in-laws.
Best of luck ladies.

L, Kamla

meghanshu · May 1, 2007

hi,

I believe this happens with all of us staying in abroad.

Well i believe its all in our head. We should be grateful that we are not staying with them to take this torture everyday and just are related with money. Its only money that they can take from us not our peace of mind & nor our freedom that we enjoy staying in US . I know life is not easy here but it better than all the social pressure that one faces in India.

Have a big heart and ignore them in your life and never nag your husband about it but smartly divert him towards u , so that one day he will respect your opinion and will definitely say no to his parents.It will take time but it will happen. I think only Intial years of marriage your inlaws have a strong influence on their son but later for your husband his own family will matter the most and will start knowing how his family has taken advantage of him.

Till then have big heart and have patience.