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When your mother becomes MIL ?????

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SiriVeda, Mar 12, 2009.

  1. SiriVeda

    SiriVeda Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    After reading a lot about the MIL-DIL in this forum, I feel like asking one question.

    What would you, as a daughter do when you notice that your mother is behaving like a typical MIL with her DIL and not considering her on par with you ? Say she is behaving in a very possessive manner....

    How would you advice her ?

    In my case....my brother is not yet married or engaged, but me and my mother always discuss about how to put the new member at ease. My mother lost her MIL when she was around 29 and she literally became a mother to her SILs and BILs. Considering her soft nature, I have a confidence that she would surely make a great MIL. I hope things would go fine and her relation with her DIL will be a good one.
     
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  2. Padmini

    Padmini IL Hall of Fame

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    dear sri,
    nice thought. i think there is no difference between MIL and mother. it is the question of understaanding and to the feelings of newmember.In my case, when i felt the agony , i took an oath that i should have very communication with my dils. My daughter, also understood that. Till now she is maintining it. whenever i door say anything wrong without my knowledge she would correct me. more to write.
    with love
    pad.
     
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  3. N@!Sr!

    N@!Sr! Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Precisely think about the attributes which YOU as a DIL, Wife or SIL would not be able to tolerate from someone else and hence refrain from practising the same with your would be SIL .Advice the same to your mom. Treat her as a mature adult and not like yester year women who used to get married at 12-13 yrs of age with no developed personality.

    You will have harmony in your family if you follow this.
     
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  4. SiriVeda

    SiriVeda Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Padmini,

    You are right..there are only two options...either one can talk less or one can talk straight forwardly and settle the matter then and there. Whatever it is we should have only one thing in mind "maintain a good relation" with everyone.
     
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  5. SiriVeda

    SiriVeda Silver IL'ite

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    You are so right....One has to learn from their experiences and apply the lessons learnt from those. We should treat people in the same way we want them to treat us....

    My MIL suffered a lot in her MIL's house..then itself she decided that she would love her DIL like her daughter.....It's all about what we really want..If we are bent to maintain a friendly relation, we will surely do it......
     
  6. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    I dont have a brother.. we are 2 girls. But,here are some of the things I would suggest to my mom if she had a son who was going to get married -

    1. Even if they live in the same city, suggest that they stay separate. Relationships work the best that way.My parents may be really nice with the new bride, but now that they are starting a new family, they need their privacy and they need to start making their decisions themselves.

    2. Dont have any private conversations /secrets with your son in which your DIL cannot be included. After marriage, try to treat them as 'one'.

    3. Try as much as possible not to interfere in their life or decision making. Doesnt mean that your relationship with your son should be very formal. Let them decide how to handle their money matters, DIL's job,planning for kids etc.

    4. If you ever buy gifts for your son, make sure you get something for your DIL as well. You can offer her to feel free to borrow your nice saris / jewellery for occasions ( like you would offer to your daughter).

    5. Do not ask for dowry. Most DILs hold high respect for in-laws and hubbys who take a stand to refuse dowry. Dowry may be common in your place, and it is easy money,but think wisely.. easy money comes with its share of problems. To make your son's life secure, you can suggest that he marries a girl who is as well educated and having as good a job as him.Trust me, in the long run taking dowry is not worth it.

    6. Expecting that your DIL should consider her in-laws as parents is unrealistic. Think about your own daughter (me). All the trouble and sacrifices that you as a mother has taken to give birth to me, raise me, educate me, take care of me when i am sick,support me during bad times, feeling my pain when i am hurt etc. How can my MIL who starts getting to know me after my marriage be the same as my mother?
    The truth is in-laws may be very nice and affectionate. But no one in the world can replace parents.
     
  7. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    In one single sentence: My mother is a better MIL than a mother. Enough said.
     
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  8. SiriVeda

    SiriVeda Silver IL'ite

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    Wow!! Reshsabu.....very wonderful thoughts and I am sure if every MIL sticks to these, there won't be any kind of problems between MIL-DIL. Of course considering the DIL is also good and friendly person who has enough maturity to understand her MIL.
     
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  9. SiriVeda

    SiriVeda Silver IL'ite

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    Nice Malyatha.....Your SIL is blessed to have such an MIL....:)
     
  10. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    <message removed>
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2009

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